YKS The Mag #34 (Patreon)

Ohhh here it comes, it’s time to talk about the Cinnamon Toast Crunch thing. Here we go folks, this is gonna be a good one. Sure you’ve heard about it for 48 hours, which statistically speaking is about .007% of your time on this earth, but the things I’m about to say are going to make the whole saga worthwhile and there’s no doubt in my mind that by the end of it all, you’ll be begging for more. Oh and by the way, don’t freakin’ CANCEL me for what I’m about to say on this topic, mmkay? Because you’ve been warned. Here goes...

Just joking! Let’s do some other crap.

YouGoPoly - $539 of $11975

8 backers 28 days to go

YOUGOPOLY, the perfect business game to play with family and friends around the table!

By playing this game, it is now within your reach to live the American dream while having fun! And who knows, you could raise the challenge to become the next Yougopoly President!

Since the foundation of ReadyGoPlanet, our mission is to bring back family and friends together around the table in a world submerged by technology. By creating Yougopoly, we want to awake the entrepreneurial spirit that remains in us.

Be part of the revolution! Thank you to back our kickstarter ;)

The more I look at this game, the less I think it has in common with Monopoly. There are dice, but they have pictures (a jet, a video game controller, a star) on them rather than numbers. There’s money, but the goal is to accumulate some amount of it rather than to not run out of it. There is a board, but it sucks.

Obviously the guy wanted to make a game about money, and knew there was a really famous one already. Instead of concluding that he could either not make his game about money, or make a game about something else, he chose to rip off the existing money game and make it about money still. It’s a strange move, akin to making a surgery game called Biopsy, pronouncing it like “whoopsie”, and making the guy honk when you hit the sides. Which is great, actually, and I invented it.

The Best Affordable Smar3t 3D Scanning System for Human Scan - $14878 of $1287

53 backers 37 days to go

As a 3D printing or modeling hobbyist, you may owe yourself an affordable 3D scanner.

Infrared 3D scanners have been used in video games for quite some time. Whereas in video games the scanners are, for example, only able to identify if a player throws his arms up in the air, the new 3D scanner of Panoscan is able to be much more precise and speedy.

It’s simply not possible to do a riff on the absurdity of consumer-grade 3D printers that would outshine the video on this Kickstarter, in which the company trying to sell a (possibly ripped off) $300 full body scanner shows a guy meticulously recreating a 12” cartoon dog out of neon green plastic. Sometimes on the stuff coming straight from China, it’s good to be a little kinder on the strange descriptions. So when they say you can 3D print “your lover”, I chalk that up to the language barrier and go on about my day. But the guy has the dog right there, and he’s, like, petting it. I know what I seent!

Jesterpus: A Musical Comedy / Horror - $1 of $50k

1 backers 54 days to go

• Jesterpus is a feature length musical film, featuring a supernatural Court Jester and his battle against Merlin for planet Earth.

Dan Bringhurst is a writer, musician and director, best known for the short films "The Nautilus" and "Whiskers & The Terrible Hole", both of which enjoyed a residency on Lloyd Kaufman's streaming service watch.troma.now. His producer and cinematographer is Sheldon Demke, and Cragun Clayburn is the wizard behind much of our practical effects.

Nope. Not for me. Best of luck to yas.

Buggy Bar - $36 of $10k

2 backers 57 days to go

The co-founders of Buggy Bar wanted to create a product that was personal to shoppers of all ages. A product that’s fun, reasonably priced, and most importantly, helpful. A product people could use with 100 percent certainty that it’s safe and no one else has touched it, especially during these challenging times.

I love going to the store, gang. But seeing this made me realize I don’t spend very much time thinking about how to improve my store-going experience. When something moves, I just think “Ok well it’s over here now.” If I can’t find something I’m looking for, I just think I missed it, or maybe it’s gone. Hm, this seems too expensive. Oh well! I won’t/will still get it! That’s what you do there, it’s not a two-way deal. I would never fill out a special request form, ask to speak to a manager, or put something in the suggestion box. The store is there, you go to it or not. That’s it!

Buggies do suck, and they’re probably nasty as all hell. You get the one with the bad wheel or someone left a flyer in the bottom of it and it got rained on and the paper sticks to your onions, or there’s a deadly respiratory disease on the handle -- take your lumps, man. That’s the lotto. You gotta play to win, baby.

MeasureMattic - $1308 of $30k

26 backers 26 days to go

Everything was fine, until it wasn't. Right?

Let's rewind to pre-pandemic times. The CDC estimates we have 48,000,000 cases of foodborne illnesses every single year in the USA alone. That's over 1/7 of our population. Gross, right?

Of those, about 128,000 are hospitalized and we don't want to get dark, but yes, some of those people don't make it. As in, they die. Dead. Kaput.

People still measure their spices by hand - well not literally their hands, but they do reach their sweaty arms to put that tiny spoon into a jar, then pour that onto your food.

Are you kidding me? And now with Covid? No thanks.

Ok, so first of all, if you’re going to emulate the early industrial vocabulary to make your shitty little piece of plastic sound like a cool robot that squishes up Bugs Bunny (but he’s ok don’t worry), it’s spelled with one t, not two. It should be called the Measure-O-Matic, and it should be extremely dangerous to children.

Much less significantly, using pandemic deaths as a marketing bulletin for buying a spice dispenser is psychopathic behavior. Nobody who died of Covid would have been saved by your little squeezable cumin bottle. The people who got sick because they ate raw chicken did not have a reaction to slightly-too-little mustard powder. You freak.

Finally, you need to show me an up close image of the fuckin product if you want me to buy it make fun of it! How stupid are you!!! I bet you’re the guy who shoved his arm in his ass all those years ago and this is your penance!

Oh, the Racists You'll Know! - $1003 of $6200

8 backers 26 days to go

Conservatives are crying out that liberals 'have come' for Dr. Seuss and it's time to lean into the myth.

Oh, the $#!*heads You'll Know is a story about a town divided by the 'Red's' and the 'Blues' that uses the classic rhyming structure to address issues such as racism, income inequality and political indoctrination in an easily digestible format. Made for adults but fairly PG, consisting of heavy themes but vocabulary allowable on network TV, it is a great opportunity to start important conversations about equality, bias and perceptions.

We aim to land in the same general tone of A Day in the Life of Marlon Bundo that was presented by John Oliver on Last Week Tonight. The artwork posted is a part of the story-board and final product will be a more polished Seuss inspired take.

You gotta admit: seeing “21 days to go” on this project referencing a bit of cultural ephemera that is already several days past its expiration makes you feel a lot better about the stupid bullshit you have to do this week. Yes, writing your landlord an follow up email about the hallway light or taking your dumbass dog to the vet because he won’t stop biting his own dick is going to suck, but at least there’s no scenario in which you will have to write a rhyming storybook about income inequality in a town of cat people. Wow, what if Chuck Wendig wrote on The Daily Show! I really want to read that!

There once was a town called Flabba-da-Wunney,
And the cat people there did not have much money,

Bumpity jumpity mumpity credit card,

Fuck you! I don’t want to do this! Anyway she had to change the name of her stupid book.

Hi Backers!

Thank you so much for your continued support. I've been backed into a corner by social media platforms Facebook and Twitter, who will not allow me to promote my Kickstarter under the Oh, the Racists You'll Know title. As lame as it is, I feel it's more important to give this project a chance to live - which means sometimes you've just got to play the game. Please continue to share this kickstarter, we are already 16% funded!

Now it’ll really sell!

Well folks, I believe that is all the stupid garbage I care to think about at this time. Thanks for readin’ and we’ll see ya another time.