YKS The Mag Issue #13 (Patreon)

Oh! It’s the YKS Newsletter! Oh yeah! It’s your birthday! Yeah! 

Wow, that was so much fun. And I think now more than ever we need fun little things like that just to get through the day. Sometimes it’s a simple crisp beverage enjoyed on a patio, other times our favorite episode of The Office (U.S.) is airing on TBS Very Funny, or maybe if we’re really feeling it, we can do a crazy dance! Oh yeah! Come on! Yes!!!

I’m joking around, obviously. For one thing, The Office isn’t even on TBS anymore, its exclusive rights having been acquired by The Blackstone Group in a 2018 cash-and-stock deal cementing the enduringly popular office comedy as a tentpole on the investment firm’s upcoming streaming service, CaPiTaL. But also, I don’t know how to do any of the happiness invocations like that. Not that I wouldn’t try! I’m just like a lizard trying to solve my little problems. I go up on the rock when I’m cold, not because I want to center myself or be more present in the moment. If I wasn’t cold I’d never go on the rock again. I hate the rock! 

So I’m more than a bit envious of the people who know exactly where their dopamine buttons are and how to push them. Like, for instance, the Product Buyers. 

Funny post, right? Let’s get that guy on the show! 

Imagine how good it would be to see something on the news, and immediately know what products you need to purchase that week to reinforce your beliefs and save the world. Ahhh fuck...Old El Paso taco shells fired a guy for bringing a gun to work and saying he was going to “take these shells to hell”. Since I like guns, I have to buy the Taco Bell brand of taco shells as a signal to Old El Paso that the gun-toting madman should have been allowed back at work and maybe promoted as well. First, of course, I will be posting about it at great length. I'll just be throwing the shells away, though. Can't eat 'em. I’m allergic to corn.

Or maybe you don’t like workplace massacres for whatever reason. Well, once you see the news about Old El Paso’s HR department having a spine, you know what you have to do. You grab your pocketbook and head to the store to grab box upon box of Old El Paso taco shells, from classic corn to spicy poblano to soft & goopy. You get ‘em all. No manufacturer’s coupon necessary. We’re sending a message to the Old El Paso corporation to keep firing would-be marauders and producing average quality taco shells for the semi-homemade consumer. 

And the big result of this culture war is that Old El Paso sells an amount of taco shells that is 2% different in one direction or the other for one month before people are back to running over their popcorn machines or lighting their soap dispensers on fire or whatever. Nothing changes, not even the packaging design of the taco shells, much less company policy or the material condition of the world. That’s because nobody did any activism or political speech. They participated in the market. That’s what you’re supposed to do! When it comes to mass market goods, the idea that you can vote with your dollar is even more farcical than the lie that you can vote in a national election with your normal vote. What you can do, is go participate in the market, or go without. Up to you (sometimes). 

So here are your taco shell choices. It is the same fried gloop from the same factory in a slightly different box. Whether you buy one or not, they will still be here on the shelf next time, and the time after that. Use whatever rationale you want to justify buying one over the other. You might even like one of the shell types better, who knows. Maybe in a few years the store gets a new brand of taco shell that’s a little better, or far worse. For now, maybe stop eating boxed taco shells though. That shit sucks. 

Alright, Kickstarter time. 

Pizza Pocket Hoodie

Here’s the old one they made a few thousand bucks on last year, which is pretty good for a joke. And hey, actually, the pizza design is cute. Now, you are able to buy it on their website for $15 less than you would have paid on Kickstarter, which is sort of a broken promise really. But who cares? You’ve had your Pizza Pocket Hoodie for a few months and now none of your friends can buy it for fear of looking like a bit-biting asshole. Anyway, what’s $15 to you, the guy with the novelty food clothing budget? 

One thing I’m not sure I understand is how pizza became a meme food. I can remember as a kid that bananas and cheese were kind of funny. Today, if you had a punchline about bananas, would it even get a chuckle? I doubt it! It’s too fuckin’ serious! Banana forgot where it came from. Cheese still kills, obviously. And maybe that’s why pizza is so funny to these guys. I mean, look at this shit, it’s basically all cheese! Ha ha ha ha. Now that is some good shit.

TRYING TO REMOVE MY ACCOUNT

I almost didn’t want to put this one on the show because it’s clearly just an older person smooshing on their keyboard and having a freakout. But if you think about it, that’s pretty much the whole world now, so fuck it. 

​DO NOT INTERACT WITH THIS PROJECT. ITS ACCOUNT USER IS ON PAUSE. DO NOT INTERACT.

