Somehow, the Countryside is Different: 11 (Patreon)

Somehow, the Countryside is Different: 11

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Commissioned by Arksoul and wildredlifer

Wordcount: 5000

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I’m not going to lie.

An endless abyss of eyes has left me nothing more than a miserable sack of flesh on very nice, clean, and warm tatami.

So… just me on nice tatami that’s too good for me.

“…I send you flying through the gap between dimensions, and all you desire is a nap?”

“I’m surprised too. Honestly, I thought that was going to break my mind.” One moment, I’d been kidnapped and set down, and the next I was literally floating through a dark space from which the only light came from innumerable red eyes. By all means, since the pedophile-bait vampire gave me a heart-attach by just talking to me, logically that experience should destroy my fragile, human brain. “Do you have any idea why? Seriously, I’d like to know if I’m special, y’know?”

Is this the beginning of Hikigaya Hachiman’s shitty LN adventure that finishes in seven volumes because of low sales?

Wait, even with magic, my life so shit that seven volumes are all I get!?

“You are a regular, normal human being.” That’s nice to know. What special powers do human being get in this universe by the way? We can all train and get magic, right? Or, is there some bloodline/genetic thing involved? I’ll have you know that having a super special group of people in works of fiction is just racism with extra steps. Give power to everyone. What do you mean that sort of thing will just fuck over society? Or, result in an entirely different world from what we have? Get to world building then, you lazy LN authors. Humanity killing itself with superpowers isn’t going to write itself. “At the very least, you should be terrified. At the most, I would have had to mend your mind.”

“Oi, I know I called you a bitch, but breaking my mind for an insult? It’s no wonder Reimu hates this place. All your moral standards are shit.” That’s right, you blonde, night-cap wearing dimensional manipulator. I’m challenging your morality as a young, Japanese man. I have absolutely nothing to lose, so I’m at least going to try and hurt your feelings. How strong is your ego by the way? It’s gotta be pretty strong, since you can literally push through gaps in space itself. “And, you had the table cleared, while you sent me away. I had a single sip of tea and didn’t even eat my snack. That makes you morally, socially, AND culturally wrong, y’know?”

For a second, I wondered if my psychological attack was working, then tatami beneath me was suddenly replaced by an expanse of abyss sprinkled with massive, red eyes. 

Yep.

Totes works.

…

Once again, I returned from floating through the gap between realms to a room to expensive for me to exist in, yet there remained no tea nor snacks on the table.

“You are the worst host ever.”

“I kidnapped you.”

“And, the best kidnappers are good hosts. Read a book. They actually try to be something besides an intimidating villain.” Woah, solid ground feels strange after floating through the fabric of reality. It’s actually a little difficult to sit up and verify that I, again, have no tea or snacks. What a terrible experience this is. “I literally got killed by Remilia Scarlett, but she fed me well and gave me a suit before she did. Even though she’s pedophile-bait, she’s still a better host than you.”

That was a lie, of course.

Being a loli-baba made it so she instantly lost whatever points she had in regards to style, elegance, hospitality, and other qualities of being a hostess? What? Of course, being a vampire that kills people doesn’t stop you from being a good host. Vampires who murder people are terrible people, but they can still be good hosts.

I’m just saying being a loli-baba makes you fetish for pedophiles instead of a person that’s all. 

“…How were you chosen by the Shrine to be its priest. When I helped create it, I looked upon every aspect, in order to ensure that it would function properly and allow Gensokyo to flourish.” Oi. I’m not seeing an increase in your “host” stat. Going into a monologue and dropping exposition is increasing your “villain” stat for sure, but you maxed that out already with the kidnapping and the dropping me into an infinite abyss twice. Everyone gets that you’re the final boss of Reimu’s current character arc. “Oh, can you at least pretend to care, you impudent child!?”

“Heh. Says the super-powered Youkai who just thumped the table twice.” Yeah, be embarrassed, Oujo-sama. You just lost your temper to someone you think you’re way above. According to your own, ludicrous standards, you’re being spectacularly petty yourself, right? “Also, how the heck should I know? Everyone I’ve met in here’s told me that I’m just a normal human being, and I only know what I’ve been told, because, surprise, I’m a normal human being! How am I supposed to answer any of questions about magic, when I don’t know jack shit about it, huh!?”

