Unfortunately, I’m Not A Hero 59 (Patreon)

Unfortunately, I’m Not A Hero 59

…

Commissioned by Shaderic

Wordcount: 2500

…

“Kurama?”

“Yes, my lovely, amazing husband?”

“Why are all the maids from the villa not inside it anymore?” All the Kikimora who attended to me while I was in the villa lined the way out of my home for the last few weeks. Each one was clad in the classic, French maid outfit complete with ankle-length skirts, which I appreciated. However, what I didn’t appreciate was the luggage beside each one. “Tell them to get back in.”

“My dear, when a Kikimora chooses their master, they will follow them forever.” Kurama continued to nuzzle her cheek against my shoulder and hold onto my arm. She spent most of the night knocked out from the wedding, but she was back to normal in the morning. I barely managed to protect Hachiman Jr. before the day began. The day might come when I’m fine with that happening, but it certainly wasn’t going to be anytime soon. “They adore you, so they shall tend to your domicile with all due diligence.”

Those facts were enough to make a migraine start to set in.

A’Bel’s decision to speak up assured that I would start my day with a migraine.

“Kikimora are hopeless before men who needs to be cared for and set on a better path.” A’Bel, I am married, so it’s highly inappropriate for you to use my head as support for your ludicrously large breasts. Hello? Are you listening? Aren’t you supposed to do whatever I ask!? “Naturally, my dear master, they cannot help but yearn within the very depths of their hearts to follow after you, so that they can continue to care for, nurture, and raise you.”

“I don’t need raising. I need money, and I can’t afford paying for incredibly skilled maids.” The amount of funds I’m borrowing from Kurama’s family was already astronomical, and even if I could doubtlessly make a profit, pay off the interest, and all the payments, this wasn’t the time for any frivolous expenses whatsoever. So, I turned my glare at all the happy, maid dog-girls with fluffy ears and tails. “Thanks for your amazing service, but I can’t afford any of you, so get back inside the building.”

I gave my order, yet none of the maids listened.

Instead the one who I recognized as the alpha of the pack, came forward, and donned her glasses as she did.

It was the only way I could tell her apart from the rest, but she rarely wore them, and I couldn’t get a name out of any of them.

“Our services are yours without cost, master. We served Lady Kurama with the intent of finding our master, and now we have.” All the maids had an ever-present smile that reached their eyes as they worked. In fact, they smiled so much that I didn’t even know any of their eye colors. Until, of course, the moment the head maid’s eyes opened ever-so-slightly and suddenly a dozen predatory, hazel gazes were upon me, while they curtsied as one. “We look forward to caring for you master, please take care of us~.”

There was definitely a dozen heart-symbols after that single statement, and I wanted no part of it.

But before I could refuse, A’Bel placed a hand on my shoulder.

“My dear master… there will be quite the battle if you choose that particular path. One in which, in order to guarantee your safety, I wouldn’t be able to hold back.” A’Bel’s smile at her words didn’t match the warning at all. It was a sharp smile that bared all her fangs, and from her shadows her armor was beginning to manifest. “So… choose carefully.”

On one hand, I was only looking at a dozen or so maids. There shouldn’t be a problem even if they’re Kindred. On the other hand, A’Bel wouldn’t be excited as hell if whatever fight was going to happen wasn’t going to be absolutely ludicrous, on the Kurama clan’s soil, and to her enjoyment. Finally, on the last tentacle, I happened to not be a brain dead idiot who couldn’t read context clues.

“Fine, fine! You can all come along to Ylstu, but you’re all going to be employees! None of that horseshit about being devoted maids who need to pay. You’re working for me, and I expect you all to be worth the money, or you’ll be fired.” As I walked forward, past the two curtseying lines of maids, I began planning on how to kick them out. If I pay them a lot, then I could dictate all I wanted, so I could just make it impossible for them to be “worth my money.” “A’Bel write the contracts. One for each of them.’

At the very least, if A’Bel couldn’t get me out of this situation by fighting, she should at least write me out of it.

I’m sure I’m being incredibly racist, but since Demons are related to lawyers, she shouldn’t have a problem giving me every single advantage over the sun over my new employees, right?

Well, whatever.

After that matter was settled, I moved onward towards where my transports were gathered.

…

The Kurama clan followed my directions in regards to establishing a landing zone for my transports, so I didn’t hesitate to call on more to arrive with merchants eager to sell Ylstu’s wares. The cobblestone road that led to the landing area had a stream of merchants happily having their wares moved to the warehouses, while they divided up the town, so that they could make a killing.
Kurama’s mother rolled her eyes when I suggested making an area where the merchants could all do everything in their power to undercut the competition. She called merchants spineless, incapable, and cunning at best, before sending me away to spend time with her husband. Now, she was going to pay the price

What she said was probably true for regular merchants, but those in Ylstu were only the best of the best, because only the best could hope to survive in the market I made.

In Kindred lands, there were two kinds of merchants, the ones who were established, with generations of wealth behind them, so they could open up shops wherever they wanted and make deals with the nobility. Then, there were the upstarts who scrimped, saved, and maybe stole to get their first bunch of capital.

I turned them against each other, leveed the playing field in Ylstu, and from the chaotic frenzy of cutthroat capitalists came forth a new generation of merchants. Those with older connections mostly went back to shake up their hometowns, but I’m sure they were just kicked out of the game by the ones who stayed. The new bloods either gave up and took up a job in Ylstu, or got their hands on the power of money for the first time, liked it, and devoted themselves completely to getting more and more.

