The Riddler Speaks - Casefile #0152 (Patreon)

EDWARD: Since Jonathan is indisposed and I am honour-bound to take care of dear little Ikky, I shall conduct my affairs from his office. How’s my favourite sentient being? (Ikky squawks) Yes, I can see you’re delighted to see me. Let’s get you out of that awful cage. (flapping wings) I’ll be your lord and master while that bad straw man is away. He left because he doesn’t love you, darling. He abandoned you to your fate and I’m here to rescue you because I’m the only one who cares. (Ikky squawks) Oh fine, don’t give me that face; you know I’m only kidding. I’ll move you and your cage over to my room when I’m done here, but for now I rather relish having the run of this place. Good grief, look at the layer of dust on this filing cabinet. Does he honestly have no pride in his surroundings? (attempts to open drawer) Locked, is it? We’ll see about that. (tinkering, drawer opens) Eureka! Personal files. Let’s see… Boring, nobody, crackpot, freak… Ah! Here I am! Nygma, E. Hmm… Narcissistic Personality Disorder well, obviously. You wouldn’t need a penny diploma to tell you that. (Ikky squawks) That’s right, dear; your papa is a dolt. Obsessive Compulsive… Blah blah blah blah… Avoids personal questions, potentially due to fear of social ridicule or exposure of weakness. (closes file) Oh, does it always have to come back to fear, Jon? Why don’t you just marry it, for pity’s sake? But weakness? That’s just bloody rude. (closes drawer) I’m bored with this now. (sits down) What’s on my docket for this week? Let’s see.

Anonymous asks: What is your favourite and most dastardly crime? (laughter) Oh what ho, I like the cut of your jib. You’ve got a future here, sonny, you’re on the way up. As a hard-boiled criminal, I must say that my most dastardly crime had to be when I lashed that dame to the train tracks. She was a real ripe tomata, let me tell you, cute as a bug’s ear. She wriggled about hopelessly while I cackled and capered on the sidelines, brandishing a big sack emblazoned with dollar signs. Can’t get enough of that long green, don'tcha know? The train was puffing down the tracks with no sign of stopping, even out of common sense, and I could not stop laughing at the predicament I had created. One would have thought I should have escaped by now, suds in hand, to safety. But lo! I could not stop busting a gut over my own dastardly scheme. I was so immersed in my mirth that I didn’t notice that plenty rugged Joe pop up; he socked me in the jaw, pally, causing me to make a mighty parabola backwards through the air, somehow. He took off with the broad, the dough and me by the collar in tow. They slapped me in stripes and tossed me behind bars before you could say Jack Robinson. (laughter) Dastardly, indeed. (Ikky squawks) Well said, Ikky, I like yer moxie, kid! Now you all watch out for that Lex Luthor, he’s a bad egg. (laughter) Let’s get you back to my room, Ikky, to far more harmonious surroundings than this grungy hovel.