Succubus Lord 19 -- Chapter 5 (Patreon)

“There,” Cupi announced as she released her spell of blue Hellfire, and the blonde Demon Lord lowered herself back down to the rest of the group as we stared off at the remnants of our mansion. “That should be the last of the flames.”

Even though Cupi had managed to put out the fire, we’d been so preoccupied with the four horsemen that three-quarters of the place had been engulfed in flames. The white stucco walls were stained black with smoke, and the entire left side of the dwelling had completely crumbled away from the structural damage the fire caused.

“Holy shit, bro!” Todd’s voice announced from somewhere inside the rubble. “I found ‘em!”

The little imp flew up out of the ruins with a large black fire safe in his hands. He floated down to the ground, placed the box before us, and then shoved his key into the lock.

“What is it, Todd?” Deja asked as she clapped her hands together. “Is it money you’ve saved from your multilevel marketing company.”

“Todd’s Treasures?” The imp looked up as he turned the key. “That’s an idea that’s come and gone.”

“Excuse me?” Oliver spoke up. “Did I just hear you say Todd’s Treasures is no more?”

“What happened to the large sum of money I paid to become a Platinum Member?” Raphael demanded. “My status as a platinum member is not something I take lightly.”

“Chillax, bros,” Todd reassured the men. “Todd’s Treasures is founded on one principle, and one principle only--”

“Oh, good,” Oliver sighed. “You are always looking out for your investors.”

“No…” the imp scoffed. “Our motto is ‘Fuck Bitches, Get Money.’ It’s like you weren’t even paying attention at the onboarding meeting, Ollie.”

“I was paying attention,” Raphael proclaimed. “How else do you think I was able to rise up the ranks so quickly? I am the perfect employee for such a well-crafted, people-focused multi-level marketing company.”

“Uh, right,” Todd mumbled under his breath. “It’s totally not because you shelled out the most dough.”

“So, what’s happening to our investment?” Oliver demanded as he ran his hands through his wiry hair. “I put quite a bit of the cult’s money into Todd’s Treasures.”

“You did what?” Jane and I both gasped at the same time.

“Todd assured me it was a solid investment!” the white-haired cult leader argued. “We were killing demons on the daily at the time, so I figured a business that sold paranormal artifacts would never dry up.”

“Turns out we got a lot better at killing jabronis, bro,” Todd chuckled. “Once Jakey got up to Goku levels of power, there really wasn’t much left of the people we iced. Sooo… I’m boldly leading Todd’s Treasures into a new, much more prosperous venture.”

“Which would be…?” Raph trailed off.

“Knives, Raphey,” Todd declared with a proud smirk.

“Knives.” The Archangel frowned. “As in, weapons, or…”

“No, no.” Todd shook his head. “As in kitchen knives. I got this letter in the mail the other day from this place that sells knives, and they made it sound soooo easy to make a quick buck. So, I called up the company, told ‘em they could use the Todd’s Treasures name to promote their product, and they were all over it.”

“Uh-huh.” Superbia smirked knowingly at the imp’s story. “And I assume they wanted a substantial financial contribution before this partnership could begin.”

“You got it, Strawberry Shortcake.” Todd shot Sia finger guns. “That’s why I’m happy to find this little treasure trove right here, since it’s our ticket to the company’s bright new future.”

“So, it is money,” Oliver noted.

“Even better, Ollie,” Todd promised as he flipped open the fire safe. “Check it out…”

The imp then proceeded to reach down into the box and produce… A turkey stuffed animal with a small red heart tag on its ear.

“What is that?” Oliver asked as his eyes went wide, and the color drained from his face. “Please tell me there is money hidden inside of that children’s toy.”

“These are Beenie Babies, Ollie,” Todd stated as he puffed out his chest. “And not just any Beenie Babies… Right here before you is an entire box of Gobbles the Turkey, which is worth its weight in gold! These little guys go for, like, seven-thousand dollars on Ebay, and I’ve got fifty of ‘em right here.”

“You are aware it’s only the misprint versions that are worth that much, right?” Raphael interjected.

“Say what now?” The imp frowned.

