Wrecking the Database 2 (Log Horizon/Oreigaru) (Patreon)

Wrecking the Database  2 (Log Horizon/Oreigaru)

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Commissioned by: Weise

Wordcount: 2659

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Behold my works, ye mighty, and tremble in fear.

For I am the legendary, mythical, and ultimate Househusband.

And, wherever I go there shall be comfiness! 

What was that? Did you think I would have the super-edgy, dumb Wanderer subclass? No! As I said before, my character’s build is simple: decide who lives and who dies, while tanking whatever comes my way! My damage nonexistent, my DPS is a joke, and my cooldowns are long… but in a raid I am indispensable.

Naturally, when I didn’t want to hang around other people, I needed to keep my domicile in order. Now, while one might say that I’m being inefficient with my choosing of a subclass, that is patently untrue. The Househusband Class, at maximum power, provides the maximum of the base skills of twelve other subclasses, including all their base state upgrades! 

12 Subclasses at Level 10 is patently better than 1 Subclass at Level 90, even if it did lock me out of the higher end skills!

And, of course, being able to turn my dusty, dirty abode into a place fit for visitors in less than ten minutes, with a crackling hearth and a smattering of food, was the absolute best!

I was also sure that was why I could cook and Komachi couldn’t!

“Stop showing off, Onii-chan! I know you’re making fun of me right now! Your eyes give it away!” Whether using the menu or trying to actually cook in our new world, all of Komachi’s attempts to cook ended in disaster. By disaster, I mean it becomes a Failed Product, becoming a mass of purplish, ghoulish, and flavorless mush with a tendency to jiggle and have no texture. For my beloved little sister, it was a sore spot to be incapable of cooking, since she had pride in her skills as a chef! But, Komachi, I am the chef now! Look at me! I am the chef! “Food is supposed to be made with love! Not mockery! You’re giving every cook in existence a bad name!”

Perhaps, but I bet I can cook while they can’t! So, technically, I’m the only cook in this existence! Therefore, I’m only giving myself a bad name!

Wait.

Did I just insult myself there?

Whatever. 

“Relax, relax. We’ll figure it out later. Just eat.” I waved Komachi’s anger down. It was pretty easy. She was the perfect little sister. Therefore, at the dinner table, she had better manners than I did. We always ate together, said our thanks, and kept to custom while our parents slaved away the nights. “But, save some for Zaimokuza. I bet that minmaxing bastard hasn’t eaten since our transfer.”

Hmmm? What’s that? Did you expect me to endeavor on some long, arduous journey across a new world to gather my companions? Fill out a whole season with meaningless dialogue and worthless moments that have no value to the plot whatsoever? Why the heck would I do that when I have a no-lifer with a no-life guild full of no-lifers at my beck and call? 

When in doubt, no-lifers can solve every problem.

That’s the Japanese motto. 

“You should be nicer to Zaimokuza-kun, Onii-chan! Even if he’s a weirdo, who probably likes this more than you, he doesn’t have anyone who cares for him!” Oi, oi, oi! Didn’t you just tell me to be nicer to him!? The truth hurts, you know!? I just call him a no-lifer, min-maxer, and bastard! I just imply that he doesn’t have anyone who cares for him. That’s all I do. I don’t actually say it aloud! I only imply! Also, I noticed that you said that you care about me, and that makes my new Isekai better. While I do disklike the fact that I can’t live out my Isekia fantasies until you’re max-levelled, that earns you a lot of Komachi Points, Komachi. “If you keep being mean to him, we’ll lose our only way to get everyone here safely!”

Ah, yes. The fact that I had a domicile in frontier Lander territory, instead of a city. That was indeed an issue for people who can die. Most players focused on buying their homes near the Bank and the Citadel for obvious reasons. Gold came in stacks and took up inventory, and a Level 90 Thief has a 10% chance of picking even the most secure storage chest, so Players used the Bank for all their money. The Citadel is where people who died respawned. I, of course, had neither problem. If I needed money, and someone broke through all fifty of maximum level storage chests, I just needed to farm for a few days to fill them up again. 

And, I didn’t die. 

However, the poor mortals coming to visit me required both on their coming journey, until they could utilize my treasures and beg me to keep them alive forever. 

Until everyone reaches me, Zaimokuza is necessary existence. 

“I guess I should be nicer to him for now. You’re right Komachi.”

“That would sound a lot nice, if you didn’t suggest he’ll be worthless afterward, Onii-chan.”

“I guess, yeah.”

“Even if you can cook, you don’t have the love needed to make food worth eating…”

“You know it.”

