Unfortunately, I’m Not A Hero 64 (Patreon)

Unfortunately, I’m Not A Hero 64

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Commissioned by Shaderic

Wordcount: 2500

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“What am I looking at, Henri?”

A Zombie lay on the table, one of the ones that Henri took with her when I recruited her for Ylstu. Since then her Zombies followed her commands, committing themselves to menial labor, and largely staying out of trouble. I made it so that their wages went to Henri, and charged her with making use of the money so they weren’t stinking up the place, and being a walking gore fetish.

So, in summary, I spent as little time possible with the living dead, because their existence made me question my sanity more than I usually did.

Because I seriously did not understand how zombie girls could be anyone’s fetish in any way.

But enough about that.

More about me wondering what the hell was going on with the Undead right in front of me.

“All Undead Kindred are souls bound to the mortal realm through power. Their existence is that of the instinct to live grasping desperately onto magic and melding it with themselves before they part from their flesh.”

Mhmm, uh-huh, that was a serious lore dumb, but I couldn’t take it seriously because the one giving it was wearing jewelry for underwear and nothing else. Henri, I know that you hate the fact you have to wear a uniform in public, but that doesn’t give you the right to wear even less when under a roof. You are literally wearing bejeweled pasties, while giving me lore about your existence. This can only be lewder if your Phylactery is a b—you know what, I’m not even going to think about it.

Henri huffed and pushed up her spectacles, before holding her hand out over the Zombie.

The Zombie whose body was disintegrating and whose soul was slipping out of her. Though I didn’t want to look at the fetishized corpse, I couldn’t tear my eyes away from the sight of literal soul rising out of a body. It had the features of the Zombie that it was escaping, but without any of the injuries and horrific openings that were shaped in ways that weren’t okay, so basically like a normal Kindred, but made of shiny soulstuff instead of meat and boobs.

“The abundance of power in Ylstu has begun affecting them. They are bypassing the methods I used to bind their souls to their bodies, before I have begun crafting them appropriate vessels to inhabit.” Henri shook her head after pressing the soul back into the body, and gave another huff that jiggled far too many things at once, before sealing up the Zombie again. The boundaries of the table glowed a violet light and a dome formed over the Zombie. The literal disintegration of the body stopped, and the soul ceased to stop trying to escape. “I require time and resources I do not have, yet I must save them, because I promised to not only give them vengeance… but to return them to life.”

I wondered why anyone would listen to a family line that produced an exhibitionist like Henri, but I guess being brought back from the dead was a pretty good deal.

But back to my employee asking for time off to pursue her dangerous hobby and possibly not come back.

“This sounds like a personal problem that will make you incapable of doing what I’ve told you to do.” If Henri were just some normal Kindred, I’d be more than happy to tell her to fuck off and do what she wanted with her life, if she had commitments that would have her not do what I tell her. Unfortunately, she wasn’t just a normal Kindred who I could replace. She was an asset that I had to keep in Ylstu, because she was the one teaching the Witches who’ll be the cornerstone of my defense against bullshit. Unfortunately, centuries-old, well-trained Liches didn’t grow off of trees… I would know, since I checked. “I’m guessing the reason you’re telling me all this is because you’re going to leverage everything you’ve got, so that I’d help you instead of telling you to fuck off, even if’s a loss for me.”

To her credit, Henri didn’t even pretend she wasn’t leveraging her position.

“Yes. That is exactly what is happening. I know that I cannot be easily replaced, and even if a replacement is found, they will take time to learn your mannerisms and goals.” Yeah, yeah, yeah. Training and getting a new employee used to a new workplace is costly. You have leverage, I case that leverage, so don’t bother talking about it and move on. Tell me what you need, so I can get it, and take it out of your pay for the foreseeable future. “Therefore, I request your aid in finding and creating a tomb.”

Henri walked, and I kept my eyes on her shoulder blades, because I did not want to know if she kept the vessel of her soul inside of her. The Lich produced a scroll from her desk, making me look away as she bent over, and I only looked at her again as she unfurled the diagram for the tomb.

