Bard of the Wild (Chapter 10) (Patreon)

"Alright. I'm just going to come out and say it." I begin, cutting through room's eerie silence. "This is shit puzzle design."

*CLANG*

Oh yeah, that's happening quite often as well.

"Yeah." Linkle agrees with narrowed eyes as she pushes one of the buttons on the panel before her.

There is a pulse of energy up above, a glowing explosion detonating on the ceiling. The hoop corresponding to the button she pushed shoots downwards at high speeds only to meet a metal bar in its path and bounce off with a resounding.

*CLANG*

"Fucking-" I lowly curse as I flip my lever the opposite direction, causing the bar to begin slowly sliding backwards.

After around a second I begin flipping the switch back and forth, this damn thing doesn't have a 'remain in place' function.

Linkle pushes the button again, causing the ring attached to a chain to shoot out. It goes past the pillar and quickly retreats before it can get looped around the metal spire I am controlling.

"THIS IS SO FUCKING ANNOYING!" Linkle roars.

"Tell me about it." I growl as I begin to pull the metal bar back, knowing fully well it has moved too far now.

It doesn't help that it moves at a snails pace.

If it shot across really fast, sure that'd be fucking annoying, but It'd look like it is doable. This is just fucking impossible.

We have been trying this for the past twenty minutes and have only managed to get one hoop- which opened the furthest gate- hooked on the metal pole.

Miss. Miss. Miss. *CLANG* hit, but not in the right way. Miss. Another Miss-

"AAAAHHHHHHH!" The girl shouts. "WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THIS SHITTY DUNGEON?!"

"Just take a deep breath, Linkle." I sigh, eyebrow twitching in violent annoyance. "Just think of the mask that we will be getting at the end of this. The Mask of Truth had more or less a singular room dedicated to it, and it can read minds, grant you the ability to see in darkness, pierce illusions, and see invisible objects... and that vault was more or less shared by the stuff of that ancient Sheikah Hero."

"Wait... What?" Purah questions.

I ignore her question and continue on. "So just think about how powerful this mask must be when it has an entire temple dedicated to it."

The girl's eyes light up. "Oh! That's true! Ooooh I can't wait!"

"Wait wait. Can we go back to that Ancient Sheikah Hero thing?" Purah questions.

"Basically. We entered the vault of Sheik, she was apparently Hyrule's princess at some point, plus we got a bunch of info on some of Hyrule's history that predates the divine beasts."

"W-WHAT?!" Purah shrieks. "What do you MEAN history that predates the creation of the divine beasts?! H-HUH?!"

Her eyes flick over Linkle. "Then... that armor... that is the armor of the legendary Sheik?!"

"I see! I see! That explans so much!" The girl beams as she walks over, pinching at the cloth armor and examining Linkle's midriff more closely. "I was wondering why it was so powerful."

The blonde hero squirms in place, glaring at the Sheikah woman. She lets out a fairly cute growl. "Q-QUIT IT!"

"Purah can you please quit it. You're making this god forsaken puzzle even more difficult." I frown through the glass.

"If you let me examine the armor I'll solve the puzzle right here and now." Purah offers as she pokes Linkle's ribs, her fingers almost sensually caressing the girl's hip as she looks over the various knife sheathes.

"F-Fine!" Linkle blushes. "Hurry up and do it!"

Purah stands, looking over to me. "Set it to go forwards."

She turns to Linkle and grabs her hand, placing her fingers over the three remaining buttons.

She presses down on Linkle's index finger, causing the second hoop to shoot out and come to rest snugly on the slowly moving metal rod

She does it again... then one final time, letting out a satisfied hum as she nods once and goes back to looking over Linkle's armor.

"YOU-" Linkle takes a deep breath, slowly exhaling as her clenched fists slowly unclench. "I'm calm. I'm not mad. I am at peace."

"I'm not." I deadpan before turning to Purah. "YOU COULD HAVE DONE THAT THE ENTIRE FUCKING TIME?!"

"Heh." The woman mischievously huffs. "Yeah."

"Why didn't you?" I seethe.

