catch 22. [blane rekner] (Patreon)

synopsis: Blane is in a bit of a predicament, and it may or may not involve you.

note: a different drabble from what i usually write, but it's what i was in the mood for so it's what you're getting haha. i hope you enjoy regardless <3

How many times will Blane have to repeat to themself that they hate you until it finally becomes true? If it was a hundred, they’d already be at that point. If it’s a thousand, they’re working toward that next. If it’s more… well, Blane worries they might be out of time. Out of time before they have to accept that it’s not true at all.

Because out of all the people they hate the most, it’s themself.

Blane hates themself because everyone else does. And everyone hates them because they hate themself. It’s a never-ending cycle, a loop that makes sense to no one other than Blane. Even then, sometimes it doesn’t.

Sometimes Blane lays in their bed, staring at the ceiling waiting for the world to crush them and everything beneath them to come crumbling down. Sometimes Blane ignores the calls from N and presses their eyes shut, wondering if tomorrow will finally be the day that this feeling goes away. Sometimes Blane thinks about what they’re doing with their life and can’t breathe, panicking, panicking, panicking until they drift off in shivers.

Everything is so stupid. From an outside perspective, the solution is simple: stop being an asshole. Stop treating everyone so poorly and maybe you’ll find yourself happier as a cause of it.

But that’s a catch twenty-two.

Blane had a horrible upbringing and an even worse childhood. They never think about it anymore, but the past isn’t always just the past. Sometimes it’s the present, sometimes it’s even the future. If Blane could shed that part of them, they would, but they can’t.

It’d be like ripping off their own skin.

They’ve pushed through life with all the strength they can, reinforcing their heart with steel, strengthening their defences so that nothing would hurt them. Ruining relationships with others before they can even start, making everyone hate them so they won’t have to deal with the heartbreak of the fallout in the future, is part of that plan.

But just when Blane thought they were invincible, they met you.

The fucking bane of their existence.

Deep down, Blane knows you’ve done nothing wrong. You had little to no choice in being Caine’s favourite, just as Blane had little to no choice in being Caine’s least favourite.

You’re a victim just as much as they are, if you can even call it that.

If they’re honest with themself, they couldn’t care less about positions. You’re a good hunter, a great one, even. Blane knows that you got to where you are because of skill, not because Caine  randomly decided to place you at the top one day.

And that’s fine.

But everyone needed a reason for why Blane was so snappish and they decided that this was it. That it was you that they hated and the Rankings and the unfairness of the department inner circle.

They weren’t entirely wrong.

Blane dislikes you, but it’s not for the reasons that everyone thinks.

Blane dislikes you because when you walk into a room, their gaze immediately goes to you.

Blane dislikes you because when they come into work, you’re the first thing that comes to mind. Whether you’re in or not, whether you were injured on your hunt, whether the two of you will cross paths today.

Blane dislikes you because when they wake up in the middle of the night, it’s because they were dreaming about your lips. Your kiss. Your hand clasping theirs and your arm brushing theirs. Your legs intertwining and your smile widening because you saw them enter the room.

Blane dislikes you because they don’t at all.

N would tell them to just drop their charade, to show everyone who they’ve shown N—the person who isn’t an asshole but merely someone sensitive who, in retaliation, keeps their walls way too high—but it’s not so simple.

As much as Blane hates hiding, they hate feeling hurt more. They’ve felt enough of that for a lifetime, so if this is the sacrifice they need to make to never feel it again, so be it.

One day, things will change and they’ll stop seeing you every day. You’ll transfer or they will, you’ll get different jobs, live different lives. You’ll live in different cities, perhaps even countries. Blane will no longer have the arrow in their heart slowly threatening to break their defences open.

Everything will be okay.

When they learn to dissolve the feelings they’ve begun to develop, everything will be okay.