“Gobbles the Turkey was a very common Beenie Baby, Todd,” the Archangel explained. “Everybody had one back then. The only ones with any value are the versions with special misprints on the tags, along with a very particular tailfeather-gobbler combo. I remember it well… It was a double gobbler, and the tail feathers were almost halfway up its back.”

“Uhhhhhhhhhhh…” Todd chuckled. “So if, hypothetically, these turkeys were to all have a single gobbler…”

“Then they would be worthless,” Raphael said. “But what sort of idiot would make that mistake?”

“You know what?” Todd mused as he tossed the stuffed animal back into the box. “I think Todd’s Treasures is more of a lofty idea than it is a brick and mortar business.”

“And our money?” Oliver repeated.

“Well, you’re in luck, Ollie,” the imp explained to Oliver as he walked over and placed his hand on the cult leader’s leg. “Because for just a small donation of a few thousand dollars, you can be a partner in my newest venture.”

“I’m listening….” The elderly man stroked his chin.

“No!” Jane interjected. “The Cult of Ralston isn’t interested. What happened to all of the Hatsuma Niku stuff you were talking about? The stuff you said was priceless?”

“That was under my bed,” Todd sighed. “It all got burnt up in the fire.”

“You kept the priceless, highly valuable collector’s items under your bed, but you put a bunch of beanie babies in the fire safe?” I facepalmed.

“I used the Hatsune Miku stuff more!” Todd protested. “I pulled it out every other night so I could--”

“Nope,” Gula cut off the imp with the wave of her hand. “Please do not go any further with that sentence, Todd. It would not be good for any of us.”

“Can’t you please just kill me already?” Famine begged from afar. “Death would be a million times better than having to sit here and listen to this idiot talk.”

“We’re nowhere near ready to be done with you,” Ira purred. “Lunacio and I have lots of fun activities we want to run through, and we haven’t even gotten warmed up yet.”

As the Sister of Wrath spoke, I saw Isabella approaching from afar, with John Zeitmann right by her side.

“There you are, John!” I called out to the paranormal expert. “I was starting to think something terrible happened to you.”

“It might have,” the middle-aged man admitted. “If you all hadn’t been here to stop it.”

“You weren’t in any danger,” Libidine reassured the man. “Not with Jacob around.”

“I know you’re trying to calm me down,” John chuckled. “But I told you Lucifer’s message. He wanted me dead almost as much as you.”

“I doubt that,” I argued. “You were just the bait to get to me.”

“I knew too much.” John shook his head. “And if you hadn’t been here with me, those four horsemen would have killed me without much effort.”

“You kidding?” I teased the paranormal expert as I nudged him on the shoulder with my fist. “The mighty John Zietmann survived Jacob Ralston not once, not twice, but three times. You could survive anything.”

“Well, I hope he will be well-equipped for prison,” Isabella sighed. “Because that’s where he will most likely end up.”

“What?” John gulped, and his face blanched white. “W-What did I do?”

“You’ve been on the FBI, CIA, and BPI watchlists for several years,” Isabella explained. “And now we find out you’ve been conspiring with Lucifer himself? That does not exactly bode well for you, Mr. Zietmann.”

“Oh, come on, Jane Wick,” Todd protested. “He was our super-secret spy. And it’s not like Johnny here knew Lucy was shoving his hand up his ass and using him as a puppet.”

“So, involuntary manslaughter at the least,” Isabella noted as she reached for her cuffs. “I suppose that’s not as bad as it could be.”

“Isabella,” I grumbled. “The poor guy’s been through enough.”

“That’s for the courts to decide.” The dirty blonde agent shrugged. “Not me.”

“Hold the phone,” Tris suddenly spoke up. “You know John was being impersonated for like, a long period of time, right? By Rolo or whatever his name was.”

“Dolo!” I remembered. “That’s right… We have hard evidence that Dolo was impersonating John Zeitmann for a significant amount of time.”

“Go on…” Isabella raised an eyebrow.

“Well,” I continued. “Who’s to say all the bad shit he did wasn’t just Dolo in disguise? I don’t know how long he was tied to that bed before we found him. For all I know, Dolo could have captured and hogtied the real John Zeitmann the second he was out of the Excalibur.”

“I see where you are going with this,” the BPI Agent sighed. “But do you actually expect me to believe it?”

“There’s nothing not to believe.” I shrugged. “Dolo’s the one you’re after, not John.”