DO NOT INTERACT WITH THIS PROJECT. Account user is trying to delete account information and project.

DO NOT INTERACT WITH THIS PROJECT. Account user is trying to delete account information and project.

I’m fuckin’ interacting with this shit, Brenna! You can’t stop my ass! I’m looking at the picture of your cat and trying to click on it. I’m dragging it into MS Paint and stretching the cat’s whiskers around and writing PropertyOfCoolDude on them. Fuck you!!

This Game Gets You Drunk (and Smashed)

It’s pretty silly to think that other countries don’t have the same shitty, stupid culture that we do. Especially since our exportation of it is the only reason we’re still here. If we didn’t pump Transformers Drinking Coors Light IV: The Long Goodbye into everybody’s brain from the time they were born, maybe somebody woulda got a wild hair and stuffed us in the global dunk tank by now. 

But it’s still kind of surprising to see that the default human expectation for a night drinking is that there will be a card flipped over at some point. I thought Australian drinking meant getting the way too big can of piss and smashing it on the table. No, they also have to do “anime and queef jokes” between shots of Southern Comfort. That’s fine. We got a new Transformers movie coming out soon, dickheads. 

Top Shelf

Limited censorship is a term we created to help describe what our app is going to run. Since Top Shelf is for 18+, you will be able to post more content that you wouldn't be able to post elsewhere. Now, to avoid our app becoming something we don't want, there's still going to be some rules to what is and isn't allowed. For example, swearing and other freedom of speech will be allowed. Cannabis will not only be allowed by encouraged. What everyone hates about censorship is gone. What everyone agrees should be censored we will keep. Simple enough, right?

What is the best part of this app? Is it how good weed culture is in general? Is it the virtual Smoke Sesh? Is it that the app is being developed by a group called Appsketiers?

For me, it’s not using the right pipe kind. That gives me confidence that Top Shelf gets me, and my various interests (trying and failing to figure out how to smoke weed). 

Don’t Buy Twice

This guy does not understand the world he lives in at all, and he is just grasping at whatever to try and figure it out. It kind of rocks. 

This is where a independent platform comes in, makes each product review go through a much harder procedure proving they have bought the product, video evidence they have used the product in question, a two part review is needed at different lengths of time as receiving a item at 0800 and leaving a 5 star review at 0810 is not really giving the buyer much time to try/test the product in question.

A incentive could be given to leave a second review 3 months down the line to give a update on the product with more evidence backing the review up.

You gotta love providing incentives for people to review their products 3 months down the line. 

People are basically spending time reading through reviews to get a false outlook on the product in most cases.

Hm. This shit is all fake, it’s useless, it costs people money, and it’s a huge waste of time for everyone involved. Time for me to get involved in it, by using my time and money.

Bubble Cheek

WHAT IS THE BUBBLE CHEEK™ AND WHY WE WANT YOU TO HAVE IT: 

The BUBBLECHEEK™ allows YOU to reintroduce YOUR voice as a part of all life practices, from breathing to top-tier performance in Music, Athletics, Tactical, Dance, AND MORE! You will resonate from the inside out loud, with or without sound from Earth to Outer Space. The BUBBLECHEEK™ unlocks YOUR ‘inner superhero’, a happy warrior, allowing YOU to discover how to ACTIVATE YOUR BRAVE and use YOUR skills to meet unique challenges, have FUN while doing so, and keep evolving by leveling up!!

I could read about this project for the rest of the year and never come to a conclusion as to what it means. And maybe I will! Got nothin else goin on. 

ENOUGH of Trump

Feels kind of bad to bust on a project which, at least in theory, could be getting a bunch of leftist artists paid, some cool art made, and a bunch of goobers pissed off. That’s essentially as good a goal as you can have as just a normal person walking around looking at all this shit. 

But the execution leaves me lacking. If you’re gonna do this type of thing, you can’t make these mistakes: making Trump the brand, and not offering anything to these swing voters you love so damn much. If those people really exist, don’t you think they can see what’s going on? Do you think that doing a little red X on a Trump face is going to work for them? They just see Trump! You’re giving him free press! Which is how he got so popular and rich his entire life. Fuckin’ stupid. 

Of course, for artist co-ops or political action whatevers to slap a voter-attracting message on their billboards and t-shirts, they’d actually have to be able to read one from the so-called opposition party. And let’s see what the official Democrat message is….hmm...says here it’s “We’re not Trump.” Ok. Well, that’s fine. I’m going to wait on the new taco shell.