Yukari Yakumo opened her mouth once to answer that question, but closed it as she couldn’t come up with an answer. Then, a moment later, her brow furrowed as she continued to draw a blank.

I seized the initiative.

“C’mon, just face it. You kidnapped me for no reason. I don’t have a single answer you want, and I’m just a normal human being.” This sort of person, the one who makes plans and decides the fates of others, generally does it because they think they’re doing the right think. No one commits all their time, effort, and will towards a task without thinking they’re in the right. The simple fact of the matter is… a person never wants to admit they’re wrong, when they did everything, they did with the best intentions possible. “I don’t know why Reimu chose me, I don’t know why the shrine chose me, and I don’t care about the Shrine in the first place. I’m only here because Reimu is here, and that’s it.”

I’d come here this summer just like I did every summer since I was kid. All I’d planned to do was give Reimu a few gifts, and maybe thank her for being my friend, while giving her some time to rest by taking a few chores off her shoulders. I’d have been happy with that. Hell, I’m sure I’d get through the next school year just fine after one summer just looking after the shrine and spending time with Reimu.

I didn’t plan on becoming Reimu’s boyfriend.

I didn’t plan on becoming part of some weird mystery and finding about magic.

And, I didn’t plan on becoming the priest of a shrine.

Out of all three of those facts, if I had the choice of which one’s I’d have happen to me if my entire summer was wiped clean, I’d only take being Reimu’s boyfriend. Sure, knowing that magic is real is great. It’s also nice to know the underworld exists and humans actually have souls, too. However, I’d trade knowing all that in exchange of just locking in having a chance at being with my childhood friend forever.

That’s all I know for sure.

Naturally, just as about to say all those things, the house goes from intact to covered in knives, exploding, and filled with energy blasts in a single second.

How I don’t know.

But I’m not going to complain about going from Ms. Ultimate Scare Tactics to being in Reimu’s arms.

Wait, isn’t that a heroine line?

Am I the useless romantic lead in a shounen adventure manga featuring cute girls with bizarre powers!?

…

“Woah, you’re covered in extradimensional energies.”

“Ew. Get it off me.” 

“That’s it? You go swimming through a realm where nothing is real and you say… ew?” Marisa raised an eyebrow. Seriously, this is a lot of worthless foreshadowing. The person who cast the magic on me in the first place was already surprised. You can’t exactly be more amazed than that, so let’s not waste any manga panels. I’m sure the readers are more interested in the giant fight scene happening with Reimu leading the charge of a bunch quirky side-characters who are apparently, actually heroines of their own stories. I really want to see Av*ngers vs Th*nos but with magical idols, and my girlfriend, thank you very much. “And… you don’t seem to care about that fact at all.”

“I went through it. I’m fine and feel fine.” Should I shrug? Does a heroine shrug when they’re rescued? Am I supposed to be shaken, scared, and be ready for Reimu to look at me and feel enraged? I mean, I can totes try to do it, but I don’t think I’ll pull it off. Besides, Reimu looks pretty pissed off already, and protagonists typically don’t start a fight by blowing up the villain’s house in a single, opening salvo, after rescuing the hostage. I’m sensing with my ancient, Otaku hindbrain that Reimu is already at her maximum levels of pissed off, so I don’t have to do anything. That’s my girlfriend, folks. She’s already at maximum anger at the start of the fight, and doesn’t need to justify it whatsoever. “So, how’s the fight going. All I can see is… nothing, really.”

Danmaku, according to Reimu, is a way for fights in Gensokyo to occur without any injuries. Given the number of super OP entities in this place, even if it’s larger on the inside than outside, anything that can cause injuries to any of them will probably end with large chunks of the place being cratered. So, it also functions as a to make sure the place doesn’t get turning into a twisted battlefield, much like what happened to the Scarlett mansion, when she’d thought I’d died, and decided to do away with the rules. 

Anyway, since I was now safe, Reimu and her allies were fighting with Danmaku, so that they can presumably force Yakumo to listen to them, or force her to agree to a deal.

