H - 42: Do You Not Have Toast (Patreon)

“Good morning!”

“Hello,” Percy answered with less enthusiasm, emerging carefully into the kitchen where Kaln was making breakfast.

“Help yourself, I’m just finishing up here,” he said, scraping eggs around the pan with a wooden spoon—the pan handle glittering with jewels, the spoon made from an extinct tree and inlaid with silver. “I have pears sliced up over there on the counter, with bread, butter, and honey. Hope you like scrambled eggs.”

“Scrambled?” She crept past him, peering at the food he’d laid out already. “I usually have my eggs slightly runny, served over toast.”

“Toast?”

“Yes.”

Kaln waited, and she said nothing, just picked up a slice of pear. Right, that was on him. He’d gotten to know Percy a bit while working to set up this kitchen and their respective sleeping quarters last night, and while he was of course far from a deep understanding, he had picked up on enough things to recognize some traits he knew from his time in the Royal Archives.

“Toasted what?” he prompted.

She turned to stare at him, blinking. “Toasted…toast? Do you not have toast in Rhivaak?”

“Well, we toast things like nuts and tubers, plantains…”

“Um. It’s…toasted bread.”

“…huh. Really? Wouldn’t that just burn it? Oh, but it’s probably different with northern bread. Now, I’ve had Rhiva flatbread fried, that quite tasty. Very heavy in the stomach, though, puts you right to sleep.”

“This is what everyone mostly meant when we talked about being unprepared for mortal guests,” Pheneraxa announced, striding into the kitchen. “You saw how easy it was to set up sleeping arrangements. Food is going to be the issue. It was a whole entire debacle—a couple of them, actually—getting a supply of food set up, but that just settles the raw ingredients.”

“Good morning, Pheneraxa,” said Kaln. “Can I help you?”

“Scrambled sounds good to me. I’ve only had eggs raw. They’re merely fine that way; I’m rather curious what you can do.”

Kaln sighed, marshaling his patience. “The subtext was what are you doing here first thing in the morning?”

“I came for breakfast, obviously,” she stated. “Anyway, Percy, Kaln was a scribe back in Rhivkabat, and apparently he cooks about as well as you would expect a scribe to. You mustn’t expect too much.”

“I…I see.”

“You’ve got some brass ones, barging in here, denigrating my cooking, and expecting me to feed you.”

“I am a dragon,” she said smugly.

“Also you are exacerbating an issue we already have. We’ve set up a supply of food for one human, which now has to be doubled and I don’t even know how to get in touch with our merchant contacts to arrange that. That’s Izayaroa’s area, and she didn’t come home last night.” He’d checked before falling asleep, and first thing in the morning; she was still nowhere in the vicinity. Kaln couldn’t suppress the churning sensation this caused in his gut, but was trying to keep it internal for Percy’s and everyone else’s sake. “I’m happy you’ve discovered the joys of cuisine, but maybe you could hold off until we manage to update the supply situation?”

“How hard is it to modify your order with the merchant?” Percy asked. “Oh! Um, I didn’t mean for that to sound sarcastic, I actually don’t know how hard it is. I was always firmly discouraged from getting involved with day to day maintenance around the palace. The servants didn’t seem to appreciate my questions and Mother told me not to interfere with their work.”

“It’s probably harder for us than it would have been for you,” Kaln explained, frowning at the eggs as he transferred them to a bowl. “We can’t just wander into town on a whim. That’s always the case, but after Vanimax abducted you, I have to assume your people right now are particularly…wary. Well, I guess I could put in some more eggs, and there’s more bread…”

“Why don’t you let me take over?” Pheneraxa asked condescendingly. “I can see you are out of your depth, Kaln.”

“Pheneraxa, I am reasonably sure you never tasted sugar before yesterday. You’re seriously going to try to tell me you know how to cook?”

“I have read several cookbooks,” she stated, lifting her chin proudly. “Perhaps you should have studied the subject before leaving home.”

Kaln knew, in that moment, not only what the right thing was to do, but how to do it: he should gently distract and redirect her attention. He decided, knowingly and deliberately, to do the funny thing instead.

