Unfortunately, I’m Not A Hero 57 (Patreon)

Unfortunately, I’m Not A Hero 57

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Commissioned by Shaderic

Wordcount: 2500

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Roseanne entered my waiting room with a single knock on the door. Despite the fact that tradition dictated men in this world are supposed to be only surrounded by their fellows at this time, the Demon Lord walked into the room without a single ounce of hesitation. 

Careful, Roseanne, if you’re not considerate about my fragile feelings, I might cry, y’know? Don’t you think I deserve a little me time, before me life is promised to someone else?

“Hmph, you’re as quick to hide your true intentions as ever, Hikigaya.” Roseanne spoke as she examined the room. Instead of coming farther into the room, she chose to lean against the doorway and cross her arms.

Yeah, sure. Staying that far away makes you interrupting things just fine. 

“I didn’t expect you to marry, so I’ve come to ascertain nothing untoward has occurred to you.” Roseanne sighed and shook her head, while tugging at the formal kimono gifted to her by Kurama’s clan. It was scarlet and with true, golden threads on the hems. The sash at her waist was more a band of jewels and gold than silk. “But here you stand before me, with a clear mind, body, and spirit… so I would like you to explain your intentions with this territory and its people.”

Kurama waited for an answer, and I couldn’t blame her.

No. That’s a total lie, I totes can. 

What’s that? A longstanding history of fighting and killing without permissions? Don’t you know that I’m just doing my job as a proper lord, and killing my enemies before they threaten my people? Everyone in Ylstu will agree that the Empire’s out to get me, so there’s nothing at all wrong with making sure they can’t do that through lethal force.

Hikigaya Hachiman did absolutely nothing wrong. 

I debated leading Roseanne around for a little bit, but after my talk with Ur, I didn’t have much interest in dealing with any more bullshit. 

I have plenty already.

“I’m marrying them properly, so that I can secure my position. The cost is low, they’re not terrible people, and I want what they have, so I’m taking what I can.” I gave my answer without hesitation and with as little obfuscation as possible.

Naturally, Roseanne heaved a massive sigh at this, chose not to believe me in the slightest, and shook her head. 

What the hell, woman? Why don’t you believe me!?

Oh, right.

The war crimes. 

Roseanne was about to say something, probably along the lines of deserving to know the truth, until I decided that I wasn’t up for debating her.

“That’s it. It really is. Well, besides spreading around Ylstu’s offerings and advances.” The various products from Ylstu have been a big hit everywhere they’ve reached. Wyvern/Harpy transportation has also proven itself. Together they allow me to providing exclusive, luxury goods to Kindred nobility, but if they weren’t known about, talked about, or advertised, it’d be a problem. So, I solved that problem, and I now expect boatloads of cash once I start sending out catalogues. “So, I have no fucking clue why you want to talk to me. I’ve done nothing wrong—

“You provided political sciences and intelligence from your world to one of my vassals, as well as provided us with farming techniques, which only you have the capacity to fully take advantage of.” Roseanne accused me without mercy. Even though the Demon Lord stayed leaning at the door, Ur nearly stood up at the tone of her voice. The scarlet-haired leader of all Kindred was doing her best to be intimidating, as she demanded answers from me. “Tell me why I should trust you, when all that you offer the Kindred are what benefit you the most.”

The question was a trap. Roseanne intended to lead me towards a particular conversation. A conversation that ended with me giving her what she wanted. Combining her authority with her power and her accusations, Roseanne was doing her best to push me towards the path that would benefit her the most.

Alas for her, I expected this to happen months ago. 

Roseanne is a kind, tolerant person. She went out of her way to keep slaves alive and rescue them. Then, when the man she risked her life for told her that he wanted to go back to the battlefield, she sent him on his way. Not only did she send the captain of her guard to look after him, in order to lessen his work load she sent in intelligence specialists to conduct reports on him, instead of outright asking him incessantly for his knowledge.

Without a shred of hesitation, I used that kindness and tolerance again her. 

