Invasion of the Diaper Elves: Strawberry Bootlaces, Part 1 (Patreon)

Lucy stared out the window of the bus. At least she had a window seat today. She would have liked to live a little closer to work, but sadly the library did not pay the kind of salary one would need to live within five miles of it. A familiar church spire slowly drifted past. The sky was pleasantly overcast. As always, and she hoped it would rain today.

She wondered if she would be on time. She reached into her pocket for her cellphone. Curiously, she found that neither pocket nor cellphone were there. She looked down.

Her eyes shot wide open. Not only was her cellphone not on her, neither were her pants. She was wearing nothing whatsoever below the waist except a bulging diaper, decorated with little decals of rainclouds.

Her hands shot down to her crotch. All her blood attempted to squeeze itself into her ears.. She had forgotten to change out her Bedwetter Pants! It seemed impossible that she could have gone through her entire morning routine without ever noticing that she was still wearing the wet diaper she had woken up in, but the proof was staring her in the face.

She knew she had no chance of hiding the enormous diaper. It was like a big white banner, announcing to the world her inability to stay dry at night. Covering it with her hands would only draw attention. How had no one noticed? Were they snickering quietly to themselves about the big diaper girl? She glanced around the bus. No one seemed to be paying any attention to her. Gimli and Legolas were seated behind her, muttering to each other in hushed tones. Hermione was a couple seats further back, chatting amiably with a large orangutan.

She straightened in her seat. The same church spire she had seen a moment ago drifted past again. She sighed deeply and collapsed backward into her seat as the magical transition from nightmare to lucid dream fell over her. She stretched and put her bare feet up on the back of the seat in front of her.

She loved her dreams, even if most of them involved embarrassment, and all of them involved diapers. Her Bedwetting chart had gathered plenty of stickers since that trio of mysterious magical beings had unexpectedly appeared her life. Still, there was nothing she could do about it, and it was sure to pass eventually. If she was going to be a Bedwetter, she decided that she may as well have fun with it. She playfully kicked the seat in front of her, something she had never done in real life, even when she had been a child. Dreaming when you know you're dreaming is always a good chance to do things that real life, with all its dreary rules and consequences, never allowed one to properly enjoy.

A familiar figure stood up from the seat in front of her. She was about Lucy's age. Her ears came to points, her eyes were a shimmering, vibrant blue, and she wore a yellow top hat with a pink ribbon. Below the waist, she wore a white diaper, although it wasn't quite as thick as the one Lucy wore.  Lucy smiled.

"Ooh. Long time, no see! Is this gonna be a sexy dream? Damn, I love these!" she whispered seductively.

The one with the yellow top hot was taken aback. "Uh, sorry to burst your bubble, Lucy. I'm actually here. Like, me the actual person. Sorry to intrude on you like this."

Lucy didn't look surprised. She launched herself over the back of the seat and settled down beside the other diapered passenger. She loved the way her body felt weightless when she was dreaming. "Cool! I didn't think I'd ever get to see you again! Are you here to do more magic stuff to me?"

The one in the yellow top hat smiled guiltily and rubbed her index fingers together. "Yeah, we really aren't allowed to do that. Normally, after we've visited someone, we have to leave them alone from then on. Still, I found a way to get back into your dreams. Since none of this is actually happening, I guess it doesn't technically count."

Lucy grinned widely. "So, you can visit me whenever? That is fucking awesome! Wait, are those other those other two around? The blonde and the one in the cowgirl costume?"

The one in the yellow top hot released a sigh of exasperation. "No, those two were just training me. I don't know if I'm gonna go visit people with them again. I mean, they're both nice to me and everything, but the one in the white jacket is all business, and the other one...well, she recruited me, and I'm grateful, but I just haven't really clicked with her...sorry, am I boring you?"

Lucy had turned to wave at Hermione and the Librarian. They smiled and waved back. She returned her attention to her magical companion. "Sorry, couldn't resist the call of celebrity! So, you're going solo? That's cool. Sorry I still don't have any black licorice for you."

"Sure you do! It's your dream. I'm just visiting." said the one in the yellow top hat.

Lucy glanced down. Black licorice coated the floor of the buss like a shiny black carpet. It grew in little tufts like grass. The sight would have disturbed her a moment earlier, but now that she knew she was dreaming, she just went with it.

"Hey, don't get distracted! I'm not here for fun. I need something from you! A favor. A big favor."

Lucy plucked two stalks from the floor and handed one to the one with the yellow top hat. "A favor from me? You're the one with the awesome magical powers. What am I gonna do that you can't?"

"Yeah, having magic is pretty cool, but like I told you, there's a ton of restrictions. I'm trying to help out this friend, you see. She needs to get a message through to someone, but we can't do it directly.  I need your help. I know it's a lot to ask, especially after I turned you into a Bedwetter, but it's really important! This lady is gonna get it way worse than you did if we don't help her out."

Lucy scooted closer. "Go onnn..."

"Okay, listen really carefully. I need you to talk to a woman named Francesca Charles. She's this cool lady who used to teach music. Someone, someone like me, but like, wayyy meaner is gonna visit her tonight. I need you to visit her and bring her something she desperately needs. Can I count on you?"