“Do you have some sort of sun glasses that let me see through this lightshow?” 

“Eh-heh, yeah, it gets like this when people gang up on others.” Oi, don’t just look smug beneath that hat of yours. Use your magic to make me a pair of sunglasses or something. Hell, I’ll take a goofy hat too, if it shields my eyes from this lightshow. “It gets nauseating to look at, right?” 

Anyhow, the problem with watching my girlfriend fight, is that innumerable numbers of lights in various shapes, colors, patterns, and streams are flying everywhere. Crescent moon sword slashses attack like boomerangs. Knives change direction by hitting one another. Talismans just relentlessly stream towards targets. Some are even shaped like maple leaves and are going forth from a fan, of all things. One shaped projectile isn’t very bright, but when there’s close to a dozen people fighting at once and putting their special flare on all their attacks? 

Well, it was making a lot of bullet-hells look like utter trash. Huh, maybe I can turn this thing into a bullet hell shooter? Use my shitty, Chuuni past’s drawing skill to make pixels, make them scroll, and just make it hellishly difficult. All the characters exist, and apparently there’s a band of actual, magical musical faeries in Gensokyo, so it can’t hurt. I’ll have plenty of time to myself, even if I’m going to start helping Reimu out full-time after I graduate from highschool?

What’s that?

Did I just take the thought of going to help Reimu handle this shitshow right away and actually use them as my life plans?

How embarrassing. 

“Guh, somehow, I can feel you thinking about Reimu and spoiling her. It’s super gross.” Those are the words coming out of your mouth, Chuuni-Witch Kirisame-san, but the pout on your face and your crossed arms tell a different story. While you’re not after me, you’re certainly jealous of the relationship between the two of us, because who the heck wouldn’t be jealous of two childhood friends ending up with one another? That’s some top-tier envy material, so I’m not going to judge you for it. Instead, I’ll pray for you at the Shrine for your fortune in romantic affairs in the future. That’ll be 5,000 Yen. I don’t happen to be a lost snail, so I can’t sell you love for 298 Yen. “Anyway, no, there’s not much you can do here, even if you’re somehow fine. Just leave this to us, okay?”

With those words, Kirisame took off on her broom to assist the lightshow above us.

Thus, I was left by myself by my rescuers without a guard.

“This is the part where I kidnapped again isn’t it?” I groaned.

“Perhaps, it is.” Right one cue, the moment Kirisame joined the fight, another blonde wearing a Victorian nighcap and some weird mix of western and eastern dress came forth. This time, however, I was more familiar with the creature than whatever Yakumo Yukari was. Thanks to N*ruto everyone knows what a nine-tailed fox is. “Yukari-sama expected this to happen, if not at this scale, so the rest of your evaluation will be done by myself, Hikigaya-san.”

“Well, then, I’ll be in your care.” It’s one thing to desperately try to be cool and composed in front of something from beyond Reality when you know somoeone’s out to save your ass. It’s something else entirely to try and do the same when everyone who can help you is away. So, just in case, I displayed the most courtesy as I could by giving a greeting and bowing towards the superhuman creature in front of me that I had no hope of escaping. “My name is Hikigaya Hachiman, I’m a highschool student, and I’d like to help Reimu out and make her happy.”

“Oh, goodness, Yukari-sama truly approached you the wrong way.” The Kitsune came forward and thankfully didn’t do anything in the “ara-ara” category, despite her looks and mannerism. Instead, the short-haired, smiling woman with narrowed eyes and a sharp visage waved her hand towards the shadows. In instant, something or someone, flitted out and placed a basket between the both of us, upon a spread-out picnic blanket. I saw a flash of red for a second, as well as two tails, before whoever did it vanished. “Even if she intended to see if you would crack under pressure, she could have avoided this… entire fight by simply asking for your permissions, couldn’t she have?”

“Yeah, she could’ve.” I grunted and took the initiative. I took the basket aside, and went about unfurling the picnic blanket, and smoothing it out for the both of us. I found the best, softest spot on the blanket whilst making sure it wouldn’t fly with a few rocks, and offered it to the Kitsune. Her smile grew gentler at my actions, before looked at me, and gave a small bow. Naturally, I returned it, and allowed her to take a seat first. “I’m guessing this is the part where I do my best to actually be a mediator between Reimu and Gensokyo?”

