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Writer's Blog: Please Feed Me Feedback (Patreon)

Published:
2022-06-06 02:16:00
Imported:
2023-03

Content

I spent most of today struggling with a wonky keyboard—apparently, there was a reason that the fancy ergonomic one I’d gotten was on clearance (the guy at OfficeMax said that they no longer carry the model, even). There was some confusion given that I had no receipt, but shout out to Todd (the OfficeMax guy) for being cool and issuing me a refund anyway (which was promptly spent on another keyboard).

Anyhow, I need to go back through my edits for Chapter 8 since half the variables now say “PLACEHOLDER” given that my +/= key wasn’t working (neither were half my punctuation keys, but I worked around that with some judicious copy and paste). As I was editing all this earlier tonight and thus rereading Chapter 8 for the umpteenth time in the process, I realized that I wanted to use this post to discuss some of my current editing conundrums and ask for some more targeted feedback. 

(That being said, the comments I did receive were great! So great that I want more, if y'all would be so kindly inclined.)

These questions are about changes that I’ve already made/am in the process of making, yet still still see some possibility for expansion.

Feedback Questions

1) Initially, I’d planned for Button and Kenzie’s backstories to have a lot more reactivity when meeting with Vengeance. This is being added in to later chapters, but are there any other ways that you would like Button and Kenzie to pretend to have met? So far the options are childhood friends, via Podium, at an animal shelter, or during a fundraiser for Mayor Z (this last option is going to gain a lot of new commentary from the peanut gallery of Reese and AL).

2) Buttons who choose Sally as their MIVs now have a much more romantic scene with lots of fluffy reassurances on both sides. Buttons interested in matchmaking Sally and Nick together now have the option to do so (provided your MC expresses interest in doing so). I like the new version of this that I have now, but was there anything that those choosing to match the two might want to see or think should be addressed? (Again, I want to stress that the two do not get together in game unless Button actively encourages them.)

3) I’ve done some minor tweaks to Rosy and Gray’s training scenes to drop more lore and incorporate ace pathways, but any suggestions over those scenes are also welcome since they’re pretty significant romance-wise. And for those interested in the asexual romance routes for Rosy and Gray: is there anything in particular that you would like to see altered or added?

4) I’m pretty happy with the Podium sections, especially after editing. But feedback on that is of course welcome as well! I’m considering making Button respond to an additional comment from a user that’s clearly Caleb, but am worried that might the online profile segment too long. I don't want Podium to wear out its welcome, and there's only so much cringe content that readers can take.

5) Scenery was tricky for me in this chapter. (Let's get real: scenery is always tricky for me since I'm about as visual as a naked mole rat.) Were there any scenes that you felt the description needed to be fleshed out? Any transitions that were unclear or confusing?

Again, these are only questions regarding Chapter 8. I have twice as many for Chapter 9, but I’ll post those next week.

Comments

Anonymous

On 2- You've mentioned (I believe in a q&a) that Nick needs a kick in the butt before he's a good boyfriend, so I'd love to see that brought up when trying to match-make. Like, obviously Button knows that Nick is going to treat Sally well (lest he face her and my wrath) but I think it might be fun to give him a mini shovel-talk lol. On 4- I love the Podium section honestly, and I love Caleb (my little criminal dork <3) and will be visiting him in prison, so I think the extra comment would be cool!

Anonymous

(Sorry about that, I forgot to shift+enter!) For the Rosy training scene, I really appreciate that Button gets a little better reading them after each prolonged interaction. I think I'd like to see a few more instances of Button catching an expression on Rosy's face; or perhaps another pun or two slips in. Also, just want to note that Rosy closing the door between themselves and Button...*chef's kiss* So good. To me, it feels like their cutting themselves off from interacting further with Button.