…

Zaimokuza, indeed, is the best Player I know. There are many scary players out there. People with skill, intelligence, and drive who can also gather people around them and form guilds. They are the talented nerds, who have no life outside, but can be great when there’s no chance of reprisal and all the hurtful things happen inside a screen. As always, those geniuses have their polar opposites: the no-lifers.

The no-lifer lives a wretched, pitiable existence. They man the social media events. They buy the merchandise. They support the company by buying cosmetic items. However, they are truly terrible for one reason alone: they take things in the game 100% seriously. They establish the meta-game, compose strategies, and have one of every character type with Re-Skill items tucked into their back pocket and spreadsheats and data on the other screen. They’ve modded their game for maximum information disclosure, instead of lewd, client-side mods, like normal, single young men who play mmorpgs. 

However, some no-lifers are just cogs in the wheel. They are portions of a guild, who follow the Alpha Otaku, and simply contribute to the greatness of another.

Zaimokuza is not one of those no-lifers.

No, he is a no-lifer among no-lifers. 

He is everything wrong with Japanese society. The individual who has lost all faith in society, thus committing himself entirely to a dream that isn’t real. As soon as maintenance ends, he is online and researching, paving the way for no-lifers who aren’t as commited. He publishes guides on every raid for every class, with videos evidence, not even a week after the raid is finished. He consumes content voraciously, without hesitation, and never complains about what he finds. He sends his report, writes his forum post, and that decides the meta of the game until the next update.

What I’m trying to avoid saying is that I should’ve expected Zaimokuza to be a loli.

I really should’ve. 

“Greetings, my comrade from another life, I have come to deliver thee grand news!” Ah, Kami-sama, why must you punish me this way. Why must that gross, tubby, and trench-coat-clad bastard now be this perfectly calculated avatar of cuteness? Logically, as a man of taste, I cannot detest what I see before me. Zaimokuza’s avatar avoids clichés, yet stays earnest in reference to origins, and upholds various otaku stereotypes with utmost loyalty. I want to hate the sight before me, because I know the soul of the body, but I cannot. “The route to thou safe haven, where no demons will fear to tread, is easy enough for thou companions to traverse with my guild’s glorious aid!”

“Onii-chan… I’m scared…” I am too, Komachi. Through your untainted eyes, free of the filth of otaku culture, you see a mere fragment of the terrible truth. You merely see a grown man, your brother’s age, perfectly pretending to be a little girl clad in an armored gothic uniform, with perfectly calculated features and mannerisms. Indeed, the red-eyed, bronze-haired Sword Dancer before you is indeed the Zaimokuza you know… but now he has a voice and body that perfectly fits his own mental image. “Do something, please!”

I considered my options.

But, they all involved speaking to a tubby, hikkimori otaku who’s now living it up as a steampunk, loli vampire armed with a rapier and a feathered hat and exuding continuous happiness. 

I love you, my beloved little sister, but I’d honestly rather die than speak to Zaimokuza right now—

AHHHH, it’s touching my hands! This sloppy, ugly no-lifer with the body of a little girl is touching me! It’s gazing at me with an earnest, pure smile that’s super cute, but I can easily see the dirty-spectacled mouth-breather hidden behind the perfectly-composed face! Kami-sama has given me the divine skill to see a person’s true soul… and I don’t want it! Damn you, Kami-sama! Take this gift back this instant! Otherwise, I’m gouging out my eyes! 

“Rest assured, my companion throughout lifetimes, I will aid thee in thou efforts to train everyone! This new world is vast and immense and frightening, but I we shall prevail over it together!” Chuuni speak should never be this appealing. Really, it should be ludicrous to hear such words leave anyone’s mouth. But, it works here. Unfortunately, it works here. Horribly, it works here. Despite the fact it hurts my sanity, it works here.  Zaimokuza now has the looks to back up his stupid hobby… and he’s a young woman with the stature of a little girl. Why. Why couldn’t you have just been normal and upgraded your looks, or had the confidence to just use your own features? Well, I suppose the latter’s impossible for you, but you could’ve at least tried the former! “Together, thou forces and what’s left of my guild shall forge ahead and discover the mysteries of this Catastrophe!”

While one part of me took note of how s/he called the Transfer the Catastrophe, I latched onto a more important piece of information.

“Exactly how much of your guild is left, Zaimokuza?” Oi, oi, oi. Don’t do that. Don’t twirl your golden locks between two fingers and look away whilst holding your hat against your chest. That both sends me warning signals and damages my sanity. Please, Zaimokuza, consider no longer existing. Or, at the very least, disappearing from all my senses while retaining the ability to communicate with me via chat. For my sake, please stop existing, beyond your capacity to benefit me and my own. Thank you very much. “Answer the question, Zaimokuza.”