“Yes, it is, Hikigaya-san.” The Kitsune’s smile bared her teeth, and I had to contend with a chill in my spine, as I saw rows and rows of fangs. I must’ve passed a test, because she soon stopped trying to kill me with just a look, and giggled. “Don’t worry, I think you’ll do fine. There’s a proper young man within you, who’ll get along well with all the “good” individuals Gensokyo.”

“And, the bad?” I couldn’t help but ask.

“Fufufu. Well, Hikigaya-san, I’m sure you’ve already seen plenty of times what Reimu does to those who are bad.”

Her gaze turned towards the fight, and I got the message, and when I looked back at her… her eyes were locked onto me. 

“Then, let us begin. Tell me about yourself, Hikigaya Hachiman, and what you do for Hakurei Reimu. Why should your words matter to me, besides the respect you’ve already given me?” 

Huh, so this is a test about how I can treat literal super-powered humans and Youkai who are respected in Gensokyo’s society.

Can I go back to flying endlessly through the eternal abyss?

…

The picnic is straight out of fantasy. Tringle-cut, crustless sandwiches are aplenty, along with handmade, perfect onigiri, and two thermoses. One was filled with a light, almost sweet dashi, and the other was simply tea. Then, of course, there was freshly made mochi off to the side for dessert, along with small basket of strawberries.

Without a doubt, I, Hikigaya Hachiman am utterly outclassed in this encounter. Not only has my host prepared everything hours ahead of time before meeting, but she hasn’t even mentioned it once. Not only that, but she did it all while perfectly composed and carefree, sitting properly upon a picnic blanket, beneath a technicolor hellscape surging too-and-fro above us.  Not only is it all freely given, without a single requirement, but she’s always acting as though it’s perfectly normal and her home hasn’t been blown up.

In this sort of situation, it’s a devastating attack. 

I haven’t just walked into a minefield, but a killzone with the entire might of the JSDF behind it. And, I don’t happen to be the guy with two elves, a gothic-lolita, and an archmage, so I’m most definitely it’s target, instead of reaping its benefits.

I’m expected to entertain, bemuse, and enter a good talking relationship with this creature? Wait, you might get the wrong idea by the term “creature.” I have no issue whatsoever talking to Kyuubi or any other powerful Youkai. What I mean by “creature” is the fact that I’m in the presence of an elegant lady in a world of etiquette and social powerplays, in which I barely count as a person. In fact, in this battlefield, I’m pretty sure I’m more like a weed that’s supposed to be crushed into the mud by the real warriors fighting in it.

My current existence, sitting across from the woman known as Yakumo Ran, is entirely due to her own benevolence. 

Thankfully, I have experience in regards to exploiting the kindness of others, thanks to Reimu.

In any situation where someone is being ludicrously nice to me, the only counterattack Hikigaya Hachiman has is to try and be nicer. 

“My, my, you’re certainly very kind when you need to be.” Ran gave as a small smile, as I served her with all the diligence and poise I could muster. Not very much, but it’d be zero, without Reimu’ inclusion into my life. Certainly, I’ve taken care of my sister, and I’ve helped my parents out at home plenty, but there’s a definite something to taking care of a girl that’s not your family. What’s that? Why am I hearing the cries of my fellows charging over the hills at me led by Zaimokuza? Are those tears of blood leaving your gaze, while you’re screaming “go die!?” “I’m glad to know that you can be kind to those you must be kind to, but you must remember not to be subservient. You hold authority yourself, and you undermine that if you are too kind.”

“I’ll keep that in mind, thanks.” I was tempted to speak formally, to just go all-in, grovel, and just not care about my pride as a human being. How can you care about something you never had anyway (lol)? More seriously, if I had to throw aside my pride, I’d do it in a heartbeat if it meant placating and avoiding a fight. Reimu might be strong, but I’d be a terrible supporter, let alone boyfriend, if I had her fight every battle because I’m not willing to bow my head, or act like an idiot. Still, even if I was willing to do all those things, my instincts told me that Yakumo Ran wasn’t interested in such things, so I spoke with her plainly and respectfully, like I would Hiratsuka-sensei. “Do you have any more advice?”