Anonymous

(Did I manage to delete my entire comment when I went to edit it?) - RE: Ace Gray training. Maybe don’t include the “What now, teacher?” option. I don’t know but the “predatory grin” and the suggestive use of “teacher” both strike me as unfitting for it when the majority of ace options I’ve seen so far have been more on the passive side. (To be fair: I have only played Rosy’s ace route, so far. It’s a bit of a chore juggling all the different safe slots otherwise and I just get the impression that, on the allo path, I see more optional content to give feedback on. However, if you want specific ace opinions, let me know and I, just like life in “Jurassic Park”, will find a way.) For future reference, it would be tremendously helpful to know what you really envision to do with your ace routes: Are they supposed to accommodate players/Buttons not interested in a sexual relationship with their ROs? Are they supposed to be less physical/sexual in general? Both are fine, separate or together, but there is still a huge difference between giving an ace Button a “fade to black” instead of a tame sex scene or preventing an ace Button from thinking that their RO is smokin’ hot entirely. While I wouldn’t necessarily wish for my Button to think “Look at Gray’s cake, he’s got a whole bakery going on there”, I would be completely fine with “Rosy’s cheekbones could cut me in half any day”. That’s why it would be great to establish those general boundaries in order to give you more focused feedback. The main reason why I’m talking about this right now, is the moment with a sweaty Gray during training. I love this moment (particularly Nick’s “Are you peacocking for my brother?”) and I would absolutely hate to lose it in an ace playthrough. Yet, I can see why it might not work in its current state (= Nick’s stripper comment, Button’s reaction to Gray’s body including the reference to his treasure trail, the “super sexy cliché” option albeit very true, the “bite my lower lip” option). Suggestions: Change Nick’s stripper comment to something a bit more trivial. Maybe a reference to a “Diet Coke break” or something? Leave the treasure trail description in because it seems a lot more harmless without the stripper association beforehand (but I’d recommend checking in with other aces on that one). Maybe add in an appreciative reaction that is based solely on acknowledging the fact that Gray is super fit? You can be impressed by a well-trained body for entirely aesthetic reasons without feeling a desire to lick those abs. - RE: Ace Rosy training. Maybe rephrase the option “The two of us alone, sweaty and high on adrenaline” into something less suggestive and exchange the “introduce toys into our relationship” option with something equally punny like “gunning for my affection”? If there is no “Rosy seeing me naked” fantasy in the ace training scene, maybe replace it with a more harmless one like Button pretending to faint into Rosy’s very strong arms? *cue Bodyguard soundtrack* Including acid Nick commentary, of course. Personally, though, there shouldn’t be any more references to Button wanting to cuddle Rosy. We already had that and it would be nice to focus the fantasy on something else. Maybe Rosy showing genuine concern for once? Or just making an incredibly bad pun while theatrically pretending to “awake” in Rosy’s arms (“I’ve been hit by / I’ve been struck by / A smooth Kim-minal”)? I just have no idea how you would achieve a similar sense of callback at the end of training (“Your breath catches: this is happening almost exactly like you’d imagined”). - Technically OT, but because the training scene focus on survival and, realistically, we didn’t get a good chance before to do it: Will Button ever have the opportunity to thank Rosy for getting Sally out of the building during the bombing? (Or just generally reacting to it, depending on your Sally/Rosy relationship. Nick’s reaction would be interesting, too, because it’s probably one of the very rare instances where he has to acknowledge that Rosy did the right thing. Mwahaha!) - As somebody advocating for the happily suicidal bastard Buttons among us: Since your height is referenced in Gray’s training scene, any chance we get to comment on Rosy’s height and our “height advantage” *cough* if we’re tall or very tall? - A note as an ESL speaker: When I first heard the term “survivor” in its mental health context while watching “My Mad Fat Diary”, it was really something else. I had, of course, listened to the Destiny’s Child song before, but my brain didn’t really connect the “it me” dots before I saw a Rae (“My Mad Fat Diary” protagonist) proudly claim the term for herself. I’m only mentioning this because Rosy, too, is ESL (or ETL?) and their reaction to the label (= at least I always understood it in a label sense here) always struck me as… significant. Would they react in the same manner if Button conveyed a similar message, just in other words? “I am a survivor” is a completely different statement from “I’m planning to survive”. The first one is a statement about identity, the other one is a statement of intent. Most people intend to survive as an imperative but not for everyone it is a large aspect of their lives. This, I guess, is why the “survivor” scene with Rosy means a lot to me. It is also why I would wish that we had more of an opportunity in this moment to customize Button’s relationship to their own survivor status (if the player wants to claim it) beyond just a mere “keeping my blood inside” mentality. - RE: Caleb. I am very much in favor of the additional Caleb moment. Any chance you could circumvent your worries about general scene length by making it an optional choice to check out? Maybe Sally/Glitch points a thread/posting out to you and you can decide whether to read/click on it or not? Continuing on the pedantry train (take it or leave it): - The transition between Gray volunteering and Button choosing Rosy despite being friendly/romantic with Gray, seems a little awkward. I mean specifically the fact that, basically, Button turns Gray down and then the next screen has Gray addressing Rosy without acknowledging that Button just did something completely contra-intuitive. However, it's a supremely small quibble and should only concern those Buttons who clearly favor Gray over Rosy *and* who, for some reason, don't choose Gray. Which, I realize, will be exceedingly rare. Personally, since some Gray-mancing options are really blushy, I went with my shy Button choosing Rosy over Gray out of embarrassment and in order to prevent them from (probably) failing at life during training with him. - If you choose to stand up to check on Gray’s “injuries”, it would be super neat to have your prior seating choice reflected in the text. If you chose to sit on the opposite side of the table in order to face the door, the way back to your chair on weak knees would be a little longer due to the “large round table dominat[ing] the space”. When I say “reflected in the text”, I only mean maybe two or three different words to describe the movement. Or simply the acknowledgment that everybody’s eyes are on you because the moment plays out for two or three awkward seconds too long? (I realize that this moment isn’t in Chapter 8, it's at the end of Chapter 7. Just slipped this in here because I didn’t want to post a separate nitpicky comment.)