“Tell me why I should trust you, when you’re taking all my knowledge without asking by sending researchers, accountants, and officers to study my every move, instead of trading for my knowledge properly.” I am a Noble of the Kindred. As long as I go to war when called upon, and pay my taxes, my land, my assets, and my knowledge are all mine to decide. In terms of responsibility and requirements, I have gone above and beyond as Nobility. “So, why don’t we cut to the chase: give me control over the people you sent, start sending me people who aren’t just loyal to you, and you get to ask me whatever the hell you want to know, as thoroughly as I can give it.” 

If the Demon Lord across the room was anyone else besides Roseanne, my lands would already be taken, my titles would be stripped away, and I would already be marched off to the capital until I’ve given everything I could give. 

But Roseanne is kind and tolerant to the point where she doesn’t kill those oppose her, even nearly powerless men who only have a single, unarmed Amazon to protect them.

“You will not hold any secrets, and you will cease providing incomplete information. This is a new responsibility for you, a requirement for you to keep all you have, and if you do not do an adequate job I will personally visit you and expect answers.” Roseanne could have put any stipulation she wanted at the end of my declaration. I made the “mistake” of letting her dictate more to the deal. Instead what she laid out was the very definition of lenient. 

Woman, can you please be a little more of a terrible person? You’re literally dragging the Kindred up by force to be more decent, marshalling a war against the Empire even though you can stay in power without issue forever as long as they exist, and now you’re not even punishing an insubordinate noble for fucking you over!

Please, have some limits to your virtues, before I start worrying that you’re going to spare the Empire’s leadership.

“This will be the end of this, Hikigaya. Whatever ideas from your world the Kindred shall use henceforth must be complete and benefit all the Kindred. Is that understood?” 

“Yes, it is, Demon Lord.” I addressed her with her title, and in an instant Roseanne went from murderous to utterly pleased. “Perfectly.”

“Then, Hikigaya, I’ll leave you to your wedding.” 

I prayed that some eldritch horror out there is looking out for Roseanne. 

While she has the power to get away with whatever she wants. she doesn’t even when she just should. 

The Kindred have a desperate need to be ruled with an iron fist. Not only because they happen to be stupidly kinkily, but also because there happened to not be enough authority in anyone’s hands to do anything. If everything was fine, and there happened to be no Empire, I would be all for Roseanne’s hands-off, balancing act whenever she used her authority. I would happily have her face off against A’Bel in a duel every single time she wanted something from me, so that it’s perfectly clear that Ylstu is mine and that I do what I want.

However, the Kindred were at war, and Roseanne needed to get a grip on things, speed up her mobilization, and get things done sooner rather than later.

Hopefully, even if I didn’t plan on it, this little event will pay off in the long run.

Otherwise, the Kindred are going to get fucked.

And, not in the way they like. 

…

The noon sun shone upon the temple with gentle rays. A gentle breeze blew through the courtyard, carrying the cherry blossom leaves of the grove that dominated the plaza before the temple. Every smoothed, gray stone on the path I walked towards the temple was polished to a near-shine. The same went for the stone staircase that I would take to reach the entrance of the temple

Past the massive, double-doors was my wedding ceremony, where all the dignitaries of the valley and beyond were present, along with Kurama and her family. 

I stood for a few moments at looking at the stone path, with Ur beside me.

Then, I waited for a few moments more, and looked around again.

Once again I found only the same thing: a picturesque, vaguely Shinto temple with cherry blossoms grove that was maintained by stupid amounts of money. 

“Huh, so nothing fucked up is going to happen?” 

Given my luck, I’ve come to expect terrible things happening at the worst possible time. 

You could actually go as far as to say that getting fucked over is something I’ve learned how to live with, plan for, and handle.

So, on the day I’m set to cement an alliance with a very, very powerful province, I expected the sky to tear itself apart, disgorge the Empire’s super-secret ninja army, and for everything I’ve made to break beneath the strain. 

However, the sky remained blue, the day continued to be normal, and nothing strange happened at all.

“…This creep you out too, right?”