"Oh, I was busy reading the scrawlings on the wall. This place is quite interesting." The woman smiles brightly. "It predates the creation of the divine beasts by quite a lot. Possibly by thousands of years... that makes it older than the great calamity that happened ten thousand years ago."

"Oh... also the writing did help me confirm a few things about the nature of this place... nooow shall we?"

I let out a long breath, my fists un-balling, my shoulders drooping as I release my annoyance. "Alright. Whatever. I don't care. It doesn't bother me. I'm calm."

"Are you telling us or yourself that?" Purah asks.

"I don't know. What about you, Linkle?" I ask.

"I'm trying to draw my thoughts away from strangulation." She supplies

"hn hn." I nod twice as we step off the platform and begin to slowly walk forwards. "Purah, considering that you have the tri-force of knowledge, PERHAPS you could tell us what the hell we are looking at before we spend hours flailing around randomly in an attempt to find the solution?"

"Hnnn" The girl hums as we make our way through the numerous gates, thinking deeply about my basic request.

Apparently, the death glare both Linkle and I were giving her causes her to speed up her decision making quite a bit as she relents after a short moment. "Fine fine. I'll tell you the basics of each room."

"Alright good." I frown as we come to a large circular room.

The first thing to catch my attention would be the floor, made of checkered tiles of black and white, next, the walls, carved with ancient symbols and markings, images of a time long past, faded and lightly decayed. A strange... chandelier? Sits at the very center of the arched roof, but it appears that is lights have long since died out.

Linkle and I slowly turn to look at Purah.

"Explain, 'Check it' girl." The blonde deadpans.

"This room is actually fairly mundane. You just need to dance with each other." The white haired scientist informs.

"Dance?" I repeat.

"Follow the footsteps that appear on the floor, and the images that appear around you." She nods.

"…"

I look between Purah and the room repeatedly and question again. "Dance?"

"Yes. Dance. the steps apparently change depending on the people wearing the masks, so regardless of whatever you do, it was probably different in the past."

"Ugh." I sigh. "This is going to be a headache."

I slowly walk forwards into the center of the room, adjusting my sun mask so it is covering my face.

With a flash, a figure appears to my left, orange footprints appear on the floor, spiraling outwards slightly. It looks as if it is showing me about ten steps in advance of what I need to do.

Linkle who is a little bit reluctant, walks forward as well.

As we reach the centermost symbol on the ground, a figure of white light appears before us, right next to the figure of orange.

A man and a woman. They stand close together, the man's hand wrapped around the woman's lower back as she has an arm wrapped around his shoulder, their other hands are clutched together. It's frankly a dance you might see at some sort of fancy gala or some sort of-

I stare at the illusion for a long moment. "Wait..."

I turn, looking to Purah who has a mischievous grin.

"Wait. A. Fucking. Second." I growl out.

"Oh? Did you figure it out?" The white haired researcher questions.

"You bitch!" I growl, pointing at her. "Were you not going to tell us that this was a fucking marriage temple?!"

"WHAT?!" Linkle shrieks.

"Ooh. Cat's out of the bag now~" Purah hums.

"You are genuinely unbelievable!" I observe. "What is wrong with you?"

"Oh, come now. I would have stepped in had the next challenges been anything Linkle didn't want to do. Honestly, I don't really care. A several ten thousand year old marriage ritual is not seen as valid in modern Hyrule standards." She shrugs.

I let out a long sigh, rubbing my temples. "Alright. Fuck it. We are already here, and that mask is sure to be powerful.

"Oh, it will be." Purah nods slowly. "I can already tell from looking at the masks you have on now... those are the artifact we are looking for here, it just isn't in its true state... and said true state would be something invaluable for your adventure."

"And said use?" Linkle questions.

Purah looks to me. "You have enhancement spells, correct? The mask will allow you to share your magic with Linkle as you cast it on yourself... with no extra cost."

I pause.

"Holy shit... that's actually pretty fucking good." I whisper under my breath. "Wait... does that mean if I heal myself... Linkle is also healed at the exact same time?! Because that sounds super strong!"