“Then why did he agree to be your double agent?” Isabella questioned. “You sent Dolo back to Hell, correct? So Lucifer would know his man wasn’t still pretending to be John Zeitmann.”

“Doesn’t make any sense to me.” I shook my head. “I guess Lucifer is just a total idiot not to notice.”

Isabella lowered her head and gave me an “are you serious” glare. However, her expression soon softened, and she shook her head as she lowered her cuffs back onto her belt.

“Alright,” she conceded. “Fine. I’ll tell the proper agencies it was all Dolo. Don’t make me regret this.”

“You won’t!” John’s eyes were full of tears as he wrapped his arms around Isabella and pulled her tight against him in a bear hug. “I promise you won’t regret this!”

“I already am,” the BPI Agent grumbled, and John quickly let her go.

“Sorry,” he chuckled awkwardly.

Isabella brushed the wrinkles out of her pantsuit where she’d been hugged, and she tugged on her jacket to make it nice and crisp. The agent then nodded over to the spot where Ira and Lunacio had Famine.

“I thought these two were supposed to be your best?” the dirty blonde mused with a sarcastic smirk. “Why haven’t they gotten him to talk yet?”

“They’re working on it,” I reassured Isabella. “You can’t rush an artist, you know.”

“Speaking of ‘rushing,’” Todd observed as he gestured to the burnt mansion. “Where the fuck was the fire department? This thing was lit up like twenty-thirteen Miley Cyrus for half an hour!”

“Have you looked around lately?” Impulsa pointed to the sky. “I’m sure they’re very busy right now.”

“One thing is for sure,” I sighed. “We can’t stay here. Lucifer’s already shown he’s willing to attack all of our popular hangouts, so we need to go somewhere he doesn’t know.”

“What about the Velvet Lips?” Raphael suggested. “It is a classy establishment, and I kept telling my bitchest I would stop in and say ‘hi’ at some point.”

“Whoawhoawhoa, Raphey,” Todd gasped. “You can’t just go around calling those girls ‘bitches.’”

“Why not?” the Archangel questioned. “That is what Meghan told me to call them, and it’s what all the other club owners said at their annual meeting.”

“Annual meeting?” Superbia placed her hands on her hips and frowned. “I was not aware of such a thing. I was never invited.”

“I don’t imagine you would be,” Raph continued. “I think the organization may have been a tad sexist. There were only men present, after all. Very flamboyantly dressed men.”

“Raph.” Todd grinned devilishly. “You know I cannot die in peace until I know more details.”

“There wasn’t much to it.” The dark-haired Archangel shrugged. “It was a meeting of several like-minded individuals, all of whom owned large, money-making endeavors. We even had a keynote speaker named ‘Big Papi,’ who came out and told us all how to keep our women in line, and how to shake down customers who refused to pay for their services.”

“Oh my god…” I laughed as the realization set it. “Raph, did you go to a meeting of pimps?”

“Pimps?” Raph scoffed. “We are called ‘Souteneurs.’”

“That’s just French for ‘pimp,’” Superbia sighed loudly as she began to tap her foot angirly.

“Impossible…” Raphael trailed off. “Big Papi would never lie to his bros.”

The Archangel’s antics were suddenly cut off by a loud scream of agony from behind us.

I turned around to see Famine had been splayed out in a spread-eagle position, and shackles were wrapped around his wrists and ankles. Ira stood just a few feet away from the horseman, with her flaming whip draped across her shoulder and a smug grin on her face.

“Are you going to talk, you naughty little puppy?” Ira cooed. “Or are we gonna have to beat it out of you?”

“Fuck you,” Famine spat. “Fuck you both to-- Yeooooww!”

Before he could finish his sentence, Ira cracked her flaming whip right against his bare stomach.

“Bad!” Ira proclaimed as she proceeded to whip him repeatedly. “Bad, bad boy!”

Famine’s eyes filled with tears as he tried to hold in his agony, but the burns on his stomach kept multiplying.

“You think this is bad?” the horseman sneered. “This is nothing compared to what Lucifer would do to me for snitching.”

“And that is nothing compared to what I have planned for you,” Lunacio giggled as she ran her fingers across the horseman’s face. “Trust me, dear… This Demon Lord here is practically vanilla compared to me.”

