💭🖤 (Patreon)

I'm just now starting to feel a new normal after moving. The busyness of unpacking, reorganizing, and setting up the new place was a lot, of course, but what gave me the most trouble was that I ended up back in my head with everything. A few months ago I was trying to determine what factors that I thought I lacked as a person. All of which is stemming from the pressure I put on myself with becoming someone of some kind of importance. Someone that my mom would be proud of, those around me, and hopefully myself. I noticed how it went from wanting to make videos every day of the week to once a week. How I had always felt tired and dread before even getting out of bed. It sucks. The last thing I wanted to do was show that I was losing the battle I was in with myself within the videos. I still wanted to be of value to you guys even if I was feeling the opposite for most of the week.

In my last post about a similar subject, I mentioned that nothing has benefitted me in terms of growth so I figured the problem had to be me. It's been over a year being around the same subscribers/patrons on Patreon, With more downs than ups, I had been feeling like I "fell off" because I had been equating my worth with numbers. Like there was no more interest in me so I wondered if I should just enjoy kpop and stuff on my own but then I realized from when I started, all it was was curiosity. Wanting to share me checking out new stuff for the first time and maybe do the same with other people through the internet. I had never cared how many people clicked on the videos. I wanted to regain that sense of fun and carelessness with posting which is why I've been posting the way I have - primarily when it's something/someone that sparks a bit of excitement within me so that I can have a bit more of a flame that hopefully shows as well in the video. I don't know how long it would take for me to create this ideal perfect version of myself who can express joy on his face better when excited or scream, shout and let it all out when something crazy happens or cry when something moves me - but as long as I'm being mindful of who I want to be and actively pursuing it, I think I'll work on being less hard on myself about it. 

I have been so wrapped up in thinking about trying to be better that I never stopped to realize what I do have, what traits I already may have, and what impression I have left on those of you who are still around. Despite any times where I've lacked from personal issues or even through the move there's a handful of you who still stayed and regained an understanding. Rather than focusing so much on lost numbers and thinking it's all my fault I wasn't able to do better for everyone. 

I just wanted to share what I'd been thinking a bit lately and leave this as a reminder for myself to remember these thoughts if I start feeling these feelings for more than a day or two in a row and hopefully kick things back into gear. 

I really am appreciative of you all and hope that in times where I express things like this I'm not coming off a particular way. I do care about how many people videos can reach but mainly so I can have more people to interact with and grow the community we have. I think it's dope that I know a handful of you guys on multiple platforms with different usernames and can read you guys' messages and try to match personalities to them. I'll continue working on all this and hopefully, in hindsight, there will be a difference. :) Love you guys fr!