"Perhaps." Purah smiles.

"Fine fine." Linkle scoffs. "I admit, that does sound useful. Possibly more useful as the mask of truth. Let's just get this shit over with."

I can't see her face through the Moon Mask, but I assume she has quite the blush.

But she's right.

Let's just get this over with.

I glance down to the floor and take my spot

Linkle stands before me, glancing down and stepping into the two white footprints beneath her.

I wrap a single arm around her waist as she places one arm around my shoulder.

We both glance to the side, looking to the illusion as it does a single spin.

A quiet melody begins playing in the background as we both glance down.

We take two steps to the left, then a step back, we are forced to twirl-

Linkle trips.

"…"

The music abruptly stops, the floor resetting.

"What is with this fucking temple being tedious and annoying." I growl under my breath.

**Linebreak**

"Linkle. What the fuck?" I question as we both spin across the dance floor. "I thought a key aspect in swordsmanship was footwork. How are you so bad at this?"

"I'm more of a damned archer!" She shoots back. "It'd be better for me if the Master Sword was a Master Crossbow."

"Besides! It's not MY fault this fucking temple seems to want absolute perfection! Nobody's perfect! So why the hell are they expecting our dancing skills to be?!"

We have been at this for over two hours. She's right. This damned temple expecting us to perfect this medieval game of Dance Dance Revolution is fucking infuriating. Even I have messed up a few times.

"It'd help if you actually had some rhythm. But I guess we must suffer for our eventual reward."

"If I had some rhythm?! Bitch! You've messed up as well. Don't give me that shit!"

"Less that you." I shrug as we continue our dance.

"I am a WARRIOR." The blonde growls under her breath. "What use is fucking rhythm?! That's peace time shit. I'll worry about that after the calamity is destroyed."

"Speaking of said calamity... perhaps we should begin to worry about what caused it." I begin as we do one final spin.

Linkle stumbles, causing the rapidly building music which had been growing louder and louder the longer we danced to turn off abruptly.

"FUCKING-" she curses, glaring down at her boots.

We walk back to the starting position as she looks back up at me. "What do you mean caused it?"

"Well, I mean... the origin of it. You don't think it just randomly appeared one day, do you?" I ask as we begin our careful stepping, a gentle melody- that I will be hearing in my nightmares for the days to come- echoing out around us.

"Hm..." The blonde hums. "I... never really gave it much thought. It has always just... been there for me. Its common knowledge that it would eventually return... the great calamity of one thousand years ago only resulted in the sealing of Calamity Ganon."

"So... ten thousand years ago it just popped into existence and took issue with the kingdom of Hyrule?" I ask.

"Nobody knows." She rolls her eyes. "The answer to that question has been lost to time... why do you even care, though? It'll die if we kill it, right?"

"I'm just worried because... that seems far too easy." I continue. "Typically, vile curses like that... don't have such a simple solution... or, if it does, they are typically a side effect of something else that is happening."

"A side effect?" She echoes.

"Like, for instance, the creation of Calamity Ganon could have come from a ritual or something to create a new evil god. We could kill Calamity Ganon, but that god will still be out there... or, Calamity Ganon could be a result of something's dark power. Like something truly powerful is sealed and its power is slowly leaking out as said seal is weakening."

Linkle locks eyes with me as I lead her through the steps. "That... couldn't be right, could it?"

"Just paranoid suspicion, really. From what I saw of Calamity Ganon as it flew about in the air, locked in Hyrule's Castle, it appeared... Incorporeal. Ethereal. Ghostly... and ghosts are typically formed when someone dies in a truly gruesome and violent manner. Or they have unfinished business. Those are typically quite hard to deal with."

We continue past our earlier point, doing another spin.

"How do you deal with them?" She questions.

"Well, that's the thing. Some die like the rest, others reform. The easiest way to end an unruly ghost's life... is to make it lose meaning for being here." I hum.

"So, just kill it really hard?" She asks.

"That works." I note. "That can be plan A. we can figure the rest out later."

My eyes glance to the hologram as I let out a small mental scream at what it seems to want me to do.