“U-unfortunately, my friend through myriad realities, the majority of my guild were not as faithful to the game as I’d initially expected. The halls of my guild are barren, as many have decided to simply sequester themselves in the city, without any intent to traverse our new existence.” Translation: I’m currently useless and I’ve actually come here to ask you for help for my help. So, not only am I currently unjustly suffering, with my sanity fraying at the seams, what I’m buying for my lost sanity is not what was advertised. “I-I see that thou have retained your ability to glare with a demonic gaze t-throughout worlds, Hachiman-kun! T-that’s very impressive!” Oh, no. If you think your cuteness will help you here, you’re dead wrong, Zaimokuza. Oh? What are you going to do with that Maximum Rarity, Fully Upgraded Sword? Are you going to attack me? How cute. “S-stay back!”

I approached with the intent to recover some of my sanity and will to live through copious amounts of violence.

The best way to recover sanity and will to live, really.

“W-would thou truly inflict wrath upon mine form before thine own flesh and blood of a younger age!?” Zaimokuza backed against the corner. S/he had nowhere to go whilst I loomed over her. Well, I bet you’re regretting your choice to be a loli now, huh!? “Hachiman-kun, if thou truly loves thine younger sibling, would you not wish to lead her away from violence!?”

Pausing my imminent judgement of a soul too lost and sick to be taken by the underworld, I looked towards Komachi. Indeed, Zaimokuza was somewhat correct. Fighting monsters and killing the endless spawn was fine, but there’s a difference between killing monsters and hurting Zaimokuza—

“Go ahead, Onii-chan! You have Komachi-chan’s full support! Please, hurt that person who has hurt our sensibilities!”

Nevermind, both were the same.

“NOOO, I DON’T WANT TO BE PART OF A DOUJIN!”

I knew it, you tubby bastard!

That character model is from a freaking Doujin! 

Die! 

Die for hurting my brain and choosing not to turn back into a man!

Mostly the former!

Primarly the former!

Actually, I don’t care about the latter at all, you can be whoever you want!

I want my innocence back, dammit!

…

After inflicting some pain on Zaimokuza, she went on her way back to retrieve everyone else. While her guild was worthless, which was strange given how many otaku should be creaming their pants, or panties, over our current situation… Zaimokuza was still a Level 90 No-Lifer amongst No-Lifers. Given that ludicrous amounts of damage is the best way to quickly clear new expansions and access new raid bosses, I had faith in her min-maxed, no-fun build being able to carry everyone else out of Akihabara and to my out-of-the-way home in the Frontier. 

Also, I had faith in the fact that she had no social ability whatsoever and I was her only friend, so she had to do what I asked her to. Otherwise, she’ll be a friendless loser even in her Isekai adventure.

But, what’ll my next move be now?

Due to the fact I’d underestimated Zaimokuza’s inability to be useful, even in what’s supposed to be his perfect work, which was foolish in hindsight, I am now at a loss.

Well, to be exact, I now have actual responsibilities to live up to. While I had Zaimokuza’s no-life brain to utilize for information on game mechanics, without the slaves she could’ve provided, I now have to help everyone else level up their characters. I was willing to back everyone’s stay, provide them with food, and passively become the side-character they come to everyday after work, entrenching myself firmly in everyone’s hearts and minds as the most important person in their lives while doing nothing at all. 

However, that plan is now jeopardy, because I actually have to teach them.

Everyone knows that the tutorial NPC is the most annoying NPC to ever exist, and anyone with the chance to kill said NPC would happily do so. I’d originally planned for that to be Zaimokuza, through her no-life guild, because everyone already hates her, so there’s no net loss in that field. Yet, due to her ability to fail in a situation where she shouldn’t have been able to, I am now in that unenviable spot. Instead of being the NPC that provides money, nutrition, and witty commentary, I am now permanently set to be the most annoying, smarmy, and arrogant imbecile to all my low level companions.

Typically, I’m only smarmy and arrogant, so that’s a thirty-three percent increase in the reasons why people dislike me. 

That’s untenable grounds right there.

I barely stay alive and better than Zaimokuza in my current state.

So, naturally, I need to find, locate, and harass/bribe someone into teaching everyone as soon as possible.

But, where can I find a someone weird and strange and lacking in self-respect enough to be both okay with current circumstances and willing to help players become not worthless?

Hmmm… nope.

I got nothing.

I really should have more than Zaimokuza in my friends list.

Not.