Lucy smiled. The one in the yellow top hat intrigued her. She was  so powerful, so bizarre and inexplicable, yet also so uncertain of herself. Never in her life had she had the opportunity to be the confident one, in any situation. She wasn't a wimp, she just never felt sure of herself. She felt like she had spent her whole life wandering around a library, always uncertain of what she was looking for. A library wasn't just a place to keep books. It was the crossroads of existence, the perfect place for someone who can never decide what they really want out of life. But now, she felt an instinctive drive, not an idea or plan, but just an impulse. Lucy rarely had impulses, and she wasn't about to ignore this one. She rested her chin on her elfin companion's shoulder

"Well...that all depends." she said in a conspiratorial whisper.

The one with the yellow top hat's eyebrows shot up. "On...?"

"Am I going to see you again? In my...dreams?" asked Lucy. Her smile widened.

Somewhere, in a place that is not spatially contiguous with the rest of the universe in any conventional sense, is a long, gently undulating corridor. The one in the blue air hostess uniform looked both ways, hoping no one could see her. The corridor was dimly lit, and little star-shaped lights peaked out of the dark blue walls. The corridor writhed in a constant multidimensional dance, so this required a lot of strenuous twisting and turning of the head. Satisfied that she was not observed, she gently pushed open a red door marked "Snakes", and stepped inside.

She hadn't liked the word on the door, and what she found inside chilled her even more. It was a bathroom. Neat and very clean green tiles with white mortar between them stretched out before her. Mirrors, walls, and sinks ran haphazardly across the landscape, cutting it into oddly-shaped chambers. Scattered around were hundreds of clean, white toilets. Toilets on the floor, walls and ceiling, with water sitting in the bowls in open defiance of gravity.  The one in the blue air hostess uniform closed the door behind her. She didn't want to be here. The toilets all looked vaguely menacing. She drifted forward, through several large galleries, all absolutely full of toilets. All unconcealed from each other, and all clearly never having been used by anyone. They gave her the heeby-jeebies. It was like walking through a graveyard.

"Are you lost?" asked a voice behind her. She jumped. Behind her floated a woman with her hair in pigtails. She wore a bright red racing jacket, decorated with iconic corporate brands, such as Play-Skool, Pampers, and Fisher-Price. She wore a pristine white diaper , with little racecars zooming across the front panel. Her arms were crossed, and her head was tilted as she appraised her visitor. She hovered in the air, her ears came to points, and her eyes shone an eerie blue color, but these characteristics didn't distinguish her from most people in this neighborhood.

"I got your message. The one with the..." began the one in the blue air hostess uniform, but the one in the red racing jacket cut her off. "No names! Er...well, you know what I mean. No descriptions. Even here, we don't know who's listening."

"Well, why do we have to meet here? This place is creepy as hell!" said  the one in the blue air hostess uniform.

"We have to meet somewhere people will avoid. Nobody's gonna come in here without a reason." she said levelly.

The one in the blue air hostess uniform sighed. "Fine. But once I've done this, I'm never coming back here."

"That shouldn't be necessary. I've been thinking about shifting locations anyway. Gotta keep the Judges on their toes.  Now, I understand there's someone over in the boring world you have issues with?"

The one in the blue air hostess uniform nodded. Her expression hardened.

"And there's nothing in the contract that says you can't go take care of it yourself. Nothing at all.  But the busybody Oracles wag their fingers and say no-no. Am I right?"

"Yeah. Friggin' fascists is what they are." agreed the one in the blue air hostess' uniform.

"Name?" asked the one in the red racing jacket.

"Dr. Francesca Charles. She was my music teacher in college. She..."

"Location?" interrupted the one in the red racing jacket.

"Grand Rapids, Michigan. Here, I couldn't find her exact address." she handed a scrap torn from a phonebook to the one in the red racing jacket. She looked at it briefly. It vanished in a flash of bluish light.

"Don't worry, we can." she said, exuding confidence. "And the punishment?"

The one in the blue air hostess uniform shuddered. She paused for a moment. Then, she pressed on.

"Make her stupid. Make her really, really dumb. Make her as dumb as she made me feel. Suggestible too, so that anyone just walk all over her. Go to town on her." she said. The one in the red racing jacket grinned. "Caaaan do! Now, are you ready to discuss remuneration?"

The one in the blue air hostess uniform inhaled sharply. "Okay, lay it on me."

"You know the Oracle with the water wings? She's up for re-election next month. We'd like her to win."

The one in the blue air hostess uniform nodded quickly. "Sure! She's got my vote. No problem."

The one in the red racing jacket smiled. "There's a little more to it than that. You're a fresh face, you have no previous political attachments, and you're likable. We need you to spread the word for us. Press the flesh, so to speak. You should be able to get at least ten votes just by chatting to a few pals. Then head over to the playpen and get a few dumb-dumbs on board. Wipe a few bottoms, blow on a few tummies, and they'll vote for whatever you want. As long as it can't be connected back to us. Remember: she just gets it. That's what we want people to have heard about her. She just gets it. Understood?"