With just one look, I determined that calling it a tomb was an understatement.

“This isn’t a tomb… this a whole district for Undead.” Henri’s request didn’t just involve magic artifacts gained from wacky adventures. It involved massive amounts of money, incredible amounts of labor, and ludicrous amounts of material. She wanted to make a massive, underground crypt where Undead could “live” in their natural habitat and presumably become more than just walking, living corpses. “You expect me to make an entire district for you just because you asked?”

I said “asked” because “threatened” was a word that really couldn’t be used against me in Ylstu.

Hell, “threatened” can't really be applied to me since I can literally call A’Bel, Ur, or Reiser to deal with most problems with gratuitous violence.

The best sort of violence.

“No. I am offering my absolute loyalty, as well as elite, powerful Undead at your disposal. Not mere warriors with new forms, but Vampires, Phantoms, and Wraiths.” Henri reached out with one hand and a book flew forth from her study’s shelf. It landed open faced on the correct pages on the “table” that we were using. “You have cadres of shock troopers who can break through lines, a solid line of heavy infantry that can hold ground, and the ability to reign fire from above… but you do not have a force that can pursue those who flee from you.”

For a second, I almost reminded her that the Empire didn’t retreat, until I recalled the Empire’s current situation, which was just biding their time, preparing, and essentially being scared losers who didn’t want to come out of their new defensive line.

Yeah, Henri had a point.

There was a large chance of them just running away when I broke through their new defenses.

“Alright, I’m interested. Summarize the information on the Kindred you’re promising me and give it to me. Send this diagram to Tanis so that she can estimate costs.” While I was interested, I didn’t immediately say yes, despite the fact the possibility of literally sending undead horrors on the Empire was possible. I had responsibilities to my current, assured methods of fucking over the Empire to consider, before I invested on a new, fancy project.

I waited for Henri to simply nod and take the opportunity, or play hardball and say that we weren’t going anywhere until a decision was made right now.

She didn’t do the latter, saving herself from being fired, kicked out, and sent away with all her subordinates in fancy caskets powered by arcane power only produced in Ylstu and the Kindred Capital.

However, she didn’t just nod and smile like she should’ve either.

Instead she had the utter audacity to call on another scroll, unfurl it before me, and show me something that was most definitely an SSR super item that was going to a whole affair to just have the chance at getting.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake, you need my help fetching something too!?” What the hell was the point of having more money than god when I literally still have to get things done by myself? At some point, when you have the most advanced and strongest economy in the world, you’d think that you can just roll over any issue with tons of cash. However, here I am, with a fucking fetch quest being offered to me. “I think you need to get your brain checked woman, because there’s no way you’re worth an entire district AND an ancient artifact from bumfuck nowhere.”

“Long ago this staff was commissioned by my family for the use in our arcane research. When our house fell, it began with this being stolen from us before it could reach us.” Hello? Did you miss the part where I said I wasn’t interested anymore? Shouldn’t you be doing something productive like packing up, or forgetting about your latest demand, until you prove you’re worth it? You’re the one who taught me most of what I know about managing territories, so why the hell are you still talking? “With this staff once again mine, I can reach the fullness of my strength, reaching the very limits of my arcane power, and all of it shall be at your command… including the disruption of magics the Empire uses to call upon summon souls from beyond with study, research, and preparation.”

“Explain.”

I didn’t know what face I was making, nor what my tone was, but after Henri offered that little, last tidbit of information my focus was entirely upon her and her alone.

“The Empire’s magics call upon the souls of faraway individuals. They seek out those who burn brightly, who they can coerce, and who will not break. They avoid the weak and infirm, but avoid the truly strength, unless it is all they can find in the farthest of places.” I ignored the compliments, crossed my arms, and waited for the real, actionable intelligence. Henri shivered a little at my silence, and I couldn’t bring myself to care as to the reason why. Whether it was arousal or fear, all that mattered to me was that she talked. “When two Necromancers fight against one another, our aims are to disrupt one another’s ability to call upon the souls of animals and those who linger, and the purpose of this staff was to ensure that my family became unparalleled in our mastery over Undeath by taking from our foes the ability to create servants.”

