Sêlf install (Patreon)

Sir, just to remind you, the service is self-install, that's why the company is doing free installs. It's a 2-hour job, but your allocated 4 hours just in case your lack of experience and understanding doesn't quite get you there with all your services up and running.

They never mentioned self install, they said free install, but fine, you get the wired and shit to my house and ill connect it all up.

Sir, it's fully self install, you need to do it all, the can't laying under the pavement, the digging under your drive, the can't work attaching it to your house and hiding as much as possible, connecting your Tvs your broadband and every device you need to be connected to the network, your new land line and mobile phone. It's all got to be done by you.

Mate, I haven't got a clue how to do all that. I wouldn't of signed up to your whizzy fizzy dizzy (as your advert puts it ) services if I knew I had to do it my self. Besides, I wouldn't have a clue about digging holes and stuff.

You don't need to know a thing, it's all up here in my head.

So if it's in your head, how am I supposed to know how to do it?

You haven’t read the small print have you? You’ll know exactly how to do it because you’ll have all my knowledge and experience in your head, well technically my head.

How are you going to get your knowledge into my head.

Simple, you’ll have my head, for the next 4 hours you will have my body and my mind.

I didn’t sign up for this. I don’t want your body or mind, I want you to do it for me.

I can’t you’ve signed up for self install, here will be a charge if you don’t do it.

Why would anyone agree to this service?

Loads of people agree to it.

Even if I was aware of this process why would I want your body? Your grubby hands, your ginger hair, your dirty sweaty clothes and your tattoos.

My hair is blonde, my hands I can wash before you take possession and my clothes aren’t dirty and I’m not sweaty. Why wouldn’t you want my body, muscles beefeyness. All the women love it. It’s only temporary sir, we swap back after exactly 4 hours, sooner if your done early.

Fine, I suppose I’ve got no choice, how do we do it?

Oh it’s easy there’s a device in the van. It swaps over our consciousness, neither of us feel a thing. I just hit a few buttons and bam your me.

Fine, don’t bother washing your hands, I’ll wash them, at least I’ll know they are clean.

Moments later I was sat in the van and he had pressed the buttons and I was him. I instantly regretted it. Sure, we’re all human all have the same bits but it got me worrying, what if he injured my body while he was me? What if I needed to pee or eat. And what was the smell? The smell was him, rather me. A pleasant smell to be fair but it was cologne, sweat mixed with a bit of oil and mud. I didn’t bother washing my hands, I just put on a pair of gloves, they looked cleaner than his hands but they were his gloves but at least I wouldn’t be getting MY house grubby. Now I was him I knew exactly what the policies were, he left in MY body with MY car, free to enjoy the next 4 hours however he wanted and I got to work installing my own services. I didn’t even think about the fact I was in his body until I finished an hour early. Policy said I was to contact him to come back but instead I headed to the bedroom to explore my borrowed body some more.