“Well, if you’re sure,” he said, giving her his most innocent smile. “Considering how this is going so far, I wouldn’t turn down good help. Perhaps you could make some of that toast Percy likes? Oh, and since we’re adding a carnivore to the table, maybe fry up some bacon? If it’s not too complex, of course, I wouldn’t want to—”

“Oh, please, what could possibly be complex about that?” she snorted. Stepping over to the enchanted preservation box, the dragon reached in and retrieved a slab of bacon. That really was a very user-friendly device, essentially a larger bag of holding; its storage capacity was greater than Kaln would ever need, it kept its contents in suspension to ensure eternal freshness, and would immediately provide whatever the user desired.

Right off the bat, he had to intervene.

“You’ll need to slice that up,” Kaln said helpfully when Pheneraxa grabbed the skillet he’d used for eggs without wiping it out first and started to put the entire chunk of bacon in it. “It fries best in small strips.”

“Ah, is that so? What a useful tip, thank you, Kaln,” she said primly. “All right, shoo. You two go get started on what’s already prepared, give me space to work.”

“Use a cutting board, please. It’s on the—there you go.”

Pheneraxa deliberately turned her back to him, saying nothing else, and began to carefully and meticulously saw at the side of bacon with a cleaver. Percy turned to Kaln with a worried frown as he picked up the tray of bread and toppings, balancing the bowl of eggs in his elbow. He smiled and jerked his head toward the door.

She blinked, tilting her head to match while still watching his face.

Right.

Kaln stepped outside, and as he’d hoped, Percy followed, seating herself at the dining table while he laid out food. He had already set up two plates; it required a simple exertion of will through the wards to conjure a third.

He considered the chamber to be in a preliminary state, still, but was pleased with the progress made thus far. Kaln had begun yesterday’s renovation by assembling a “house” for Percy, with input from her—though aside from requesting that he use the door she had built for its entrance, she seemed rather vague and disinterested in most of the process. And then, because symmetry appealed to him, he had built another for himself in an exactly matching configuration, but mirrored.

They had a comfortable distance between them, being built at opposite ends of the vault itself, each along the back wall and wedged in a corner. The privacy was a bonus; Kaln had decided on this arrangement because this enabled him to connect each house to one of the two Timekeeper toilet facilities in this chamber.

That these were recognizable for that purpose had at first taken him aback, but it was hard to mistake the point of a long room with fountains along one wall, and along the other a single long seat with regularly spaced holes, and beneath them a channel of running water. As far as Kaln knew, this might be the first solid evidence that the Timekeepers had actually been humanoid. Thanks to the permanence of their surviving works, Atraximos’s wards, and Emeralaphine’s enchantments keeping the whole complex’s waterways clear, everything was spotlessly clean and in working order.

The kitchen had been the most complex to build, but only because of its internals. The actual structure was the smallest and simplest of the three, positioned against the rear wall equidistant between Kaln’s and Percy’s houses: a simple room with doorways on two ends, and in front of it a dining area demarcated by standing pillars but left open to the room. The great, echoingly empty room. Kaln needed to spend some time setting up more of an environment in here.

His original plan to ask for Emeralaphine’s help in setting up the actual kitchen pieces was out, due to the wards’ hostile reaction to her, but fortunately Pheneraxa proved both knowledgeable about enchantments and willing to help. The magical pantry was easy enough, as were the equally magical oven and stove. A little counter-intuitive to use, but simple enough once the runic controls were explained to him. The luxury of being able to cook without fuel was incredible. Much more difficult had been the kitchen water source. Fortunately all the necessary pieces, each a rarity fit for an archmage’s house, had been present in Atraximos’s collection. There was a tap that conjured water from nothing, which they’d positioned above a basin with a stoppable hole in the bottom, under which had been positioned an all-devouring artifact behind another device that Kaln interpreted as a sort of magical sieve; the resulting portable hole was secured from any external access and would banish wastewater and wasted food particles and nothing else. Setting up the filter to those specifications had been entirely Pheneraxa’s work; Kaln had needed her insight to get all of it chained together properly.