I poured her some tea when I noticed that she was running low, and she gave a light hum as she let herself think. 

“I’d like to say that you should keep that attitude of yours, especially against people like Yukari-sama.” Oh, I thought you were about to praise me for wanting to know more and asking questions. I suppose asking too many questions would deteriorate my “authority” as much as being too kind would, huh? “You already have a reputation of being coarse and unkind, so when you choose to be kind and present yourself as a gentleman, it is a refreshing and pleasant surprise… and it can make a woman feel special when you treat them differently from others.”

“Ah, it’s the old ‘I’m only nice to you’ skit.” 

Nowadays, it’s called gap moe, but I’d rather die than have that phrase attached to me.

“Indeed, it is. Your reputation precedes you, therefore you must subvert your reputation just for them.” Yakumo Ran beamed for a second, before blinking multiple times, and summoning a fan to her hands. Suddenly, the effusive advisor was replaced by a demure, cautious lady. Oi, I’m not raising any flags her, so put all of that concern for your virtue away. The only virtue I’m interested in is Reimu’s. Wow, that was a lot less lewd as a feeling. Thank goodness I don’t think aloud. “My goodness, it’s far more effective than I realized. After all of Yukari-sama’s groans and gripes about you, I’m practically dancing to your tune after you served me tea!”

“Uh-huh, sure. Fine.” Let’s get this weird flag put away somewhere where it can’t pop up and enable romcom shenanigans in my romance. As pleasant the idea is to get into awkward situations with Reimu that’ll make our relationship grow, I figure helping her out with her current problems is progressing our relationship at a steady enough pace. “So, be nice when people expect me to be terrible, and be terrible to those who just decide I am and attack, is that right?”

Thankfully, Yakumo Ran was just joking, and when she put away her fan, she had the same expression she had since we met. Calm, smiling, and calculating, the Kyuubi nodded amusedly at me as I stepped into the realm of supernatural politics with her instructions. Yep, I’m already filing all these facts and information away as “possible lies,” because there’s no way in hell I’m just going to accept whatever this woman’s telling me. 

“And, with that, you pass my little test for now.” Yakumo Ran stood up and towered over me for a second, and cast her gaze upon the battle. I hadn’t noticed, but it was dying down, as the weight of sheer numbers brought low even the mighty individual known as Yakumo Yukari. Was it really her defeat though, when she wasn’t fighting with her Familiar, and the one her Familiar ordered around? I’m guessing that she was testing Reimu too… and I’m totally going to tell Reimu about it later. “And, as you can see, Gensokyo’s lovely Miko and her companions are passing Yukari-sama’s own test. Congratulations, Hikigaya Hachiman, it seems you will truly become the Priest of the Hakurei temple.”

Since I’ve already passed, I didn’t hesitate to speak my mind, while continuing to ignore the food and refreshment offered to me. I wasn’t foolish enough to eat when she barely took a single bite herself. Only an idiot would eat anything made by a Kitsune, let alone a Kyuubi, when they’re typically the evil tricksters of every story. 

However, back to speaking my mind.

“That’s not for me, you, your master, or any Shrine to decide. It’s completely Reimu’s to choose.” If I fucked up somehow, and I have a feeling that I might because I’m me, then Reimu can break up with me. Would I do everything to stop that from happening? Yes. However, in the end, she’s going to choose the person she’s going to spend her life with. Not me. Not anyone else. And, of course, not a Shrine she already got shafted into caring for her entire life. “But, as long as she’ll have me, I’ll do my best to help her out no matter what. If that means being nice to you all, I’ll be nice… and if it means pissing you all off so she can get an excuse, I’ll do that too.”

For a second, when Yakumo Ran turned to me with a smile filled with fangs and with her eyes narrowed to slits, I felt my heart skip a beat in fear.

The words that followed that look made me regret my words, especially since Reimu’s victory with her friends meant she zoomed right towards me and the Kitsune.

