A Day In The Life Of Jord - 1 (Patreon)

04/05/23

Typically of me, my day starts at seven in the fucking morning. I open my eyes, one fucking crusty still from a few days ago when I fell asleep with my fan on through the night.

But come on, it's fucking roasting in my room, has been lately and I've no idea why. I sleep with my window open, and it's Scotland man, my room has no right to be this warm.

Peeps keep saying it's cuz of my massive television, but surely not? Right.

Well, whatever. I yawn, stretching my legs out in my king size bed, enjoying the soft feeling of my king size orthopedic mattress.

Odd though that the familiar weight of my dog laying across my legs wasn't there. Eh, he probably just hated the heat and went downstairs.

I roll out of my bed, grimacing when I noticed how sweaty my boxers were. I peel them off and toss them in the laundry basket I have sitting on my massive massage chair…fuck I really need to clean.

Stretching my arms out and letting my hefty Scottish balls air out a bit, I head to the bathroom, pausing only at my bedroom door to use my pull up bar, getting five quick ones in, before moving on to wash up a bit and take a big ol' hefty jobbie.

By that I mean a shit.

I wash my hands, brush my teeth, spray on some anti perspirant and then make my way back to my bedroom. Taking a minute to do another quick set of pull ups, before pulling on some new clothes. Some manscaped boxers, alongside a pair of shorts and a tank top and head on downstairs to find my dog sleeping on the couch.

Ol' Rocco boy, not long left for this world. He perks up as I enter the living room, already eager to get out for a walk. The only reason I'm up really.

"There's ma boy!" I walk over and clap him, grimacing as I look at his stomach. Plump and distended. The tumours he has doing him dirty. But, ma' boy is strong. The vets said he'd only have two weeks at best. Well, it's been two months now and he's still chugging along the same as always.

…Though I can't deny every day I think to myself with dread 'is today the day'?

Thankfully, with how easily he jumps off of the couch, tail wagging and excited, that day is not today.

I clap his head, before hopping on my computer real quick. I ignore everything else for the moment, and there's so so much to address across various platforms and head on to Just Eat.

Hmm, only one breakfast place is open for delivery at the moment. Scots Cafe. Ight, I order a breakfast from it. Making sure to fill the order up with bacon, black pudding, links and haggis.

This ain't for me after all, it's for my dog.

Another twenty quid down the drain. But, whatever, as long as I can get stuff that he'll eat, it's a small price to pay.

Order made, I made my way into the hall, rolling my eyes in annoyance at the other king size mattress and pc taking up space. For my sister and cousin respectively. A £250 mattress and a side pc with two screens and shit. Honestly, if they don't get a move on, I might just toss them.

In the kitchen I grab my dogs harness and leash, and more or less hearing me doing so, I dunno how, my dog the big ol' Rocco boy runs his way through eager for a walk.

So I take my dog out around the block on a quick thirty minute walk, letting him shit, piss and mark his territory. And this is his territory, he's been here fifteen damn years.

He's only one of two staffie's in the area. The other much younger and fitter. But I remember just last year when it got off the leash and attacked my lad. Rocco tossed it around like a little bitch, I had to grab them both by the collar and hold them apart.

I paused only to talk to a few of my neighbours up and about already, before heading back inside.

Once in, I give my dog a treat. Now, that sounds simple, but it isn't. Because his stomach, well more his anus and liver are fucked up with cancer and riddled with tumours, his taste varies by the day.

I literally have a cabinet full of nothing but dog treat packages, over twenty different kinds from chicken jerky, little bites, to full on pig ears and shit. Today, he turned his nose up at all of them and made me waste a full fifteen minutes going through them all.

Spoiled little shit, but I love yae anyway.

With that taken care of, I toss my jacket over the banister at the stairs, kick my trainers off under my desk and pop on my computer to check discord. Ah, more hentai from Lance.

….More weird poke-fucking obsession from Natty boy, you know, the works. Just need some dumbass argument between Kami and Cole for it to hit the typical daily routine of my discord server.