The one in the blue air hostess uniform nodded and saluted stiffly. "She's just gets it. You can count on me!"

"I sure hope so. You really don't want to deal with us when we're mad. Listen, I'll leave first. Wait five minutes or so before leaving. We don't want to attract attention. And remember, this meeting never happened. Clear?"

She nodded quickly. The one in the red racing jacket narrowed her eyes at her, then floated away into the forest of toilets, through one of the narrow passageways, and disappeared from view.

The one in the blue air hostess uniform folded her hands and waited. She hated being alone here. At least it was clean. A dirty bathroom would have been gross, but she doubted it would have had the same creepy atmosphere. She could swear she heard something moving around among all the toilets. Sometimes she heard a low hiss in the distance. She had just about decided to leave much earlier than the promised five minutes, when she heard another voice.

"How'd it go?" said a voice in the distance.

"Why do you have to sneak up like that? I just wet my diaper a little!" said the one in the blue air hostess uniform.

Another woman floated into the tiled chamber. She had close-cropped hair, tattoos of roses and thorns across her arms and legs, and wore a leather vest over a white tank-top. She was also thickly diapered, naturally.

"It is generally a good idea to be discreet when dealing with the Assassins." said the one with the tattoos.

"It's not like they can actually hurt us." said the one in the blue air hostess uniform. Her brow furrowed, as a disturbing thought occurred to her.  "Wait, can they?"

"I wouldn't put it past them." said the one with the tattoos. "If they're down for illicit visitations, they probably won't hesitate to try a little illicit dueling, if they find themselves in a corner. Now, did you bait the trap?"

She narrowed her eyes. "I'm not even sure they actually have been doing illicit visitations. They want me to help the Oracle with the water wings to get re-elected."

The one with the tattoos blinked. "Her? Would've have guessed she'd be tied up with these people. Are you sure she wasn't on to you?"

The one in the blue air hostess uniform looked worried. "I mean,she was looking at me kind funny...you don't think they would give me the wrong person just to throw us off, do you?"

The one with the tattoo's shrugged. "That's all part of the game. No way to be sure who's playing who. We'll have to keep gathering evidence. If the Assassins have an Oracle supporting them, that would explain why they haven't been found out yet."

"But wouldn't they still need someone in Monitoring to cover up the harvest? What these Assassins do must bring in a lot." said the one in the blue air hostess uniform.

"Not necessarily. If an Oracle signed off on it, and there's no obvious connection between the Assassin and the victim, then it all just looks like another overzealous Collector. We already know the one in the racing jacket is in with the Collectors, but we need something we can actually pin on her."

"So is this it?" asked the one in the blue air hostess uniform. "Are we done?"

The one with the tattoos shook her head. "You still have to pay the piper. Go make sure the one with the water wings gets her votes. We need the Assassins to think you're on the up-and-up."

"What? But it's gonna be really obvious that I screwed them!" she objected.

"How? All kinds of things can happen when you're harvesting. Half the gals in the play-pen got there basically the same way, only by chance instead of by arrangement. As far as they'll know, you gave them a perfectly fine target, and she was just unlucky. We might even be able to do this scheme a couple more times before they wise up and change tactics."

The two women floated in silence for a moment. Sounds of hissing and slithering echoed through the tiled chambers.

"This really isn't what I thought this would be like when I signed up." said the one in the blue air hostess uniform sadly.

"Look, every time a good thing exists, under any circumstances, there's always going to be jerks who will ruin it if you let them. We have to fight for the things that matter. Always." said the one with the tattoos. It sounded like she was reciting a mantra.

"Wow. You really are a Judge." said the one in the blue air hostess uniform.

"Damn straight! Accept no substitutes." said the one with the tattoos.

"Look, don't expect me to feel good about this! I basically just painted a bullseye on Dr. Charles' forehead. If everything doesn't go exactly as planned, she could end up really messed up."

"I know its a risk, but we had to use somebody. If all goes well, she'll never have to deal with any of our kind ever again." said the one with the tattoos.

"You never actually explained to me how she's supposed to come out on top."

"You're right, and I'm not going to. Until the Oracles side with us, we need to be just as sneaky as the Assassins. That means controlling the flow of information. Don't worry. We have an ace in the hole that no one knows about. Now, you float along. I'll hang out for about..."

"...about five minutes, yeah, I know the drill." said the one in the blue air hostess uniform wearily. "Not gonna be sorry to see the last of this place."

She floated away, back toward the door.

Once she was certain that she was alone again, the one with the tattoos floated over to a nearby toilet. The water in the bowl sat clean and undisturbed.

With a thought, she manifested a frying pan in her hand. It was hot, and five strips of bacon sizzled enticingly in it. Solemnly, she emptied the pan into the pristine bowl. She pulled the handle, and watched the bacon whirl around and vanish. The frying pan disappeared with a pulse of bluish light.

"Thhhankssss." said a soft voice.

"Keep up the good work, buddy." whispered the one with the tattoos. She drifted away.