checking in (Patreon)

hiya everyone. i miss u all terribly :( i'm sorry for being absent.

the truth is i've been having a hard time adjusting to the move. it's been really stressful with just random expenses and obstacles popping up. i was really entrenched in my old place, and change is hard. it's not that i don't like it here, i'm just not used to it yet. i've been doing some self-reflecting these past couple days and wanted to check in.

one of my personal growth goals for 2022 was to let my metaphorical walls down a bit, and i'm not sure if i've really succeeded in that yet. it feels like i desperately want to connect with people, but i simultaneously shun any kind of vulnerability as a defense mechanism. i also think this affects my work as a creator in some ways, like i'm much more comfortable playing characters on camera rather than talking as just mel. many reasons for that which i won't blab on about. i guess the point is i want to be a bit more confident in myself. i feel cringe for sharing these thoughts but am trying to embrace the cringe :) 

i've also been feeling like a total failure for not getting content out to y'all. it like physically pains me because i'm such a perfectionist. i really hate myself for not being consistent/not being able to get over the mental hurdle of translating my ideas into videos, and then i hate myself for hating myself (does that make sense to anyone. hahaha). it's also been really frustrating to try and get set back up to film, it took forever to get my things organized, and i'm still not sure if i have my new filming space the way i want it. 

happy notes: my cat sushi recovered from his little kitty cold :) i also got some cute (maybe a few skimpy) new outfits i am excited to show off for u.

finally, the most important part of this ramble: i will still be posting ALL of July videos. i don't want me moving to affect y'all getting less content. so i will be getting my ass in gear and getting 3 vids out to you next week (because i love u all so much).

ok thats it! thank u as always for being here. if i could i would share the lemon bars i baked recently with all of u xx

mel