Unfortunately, I’m Not A Hero 65 (Patreon)

Unfortunately, I’m Not A Hero 65

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Commissioned by Arksoul

Wordcount: 2500

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Unsurprisingly, once again, I found myself straight into the sky after clashing with Ur.

Despite the fact the tanned Amazon was wearing only a backless, high-legged leotard and bandages around her arms, while I had a blunted sword, a handheld crossbow, and both magical and physical protection, the results were conclusive: I fucking sucked at fighting.

Kurama clapped politely as I got up though, and Ur handed me a canteen of water once I shook off the shock.

The three of us were at the mansion’s new gym, which was just a large, open area with packed dirt and basic weights.

The dirt was steadily getting more packed by my body, courtesy of Ur.

“Don’t lose heart, my dear husband, you are doing much better now than when you began.” Kurama was wearing the same “exercise equipment” that was gaining popularity in Ylstu. I’d put my foot down when the new exercise areas started getting stacked with Kindred exercising in the nude, but the results were high-leg, backless leotards, bloomers with white shirts, and painted on leggings and sports bras. It was like every Drider had every form of fetish clothing engraved into their DNA. “This time you lasted an entire minute, and even landed a blow upon Ur!”

I took a moment to appreciate my progress before turning to Ur to have my spirit crushed into a finer dust than it already was.

“Your footwork still needs to improve, your ability to react still remains nonexistent, and luck will not save you in the battlefield.” A tomboy wearing less fabric than my shirt mercilessly pointed out my flaws. They pierced through me with more strength than I expected, since I was actively trying to learn how to not instantly die in a fight. And, of course, since the one saying it was wearing something utterly ludicrous. “However, you have indeed improved measuredly since we first fought. I believe you can last long enough to be saved, should a sudden situation occur.”

“Yeah. I get it. I need to work harder, so I don’t get anyone killed.” Even staying upright was a chore. A long, long time ago I was hit by a car, and I honestly thought that was a better time. It was a shorter, quicker affair that got my hospitalized, but it didn’t tell me to get up, pressure me into being better, and feed me praise in order to trick me into thinking I could actually be decent at something. I’d take getting hit by a car over being enthusiastically trained any day. “So, are you going to beat me up again, or is this over for today?”

I really wished that the answer was the latter, but instead I had two hands lunge for my neck.

“Go, Hachiman!”

I ignored Kurama in favor of taking many rapid steps back and to the side out of Ur’s pounce. Her movements looked natural and ferocious, because of years of training, while I had to make do with putting as much strength and speed into my limbs, while hoping I wouldn’t trip.

However, even with that particular gamble paying, I barely managed to make any distance between the two of us before Ur lunged at me again.

I swung my sword at her, hoping to divert her since she was supposed to treat it like an enchanted weapon hat could carve straight through her armor and flesh, but my blunted weapon just passed through where I thought she’d be instead of hitting her.

With that singular dodge, Ur managed to take me down, and soon enough was helping me up while I took in the new information I got from the fight.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake, you haven’t been dodging this entire time!?” I’d started training once I had enough people to look over things that didn’t need my personal touch. Since I worked with Tanis to make guidelines and rules for a lot of what I made, I had a surprising amount of free time to invest into myself and new ventures. Thankfully, I was doing better in investing outward than I did inward, because I felt like I’ve just wasted weeks of time. “I want a refund. Give me all my time back. I want to be useless in a fight and just keep someone who can fight around to keep me safe.”

Ur didn’t hesitate to address my complaints by looking at Kurama.

“Hachiman… you are fledgling combatant, and through your work and effort, you have forced a renowned warrior to doge after not even a season of training. You are a threat that must be avoided by the strong, because of your own efforts.”

On one hand, I was being obviously pandered to.

On the other hand, I didn’t find anything wrong with being pandered to, since I needed something, anything to revitalize my dying self-esteem.

If Ur removed her bandages to show off weights that were slowing her down, my self-esteem would most likely simply die at this point, so I was willing to take in some obvious praise, just to shore up what I had.

“Yeah, yeah. I get it. I need to work on running away AND making sure my hits land.” I should probably be fighting against peer opponents so that I could get a better understanding on my strength. Unfortunately, the average man amongst the Kindred can only think about fucking, and the boys I was educating weren’t at the age where they could reasonably fight. And, of course, there was the fact whoever I was going to fight against was guaranteed to be stronger and faster than me. It would be idiotic to train against my peers when my peers typically just freaking die. “Is it over now? Can I actually get some rest?”

Ur was silent for a second, making me tense up, but I allowed myself to relax when she gave a single nod.

“Today’s results are adequate, and I now understand what to train you next in. We will hopefully have you prepared before the upcoming journey to retrieve Henri’s ancestral heirloom.”

Ur answered me with what I wanted to hear, as well as top-secret information that I entrusted to Kurama.

When I looked at the scarlet-haired, leotard-clad Kitsune’s way, I received a delighted wave without any hint of guilt whatsoever.

Apparently, I’m going to be sore with a migraine today.

“Kurama, why did you tell Ur about Henri’s plans?” I took a deep breath, considered the fact that Kurama wasn’t someone who’d do anything stupid, and did my best to be cautious. I didn’t want to fall into any traps that could diminish my authority. “She wasn’t supposed to know before we made a decision about it.”

As far as I knew, Kurama had yet to finish researching Henri’s proposal. She was practically filling up an entire library conducting her research, and even roped in some of Roseanne’s scholars in order to get things done. From my own sources (read: A’Bel), they were making sure that something that Henri described could even be made, and only Kurama was researching the possibility that it could be used to disrupt summoning.