“Since you have mentioned it, yes it does.” Ur was just as confused as I was. She was frowning at every shadow, and looking at the sky. We’ve worked together for a long time; therefore, she was an expert in handling the situations that arose thanks to my luck. The fact that nothing was happening, and everything seemed fine, bothered her just as much as it did me. We were both out of our element. “It seems like everything is set to go smoothl, yet nothing terrible is happening.”

Is it sad that I expect everything to go wrong?  Should I feel sorry for myself, since normal situation without anything terrible happening is creeping me out? Should I feel even more pissed off at the Empire and my circumstances, since peace and quiet are things that make me paranoid?

I didn’t know the answer to the first two questions, but any excuse to dislike the Empire more is always good, so “yes” is totally the answer to that last question. 

A Kunoichi appeared ahead of us, but before she could gesture for us to continue, I started moving forward already.

“Yeah, yeah. I’m late to my own wedding. Blame the Demon Lord.” I moved forward, past the Kunoichi. Since she happened to be dressed, I assumed that she wasn’t one of Kurama’s. Never mind. I’ve made a mistake. The clothes are designed to be moved by the gentlest breeze, therefore in this windy valley, it’s the same as being naked. “Dammit. I can’t even avoid getting flashed at my own wedding.”

The Kunoichi disappeared a moment later, as Ur alone walked with me. 

While the guests were seated in the Temple first, the bride and groom entered with their family and retainers. Kurama, therefore, must have had a grand procession with her family’s servants, her father, mother, and siblings all following after her like a train. All the nobles of the valley, as well as those from abroad, would see the full “might” of Kurama’s clan, as they walked with their finest warriors, wearing their best clothes, and as they oozed influence and power.

Meanwhile, I was walking into it with “only” Ur beside me. 

My sponsorship of the wedding was Amazon guards, A’Bel, and a few trinkets here and there from Ylstu. A’Bel probably turned a few head, courtesy of her being actually demonic these past couple days. The Amazons were well known in the valley because they broke the colosseum over their knee, so that took care of the regular nobility somewhat. Ylstu’s offerings would probably be well received… but that’s about it when it comes to my “half” of this wedding.

Kurama’s clan literally owned the venue, the entire valley around it, and the massive, lewd fox statue I was getting married in front of was their still-living ancestor half the world away.

By all means, my contributes are practically nothing in comparison, and now I’m heading into the battle with only UR beside me.

Without a doubt, this can only be better if I was walking in there by myself. 

“Control yourself, Hachiman. That’s not the face a groom should make.” Ur sighed and shook her head, as I started walking just a little faster. “Be considerate. This is Kurama’s day as well, and she has been nothing besides supportive.”

“Sure. I’ll try.” That was a lie, I’m not going to try at all.

In fact, I intended to do the opposite of not taking this moment and squeezing out every last drop of influence I could from it.

Acting scared, alone, and terrified would give off the image of being weak. 

I can easily look out of place, meek, and utterly incapable in the eyes of all the guests and my in-laws.

However, that’s if I acted scared, alone, and terrified.

i.e. if I happened to be an idiot.

No. 

What’s going to happen is simple.

I’m going to live up to all of it. 

I’m going to leverage all the rumors about me, all my accomplishments, and all my achievements in my favor.  

Not only am I going to be the man the Demon Lord decided to rescue, I’m also going to be the man who used a single platoon and some Royal Guards to route an entire army.

Not only am I going to be the man who won the Empire dozens of victories over many years, I’m also going to be the man who killed a Dullahan and its army that ravaged the entire Empire’s front. 

Not only am I going to be a man from a world hundreds of years ahead of this one, I’m also going to be the man who turned a battlefield into a city envied by the entire continent in a handful of seasons.

I’m not walking into that temple competing with everyone else.
They’re all competing with ME!

With those thoughts firmly in mind, I stuffed my hands into my pockets, put on the biggest grin I possibly could, and waited for the doors to open. 

Yep.

Right here and right now, I’m the top dog—

Why the fuck is Kurama at the end of the aidle blushing like a maiden in love on her wedding day instead of being an utter slut?