And, now half a dozen of them are in Kurama’s town, and they don’t have to compete with each other until people figure out what they’re doing.

But they weren’t my citizens, so they weren’t my problem, and I already warned the ruler of the land before she went off to give me a new sister in law.

Therefore, they weren’t my problem.

However, a certain, exhibitionist Lich was, as she stalked over me practically wearing only a pointy, wide-brimmed hat, a coat, and some string.

You’re approaching a married man… wait… you’re Kindred so that us makes it better, doesn’t it?

“I see that your vacation hasn’t dulled your baleful stare, my lord.” Henri bowed the only way she could: with enough sass and flamboyance to both flash me and piss me off. “I have finished looking upon the teleportation circle used by Lady Kurama’s family. It is as you feared: far too expensive for its capabilities.”

Thankfully, even if she happened to be academically perfect, I could still beat this shameless, exhibitionist with logic.

“For people, yes, it’s absolutely worthless, but I don’t plan on sending people through. I want to know if I can make explosives appear where I want them to.” I’ve shown my hand several times already. If I used my transports for warfare now, they’ll get shot down and a lot of lives would be wasted. However, if I don’t need crews to get my explosives where I wanted them, then the crew will be safe, and I can still make my enemies dead. “So, get to studying, because we’re leaving before noon, and if you’re not finished, I’m leaving you here without any money to walk back to Ylstu if you don’t.”

Henri levelled a glare at my words for a second, before turning around and walking away with her robes flaring majestically as she did.

I would’ve been amazed and intimidated, if she wasn’t wearing floss for underwear.

Honestly, given the rate of her ever-decreasing clothing, in the future I’ll have to start implementing dress codes.

Otherwise, that exhibitionist is going to invent band-aids just to be the first to walk around wearing only them.

“Reiser, keep an eye on her and makes sure gets her work done, instead of messing up on purpose.” Reiser complied after a single nod, and jogged after Henri. They passed by Ur and the Amazons, who were each carrying gifts and trophies from the time they spent beating up Kindred in the colosseum.

Ur briefly looked at all the Kikimora, before nodding decisively at the head maid.

“Hachiman did not utter a single complaint about his stay within the villa, I will entrust his care to you upon arriving in Ylstu.” Oi, Ur, you should be suspicious of new employees, not trusting them with my life after knowing them for a few weeks. Also, why the hell are they all curtsying and smiling at you already? Did I miss some sort of social power-play or some cheat skill that lets Amazons win everything, or something!? “I will protect your people, and I hope that you will serve him well.”

Ur gave them a short bow, before gesturing for the Amazons to start filling the nearest transport, and took Reiser’s former place beside me.

She had the biggest trophy amongst the Amazons, probably courtesy of the infinite combo that she performed just a few days ago.

“I’m glad that you convinced them to join you. They will take good care of you, Hachiman.”

“I didn’t convince them to do shit. They decided to come after me, and A’Bel wouldn’t fight them off.” I glared at who I thought was the head maid, since she took off her glasses in an instant, and as one all the maids looked at me and waved. Their movements were perfectly synchronized and creeped the hell out of me. “I take care of myself just fine without maids.”

“Not while you are taking care of Ylstu.” Moshi-moshi? Who the fuck is this? Where the hell is Ur and who’s managed to replace her? Don’t you know you’re acting to considerate to be Ur?  “You might have noticed your tiredness, or remained purposefully oblivious towards it, but we did notice. This trip has been very good for you, due to these maids and their diligent service, so I am glad that they are coming along.”

I was about to speak up, when Kurama intensified her efforts to cuddle and practically glued herself to my side.

“My wonderful husband, you cannot deny that you’re overworked… and you have told us all being overworked means doing far less for far more.” What the hell was going on? Where did all these brain cells come from? Why the fuck can everyone suddenly use logic? Was some sort of patch implemented overnight, while I slept? I demand to see the changelog, and I want a link to the official forums, because if Kindred are suddenly smart too, they’ll be too broken for anyone to beat. They should have two braincells at most, since they’re already attractive and powerful, dammit! “These fine maids will assist not only you, but your entire household, and will that not make all under your care work better?”

Kurama, I’ll have you know that there isn’t a single corporation I know of that hires maids in order to ensure that their workers can do nothing but work. I’ll also have you know that the idea frightens me to the core.

Were maids the answer to corporate terror all along?

Would the world be a utopia, if everyone had a maid or butler to take care of everything else, as they worked?

I shelved those thoughts for later, along with my plans to give the maids impossible tasks to have them leave.

“Fine, they get a trial period to show me what they’re made of, before I start setting standards as their employer.” I reevaluated my position with the understanding that the maids will help me work harder, instead of making my life luxurious. The fact that they were going to help out the entire house helped too, since most of the bureaucracy was under the same roof, so that I can get to work quickly. “But I’m not taking in anyone else, so if you all invited anyone, tell them to fuck off.”

My words received only a series of nods, allowing me to actually take a breath, and turn my gaze upon the valley.

Despite being lewd, my trip to Kurama’s home benefitted me immensely.

I have more debt, but also more than enough capital to continue Ylstu’s growth.

Roseanne has finally stopped being too kind, and now she’s going to get the information she needs, instead of trawling through piles of information and wasting time.

And, of course, I was going to get new assets in the form of teleportation and young, easily-taught boys.

The latter was more useful than the former, honestly.

I have plenty of ways to fuck over the Empire.

But now I actually have a way to defend against Kindred.

Yes, indeed, in this Ara-ara and Onee-san world, I shall introduce a weapon to surpass them all… the Dom-Shota!