My heart skipped several beats in fear with every word she uttered next.

“Ara, ara, it’d be such a shame to see you go, Hachiman-kun.” Sacchrine. Utterly sweet. The voice that Reimu heard and was directed at me was truly “ear candy” and made my childhood friend freeze for a second, before her entire face snapped towards the Kyuubi. Ran’s feral expression faltered just a little at the sharp look my girlfriend sent her. I have to admit, she was way better at acting calm than me, because I was having palpitations at her actions from residual energies alone. “I-if you ever feel lonely, be sure to c-call me okay?”

Reimu’s features went from frozen to thunderous in an instant at the Kitsune’s words… and Yakurmo Ran did the wise thing and disappeared, before she got beaten down.

Leaving me with my girlfriend, who in a single morning, saw me get kidnapped, rescued me, and left me alone only to find a woman flirting with me the moment her back was turned.

Without hesitation, I did the only thing possible to shut down an argument, regardless of the fact that all her friends were descending from the skies with their eyes on us.

I tilted her chin up, met her baleful glare as calmly as I could, wrapped my free arm around her waist to pull her in, and did my best impression of a Nagisa Shiota on my cute girlfriend. 

In other words, I did my best to kiss her to smithereens.

There was brief attempt to push me away for a second, but the moment I resisted… she cutely went very calm and limp in my arms.

Crisis averted at the cost of a deep kiss with my girlfriend.

I.e. no cost at all.

Take that, romcom gods.

This is totally, entirely a Reiwa-era fluff manga only.

…

Thankfully, once I calmed and cooled Reimu down, her friends took the hint and left after introducing themselves to me and waving goodbye. Only Marisa stayed, and that was because she gained immunity to our antics last night, and was very interested in the food left behind by Yakumo Ran. While my girlfriend remained slightly dreamy as she sat against me and stared at the sky, the Chuuni-witch gobbled down a sandwich and took very enthusiastic gulps of food made by an evil fox spirit.

Man, I sure hope I’m wrong about that food being poisoned.

“Five minutes after a big finale fight, and the two of you are romancing it up already.” Kirisame grumbled after satisfying herself. Her words caused Reimu to stir from her bleary-eyed contentment. After verifying that I don’t need to defuse another situation at great personal cost to myself (lol) I leaned back and let her sit up on her own. She shook her head for a second, then began to blush as she realized how we ended up. She’d been using me as a chair for the last five minutes. “I know you two are head over heels for each other, but can’t you tone it done for us single-lifers? We can’t all go out and get a boyfriend from the human world!”

I suppose that, if your options are a young man from the Human Village stuck in pre-Imperial Japan and a young man from modern times, you’d choose the young man from modern times. Heck, I think I’ll make the same choice, if I was forced to choose between the two. At the very least, you’re going to get someone who car read, write, and modern values, which aren’t particularly great, but they’re better than what we had a century ago. 

But that thought is irrelevant, because Reimu is blushing up a storm, and doing her best to come up with a reason to keep sitting on my lap.

Naturally, I removed the problem she had to solve entirely.

“Well, I guess we’ll leave you to this, then.” Standing up, I hefted my girlfriend in my arms. She made a cute squeaking sound, and looked apprehensive about her weight, until I showed off what little manliness I had and began to walk away. Kirisame’s reaction to the sudden change in situation as hilarious, she missed her mouth and stuck the pointed end of an egg sandwich into her face. “Us couples will leave you single-lifers alone and take our romance elsewhere. Thank you for your help, I’m off to pamper my girlfriend for the rest the summer, thank you very much.”

I’m sure that there’s more to Gensokyo, and this isn’t the end of my interactions with it and everyone inside it, but for now I only had one thing in mind. Since the “mystery” of my constant disappearances and reappearances have been solved, and Reimu will probably know how to fix it, my only goal for the summer was to enjoy my time with Reimu until I had to go back home. 

We’ve already wasted nearly two weeks of our first summer together, so I intended to make the next two weeks the absolute best.

And, judging from how Reimu was smiling as we walked away from Yakumo’s wrecked home, and Kirisame’s egg-covered face, she agreed with me wholeheartedly.