“Do your worst then, bitch,” Famine growled.

“Such foul language.” Raph clicked his tongue, and he was completely unaware of the irony.

Lunacio grinned intently as she leaned in close to her prey and looked him straight in the eyes.

“I was hoping you’d say that,” she practically moaned.

Lunacio stood from her position, called forth her war scythe with a flash of green Hellfire, and then pressed the edge of the blade against Famine’s shoulder. It was the perfect curve for the horseman’s shoulder, and I just pictured what the succubus had in mind.

“You’re going to cut off my limbs?” Famine scoffed. “I’ve seen more creative torture from Dolo.”

“We’ll see.” Lunacio winked.

The brunette succubus pressed her blade into Famine’s shoulder firmly, and he grimaced as the weapon cut into his flesh. Lunacio then proceeded to whistle happily as she dragged the weapon downward, and she carved the fucker’s skin off his arm like she was peeling an orange.

Blood gushed from the freshly-revealed muscle as Famine bit his tongue and tried not to give us the satisfaction, but that didn’t last long.

Lunacio carved two more massive strips off his arm before she stood up and admired her work. Then, without warning, the succubus lifted up her stiletto and slammed it into Famine’s wound.

“Gaaaaaaaah!” he screamed in pure agony. “You fucking bitch!”

“You can do better than that,” Lunacio teased. “That’s literally the tamest thing I’ve ever been called. Try harder.”

The succubus drove her heel into Famine’s muscle once more, and this time he let fly a hard “c-word.”

“Such a potty mouth,” Ira mused.

“Nooooowwww we’re getting somewhere,” Lunacio giggled.

“You know this can all end, right?” I reminded the horseman. “All you have to do is answer our questions, and this all ends.”

“I’m not snitching on my boss,” Famine growled, but now his eyes were glassy with pain. “If you wanna know where he is and what he’s up to, you can ask him yourself. Too bad you won’t get the chance, because he’ll carve you up like a fucking pig before--”

Ira stepped forward, summoned teal Hellfire into her hands, and then held it out over Famine’s open wound. The acidic spell dripped down onto Famine’s muscle and sizzled as it burned it down to his fucking bone.

The horseman slammed his head back into the ground and screamed, but he quickly shook himself out of it and glared up at us weakly.

“Come on.” I rolled my eyes. “You already did the whole ‘talk tough, don’t snitch’ thing. The fight is over. Your friends are dead, and your boss is soon to follow. Why are you so loyal to that bastard, anyway?”

“Because he actually stands for something,” Famine snarled. “Unlike you, who just wants to fuck around with all your bitchy women and do whatever the fuck you please.”

“Damn straight,” I agreed. “But one thing… Don’t ever call my women ‘bitches.’ Got it?”

I placed my boot up against Famine’s wound and pressed down, hard.

“Piss off,” he laughed through gritted teeth. “All of you… Piss the fuck off.”

“I guess he needs more persuasion,” I sighed and then motioned to the two torture masters.

Lunacio stepped forward and held out her sharp fingernails for Famine to see. Then the succubus bent down, dug her nails into his exposed muscle, and began to slowly pull them in opposite directions.

“Fuck!” the horseman screamed. “F-Fuck you!”

“Come on, then!” I slammed my foot into the ground. “Just tell us what we want to know.”

“A-Alright!” Famine finally conceded. “Just get this bitch off me.”

“Damn.” Lunacio frowned, stood up from her position, and sighed. “I didn’t even get to my favorite part.”

“Lucifer is still down in Hell,” the horseman panted. “He doesn’t plan to leave any time soon.”

“That makes no sense,” Cupi interjected. “Why would he start up the end of the world if he was just going to stay in the Ninth Circle the whole time?”

“Because,” Famine sighed, and his eyes darted around to make sure nobody else was listening. “He doesn’t actually want the end of the world.”

“Uhhhhh, what?” I demanded. “He’s literally spent years setting this up behind the scenes, with the way he manipulated John Zeitmann and all the Nephilim and the antichrist stuff.”

“I thought you were supposed to be smart.” Famine clicked his tongue and laughed. “Don’t you know what happens during the end times?”

“Lucifer takes over Earth,” I confirmed.