So… why exactly did Ur know about what was happening?

“Hachiman, Ur is your protector and confidant. She needs to be aware of these things, even if you wish to protect her and her people from possible reprisal by the Kindred.” W-what? Excuse me? Are you implying that I kept Ur out of the loop to protect her and the Amazons? You obviously haven’t spent enough time around them. They blab and blab around anyone willing to listen, woman! “A good leader protects their people, but the best leader allows themselves to be aided by their people, so that more can be achieved for the benefit of all. Is that now what you told me?”

“I don’t remember telling you that at all. Stop putting words in my mouth!” I’m pretty sure that I NEVER said anything like that. That doesn’t sound like me in the slightest. Well. I guess if you twist around my statements about delegating and giving the right jobs to the right people, so that no time and money is wasted… Yeah, you can word it that way, but everyone knows that not what I meant, dammit! “How dare you make me sound reasonable and decent. I demand an apology this instant!”

“He admits that his words can be interpreted as wise and kind, yet demands it be undone.” Ur shook her head and sighed. Those are some big words for a literal incarnation of a fetish wearing a fetish outfit. Before you go pointing out other people’s flaws, how about you go look into a mirror? “Hachiman, Kurama has shared with me enough information only to prepare for a swift departure, so you wouldn’t have to do it yourself, and potentially waste your time. She has yet to make a decision, or share with me anything more than how long I ought to prepare supplies for.”

“That’s… that’s… reasonable, I guess.” It was totally reasonable, especially since the information was kept secure. Ur knowing only enough to do what she was told was perfect. And, no, it’s because I want her out of the crossfire, if things end up with the Kindred after us. I just… u just needed to be sure my wife could keep secrets that I trusted her with, y’know. “Who are bringing along for the trip, then? What’s your plan?”

Ur was silent for a second, as she considered my question, and started putting to use her recent training to use. With Roseanne’s now-tacit support, I was able to gain more than a few assets for Ylstu. One of them was getting Ur and the Amazons trained up to organize themselves and lead themselves beyond a simple, tribal unit.

After seeing how easy it was to decapitate tribal forces, when I took down those bandits for Kurama’s dowry, I thought it necessary to introduce them to a more rounded, robust doctrine.

While the upper echelons of the Amazons were receiving only officer training, Ur was also learning how to handle a budget, manage supply lines, and create expeditionary forces in order to act quickly.

“I have amassed my chosen sisters, and asked Ashe to come along with her trusted lieutenants for reconnaissance in force.” Ashe recited her plans and preparations from memory with a small frown. She had trouble with most of the concepts and knowledge, since she was more suited to being a speeding wrecking ball, but she endured it in order to help her sisters and Ylstu more. Even though there were other Amazons who were showing more promise, with her being the leader of the group, she committed herself to the fight as much as possible. “I have also asked for a transport and a team to be ready and available for the next month.”

I had an extra two transports with the necessary Kindred to power them “on call” at all times. They didn’t just hang around doing nothing though. Short-range deliveries near Ylstu was their primary focus, unless they were called on. That job usually involved continuously disembarking and taking flight again, so they were probably the most well-trained in quickly departing and landing in the entire fleet.

Her plan was decent, but it was still missing a key piece.

“Requisition the second transport too, and ask the Dwarves to prepare for a mining expedition.” I’d asked Henri about her leads on where her family’s heirloom was and she said it was stolen from their family, but it never reached the Empire. From her research on the matter, both before we met and under my service, tracked it down towards the coast of the continent where both human and Kindred pirates plied the seas. Pirates and towns that supported pirates… yeah… the only deals I wanted to make with them were ones that involved extreme prejudice. “Tell them to bring as much explosives as they can carry, too.”

Ur and Kurama both blinked as one at my statement.

“My husband… what exactly do you intend to do with mining equipment and explosives while retrieving an ancient artifact?” Kurama asked me with uncertainty tinging her voice, because Henri did as I asked and just supplied her with only the information, she needed to do her job. Man, so the only person who knows how to keep secrets in Ylstu is a literal exhibitionist. I guess, if you show everything else off already, you’re better at keeping the few secrets you have a secret. “Wouldn’t it be prudent to bring along a few of Henri’s more capable students, or one of the scholars who could be trusted?”

Roseanne gave advice without insulting anyone with ease.

I should probably look into learning how to do that in the future, but for now I was too busy.

“Roseanne’s scholars aren’t capable of protecting themselves, and I’m not sending kids out on a dangerous expedition. The Amazons, Werewolves, the Dwarves, and Henri will do.” I should really look into making a better means of transportation. Airships could work, since I could just have Harpies and Wyverns send them along… but I couldn’t remember how to hot air balloons worked, let alone how to make massive airships that can take me anywhere I wanted. The transports will have to do. “You’d both agree with me, if you knew where the staff might be… and you’ll both know once I made my decision about the expedition.”

Thankfully, there was no sudden burst of drama from either Kurama and Ur after I made my decision.  Kurama’s decision to give Ur some information, so that we didn’t waste time, was reasonable and something I should’ve done myself.

Complaining about not getting information I purposefully withheld was unreasonable though, so both of them simply nodded and agreed.

I was sure they were going to ask Henri about the situation… but I was willing to let them do that.

If that exhibitionist Lich wanted everything that she was asking me for, she needed to prove that she was really going to be loyal to me.

In this case, she needed to say nothing while being pressured by a Kitsune Princess with dozens of Kunoichi, and an Amazon Champion who could break her in half with ease.

As far as I’m concerned, it was a small price to pay for the Undead District alone, let alone the expedition to retrieve her family’s heirloom from pirates.