YKS The Mag Issue #9 (Patreon)

Hello, how are you doing today? Wow, sorry, incredibly bad way to start a newsletter. Or anything, really. No need to ask questions of any sort during a monologue, least of all about your general disposition. Even if you could answer me, what am I supposed to do with that? You’re doing really bad? Well I am sorry to hear it. Hang in there. I’m not really qualified to go beyond that, I don’t think. Honestly maybe even saying to hang in there exceeds my relevant experience and authority. 

On the other hand, maybe you’re doing very well. Well la dee da! Isn’t that so stinking nice!? I guess you hung in there. I knew I was right to keep telling people that.

Basically, let’s dispense with the small talk. I am all business now. I am going into business mode. I am now performing a somewhat complicated hand gesture that instantly summons a business suit in its various constituent parts to my body. They make a sound like two martini glasses clinking together as they automatically attach and sync up. After the process completes, I am 10% faster at responding to emails and up to 50x more likely to “need a cup of mud”. Maybe the suit lives in a briefcase? Actually, I just remembered Tony Stark has a magic briefcase in Iron Man 2. On top of that, it was actually cool and he used it to fight a Mickey Rourke whip guy. So not only was I beaten to the punch, my idea was much dumber and less interesting as well. Sort of like the podcast! It’s ok I can say it. 

I did have this guy come to the door the other day and try to advertise bug killing to me. And I think if I were truly in business mode I would have opened the door and listened politely to his pitch while nodding, and when there was a long enough pause I could indicate that I would like to speak and then explain that I do not need any bug killing services at this time but I will keep them in mind. But at that time I was in dad mode, which meant balancing the importance of acting normally with the pressure of all of the little critters in my house screeching at me and smooshing bananas into their hair. So I ignored the doorbell and let the dogs holler at him for slipping his little pamphlet into the door frame, then came back and removed the pamphlet when the coast was clear. But guess what? As I cracked open the door several minutes later, the crafty motherfucker was crisscrossing through my yard again! Fuck!!!

“Hey boss, I was just…” No. Do not do this to me. I know you are doing your job but please leave me and my bugs alone. You have caught me with my pants down. I was not prepared for a business interaction. I didn’t have my “awake voice” on. And you called me boss. Our time together is through. I actually do have a shitload of bugs around here too, but I will just hang out with them instead of playing this little doorbell game with you. If you wanted $80 you should have just sent me an email! And that’s on paying the bug guy! 

Alright. Let’s do some Kickstarters.

(They blurred out the turd, not me. I would happily show you a turd) 

Inubox Dog Toilet

On this week’s episode we played catch-up on this fuckin thing, which made about $40,000 and seems to have ceased to exist virtually at the exact time the money hit their bank account. As a self-employed suburban Doggy Daddy (sorry), it is difficult for me to imagine what city animals do when their humans are away in The Big Office thinking about Work, but I imagine it’s some combination of feeling like they really have to shit and shitting wherever they want. Neither one of those is all that good, I reckon, but is the solution to this problem an animatronic fireplace that chews and gobbles up the poops?? Maybe? I don’t know. I would kind of like to see Elon Musk tackle the issue and then have the social media team for Bemis annihilate his dumb ass. 

Bag of Penis

Next, let’s dive into the truly inscrutable. A few years or even months ago I might have really laid into board game people on this one. Hey, it’s weird to have a garishly lit and intricately stocked cabinet in your living room for displaying your elaborate elf landlord and tabletop puzzle war games. Nobody wants to see the limited collector’s edition Rising Age: Dawn of Swords when they walk into your place. Can you, like, put a picture of your dog there or something? Stop bringing Mantle Quest: The Librarian’s Doom out to bar trivia, dude...we can’t bring bags into the brewery and the rulebook app crashed my iPad. But after a few months of being indoors (with other people who are not used to just being indoors, I mean), I’m a little more amenable to this whole shit. We’ve played Yahtzee and Battleship and Trivial Pursuit. I’m getting in the mix a little bit. But this comment on the Bag of Penis campaign page from Lisa G is coming from a place I can’t imagine: 

I have an obsession with the word penis. As soon as I saw this game I knew I NEEDED it, not want, NEED. My husband agreed that I couldn't not get this game.

I am in love with everything about this game and am very happy that you are considering (and hopefully will) including a diversity of the penises shown (fun fact: the plural of penis is actually pronounced pee-knees!).

Can't wait to play!

?????

The Pump Action

Hope these guys are having a lot of fun. 

2021 Humor Therapy Calendar

I actually liked this guy and thought the bit was funny. I think DB did too. (I sure did, golly gee! Tanks for memberin, JF! You sure are a fine feller! Yessiree Bob!” - DB) 

But enjoying this guy’s suspender-poppin’ down-home schtick requires glossing over the business goals here, which seem to be getting $10,000 in exchange for no rewards, hooking up with an old friend in the printing game, and knocking on hospital doors from coast to coast to hawk joke books as medical aids.

Or maybe a guy with a passion for laughter and a keen eye for product design is looking for a way to spend his retirement years making people smile when they need it most! Who knows! Maybe everything in the world is actually good. Lol. 

Fuzzy The Virus

Lot of people emailed in to drag us for not understanding why the cute little Coronavirus guy is wearing a crown in this story, and to them I say: Woopie Doo! You watched the news. Big deal. I was helping charity at the time, so I guess I was a little busy. 

Ok, so we barely missed some subtle clues. But look at the concept art here and tell me everything looks right to you. Is there some linguistic reason for the virus to be wearing a superhero’s cape? He looks like he’s telling the whole world to eat his ass. He just beat the fuck out of the world. He’s wearing Jordans. 

The Most Magical Kunst On Earth

There probably are a lot of wanting-to-be Banksy guys running around, huh? I saw the other day where he did a paint of a barfing rat on a subway car and the English cops hated it so much they scrubbed it off in like an hour. That’s fine. Cleaning the bus is none of my business. 

But how do they know it was him?? Can’t the fake Banksy guys just say “-Banksy” on a spray paint of the Titanic running into a big jar of money? And there’s a kid crying or something? We know who he is now...he’s a DJ or something I think...but he does still wear a hoodie and mask and everything. Just do some fake Banksys! Or do something that actually looks cool and doesn’t get wiped off by a rat-hating man.

Anyway, getting your ironic apparel brand off the ground with a crowdfunding campaign is very strange when you can do print on demand whenever you want. 

Zealacare Smart Diaper

The smart diaper is in the same category as the dog shit eating fireplace -- I agree with the people running the campaign that there is a problem to be solved, whether it’s a dog’s turds or a grandpa’s. Ok. Those turds ain’t goin’ away! So what do we do about them? Well the idea is that we use technology to eliminate the turds. But I’m a tech skeptic. So when I see something like this, I have to ask these key questions.

Is this technology actually capable of solving this problem?

Could we solve the problem without this technology?

Where do the turds go when the fireplace sucks them up?

Who else benefits from this technology?

Does this technology introduce additional problems?

What if the grandpa removes the turd detector from the smart diaper?

And so on. It’s a complicated issue, and one we’re not likely to solve any time soon. But I believe that with enough middlemen situating themselves in between sick people and healthcare providers, the economy will become good again, and ??? etc. Thanks everyone. See ya next week

-jf