“Only for a little while,” the horseman continued. “After that, he’s driven back into Hell, where he’s banished for eternity. Now, why the fuck would he want that?”

“Because he’s an agent of chaos?” Sia suggested. “According to Isabella, the end of the world isn’t supposed to happen for quite some time. This throws a wrench into all of those plans, which is what Lucifer excels at.”

“He has a point, Sia…” Isabella admitted as she rubbed her chin and frowned. “Lucifer gets the short end of the stick when it comes to Revelations.”

“Then what the fuck does he want?” I grumbled. “This sounds like a whole lot of lies to me.”

“I promise you, it’s not!” Famine cringed in anticipation. “Lucifer wants his two greatest enemies to all be in one place… Here on Earth Realm. Faking the end of the world is the best way to do that.”

“You call all this fake?” Isabella questioned. “The trumpets… The sky… The fact the four of you showed up?”

“Lucifer started the apocalypse,” Famine explained. “But he does not intend to finish it.”

“Now I know you’re bullshitting,” Mirage scoffed.

“Indeed.” Raphael nodded. “Once put into motion, the Revelations cannot be reversed.”

“Sure they can,” Famine continued. “By the Ruler of All Creation.”

“What the fuck is that?” I demanded.

“It was the title the Exalted One held before Lucifer’s fall,” Raphael explained. “It’s reserved for the deity that rules over Heaven, Hell, and Earth Realm all at once.”

“So, what?” I scoffed. “Lucifer’s trying to get us all onto Earth Realm so he can face us head-on? His forces are dwindling by the minute.”

“No, Nephilim…” Famine smiled slyly. “He wants you all here so he can conquer your domains. Do you really think the Shade will be enough to defeat Lucifer and the Seven Sons of Satan all on their own?”

My heart sank, but a little voice in the back of my head told me my allies would hold down the fort.

“And Heaven?” Raphael prompted. “Lucifer cannot be so bold as to think he can eliminate the Exalted One himself, can he?”

“That’s for him to know, and you to find out,” Famine said.

“We’re gonna find out,” Ira giggled. “Let’s see what else we have in store for--”

Suddenly, Famine’s skeleton hands popped clean off his wrists, which allowed him to escape his shackles. The horsman sat straight up, lunged at Ira, and--

There was an eardrum-shattering bang as Famine’s skull was blown open from the side. Bits of skull and brain splattered across the landscape of the mansion as the fucker’s tongue flopped out of his mouth, and his body collapsed into a heap on the ground.

Meanwhile, smoke poured from the barrel of Rapahel’s giant-ass revolver.

“Are you alright?” the Archangel asked Ira as he holstered his weapon.

“I’m fine,” Ira confirmed. “It’s nothing I haven’t had before.”

“Raphey boy, you sly dog.” Todd whistled. “You just woke up this morning and decided to be a total badass, didn’t ya?”

“I just didn’t want him to harm Ira,” Raph explained. “Though I will admit, that was quite satisfying.”

“He still didn’t give us all the information we needed,” I sighed. “If anything, I have more questions now.”

Just then, from way off in the distance, we heard the sounds of approaching sirens.

“We can ponder this on the way to our next location,” Isabella announced as she pointed in the direction of the noise. “Do I need to call headquarters and have them find us a safehouse? Or do you have a particular place in mind?”

“I do.” I nodded. “It’s pretty run-down, but it’s a place where nobody will expect us to be.”

“Bro…” Todd pondered aloud. “Are you taking us all to Cabo?”

“No, Todd.” I rolled my eyes. “The abandoned train station at the edge of town.”

“Close enough,” the imp cackled.

“Can you teleport us to the location?” Isabella asked.

“I’ve never actually been inside before.” I shook my head. “We’re gonna have to drive.”

Thankfully, the garage hadn’t been affected by the horsemen’s firebombing, so all three of our cars were still alive and well. I quickly yanked open the garage door, ran inside, and grabbed the keys that hung near the entryway.

“Who wants Lola?” I asked the group. “And who wants Stella?”

“You know nobody gets to touch my baby but me, Jakey,” Todd argued.

“You really gotta work on your phrasing, bro,” I chuckled as I handed the imp the keys.