Anonymous
>>85287790

- RE: Sally/Nick. It would be helpful to get some more insight into Nick’s romantic history before matchmaking them. What was the context of Sally calling him a “playboy” and in which way does Button (dis)agree with that judgement? Further, could anything about Nick’s so-called “playboy” status change Button’s motivation to matchmake the two of them? (I will probably matchmake them in every playthrough except as a Sally-mancer or when my Button is actively antagonistic towards Nick, but I still feel it would be nice to know more in order to flesh out the Sally/Nick backstory.) Also: I went with a Nick-hating Button this time and I think it would be hilarious if you could try and actively sabotage their relationship instead. (After all, Button doesn’t know that they won’t get together without our direct interference.) For example, I had hoped to get the dialogue about playboy!Nick and to make some rude comments about his exes or his high dating standards in general. - Is there a reason why none of Button’s Podium comments include any reference to Hope? Not that they have to, but a Button who’s hurting and who intends to really twist the knife here, would probably go for as many people as they can. - (Another Chapter 7 detail because I was unsure about where else to post it:) “[Glitch] wanted to make sure we cleared up the misunderstanding between us” doesn’t really fit for Buttons who didn’t struggle with K’s Ment status, who were primarily thankful for their help at the hospital or who only just chose the “I don’t know K enough to care” option in order to react to the big reveal. As a Button who, so far, hasn’t really thought that deeply about K at all, there’s simply no misunderstanding except for the general secrecy around the NPO Program for which both K and Glitch aren’t directly responsible. (Unless I’m missing a good reason why Glitch and K would be particularly concerned about the situation?) - Nitpick: The fact that there’s no Goya reference (“Saturn Devouring His Son”) when you see the picture of Nick devouring an infant on Podium, almost feels like a missed opportunity to me. Especially if “more art talk” means “more random Rhonda bashing”. Edit: Regarding my comments about the ace training scenes above. Apologies if I talked about stuff that doesn't even appear on the respective ace paths. I just went with my designated Gray/Rosy save and, in retrospect, I'm not even sure it was an ace playthrough at all. Mea culpa. 😳

Anonymous

1. I really like the options thus far! I was racking my brain for any additional options that might make sense, but I don't think there are any that wouldn't immediately fall apart under scrutiny. Maybe there could be a "high effort Button" option for the hilarity? Sorry if this isn't helpful. 2. I love setting up Nick and Sally so much I've actually never played through the Sally romance (can't bring myself to mess with Nick's happiness.... N!over runs are impossible). I love what's already there but definitely wouldn't turn down additional commentary that shows Sally still having a crush. I know Button is her best friend and knows the crush is real, but I'm a hopeless romantic and I just love that these two can get together. 3. Okay, so I think with the ace!Button routes in training, you can almost "use" Nick's commentary in their head to reaffirm Button's ace status. Gray's "Are you peacocking for my sibling?" could be followed by a "That's not why I love him" thought pattern, or Nick's commentary could be more along the lines of a joking "oh he thinks that will work?" Both of these options I think allow for a nuanced ace!Button in that Button can express that Gray/Rosy (sorry I only used Gray in this example) are attractive but they're not sexually attracted to them while also adding more of Nick in their head to contrast with later events. 4. I'd love more Podium, especially from Caleb. It would be really wonderful for a Caleb Podium comment to lead to another option later during the "frightened rabbit" scene or with the meeting afterwards, especially if Button has high tech skills or interpersonal skills (like a "ive connected the dots" scene). But more importantly, Caleb is a very unique and interesting character in that he's a foil for Button. For a Button with hard morals, Caleb's Podium comment might be the first time they see something they "agree" with- or at least shows that there's more to the org than meets the eye. Moreover, he's one of the few reoccurring characters (besides the ROs and Nick/parents) that isn't necessarily an enemy. All this to say, I'd love the option to respond to a Caleb Podium comment. It's definitely not necessary, but it would be so cool! Also I'm not sure if you want any other feedback about the podium section, but more options on "how you feel about nick" might lead to some interesting developments within their relationship. I know you can be mad at John, but it seems like in this instance you're more mad because of nepotism/favoritism. An additional option stating that John is horrific for basically sacrificing his eldest child for the sake of a dynasty, expressing care for Nick (especially given Vancouver is brought up before this I think?), could be extremely cool. I know you're worried about scene length, but you've created an incredibly fascinating world that I think most people here would agree they want to spend as much time as possible in. 5. I think your visual descriptions are great! It could be cool to have more description of the combat training? I think this kind of ties into the romance scenes for sure, but there's two descriptions (one for Gray, one for Rosy) that could include an extra detail or two. - w/ Gray it's something like "I spend the next hour practicing how to kick". Adding something like "At one point I nearly made contact, having caught Gray off-guard. His telekinesis stopped me from actually kicking him but he rewarded me with a smile." includes an additional romance element as well as more back-and-forth in the scene. - w/Rosy its "I spend the next hour moving from cover to cover dodging bullets." Including (similarly) a part where Button comes close to lazing Rosy and is rewarded by Rosy's surprise could be cool. And if you want more of a "combat training visual," The U.S. Armed Forces put out different YouTube videos on combatives. I use these all the time to determine where trained people would hit an assailant (or where theyd train others to hit someone). I'm not sure if you need it at all, I've just discovered its pretty helpful when I've used punch or kick too many times and am ready to pull my hair out.

