Writer's Blog: Depression is a Dumb, Vindictive Rodeo Pony, But I'm Still Hanging On (Patreon)

For someone who writes about mental health, it’s kinda funny how much shame I have over discussing my own. “Hypocritical” might be the more accurate word than "funny," if we're being honest, but for the sake of my own ego, I choose to view my inner reluctance over being emotionally honest as contrarily amusing since I otherwise have zero issues with telling people how I feel. 

Back in elementary school, my predilection for the truth got me suspended, because apparently you aren’t allowed to tell your second-grade teacher that you hate her guts and insert the word “hell” into her last name. (In my defense, I was seven.) While I stand by that insult to Miss Bee those twenty-odd years ago, I did eventually learn to be more diplomatic. Sometimes the truth doesn’t need to be spoken because it’ll hurt people’s feelings; I did not need to tell Miss Bee that she was a terrible teacher. But right now, the only feelings I’m trying to protect are my own, so I’ve been hiding. Because, stupidly, I still feel embarrassed to struggle. Even though it's a common struggle. Plus, it's not like my history of depression is a big secret. I pretty much put it all out there in my writing.

Nonetheless, I feel ashamed. But here goes my attempt at getting over myself and being emotionally honest:

When I was in college, my social anxiety got so bad that I was diagnosed with agoraphobia. I almost didn’t graduate, because I stopped attending classes, and I lost fifteen pounds because even walking across the street to buy groceries at Safeway felt like a one-woman trek to Mount Doom. Thanks to a family intervention, I got through it. I then traveled everywhere to compensate for the period of my life when I couldn’t go anywhere. Social media still gave me panic attacks, but social media was also avoidable.

Then the pandemic hit in 2020, and I was terrified to returning to that place of total insolation. After all, suddenly an actual reason to be wary of public spaces that wasn’t just my brain being an overzealous guard troll.

So, I posted Mind Blind online. I shared my creative writing with other people for the first time ever, because I needed to force myself forwards to keep from reverting back.

The reception was unlike anything I’d ever experienced. Discovering that people resonated with the main character, especially the aspects involving Button’s mental health and disability, made me feel that I wasn’t alone. I felt that like my past struggles now had value, because hopefully what I wrote could make readers feel less alone, too.

Mind Blind saved me.

Parts of this experience have been hard, and social media still gives me panic attacks. But I was making good progress, and I’d anticipated being finished with Mind Blind by now.

Then, suddenly, my mother had cancer, and I moved across the country to become her caregiver. And chemotherapy . . . well, it’s one of those things that gets progressively more difficult. Dealing with everything became hard, and becomes more so every day.

Writing became hard.

Not just because of the logistical difficulties of writing while living with someone (the stereotype of the recluse writer is one for a reason, because reclusively equals productivity). Writing became hard because of stress. I now second guess every scene I write, terrified of having my words ever read by others. The anxiety inside me, always simmering just beneath the surface, is constantly bubbling over my edges. What if no one likes the final scenes? What if I flub up the romances? What if my mom dies? What if I can’t fix the code?

I’ve still been making good progress with Mind Blind—several hundred thousand words worth over these last months, with the majority of endings now fully written. But rereading my work to edit and code check makes me melt into a puddle of humiliated goo. Not because I necessarily think what I’ve written is bad (logically, I know most is at least “fine”), but because there are a million illogical “what ifs” that I can’t escape. There’s a reason the releases have slowed, and that reason is my constant state of irrational anxiety.

Anyway, I’ve spent a lot of time the last two weeks attempting to get my mental health back on track and scheduling doctor appointments. Also writing, with mixed levels of success. I've become incredibly indecisive, meaning that Nick Wiseman has a Very Longwinded Opinion for UCRT tier reward, and Kenzie ended up with two different saucy sides for this month that will be posted tonight/tomorrow—I couldn’t decide between them so finished both. All I need to do tonight is alter the duplicate language, because I got lazy when describing some things and just copy-pasted the lip lock descriptions from Saucy Side 1 over to Saucy Side 2.

Having rambled for several paragraphs (and likely overshared, sorry!), it’s worth acknowledging that therapy and medication aren’t necessarily a magic carpet that will fly me to the Land of Mental Wellbeing. But in the past, they’ve been enough of a footstool that I can at least reach the lower handgrips to begin climbing out of the emotional crevasse that I’ve fallen into.

For now, I just want to thank you all for your kindness and patience. I may not currently have the brainspace to respond to messages and comments (at this point, I often find it difficult just to breathe), but I do try to read them all and genuinely appreciate the compassion of those who have reached out.

I’ll know that I’ll get to a better place because this isn’t my first Depression Rodeo, and I’ve become pretty skilled at staying saddled.

Below is the schedule for Mind Blind (in sequential order, with dates TBA):

1) A big update for 2.0 with Chapters 9-15 (I’m currently in the process of rewriting Chapter 14 and will be posting another feedback request post for Chapters 14 and 15). I decided to release all the new chapters together as I lose a lot of time trying to perfect the code for each chapter in order to release it . . . only to change it in half an hour when I add a new variable in a later chapter.

Why not release Chapter 16 at this time as well? Because Chapter 16 is being completely and utterly rewritten (seriously, the current version is unrecognizable at this point), as there are now several pathways within it depending on your choices which all lead to different ending routes.

2) Once Mind Blind 2.0 is updated to Chapter 15 (should be sometime in the middle of next month, barring any setbacks), I’ll be releasing the first ending route in its entirety! I’m going to start with my personal favorite ending, which has a total of 19 Chapters. This ending is already coded, although I anticipate that I’ll have to rework some things after finishing the edits on earlier chapters.

3) Once the first ending is shared, Endings 2-5 will be released in relatively short succession. These first five ending routes share some commonalities in choice, so I should be able to reuse a lot of the code even though the text itself will differ.

4) Then onto coding Endings 6 – 15! The last four endings still aren’t fully written yet, because I need to sit Kenzie down for a heart-to-heart regarding the fate of a certain politician.

5) I receive your feedback and edit the endings (which will be a LOT less intensive than the Grand Recoding I’m currently doing, thankfully), and go through the process to submit the game.

6) I figure out what the heck I’m doing for cover art.

Finally, I want to make sure that everyone has access to the current links. Please use the Version 1 if you'd like to provide any feedback on Chapters 14-15, but keep in mind that this is the outdated build when it comes to earlier chapters.

Mind Blind Version 1 Demo, Up to Chapter 15 (Chapter 16 has been taken out of this particular build, as the prior version is no longer relevant): 

https://dashingdon.com/play/wildelight/project-oreo/mygame/ 

Mind Blind 2.0, Up to Chapter 8: 

https://dashingdon.com/play/wildelight/mind-blind-20/mygame/