Todd’s body bubbled for a second before his arms and legs grew lanky and long, and his horns receded into his head. Soon, we were all staring at the original Todd, complete with the Jamacian flag beanie over his long, greasy, unkempt hair and his scruffy goatee.

It’d been years since we’d embarked on this demonic journey together, and now it was to the point where I actually thought it was weirder seeing Todd in his human form.

“Everybody who wants to be a goddamn sex god, follow me!” Todd declared as he tossed open Lola’s doors and hopped inside.

“Don’t mind if I do!” Oliver noted, and then he slipped into the yellow Volvo.

Raphael, Tris, John Zeitmann, and Gula completed the passenger list of Lola.

“Can I trust you with Stella?” I asked Isabella as I nodded to our bright red Maserati GT. “I think you’re the only other one here besides Jane that knows how to drive.”

“I’ve driven the Presidential Limo before,” Isabella scoffed as she snatched the keys and gave me a wink. “I think I can handle a Maserati.”

The BPI Agent strutted over to the sports car, turned around, and whistled.

As she did so Ira, Eclipse, Deja, Inpulsa, and Mirage all dashed over to get into the vehicle. The backseat of Stella was packed tightly by the bodies of the four Demon Lords, but they somehow managed to fit.

I guess it was a good thing they were all so close, because they were about to get to know each other really well in the next ten minutes or so.

That just left Cupi, Sia, Liby, Lunacio, Jane, and Invidia to ride with me in Shadow.

“Aren’t you coming, Aruna?” Libidine asked as she hoisted herself into Shadow’s back seat.

“Oh, Libidine…” the Rakshasi assassin chuckled. “So naive and innocent. You should know by now that I fly everywhere I go.”

Aruna surrounded herself with the glow of ectoplasm and rapidly morphed her slender body into the form of a crow. The shapeshifter then took flight, and she hovered in the sky as she awaited our next move.

It was a tight fit, but everybody was able to squeeze into Shadow. I shoved the key into the ignition, twisted, and then caught a wave of nostalgia as our Jeep Wrangler’s engine roared to life.

Unfortunately, I didn’t really have time to soak in the past. The sirens were growing closer by the second, so we needed to book it the fuck out of here.

I kicked the vehicle into reverse, turned around in our driveway, and then headed out onto the road. My friends followed me in Stella and Lola, and I could only imagine the crazy, off-the-wall conversations that must have been going on inside the vehicles.

We ventured down the streets of Phoenix, and I was surprised to see things looked relatively normal. Sure, there were a ton more emergency vehicles out than usual, but otherwise I saw people walking down the sidewalks, talking selfies at the local statues, and sitting behind the windows of restaurants.

Fucking hell. Even in the middle of the apocalypse, people were still caught up in their regular routine.

We got further and further outside of town until we finally arrived at the old train station, and as we pulled into the parking spot, I saw just how run-down it really was.

Several of the windows had been broken out, and glass littered the parking lot all around the perimeter. Entire panels of the metal sidewalk had been removed, probably by some local who figured the material was worth something to a junkyard. The building itself was pretty standard, just a giant rectangle with a large, green-house like dome overhead. Thankfully, the windows of the dome were on the front and back edges, and the ceiling was solid steel.

It was the perfect place to hide, since none of Lucifer’s minions could see down inside if they were flying up above.

I pulled Shadow up to one of the loading docks, summoned green Hellfire into my hands, and then slowly raised the garage door into the open position. We pulled all three of the cars into the building before I killed the engine, stepped out, and closed the door behind us.

“Yikes, Jakey.” Todd whistled as he transformed back into his imp shape. “I figured this wouldn’t be the Hilton or anything, but sheesh…”

I definitely could see what the imp was saying. All around us were chunks of broken concrete, steel beams that had fallen to the ground, and decrepit benches. The building was massive, with the train tracks themselves on the far right side, right next to a large open platform with benches all along the way. There were a few old ticket booths scattered throughout the space, but they were so broken down they were pretty much unrecognizable.

“It could be much worse,” Impulsa admitted. “We could be in the Ninth Circle of Hell.”

“That’s the spirit!” I laughed. “It’s not like we’re gonna stay here long. We just need to figure out what our next move is, and we couldn’t really do that if we stuck around there and had to explain to the police why there were four dead bodies in the yard.”