Anonymous

I have only a couple of nitpicks, though not as deep (or probably not as necessary either). Alas, these two instances from previous chapters have popped into my head. 1. Wiseman lunchtime: When Button leaves home and hears Nick's question about lunch with Dad, there's an option “I'm surprised that Dad bothered double checking the time since we have lunch together every week.” So far, so good! Later, when John messages Button, this expands to encouraged/discouraged monthly/weekly meet-ups (or meetings on holidays)... But then, when Button is talking with Gray, one more choice appears: “Nick’s concern makes no sense. I meet with Dad every week, why would this time be any different?” I'd say there might be too much emphasis on the “weekly” choice... or too little reactivity to the other ones. Buttons who meet up with John monthly but still do it every time get deprived of a reaction at least once. 2. Hypocritical (?) little sibling: This is a very niche thing to comment on... but here we go. When romancing Gray, if Button watches movies with Sally, it's really great to... ahem... give Sally and Nick a taste of their own medicine. But initiating Sally/Nick's romance, under certain circumstances, can actually feel like a very insensitive move. For Button to express displeasure about the pair talking about their love life, the option is “My love life isn't either of your business.” Do I not deserve any privacy whatsoever?” “You've got no business with my love life, but I'm going to set you two up” ends up a bit hypocritical. Some variation of “Not cool, guys, but I am happy for you two!” could be a good squeeze-in since some Buttons might find issues with gossiping, not with the support itself. Of course, that's just my personal impression. These nitpicks aside, 2.0 is really fun. I love the new variables and edits. :) Keep up the AMAZING work!

Anonymous
>>85305882

Oh, I love your ace!Button suggestion and the Gray example! Great thinking there and it would be a really wonderful way to give us an insight into the Button/Nick sibling relationship. Since Nick doesn’t really want to entertain the notion of Rosy being interested at all *and* Rosy, at that stage, is also not particularly emotionally demonstrative, it would actually make a lot of sense to limit this kind of exchange to Gray. That said, it certainly would be funny to get an ace equivalent of Nick’s “[Kim] better not be interested in seeing you naked” line which could open further ways to customize an ace!Button’s interest. I can also only agree with your point about an expanded training sequence. That coffee shop detail at the end of Rosy's training scene, for example, always strikes me as a supremely comical (especially as a Button who wouldn't mind going for an actual coffee with Rosy). Not to mention the sheer absurdity of the funeral parlor environment. My cheeky Rosy-mancer!Button would probably crack a joke about Rosy having the most questionable taste in first-date spots except for, maybe, Mary Shelley. But really, there’s just so much potential for hilarity in general here.