The end result was incredibly efficient. If only it wasn’t wasted on one of the worst cooks alive. Well, he had time to practice, after all.

“How did you acquire this food, if you can’t go into the city?” Percy asked while he spooned scrambled eggs onto her plate. Her expression didn’t look enthusiastic about the food, for which he couldn’t blame her.

“We, ah…went into the city,” Kaln admitted. “Izayaroa has connections with a trading company. She was disguised as a human, and seems to believe her presence was a secret, but after learning a bit about Verdi culture I’m starting to suspect she may have been spotted even before now.”

“Oh, yes, it always caused my stepmothers stress when the dragons would visit,” Percy agreed, now frowning as she spread honey on a slice of bread. He couldn’t tell whether the frown was for the subject matter, the choice of food available, or the fact that she clearly wasn’t used to doing this and was tearing up her bread.

“Did they…know every time?” he asked.

“I’m not actually sure, I wasn’t involved in state affairs. Specifically. I was removed from the roster of…well, that’s a long story. Mother would only mention it sometimes after the fact, over dinner or something. It was a source of stress for them. I don’t even know which dragons it was, just what royals generally know in the Evervales.”

“And…that is…?”

“Oh! Well, just that Atraximos is the…was the only aggressive one. The consorts would sometimes go to human cities in disguise for various reasons, but they never did any harm because everyone was careful not to provoke them. And of course the drakes would be seen hunting in the wild, but they were mostly harmless if avoided. The red one…” Her expression darkened. “That is, Vanimax would sometimes breathe fire or roar if someone tried to get too close, but mostly they’d just leave if approached. I’m…I’m not sure how much of that is common knowledge and how much is royal privilege. I don’t think most people are aware the consort dragons were ever inside cities. Mother always emphasized that was a secret.”

“I see,” he mused. Well, good. Having gotten to know them, this news wasn’t really surprising, but it still gladdened him to hear that none of his new family were known to victimize innocent people.

Percy raised her head, swallowing a bite of eggs. “Um, do I smell…?”

“Yep.”

Seconds later, Pheneraxa herself emerged from the door, scowling and holding a small loaf of bread charred black and smoking. “There is a problem. How is this meant to work, exactly? When exposed to fire it does not react as the books indicated.”

“You…you have to slice it, first,” Percy explained, staring. “You toast the individual slices, not the whole loaf.”

“Oh! Hm…” Pheneraxa tore the loaf in half; to Kaln’s surprise, most of its interior seemed untouched, despite the outside being now mostly charcoal. “I see, I see. The texture is different. No wonder…” She turned and went back inside without another word.

“Did she breathe fire at that?” Percy whispered, leaning toward Kaln. “Surely it wouldn’t get that burned if she just put it in the oven.”

“I have absolutely no idea what’s happening in there,” he said cheerfully, “except that valuable lessons are being learned. And really, doesn’t that make everything worthwhile?”

“Well…I can spell bacon frying now,” she said doubtfully. “At the very least, the smell is appetizing.”

The princess took another bite of her eggs, and Kaln couldn’t help noticing she didn’t seem to be enjoying the food much. At least she was eating, though.

He needed to do something about this.

“If we’re low on food,” Percy said quietly, “isn’t it a problem for Pheneraxa to be, um…destroying it?”

“I’m not going to let either of us go hungry,” Kaln promised. “We have enough for a few days even at our most profligate, and then… It’s not that we can’t get more, it’s that all the options for doing so all come with annoying drawbacks. Three of the most powerful, versatile, and wealthy beings in the world live here. We will make do.”

“I see. Well, that makes sense, I suppose.”

“More than that, I’m concerned about getting something you like. It was one thing when I was the only human eater in here; I’m accustomed to roughing it.”

“I don’t want to be any trouble,” she said quickly. “I am…too constrained by habits, anyway. All of this is a great chance for me to have new experiences.”

