Get Smart: Look Who's Crossdressing Now (Part 1 of 4) (Patreon)

Close up of a television, the show ends and a commercial comes on screen. Zoom out to see a group of eight to ten young girls in pretty holiday dresses. There are mostly in pairs or trios, smiling at each other. It looks like a birthday party-type gathering. A table is covered in presents in fancy wrapping paper.  Soft music in the style of the Sugar Plum Fairy is played. The caption under the group says “KAOS Clothing”. There is a phone number to call 555-KAOS and a street address.

The voice-over starts. It's a man with a German accent. Maxwell Smart would recognize it as Siegfried if he was listening to the commercial, but his ears were stuffed.

“She's a younk lady.

She's a little gahrl.

She likes to run und jump.

She likes to vear pahretty grown-up dahresses.

KAOS Clozink has a vole collection of holiday fashions for hahr.

Zo vee can make you boz happy for between five und fifteen Marx, I mean dollars. (Marx, I mean dollars is included in the commercial)

Yes, she vants to look gahrown up.

But vee knows she's still a rompink kid.

At KAOS Clozink vee know vat you are lookink for.”

During the commercials, the little girls were frolicking around as children do at a birthday party. Smiles never left any of their faces. Not even for an instant. If they were wearing t-shirts and jeans and didn't have long hair, the girls could be mistaken for boys.

“Did you see that? 99 asks.

“See what?” Maxwell Smart responds.

“It was a commercial. KAOS has a clothing store.”

“Even killers have to get dressed every day.”

“No, Max, it was for little girls.”

“KAOS has little girl killers?”

“I don't think so.”

“Maybe they are midget killers then.”

“I don't know if it has anything to do with killers. But if KAOS is involved then they must be up to something. We should check them out.”

“Five to fifteen dollars is a good price. You might be able to pick up something nice.”

“I think it's only for little girls.”

“You are certainly no little girl.”

“That's beside the point. What should we do about this?”

“Let's tell the Chief and see what he wants.”

“OK.”

“I'll call him on my shoe phone.”

Max put his ankle on his knee and removed the phone. His black sock has a little hole in it.  “Sorry, 99, I was going to darn these socks, but I didn't have time. This was my last clean pair.”

“Forget about the socks, call the Chief!”

“My phone doesn't have a dial tone. I knew I should have taken the elevator.”

“What does taking the elevator have to do with your phone?”

“Well, I took the stairs instead. They were so easy to take two at a time, that I tried three. I must have broken the phone when I stuck the landing.”

“Stuck the landing?”

I jumped the last step.”

“That is when you broke the phone?”

“No, that is when I realized I was wearing sneakers instead of my phone and had to come back here.”

“I don't understand what you are talking about.”

“If I would have taken the elevator, I wouldn't have worn sneakers to go downstairs and I wouldn't have left my shoes in the apartment and they wouldn't have gotten wet when the sink overflowed.”

“Forget it, forget it. Let's go to the office now and tell the Chief.”

“Tell the Chief what?”

“About the clothing store.”

“It's true five to fifteen is a great deal on dresses, but I don't think the Chief wears dresses.”

“MAX!!!”

“OK, let's go.”

<Get Smart Intro Music>

“Vat do we have planned for 1966, Helga?” Siegfried asked the tall gaunt woman with obvious Germanic features. She is very tall, even taller than Siegfried, and wearing a black leather jacket and knee-length skirt with black stockings. She is wearing black heels which made her even taller.

“I have arranged a fashion show for you,” Helga replied. Then she screamed out, “Start the show.”

The lights dim except for one spotlight on a catwalk. A young blonde girl with pigtails comes out first. She is hit with the spotlight.

“Our first young lady is wearing a mustard yellow above the knee jumper. It has a square neck and ties with a drawstring in front. Under the jumper is a mustard and white striped fitted t-shirt with a high neck and long sleeves with matching mustard and white striped tights.  On her feet are T-strapped black shoes that fasten with two buckles. This outfit is perfect for both the slide on the playground as well as coloring in her favorite notebook in her second-grade glass.”

During the description of her apparel, the young girl walks out onto the runway, stops at the farthest end, spins on her shoes, and returns the way she came.

“I like the style, I just don't know about that yellow,” Siegfried complained.

“What's wrong with it?”

“It looks like vat comes out of me ven I drink too must schnapps.”

“That color is all the rage now.”

“Vat else do you have?”

Another little girl comes out. This one has darker hair and twin ponytails.

Helga describes the next dress. “A typical Scottish dress in red and blue plaid with an appetizing white collar that suits every little girl. It was a button-down front with contrasting silver buttons. She wears it with knee-high white socks and red sling-back red mules. Perfect for hours on the playground or hours sitting in front of the television.”

The second little girl mimics the moves of the first.

Several other outfits are exhibited for Siegfried When the last one was shown, Siegfried called the model over. As the model got closer, Siegfried realized that this wasn't a little girl at all, it was a midget wearing little girl's apparel. Siegfried didn't let on that he was fooled.

“Can you twirl arountt, I vant to zee your frock from all sides?”

“Do I have to? All the other models are having ice cream in the back.”

“Ya, you do.”

The model spun on his toes. The moment his back was turned to Siegfried he blew a raspberry.

“Dis iss KAOS,” Siegfried yelled, “we don't THUTH here!”

The model ran off. His skirt fluttered in the air as he left the stage and joined the other models in the back.

Behind Siegfried was his lieutenant Stocker.

“Have zat man executett!” Siegfried demanded.

“We can't”

“Vie not?”

“He's the lead in the KAOS play. He's playing Little Orphan Annie and his understudy is awful.”

“OK, then, make sure he doesn't get any ice cream.”

“Ja, Mein Herr.”

Max and 99 exited Max's apartment building. Max wore a navy blue jacket with gray pants, a white shirt, red ties, black socks, and shoes. 99 was styled in a red mini-dress with a V-neck and shoulder pads. A white belt accentuated 99's narrow waist. Under the dress, she wore a white high-neck blouse. She completed her outfit with white tights and flats.

The pair hopped into Max's cherry red Sunbeam Tiger.

“Ah-choo,” Max sneezed as he got in.

“Are you getting a cold?”

“No, it's these darn allergies. My whole head is stuffed up. I can hardly hear you.”

“Want me to drive.”

“No, I can handle the driving.”

Max and 99 drove to CONTROL's super-secret base and entered using the usual password. Inside they proceeded to the Chief's office. Larabee was waiting outside the Chief's office at his desk wearing a suit similar to Max's.

The Chief was sitting behind his desk.

“Max, 99, what can I do for you?”

“We just saw something very disturbing,” Max told the Chief with urgency in his voice.

“What's that?”

“KAOS has a clothing store. Did you know that?”

“No, but so what. We have one too.”

“We do?”

“Yeah, where do you think you got your suit.”

“I bought it at that little shop around the corner.”

“We own that.”

“We do?”

“Yeah, all the agents get their clothing there.”

“What about 99?”

“What about her?”

“Does she get her clothing there?”

“Of course not.”

“Why not?”

“She's a woman.”

“So what?”

“If we started to sell women's clothing, everyone would think CONTROL was a gay organization.”

“What is wrong with that?”

“Have you checked the date?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, it's the 1960s, no one wants to be gay in the 1960s.”

“Nobody?”