Right, enough of these nerds. Time to pay my god damn internet bill, forgot to do it and I was stuck using hotspot through the night to watch Hero Academia Season 6.

Fucking lame ass Deku. Fucking twat Dabi. Shigaraki, sigh, mate just die already.

Ochako and Nejire sure are thicc though.

Right, there we go, two hundred quid down the drain to pay for my internet, which won't go back online until the staff actually start their jobs at half 8, but whatever.

The door goes. Breakfast has arrived.

Time to feed my doggo.

He turns his nose up at the bacon, haggis and black pudding, but thankfully eats some links. Good shit, don't need to go scouring for something else for him.

While he's eating one, I tear apart another and pop open a few gabapentin to empty their contents inside and feed him them.

He twists his face up and spits them out.

…Sigh.

Whatever.

I make a bowl of weetabix, grab some square sausage and potatoe scone and head upstairs.

I make my bed, get on, turn my ps4 on and jump onto shitty crunchyroll to watch more hero academia while setting my alarm for 1 in the afternoon.

I'd forgot to turn my tortoise's lights off at the right time last night and only turned them off at 2 in the morning. He needs 12 hours with them. So gotta wane them down hour by hour over the next few days.

I eat. My dog comes up, struggles a bit to jump up on my bed and parks his arse curled up beside me. I munch my breakfast and I go back to sleep, literally while that twat Dabi is monologuing his tragic backstory.

Twat.

I wake up to Bell Delphine.

And by that I mean my ringtone, or well, alarm, I've got it set for both. I respect the hell out of that bitch, fleecing all those simps and trolling everyone. Ten outta ten, would spank again.

I shut my alarm off, notice my dog has fucked off again as he does and sit up, rubbing any sleep from my eyes, before promptly plugging in my tortoise's light.

Up up and…up Isobu!

Yawning, I grab the empty glass I have on top of his encloser and head to the bathroom to fill it up. Then come back to slide open the glass panel and roll my eyes as I find that he's literally climbed over his water bowl and climbed into the corner to sleep, pushing it out of the way with his ass.

Typical. I literally just bought this new water bowl and food bowl, to give him more space to move about too.

I fill the new bowl up, and the small one shaped like the bottom of a log outside his little log house while he's waking up, close the encloser and head downstairs to grab his food.

Pak Choi by the way. Just like my dog, my tortoise is a picky fuck that won't eat anything but it, not lettuce, not cabbage, not broccoli, not cucumber, you know, the works.

When I go back upstairs, I find Isobu already up and staring expectantly at me with his little beady black eyes.

Bro…how the fuck did I get the tortoise that literally reflects Isobro?

Rolling my eyes, I open up the enclosure before tearing the pak choi bit by bit and filling his bowl.

I hold a bit out to him, he chomps it, then bites my finger when I try to pet him. Little prick.

In revenge, as he climbs into the bowl to eat the pak choi, I dump some of his calcium powder on him while spreading it through the food.

Then I pull the towel I have on top down to cover the light from it and hop back on my bed to watch Hero Academia again.

Probably not the best use of my time, considering It's been ages since I wrote for it, but still a better use of my time than whatever Warg is going right now. That guy's probably busy right now making more photo shops of me and shit.

Two episodes more in and I find crunchyroll fucking up. Whatever.

I grab my phone, do my dailies on Pokemon Masters and shit, before checking discord. More porn. There's always more porn to be found the Discord of Jord.

Hmm, Botan found some nice Koneko ones. I make a mental note to remember to save them when I go down onto my pc.

It'll be of good use in Beyond Critical.

Wankity wank wank.

I get up, go brush my teeth again and go down to see my dog. To take him out on another walk.

He has more trouble with his bladder so I kinda have to do it a lot more lately. Every second day I need to clean up vomit or piss. Though, pretty sure most of the vomit is forced by him to make me take him out.

Why does he have to be smart when it comes to all the stupidest things?