I take a step forwards and gently shove Linkle back, holding her up with my arm as I dip her down.

She glances to the side as I do.

The two illusionary figures kiss.

Oh you have got to be-

Linkle abruptly grabs my collar and pulls me down, our masks clacking together.

The music is replaced by a chorus of applause. The sole spotlight which had shined down upon us widens, lighting the room up. A stone gate on the other side of the room begins to slowly grind open as the double doors are slowly shoved outwards.

She lets out a long breath as I casually stop supporting her, allowing her to fall to the floor.

She glares up at me, but I just simply sit down as well, letting out a long, weary sigh as I shift my mask off my face. "That was fucking exhausting."

"Yeah." She agrees, doing the same.

"So. You totally kissed me there. There was like... zero hesitation at all." I smirk. "Did my enchanting personality and looks finally allow me to work my way into your heart."

"Enchantingly awful, sure." She snorts.

"Ah. I knew you were in Awe." I smirk. "My personality is truly Awe-full~ full of so much awe."

"Enchantingly bad." She tries again.

"I've heard that some women like bad boys. Is this perhaps true with you as well?"

"Enchantingly... fuck you." The girl growls as she flops back onto her back, closing her eyes so the lights above don't blind her. "I'm too tired to bruise your ego. Do it yourself."

"Ow. My feelings. Oh, woe is me, bullied by the princess' bodyguard of two left feet." I dramatically announce.

"These two left feet of mine are about to kick the shit out of you if you keep sassing me, tone deaf bard." She scoffs.

"To answer your question. We had masks on. Plus, I wasn't about to go through another fucking hour of this shit." The girl explains with a couple tired breaths, she seems to have finally gotten her breathing under control. Our little groove was quite vibrant, requiring a lot of movement and endurance, so it has almost completely tired the both of us out after trying continuously for an hour, let alone more than two. "If the illusions told me to press my mask against yours. I don't care if normally that'd be a kiss. I'll press my mask against yours just as long as we don't have to keep on dancing."

My gaze strays around the room, finally noting a mysterious lack of our resident white-haired scientist.

"Where the hell did Purah get off to?" I ask, causing Linkle to join me in looking around the empty room.

As if summoned, said white haired woman walks into the room without so much as an ounce of fanfare. "Oh? Have you finally done it?"

"Yeah." I nod once as I slowly get to my feet. "So, onto the next part?"

I reach down, offering a hand to Linkle who takes it, allowing herself to be pulled to her feet.

"Yeah, whatever." She shrugs. "Might as well see what we have to do... I'm personally betting its going to be super tedious and annoying."

"Considering the last two trials?" I question. "Yeah. Probably."

We make our way through the new path, following an ancient hallway that leads deeper and deeper into the mountain.

Eventually we come to another double door, this one with two hand prints, one orange, and one white.

I step forwards and place my left hand on the left door, as Linkle steps forwards and puts her right hand on the right door.

We shove the doors open, after hearing a quiet click from in the floor, our masks apparently unlocking whatever mechanism keeping this door shut.

A new room greets us, smaller than the one we had just previously come from.

Numerous glowing hand and foot prints barely light up the room as stone tables, seats and other furniture sit randomly across it. Seemingly, there is no rhyme or reason for their placement.

"…"

I slowly look to Purah.

"Hey, Aurum... it's a little dark, can you give me another light?" Linkle questions.

Ah. That's right. My spell did end back while we were dancing. Wow. We've been in here quite a while... probably around three or four hours at this point. "Hm? Oh. Sure, let me just-"

"Linkle, I think it's about time I replace you in this challenge." Purah begins.

"Pardon?" The blonde blinks.

As the three of us step through the archway leading into the new room... the sun and moon mask begin glowing.

The two masks float from our bodies, becoming two floating balls of light that steadily rise up to the center of the room.

The glow is nearly blinding for a moment, then a pulse of magic seems to explode from the masks.

"Oh... Oh dear." Purah sighs as the wave washes over us. "Maybe I spoke a bit too late."