“You are the opposite of trouble, Percy, and you’re not an obligation. Remember what Tiavathyris said about hospitality? It is both a crucial virtue of civilization and a great source of satisfaction to provide comfort for a guest in one’s home.”

Before she could answer, Pheneraxa emerged again, carrying a pan of bacon.

“This is marvelous stuff!” she said brightly. “I was debating how much oil to fry it in, but it turns out it doesn’t need any. The fat melts as you cook it. How very convenient! And it smells—”

“Go finish cooking that,” Kaln ordered, reaching out to stop her before she could dump bacon, molten grease and all, onto Percy’s plate.

Pheneraxa scowled at him. “I just did. Look, it’s cooked.”

“You’ve started. It needs to be thoroughly cooked. Remember? You were the one who had to explain to the family why humans can’t eat raw meat.”

“It is not raw! I told you, I have read about cooking! Meat is best served rare.”

“Red meat, yes. Beef is best rare. Pork and poultry have to be thoroughly cooked, or they’ll make us sick.”

Pheneraxa squinted at him, then at her pan of bacon. Kaln took note that she’d hacked it into such ragged, uneven strips that most of the “slices” were practically wedges.

“It looks plenty red to me.”

“Yes, ‘red meat’ is a pretty arbitrary label; we should look up the etymology of the term sometime. I bet that’s a fascinating story. Think of it as the designation for meat that can be served rare. Bacon is not red meat. Just cook it until it’s curled and crispy and none of the white parts are still white, that’ll be fine.”

“If you say so,” she sniffed, then flounced back into the kitchen.

“What cookbooks has she read?” Percy whispered.

“If Emeralaphine’s library is anything like the Royal Archives of Rhivkabat,” Kaln answered just as quietly, “cookbooks are collections of recipes written by and for people who already know how to cook. I’ve never seen an introductory primer on the subject; I think most people learn the basics in person.”

Percy peered at the kitchen door, then back at him. “Why would she just…read recipe books, then?”

“Pheneraxa likes absorbing knowledge,” he said, smiling. “No doubt she has her favorite subjects, as do we all, but she also just loves learning.”

“Hum. I am actually looking forward to spending some time in that library.”

“Me, too. Considering how little else there is to do around here it’s surprising I haven’t already, but I have been fully occupied with the family. Consider how many centuries they got along just fine without me it’s incredible how much management I have to do with these dragons.”

“I don’t think that’s incredible at all,” she said, gazing him in that earnest way she often did when saying something almost inappropriately direct. “I’ve only been here a very short time and I’m notoriously bad at picking up hints, but even I’ve heard enough context to understand that the Dread was an oppressive ruler. It’s been a real surprise to learn that all the rest of the dragons were as intimidated and abused by him as we were. But it seems to make a strange amount of sense in hindsight.”

“I think that is a very good insight,” he agreed. “But…it’s probably a good idea not to repeat it in front of the dragons, or at least not in those words. They are very particular about their pride. Implying that they were ever weak or intimidated would offend them greatly.”

“Ah, I see,” she said, nodding. “That is very good advice, thank you. I will try very hard to remember that.”

“As for food… I’m going to see how good the Phantom Legion’s cooks are. I’ve been skittish about undead handling my food, but—”

“I fully understand and for the record am also skittish about that same thing,” she said quickly and emphatically. “I would much rather eat your cooking than anything handled by ghosts and zombies. This actually isn’t that bad, it’s just not what I’m used to. Also…I hate to be demanding, but on a similar note, I’m going to need to acquire some new clothes somehow.”

She was, in fact, wearing the same black dress she had been yesterday, though she appeared to have left her tiara in her new residence.

“Oh, that’s not problem,” Kaln assured her. “I can easily provide—”

“Kaln,” Percy interrupted, staring intently at him, “this may be something you wouldn’t understand as much, being from Rhivaak, but I cannot wear clothes that Atraximos the Dread took off the backs of people he murdered. I’m sure they’re all wonderful or he wouldn’t have bothered keeping them, but I… I just can’t.”