Anonymous
>>85287790

More stray observations (including former chapters): - Two lines from former chapters that contradict each other with regard to Button’s age during the incident with Hope: 1. After the incident when you were fifteen, you had only Nick and Sally. 2. Logically, I know what happened when I was sixteen is unlikely to repeat. But the thought of being near Mom still petrifies me. Maybe Mirrortech’s new BRS could change that. - Did you change the timeline of the Vancouver bombing somehow? I cannot be 100% sure but I think I’ve seen that it was two *and* three years ago. - Chapter 6: During every replay, I always think it would be nice to have a “I have no (more) questions for Rosy” option when you inquire about the bomb / the general circumstances since you have to go through every single option afterward anyway. Not a necessity, just a thought. - Chapter 7: 1. Given that the table is *round* and only one of five seats is taken (two when Kenzie goes to sit beside Glitch), Kenziemancers should be able to sit next to Kenzie instead of having to settle for Glitch or the opposite side of the table. 2. Rosy goes a little lost in the beginning of the above scene. Maybe add one sentence about how/where they are standing in the room? Since it is their real office, their space, it’s interesting to see how exactly they occupy it. 3. One other thing I was wondering: Why are there only five chairs when Operation Hemera consists of six people? Rosy has a chair in their other office, so it’s not that they simply love standing around. 4. If you glance at the door instead of sitting down, you seem to stand awkwardly in the room during the following dialogue. That’s not necessarily a problem but when Sally later appears you get “Sally stumbles to the chair beside you, looking dazed” even though it was never mentioned that you actually sat down somewhere. The same goes for the option “Am too in awe of the technology present in this room to do anything but gape.” - Chapter 8: 1. Should a Rosymancer!Button at least be able to attempt sharing Sally’s Rosy vision with the group? I absolutely understand why Nick and Sally think this is unwise but we’re talking about a Button who can joke about “Love after Lockup” scenarios here. They are smitten. They (probably) want to impress Rosy. And Rosy values information. Absolutely fine if a desperate Sally kicks them under the table before they can speak up. It would be career suicide for her to hand in a report in which she accuses her own handler of murder. Actually, I’m wondering the same for Gray’s vision (have not played with Glitch’s vision yet) as, on the surface, it appears to be relatively harmless in comparison. Similar reason as above? It’s just a little strange that Button would hold back knowledge that could be invaluable to their RO and, as such, the one person whose safety they should care about the most. 2. It would add a little flavor to the Kenziemance if Button could choose Glitch as their Podium MIV in order to pump them for information about Kenzie and/or (depending on your Sally relationship) for Sally to get the chance to form an opinion on Kenzie while working with them. 3. If you want to vomit at Nick’s crush on Sally as a Rosymancer, it would be hilarious if Nick thought something along the lines of “Now you know how it feels”. 4. RE: TruthSlayer response. a) I feel we need another version of the “Promoting a 23-year-old kid with no real leadership experience?” argument that doesn’t focus on Nick’s safety but instead on the safety of the people he is meant to protect. Especially for anti-Ment Buttons. This could hurt Nick due to his troubled start as UCRT’s Justice. Extra points for mentioning that Nick needs more supervision and thus indirectly teasing him about the Rosy situation from before. b) I already mentioned the lack of Hope in these responses, but: Unless John was the main reason for Nick joining the UCRT, it seems a bit sexist to completely ignore Hope’s influence here. While that, obviously, is in line with the other content on Podium, I’d still prefer an argument like “John is a bad father for pushing Nick into danger” (man = violence) and “Hope is a bad mother for not protecting her child” (woman = nurture). For Buttons with a bad Wiseman parents relationship, this line of argument would also dramatically underscore why John and Hope failed both of their children: Nick was pushed into something he wasn’t ready for and Button was the one they didn’t manage to protect. 5. Training: a) Suicidal Buttons get the Nick advice to share their headspace with Gray or Rosy if they choose a thought that indicates suicidality during Gray’s training. I’m not sure I have seen a similiar option during the Rosy training. Is there a reason for this? It would fit well as an option here: ‘You nod. “I understand . . .”’. b) If you chose to train with Rosy in order to get “alone, sweaty and high on adrenaline”, it would be hilarious to mentally acknowledge the fact that they actually didn’t seem to break a sweat even once. Edit: I will be leaving some Chapter 9 thoughts in the The Great Rewritening Feedback Request post. Only mentioning this because I’m not sure whether you get notifications about comments on older posts.

Anonymous
>>85287790

- RE: Vancouver bombing timeline. I have found the specific lines: 2 years: “Vancouver happened two years ago,” Ambrosia interrupts with a vicious slice of her hand through the air. “Twenty-two American citizens died in that bombing, and that’s only a small portion of the casualties. And yet the perpetrator walks free.” 3 years: UCRT has had run-ins with Vengeance before, Nick adds. They’re an annoyingly persistent Anti-Ment extremist group, who consider anyone above a Pollard 5 to be—lemme see if I remember their brochure—‘a danger to our fair and free society.’ They were behind Vancouver three years ago.