While out, I notice my cousin heading towards my place, his dog off its leash and huff in annoyance. Now I can't head back up, cuz it and Rocco always fight, and he's kinda dying at the moment.

So another round the block we go until my cousin leaves, I phone my mother to make sure he is gone, don't wanna risk it.

She confirms it, and I head back up.

For reference, my current house used to belong to my grandad. My mother was his carer. Until she fell and broke her shoulder, which still hasn't been fixed properly to this day. So I had to give up my sweet ass bachelor pad, quit my job and take over as my grandfathers carer. And basically my mothers as well.

….Then we all got covid in 2022 and he ended up getting taken fully into a dementia care home because his condition worsened through the covid.

Such is life.

Once in, I head to my pc and grab my phone. Checking my texts. My other cousin asking me to head out to Glasgow with him for the night and one from my best mate telling me he's gonna head to the gym in a while if I wanna join him.

Can't be fucked with the first, cuz he wants to try and find karaoke places for some reason and the other, I've not been heading out for long periods of time, two hours at most with my dog the way he is.

Knocking them both back, I head on to check my various inboxes. First being, Ff.net. And as always, the guest reviews and pm inboxes are flooded with deaths threats and other nonsense.

The seething malding, I love it.

That done with, I make my way over to QQ…lots of messages there. I check through the posts, comment a little and move on. And that's how the next half hour goes.

Before I get alerted to discord. Lance decided it was time to post the daily screen shots he saw of people malding over me.

Today it's some attention seeker claiming I just reviewed his story and gave him a bad one because he made his bard gamer that is to weak to do any damage, a femboy. Called me homophobic and some other crap.

Weird, I don't remember that.

I check my past reviews on Ff.net and find it, and there's nothing about hating anyone gay on it. Literally just said he ruined it for me by choosing to intentionally make himself a small, soft, thin femboy. Four months ago. Ah, I get it. He's using my name to garner attention because I'm so popular. huh, the dude he's talking to didn't know me yet.

Now he does. And now he'll check my shit. And most likely enjoy it, because he's in Shiro's server for a reason.

Meaning, just more free advertisement for me.

Then he goes on to post some more screen shots he finds funny, about some loser who pretends to be a girl for popularity on QQ and seethes about me all the time.

That gives me an idea actually. People love to seethe and hate on me. Wonder if I can use that?

While thinking on that, I get a small basic work out in, since I'd lost some mass in the last few months of not getting to go.

I really need to get back to it, but I'm loathe to leave my dog behind for any span of time beyond an hour.

So while I get to it, using a few of the weights I have around the house, my pull up bar and getting some calisthetics in, I think of my new idea and let it blossom.

I don't go at it long, just a half hour while listening to music in my raycon everyday earbuds, and no this isn't paid advertisement.

I have been offered a few though from other places. But they pay hasn't been worth it.

When I finish, I take my dog out again and notice it's pissing buckets down. Lovely, and I'm only in tank tops and shorts. And can't be fucked getting changed into new clothes just tog et them wet.

Once that's done, I head onto Patreon, clear my 99 notifications before getting to my earnings. I always leave it to the night of the 4th every night, because they auto transfer as soon as it hits midnight.

$11,012.10

Eleven grand in total.

I'll just post this in my discord chat as I do every month. To let the lurkers see it and post it in other chats, where more haters will seethe on me.

And now…Let's go play this idea out.

A Day In The Life Of Jord.

Now that's a great title to hook them in.

They won't be able to resist.

They'll seethe, they'll mald, they'll cope hard and try and bother me, and fail as they do every time, and then make up shit about me in other chats, getting me more and more publicity.

And I will continue to win.

Granted, it'll probably come with a lot more copypastas about me getting raped and or killed by Ash Ketchum, or photo shopping my conversations, screenshotting stuff I say out of context or flat out pasting my head on hentai doujin characters.

But, that's fine. I'm the giga chad after all. Time to go drink some sparkling water and hit that that green button and make it red.