“And you think you can use it to deal with the Empire’s ability to summon people from other worlds.” I put two and two together, but I took note of the fact that there wasn’t much of a direct answer in her words. She said the staff helped make a Necromancer defeat other Necromancers by making them unable to make servants. I knew very little about magic, but I knew enough to know that there were different ways to disrupt every little thing. So, I made sure to clarify. “This staff disrupts a “signal” used to find souls and disrupt them in duels… and you think you can make something that would let it be used on an entire country.”

If Henri hesitated, or showed any signs of lying, exile would’ve be the least of her worries.

Thankfully, it didn’t come to that, as she gave a sharp, succinct nod.

“Well observed, my lord. That is exactly how the staff functions, and with my family’s remaining research, the staff, and the crypt as the foundation, I believe that I can begin disrupting the Empire’s ability to call upon those from other worlds.” Henri nodded, crossed her arms, and gave a satisfied huff. A lot of lewd tinkling and jiggling were involved, but my focus was entirely on the project she was proposing. “They have many users of magic, and immense resources at their disposal, but if we increase the costs of their projects by even a tenth… it would disrupt them immensely.”

Henri smiled upon the paper, while I considered my next move.

On the surface, it sounded too good to be true, especially since it was being presented to me as the first of its kind.

If it was possible, wouldn’t the Kindred already be using it, after waging such a long war against a constant stream of foes.

If they were the “good” faction, that was what they would do for sure.

However, in the end, the Kindred were just Kindred.

They profited off the constant stream of male bodies being sent their way. I’d go as far as to say the Kindred’s current peace is only possible because of their war against the Empire. Otherwise they’d be at each other’s throats trying to maintain a supply of men from villages of humans.

To shorten the long, expositional dialogue immensely, allow me to ask a single question: why would the Kindred disrupt the enemy’s supply of manpower, if they could use it themselves, and if they didn’t know how to summon people from beyond?

I didn’t have any sound answer to that question, so I was left with Henri’s proposal having credibility, instead of being a bluff.

That didn’t mean I was just going to agree to it though.

“Talk to Kurama about this… staff. Give her tangible evidence about your plans, and have her vouch for your work. We’ll talk about your demands, and not kicking you out, once you’ve done all I’ve asked.” Henri was going to send the diagram of the crypt to Henri. She was also going to tell me what asset I’ll be getting if I invested in her, and if she was smart, she would also give me proof. Then, finally, for her magical staff and last proposal, she needed to speak to Kurama and gain her acceptance. “And… you’re going to keep this last project between yourself and Kurama only, understood?”

While I’ve worked with Roseanne to the point where I knew she could manage to pull her people through a critical shortage of men, the same couldn’t be said for a lot of the petty Nobility in the Kindred. A lot of them relied on using the threat of violence, and the pleasure of men, in order to control their peasantry.

A critical disruption to the amount of war gains from the front line would disrupt their control.

Therefore, they would have every reason to fuck over Henri’s project, or even kill her.

Kurama’s family and clan already had a steady “supply,” and they would only benefit from a massive shortage.

They were also loyal to Roseanne, and had a grudge against the Empire and wanted it gone.

Thus, Kurama was the only one I could trust to check on Henri’s proposal, and tell me whether it was worth being invested into or not.

Did I want it to be true?

Yes.

Did I want to start working on it now?

Yes.

Did I want to decide on things entirely on my own?

Yes.

However, I would be an idiot, if I didn’t use what I had to make sure I wasn’t being lied to and being used.

So, for now, I’ll continue to wait, prepare, and build up, until the right moment came.

Either path I walk ends with the Empire dying.