Rainbow Bridge (Patreon)

What I hope to be the final sad Sammy post. 

It's within our sights. I can't decide if we're a bit late, or a bit early, but too soon he will cross where I cannot follow. It's almost 24 hours away now and I'm a wreck. I'm trying my best to give him his best final moments, but no matter what it never feels like enough. Every moment spent away from him feels like a moment wasted.

But he's always been a very unique dog. I got him with my ex, about 12 years ago. Probably within months of having started /r/girlscontrolled, now that I think about it. He was very motionless at the shelter, very still and observant of his surroundings. My ex fell in love with him and just HAD to have him, but I wasn't so sure. He was a beautiful dog but I could tell he was different and that put me off. It's so stupid to think about now but his whole demeanor has become one of the things I'll miss most.

We took him to a dog park soon after we first got him. My other dog was running around with many other dogs, but Sammy found a nice shady tree away from the commotion and laid down. There was a pool, and he took an interest in plopping in the shallow end, though quickly retreated back to the shady tree. When he finally began to "come out of his shell", he wasn't really that much different. At his best he loved to be pet, but only wanted maybe 60 seconds of attention and then retreated to his corner. When he wagged his tail, it would be a few wags and then nothing (unless food was involved). He was never very excitable, always sat very "proper" (with one paw overlapping the other which strangers and I found extremely adorable). Long, chocolate brown fur that was dark and beautiful, now sun-kissed in his final times. 

He was a rather challenging pup, and really tested me growing up. I was not ready to take care of this dog. He taught me so much. After my ex and I grew apart, Sammy and I were already attached. When we finally split up, I took Sammy. From our little 1-bedroom apartment, dreaming of one day having a house with a yard and now we have been living the good life for a few years now, especially since going full time on Artifact. Still, I wish I could have done more. I wonder how he views his life, how he views me. I wonder if he feels like he's lived his best life. From a near emotionless pup to actually wagging his tail and pushing his body into mine whenever I come home. He's always been so incredibly smart, I think he understands a lot more than you'd think a dog would. 

I'll miss him so much. I wasn't ready for him to enter my life, and now I can't imagine going on without him. I thought it would be several years of decline first, like a big warning sign. I just took him in for a checkup 6 weeks ago only to learn he was already on his way out. It almost doesn't feel real. I want to scream at the reaper. I want to grip his bony shoulders and shake. 

But I can't.

So... we're about to go walk again. Sammy and I have been on so many walks together, but not nearly as much as he deserves. If he's unable to eat today... it may be our final walk.

Thank you all for your words of comfort. I'm holding his paw as we approach this bridge. I'm sure I'll be reaching, grasping at the tips of his fur long after he crosses.