"What?" I question as I turn to look at the white haired woman. "What is it?"

I blink several times as I notice that she is glowing...

Linkle is glowing...

I am glowing.

Or rather, my clothes.

*Poof*

Oh...

Oh dear.

My clothes... which are now gone.

"EEEK-" Linkle shrieks.

"Well. Fuck." I blandly curse as I take stock of my missing things.

Shoes. Gone. Pants and underwear. Gone. Shirt. Gone.

Sword? Check.

Bag of holding... also check.

"W-WHAT THE HELL?!" Linkle shrieks. "WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES?!"

It seems she's missing everything but the Sheikah Slate... Purah is in a similar state.

"Ah... yes. This was what I was worried of when I learned that this temple was used to perform a 'union ritual'. I had thought that this sort of thing would have come after a 'wedding' of sorts... but this was my foolishness in assuming that the Hyrule of tens of thousands of years ago had the same concept of 'marriage' as we do. There was surely an understanding between a man and a woman that they are to be together but... Marriage perhaps wouldn't be the correct term. This temple is more of a... sex temple than a marriage one."

"…"

"…"

My eyes slowly turn to Linkle as she covers her body with her arms, then to Purah who doesn't really seem bothered by her nudity.

"Alright. Purah what the fuck." I sigh. "Anyways, Linkle. I have night vision. Want me to create a light so we are all allowed to ogle each other in an equalized environment... or, should I just keep it to myself.

"S-STOP LOOKING AT ME YOU PERVERT!" Linkle shouts, sounding horrified.

"Alright. I'll look at Purah then." I snort with a small eye roll.

She crosses her arms under her bust, making her chest look slightly larger. There's a small smirk on her lips.

"Nice." I whisper, causing her smile to grow.

Purah's eyes glow slightly as she seems to peer around the room, her eyes widen slightly. "oh... oh shit."

She seems to pause briefly. Seemingly thinking deeply on something.

"So... what now?" I ask, looking around the room.

"W-W-What does this place want us to do..." Linkle stutters. "S-Surely... I-it doesn't want us to- o-oh no..."

Linkle's face is a beat red that seems to extend beyond her face and extend down her pointed ears.

Linkle looks in my vague direction and audibly gulps. Her eyes dart around the darkness, seemingly deep in her thoughts.

She lets out a long sigh. "Purah. It's... sort of my fault that we are here. The second that I heard that this was some sort of marriage temple... I should have turned around and walked away. But I was blinded by greed. I'll... take this burden."

Oh, she's about to take this burden.

"Alright. Stop. Stop." I wave suddenly. "Purah. What is the solution to... this."

I gesture forwards to the two glowing orbs floating in the air.

Actually, those are producing a little light, so it's probably not as dark as I think.

I look to Linkle, who is looking in my direction, her eyes trailing down my body, she bites her lip slightly in nervousness.

"It is... complicated. You must do numerous lewd acts to transform the sun and moon mask into its true form... the Couple's Mask. These acts range from hand job, to full on vaginal creampie sex.

"W-Wait... what?" Linkle whispers.

"So, it seems I was wrong again." Purah announces. "It is not a sex temple... it is a breeding temple."

Ah.

Ah shit.

That takes a lot of the wind out of my sails.

"So," The white haired researcher continues. "It would be better for me to take that risk... as you cannot save Hyrule while pregnant. If I am lucky, there is a chance that I won't get impregnated... it looks like I'll be forced to take said chance."

"Wait. Is the whole mask fusion thing tied directly to impregnation or do I just need to cum in you? Ugh. This is like a bad erotic novel plot." I question, scoffing the last bit under my breath.

Purah ponders for a moment. "Your semen. In my womb. That is the requirement. But I don't have anything that could necessarily put a stop to fertilization on me, so..."

I let out a quiet sigh and begin sifting through my bag. "I have something."

'Good thing I left that one quest reward pending.'

I quietly purchase... eight thousand gold worth of woman contraceptives, 'Nararoot'

Roughly three hundred pounds worth of what looks like Liquorice root fills my bag of holding. It is cut into three-inch segments, and, if my math is correct... this bag is now full of about fifty thousand little pieces of this 'Nararoot.'