“I think the solution is simple,” Mirage noted. “We need to go back to Hell and defend your Circle.”

“I love you, Sister,” Cupi interjected. “But I completely disagree. Jacob needs to complete his trials, or else we will never defeat Lucifer.”

“I think I’m with Cupi on this one,” I admitted. “If my dear Dad really did start the apocalypse with the intention of drawing me up to Earth Realm… Then it worked. But, on the flip side, we can’t go back to Hell. If we do that, the apocalypse will play out, and life as we know it will come to an end.”

“Won’t that happen anyway?” Eclipse questioned as she placed her hands on her hips. “Unless Lucifer becomes the Ruler of All Creation, the apocalypse will continue as planned. I say let it play out, especially since it ends with Lucifer’s defeat at the hands of Mr. Goody Two-Shoes.”

“Too many lives will be lost,” Raphael protested. “The war between Lucifer’s forces and the ‘left behind’ humans will take a heavy toll. If we can stop Lucifer once and for all, then the Exalted One can reclaim the title of Ruler of All Creation. Once that happens, he can reverse all the damage that has been done.”

Fucking Hell. Lucifer really did play his full hand on this one.

Now, with the end of the world set into motion, there was no turning back.

Either Lucifer had to die, or the Exalted One and I had to die.

Any other option would completely throw off the balance of the universe and cause the pointless pain and suffering of millions of innocent people.

As much as I’d love to just sit back and watch Lucifer get his ass kicked by a dude in a bathrobe, I couldn’t.

I had to step up to the plate and become the leader my friends thought I was.

I had to kill Lucifer.

“It’s settled, then,” I finally announced once I’d mulled it over. “We push forward and hope our forces down in Hell can hold the line until my trials are finished.”

“But, Jacob…” Gula protested. “We don’t even know what your trials are. It could take us weeks or even months to figure out what needs to be done for you to pass judgement on Earth Realm.”

“Well.” I shrugged. “Then we’d better get a move on it.”

“Affffter a short hour break, right?” Tris asked, her voice full of hope.

I looked around at all of my friends and, for the first time since this had all started, I noticed just how tired they all looked. Everybody was beaten, bruised, and had bags under their eyes, and as much as I wanted to rush out there and complete the rest of my trials, I couldn’t do that to them.

They’d just been through the ringer, and they needed a minute to relax.

“Okay, fine,” I conceded. “We’ll take a little break, and then we’ll get started in a few hours.”

“A few hours?” Tris gasped and placed her hand against her mouth. “Todd, did you hear that?”

“It sounds like we have the perfect opportunity to test out our new strain!” the imp cackled as he pulled out a little baggie of “herbs.” “Hulk’s Pubes, here we come.”

“Hulk’s Pubes?” I gagged. “Nobody’s gonna want to smoke something called ‘Hulk’s Pubes,’ bro.”

“I’ll let the product speak for itself, thank you very much,” Todd huffed. “Oh, shit, Slothy! We can totally hot box one of the ticket booths!”

Tris and Todd both giggled as they sauntered off to the old ticket selling area, and the rest of us just rolled our eyes.

“Get some rest, everyone,” I announced. “Those fucking horsemen were just the beginning.”

One by one, my friends began to scatter out and take their seats around various parts of the train station. Some of them laid down on top of fallen beams, while others chilled out on benches or leaned against chunks of crumbled concrete.

As for me, I headed toward the tracks.

“Wait up, King Raslton!” Lunacio’s voice called out as I walked away.

“What’s up, Lunacio?” I asked the short-haired brunette. “Did you need to talk to me about something?”

“I did…” Lunacio nodded with a devilish smile. “I want you to make me a Demon Lord. Right now. Here, in this very station.”

My pants tightened as the thought of our intertwined bodies flitted through my mind.

“Follow me,” I said with a smirk. “I think we need to discuss this in a place that’s more… Private.”

“Awww.” Lunacio winked. “I wanted everybody to watch.”

As the two of us headed down to the tracks, I thought about Lunacio’s “stranger” tendencies, and as much as I thought she was beautiful and wanted to make love to her, I couldn’t help but wonder what I’d gotten myself into.

I guess I was about to find out if pain and pleasure truly could go hand in hand.