An Update From the Desk of Colin M. (Patreon)

Hey Team,

I hope you’re all doing great, and that this message finds you well.

I want to let you know that for the first time since CLS began, I’m going to miss a scheduled video (tomorrow’s episode of CLS). With 86 cumulative episodes of CLS, Fireside Chats, and Side Quest all released on time, I suppose it’s not the end of the world (even South Park once missed an airing deadline!). But, you are my most ardent supporters, and so I wanted to let you know that this is happening, and why.

As you may have seen or heard, whether directly or through your respective grapevines, I’ve had a rough go of it the last couple of days after I released the most recent episode of Side Quest, which chronicles the harassment of two gaming industry professionals, as well as my own systematic harassment and abuse from an individual who has openly and brazenly dedicated a significant portion of his life to diminishing mine. I’m not going to tell you that you should (or have to) side with me, or that I got it completely right, or whatever else. You can feel exactly and precisely how you want about the video, and the response to it. You can even agree that I deserve any backlash and abuse I’ve received. I’m not going to police your opinions. You’ve your own mind. But I’ve dedicated myself to being totally open with all of you. I want you to know me -- or to at least have that option -- and to know that you’re getting me. Colin. Not some facsimile or character. That reality comes with ups, and it comes with tons of blemishes, too.

Truth is -- as Erin can attest -- I agonized over that episode of Side Quest, more than I’ve agonized over any show I’ve done, possibly ever. Edited, re-edited, and re-edited again. Clipped things out, recorded pick-ups, moved things around (the episode was originally closer to 25 minutes long). Scoured through the abuse I had received and that was directed at me, and tried my absolute hardest to tell my story, while trying to also elevate to other people who experience their own abuse. I wanted to nail it. I needed to. I felt like it was such an important episode, an honest episode, a vulnerable episode, and that it would rally our better selves to not be what all of us have the unfortunate potential to become: Something or someone we hate. We've all crossed that line in our own lives. I definitely have.

I asked those around me if it was a good idea to be this open and honest about my own experience, to tell my truth, to show significant weakness and vulnerability to advance what I felt was (and still feel is) a vital conversation surrounding the way we treat each other, not as abstract ideas or people with ideologies or members of amorphous groups or whatever else, but as individuals. As human beings. They felt like it was a good idea, and I agreed (and still agree) that it was, because the truth is, the video was largely received positively. A 9+:1  like-to-dislike ratio and thousands of positive messages let me know that it got through to folks. And I think that’s great. I think that it has, actually, caused positive change simply by existing. In exposing my own abuse, and in admitting that I’ve not always gotten it right, I feel like I did something good for this world. At least, that's my hope.

But the over-the-top backlash, centered pretty much entirely in the games media orbit, has beaten me into a pulp, frankly, primarily because of how ruthless it is, how contextless it is, and how openly hostile it is to someone who sits on the outside of their clique. In truth, I don’t understand how this level of focused fury can be conducted in broad daylight with such a celebratory and mean-spirited tone. In making a video about the abuse I’ve suffered in hopes that being open and honest and showing a moment of vulnerability will help heighten the cause for all of us, I’ve received a ruthless doubling, tripling, and quadrupling down on my abuse and harassment, with what I feel is flimsy justification (if you ever could justify harassment and abuse, which I certainly couldn’t). Frankly, it feels from my perspective that people enjoy being awful to me, and it’s wounded me, because it reminds me a lot of those times when I was young when I was bullied and pushed around and not treated great. I’d have the good sense and common decency to let up if someone was screaming for mercy, but that’s not a sentiment shared by everyone else.

It’s one thing to be against safe spaces (I am), to tell a comedian he can’t tell a joke (that’s ridiculous), to walk into a college classroom thinking you won’t see challenging materials (I sure saw those materials when I went to school), or to think the world should cater to your every whim and feeling (that’s absurd and selfish). It’s another thing to partake in, endorse, or accept abuse and harassment of a continuous, systematic, and sinister nature, behavior completely unfathomable to me, and far outside of my wheelhouse. I spoke out about the latter. Some people have conflated that with the former, and they do so dishonestly, to cause harm, and to advance an agenda. I can’t control any of that, but I can control my participation in a destructive system. I can control my participation in a system that chooses to rail against me for positions I don't hold, things I've never said, and feelings I don't, well, feel.

I’m a human being, not a robot, and I can only take so much. I’ve barely slept, eaten, or accomplished much of anything useful since the video went live, and the reason no episode of CLS is going up tomorrow is because I think that if I did a video just to do one, it’d be terrible. I’m not sitting here claiming my work usually deserves Emmys and Oscars, or that I’m YouTube’s Ken Burns. Far from it. But I take pride in what I do and I try my very best to put out the best product I’m capable of turning around in a few days. I’d rather not put anything out than put something out that isn’t going to properly entertain, inform, and/or engage, just because I need to put something out. I hope you understand, and that it doesn’t make some of you flee or become upset with me. I don’t want to be a content machine. I want to put things out I believe in and stand behind.

When I talk to those close to me about my mental trials and tribulations, I often refer to a sort of status quo relationship I’ve developed with my anxiety and depression. For me, it’s normal to be anxious (I wake up with a knot in my stomach every day and always expect the worse), and it’s normal to be depressed (I sometimes wish that I could get out of life the great vibes so many others seem to absorb simply from living and walk around with a positive outlook), but I’ve done my best to go through life dealing with it, and not letting it keep me too down. That equilibrium has been totally shattered for the first time since I was in college, and it’s something I’m having a hard time dealing with at the present. I’m paralyzed, frankly. My creativity often comes from a tortured place, and I think that makes me who I am. But this situation, for me, represents a true hurdle. I'm at a loss.

I guess what I’m saying is I just need a few days to get my mind right, to hopefully sleep and eat something and grapple with what’s going on. I’m saddened by what I perceive to be terrible behavior being conducted in broad daylight with the complicity of many people that I thought were my friends, acquaintances, or ex-peers and ex-colleagues. Maybe I should have known better, I dunno. This isn’t my first rodeo, although I feel like this is worse, in many ways, because of how transparent it is, and how celebratory the mood seems to be around making me feeling terrible. I feel like I’m floating through space, and rather than sit in front of a camera and feign enthusiasm -- which I never do -- I figured I’d open up to you, tell you that I’m going to miss an episode, and that I need to find my balance again. It shouldn’t take long. But I rarely worry about myself these days, and I sure as hell don’t take good care of myself. This is one of those moments where I have to interject on my own behalf, as it were, to do what’s right for me.

I’ll be back on Monday for Side Quest. Tuesday is Fireside Chats. Thursday will be CLS. The cadence will be back in order before very long. In the meantime, I appreciate your kindness, your patience, and your willingness to take this unusual journey with me, wherever it may bring us. Without all of you, I’d have very little. I appreciate each and every one of you, and hope that you have a fantastic rest of your day and week.

In the words of whoever the hell sang the Golden Girls song, thank you for being a friend. Yours, -Colin