I’m really sorry about any frustrations (Patreon)

This situation has been very stressful for me, I was avoiding being on my computer for the past week, one of my partners bought me pikmin 4 and thats helped me destress a bit

I want to vent a little,

Overall I am so glad that this pays for my rent and I get to live with my partners without having the stress of dealing with a job market that is extremely inhospitable to anyone who is neurodivergent like myself, I get to do something that I enjoy, something I have fun making, something others have fun with, I get to do that and it’s amazing.

But theres also so much anxiety sometimes, I create pornography, and the internet and payment processors have become increasingly hostile to adult oriented works, I have that weight hanging over my head that a simple policy change could entirely kill my income and I’d have to rely on savings until I get some job I’d hate. It already sort of happened, I tried to use Kofi, since I would have had less fees and been making a little more, but then they decided to kill my page, didn’t tell me what part of tos I broke, since I wasn’t posting porn of any real people, my best guess is a link on NSFW sites, which PP hates, despite me not using PP as the processor, however removing the page didn’t make people unsub they would still have to do it manually, but theres no way for me to contact and tell anyone what happened unless they were in the discord or on another site, for them, it just suddenly vanished, any site could simply decide to do that at any moment.

Even if I make my own website which I am trying to do, the payment processor, I currently prefer Stripe, I would be at their whims, I would still have that weight over my head, that as unlikely as it is, someone might look my way, someone might decide they don’t like me having a living off of adult content, and just drop the hammer on me.

And then, people exploiting my content for their own reasons, Charem, Garoshadowscale, they don’t give the slightest damn about the mental well being of the artists they exploit, they just want content they can use to groom minors into their kinks under the guise of “theres no sex parts so its sfw” And when they do, it is so hard to find the drive to want to work on things when they’re doing things like that, it kills the spirit.

That is why I hope people understand why I have everything closed at the moment, I didn’t want any of that attention, and all this hit me right after I was beginning HRT, I was so happy, and then I got hit with all this anxiety when my moods are already going to be unstable while my body adjusts, I just need people to be patient with me, I just need people to understand, when I feel safe again things will go back to normal, I don’t need anyone saying I’m making excuses and I just want to make the mod paid only, that I’m being greedy, because it hurts, it hurts.

When I had changed the monetization on it last year, that wasn’t greed, it was a necessity, I had been living with my parents, I needed to move out, I was broke, I would need to pay for rent, I can’t do art commissions regularly my art itself is inconsistent and hard to get past block, it really was my only option other than getting some retail job, and that decision basically saved me then. If I am honest… it did feel a little… ‘gross’ doesn’t seem like the best word, some discomforting feeling, but not really angry or unpleasant or anything, it felt weird that the profits went up from around $70 dollars a month to around $300 within a few days of that change, enough to almost make my cut of rent but not pay for food or anything, but now its a bit past that by this point, most of it, it just felt strange that, it felt like people would only support me if I gated it, rather than just support me to work on it for everyone, I hope one day I’ll be able to feel comfortable enough to go back, but thats a risk I’m not willing to take anytime soon, people still sub just to get the most recent, and then unsub, which is fine, they buy the most recent, I get a little more for savings, but it doesn’t help me much in the long term since its a one time thing, and this version has taken so long to work on because theres so many little things to do.

I like having more money, I just need enough for my needs to be fulfilled, and I’m happy, I get to be with my partners, the house we rent isn’t furnished much, but we hope to get savings to have some better furniture than just lawnchairs soon

Starbound is a frustrating game to mod as well, and I think people don’t really understand that, the amount of work it took to be able to make the player shrink, to add the animated bellies and boobs and such to the player object and have it appear almost seamless, it took so much effort and thats just that one thing, there are so many things that could be better if I could simply change a few things one can’t with the way starbound loads mods, its why I am hoping somebody uses that source to make a new modloader for it, I am hoping so much because I could do a rewrite to make everything bad about the mod not be, all the bullshit workarounds I had to do to get around annoying things starbound does, I could just not have to do, it would be wonderful, I can only hope, and if not, I’d try my hand at doing it myself, but then that’d likely be a few months of mostly solo work on my part to make it work on multiple platforms where people get frustrated that nothing seems to be happening, and I still need to save up enough to get the parts to build a PC because I’ve been working on a macbook my family gave me years back and it isn’t great when so many of my users are on Windows and have windows specific issues because of just how weird starbound is

Long wall of text, I hope people can understand me a bit better, because I’m generally a recluse, I don’t like too much attention, I get absorbed in my work, I don’t talk outside of my own personal spaces much, the internet is very large and very scary