I pull out a single piece of it and cast light on it, causing basically everyone to shield their eyes briefly.

Linkle lets out a small squeak, seeing her body now on full display. "This... is Nara root. Chew it for about an hour and you shouldn't get pregnant."

Purah's eyes flick from the little root, to my body, trailing downwards. "Hn. Nice. There's a difference between knowing and seeing."

Her eyes flick back to the little plant I am holding out towards her, eyes glinting briefly as the tri-force of knowledge glows brightly on the back of her hand. "Huh? I... have never seen that plant before... where did you get that?"

"Found it." I shrug.

Just before Purah can take the Nararoot. Linkle snatches it from my hand, I am left genuinely dumbfounded as she casts a jealous glance at Purah and puts part of the three-inch segment into her mouth.

She stiffens abruptly, hands shaking as she now looks ghastly pale.

Her shoulders shake slightly as she tries desperately to keep the stick in her mouth despite how genuinely unpleasant it seems to taste.

I dispel the light spell, so it isn't literally blinding her and cast it again on the floor.

"Linkle... are you... jealous?" Purah questions.

"Mnn-nnn" the blonde growls as she shakes her head.

"Anyways." I begin casually as I reach into my bag and pull out a second. "Purah. You've been messing with us this entire time. Making us do tedious bullshit when you, with my power, could have easily solved basically all of our problems. You're attractive. Let's fuck. Sound fair?"

She looks over the root for a long moment, then lets out a low hum. "Hn. Alright. I will admit... it has been quite some time since I have lain with anyone... due to my earlier advanced age and all... then the fact I was trapped in a six year old body for about six months... but now that it has been fixed, as a result of your power, I admit, so perhaps I should... reward you for your help?"

A sultry smile works its way onto her face as she takes slow meandering steps forwards, swaying her hips, her bust bouncing slightly with each step. She takes a piece of the Nararoot and puts it in her mouth.

Her smile robotically freezes, her face twitching.

She takes it out briefly. "This plant has a... unique... flavor."

"it's meant to be boiled into tea but using it in this manner makes its effects more potent and long-lasting." I admit. "Plus, we don't exactly have a tea set on us, do we?"

"Touche." She relents as she walks to a nearby bench and takes a seat.

And... in the next hour I'm going to be banging two incredibly attractive elven women. Basic Isekai goals... check! And I've only had to almost die like... several times! Totally worth it!

**Linebreak**

I sit, back against the wall, boredly staring upwards, merely just counting the seconds away.

I look to Purah who is sat nearby, her knees brought up to her chest, squishing her bust as she boredly sucks on the stick of Nararoot

She glances over and offers a silent wave as she sees me staring.

Linkle is across the room, hiding behind an overturned stone bench, not so subtly staring at me.

It's as if a switch has been flipped inside of her.

Gone is the blushing and stuttering girl who despises basically everything every time I mention something vaguely lewd. Now, she is a blushing jealous woman who has been in numerous near-death experiences- after she has already died a virgin once, that is, and isn't planning on repeating that a second time- while also being flirted at by her highly attractive- a guy with a charisma stat that is four times an average 'ten' if my earlier past life closer look at strength stat to carry weight correlation was correct and also applied to other stats- traveling companion who has also almost lain down his life for her on several occasions...

Yeah.

I can see how she might be just the sliiiiightest bit sexually repressed. Just a little. Only a smidge. I can only hope and pray that this awakens something in the girl. That'd be fun. Then I can be less subtle with my groping.

My gaze shifts upwards, to the two glowing orbs hanging up in the air, tinting the room in orange and white light. Nothing has changed.

I fold my hands in my lap and return to silently waiting.

My eyes stray to the side as Purah slowly rises to her feet, she takes the contraceptive root from her mouth and tosses it aside. "Alright. That should be more than enough time. Noooow. Aurum... when we first met you asked me if I would show you what I have learned over these past one hundred years... correct?"

A smirk slowly forms on my face.