“No, don’t worry, that makes perfect sense,” Kaln said swiftly. He had been less squeamish about that particular detail, personally, but it wasn’t as if it needed any further explanation. “I understand completely. All right, so…food and clothing. We may as well draw up a list of necessities. That’ll give us something to do while I try to figure out exactly how to get these necessities.”

“That’s simple enough,” Pheneraxa stated, sweeping back out of the kitchen with a pan of bacon in one hand and a platter of very singed bread in the other.

“That was fast,” Kaln said pointedly. “Very fast. Did you just breathe fire at that?”

“No, Kaln, I am not a complete imbecile, which is the question you actually just asked behind the one you said out loud,” she sneered. “Applying higher heat would alter the chemical reaction occurring, everyone understands that. I used a small time acceleration spell, that’s all. It turns out that just standing over something while it cooks is a mind-numbingly tedious process.”

Kaln examined her offerings; Percy did likewise, not succeeding as well at concealing her perturbed expression. She had clearly used the same loaf of bread for the toast as her first attempt, to judge by the charred black ring of crust around each slice. Aside from that, it didn’t look too terrible; the browning on the formerly fluffy and now crispy interior bread was actually rather intriguing. The bacon…had not turned out as well. It was unevenly cooked due to the uneven cuts. Pheneraxa had obviously taken his warnings to heart and kept it on the heat until even the thicker parts had cooked all the way through, which meant the thinner parts had crisped to unappetizing brown lumps. And, of course, it was all still swimming in grease, which she had not drained at all.

“Anyway,” Pheneraxa said briskly, thankfully setting down her handiwork on the table rather than trying to dump it directly in their plates again, “shopping for supplies is simple. You have scads of money, it’s just a question of where to spend it. It’s only Boisverd where we can’t go, right?”

“Most of the same concerns would apply anywhere in the Evervales,” he said, “and I also can’t go to Rhivaak.”

“What, are you a wanted criminal or something?” she asked, grinning. “I wouldn’t have taken you for the type.”

“I am not the type,” Kaln said very carefully. “I have never committed any crimes in the Rhivaak Empire.” He’d been convicted and sentenced, just hadn’t actually committed any—and after leaving the Empire he’d done some stealing to survive. She didn’t need to know any of that. “It’s…a godling issue. The Nine have made it clear to me, in as many words, that they don’t want any interlopers. Actually with Izayaroa’s backing we might be able to countermand them, but she probably doesn’t want to stir up trouble in Rhivaak and to be perfectly frank, I don’t either. We have enough issues without pissing off nearby gods.”

“All right, fine,” Pheneraxa said dismissively, waving a claw. Kaln took note that she did not seem in a hurry to sample her own cooking. “That’s still not a problem. Don’t you remember we have a portal mage just nearby? Shadrach is actually very powerful—even more so with that staff you gave him, I should think. He can have us in any city in the world in an instant, or in several alternate dimensions. It’s just a matter of selecting a suitable destination. Simple.”

“Okay, hold up,” Kaln protested. “Nothing is simple about involving Shadrach. The only thing more difficult than getting him to agree to help would be having him around while we go shopping!”

“Wait, you guys know Shadrach Meshabedan?” Percy asked.

They both stared at her.

“You know him?” Pheneraxa finally asked.

“Well… I know of him. He’s supposed to be extremely powerful and accomplished for his age—and he decided to move in right next to Dragonvale. That kind of thing gets noticed and reported to the royal family. Also, our Court Mage really hates him.”

“Huh,” the dragon mused. “That’s interesting. I wonder what he did to her?”

“Unless she’s a very agreeable person,” Kaln said dryly, “all he’d need to have done was have a brief conversation with her.”

“Cora is not a very agreeable person,” Percy said seriously. “She’s sarcastic and kind of high-strung. I didn’t dare ask why, she just starts snarling and ranting whenever his name comes up. Can you actually get him to help?”

There came a loud crunch, followed by pained silence. Pheneraxa had just bitten into one of the pieces of toast, black crust and all.

Her expression made everything worth it.

“Well,” said Kaln with a smile, “we’ve got options.”