Heading Off the Problem (Patreon)

“U-Uh, sir? If I may, uh… my eyes are down here…”

The balding man that had been staring at Bran’s neck started and his eyes flicked down to her eyes. “My bad, missy. I’ve jus’ never seen one-a yer kind before… what’re ya called again? A dullard… dunban… deckhard… uuuuuh…”

Bran forced a smile on her face. “A dullahan.”

“Right! That!” The oblivious drunk man yelled out. He leaned in across the bar, the scent of whiskey strong on his breath. “How’s yer body work like this, huh? Like, when ya eat, how’s it go from here to there? An’ if I was ta touch ya, would ya feel it jus’ like someone else?”

Ooooh, these types of customers always made Bran so uncomfortable! But he was a regular, and boss would be and if she offended him, so she needed to stay calm and professional! Bran suppressed her discomfort and tried to respond naturally, “I-I don’t know the specifics, sorry. I j-just know that my head and body are still connected even if not by a neck. S-Sorry.”

“Eeeeeeh?” The drunk said obstinately. He sank back into his seat and scoffed, “Wel, tha’s no fun! How d’ya not even know how yer own body works? PEH!”

A trickle of sweat ran down Bran’s back as she watched the shabby-looking businessman down his tenth shot of the night. Based on past experiences, this should be his limit for the night, so if Bran could last for just a liiiitle bit longer…

A flutter of clothing and a rush of wind came from behind Bran. Then she heard boss’ voice. “Honey, I appreciate your patronage, but don’t you think you’re being a bit rude to my precious employee?”

“Wha’? But I’m not doin’ nothin’ wrong! I’m jus’-”

“Take the hint and leave while you still have all your blood, young man~.”

The (not at all young) man gulped. He pulled out his wallet, fumbled with his money for a few seconds, then just put a random wad of cash on the bar before stumbling out of the bar as quickly as he could.

A gentle hand patted the back of Bran’s head. “Are you alright, Branwen dear? I’m so sorry about him. Let me know the next time he comes in and I’ll give him a very strict talking-to about respecting a woman’s body in front of everyone. Does that sound fair?”

Bran quickly shifted her head around, letting herself see her boss. She gently shook her head from side to side. “No, no! Th-There’s no need for that! He d-didn’t hurt me, so it’s fine! Really!”

Boss sighed and sat down, resting her chin on a clawed hand. She was a beautiful woman, with long, silky black hair, pale skin, blood-red lips and eyes, and a thin figure. She had a denim jacket on with torn-up bottoms and shades on, so she looked really cool, too. She was a real in-your face-woman that Bran respected a lot. She also seemed to respect Bran’s ‘condition’ more than other people did. Maybe it was because she was a vampire? Or maybe she was just a very respectful person? Either way, Bran loved having her as a boss, so anything she could do to make her bar more successful…

“Branwen…” boss started, “You need to start standing up for yourself more. How many times this week has someone made a fuss about your body?”

Twenty-nine times. “I-It’s not a big deal! I’m used to it, s-so…”

Boss just stared at Bran for a second, then let out another deep sigh. “Well, I can’t force you to open up, honey. Just let me know if you want to talk.”

The dullahan drooped as boss sauntered away. She sniffled as she started cleaning the shot glasses the rude drunkard has used. She’d made boss worry again. She hated doing that! She needed to become a more dependable person so that she could live life without making others worry! First and foremost, that meant becoming a competent barkeep who could deal with rowdy customers! Boss’ bar was a great place and most of the regulars were good people that respected Bran, but she needed to be able to deal with the people that didn’t on her own! Like a responsible and independent person!

A small pinch inside Bran made her freeze. She would become a responsible and independent person after a quick bathroom break. Definitely.

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The bathroom was so cold! Bran shivered as she washed her hands, careful not to make any splashes since her face was at hand-level. She looked at herself in the mirror and sighed. She was nothing like boss. She had a plain figure and just couldn’t pull off that ‘cool beauty’ look. She was a bit on the thick side too since she’d done a lot of physical jobs and she had to keep her black hair short so that she could keep a good grasp on her head when holding it. She also had a thin tendril of pale blue flame rising out of her neck thanks to being a dullahan. That put a lot of people off, too. Her head was currently settled into a leather harness that held it just below her bust, which freed up her hands to work and function, but also made her feel uneasy since it wasn’t safely in her hands.

Still… Bran couldn’t be too hard on herself. She couldn’t help how she looked or what she needed to do to be able to work. She just needed to have a bit more confidence in herself! Her boss was confident, her friends were confident, her family was confident - Bran just needed to be confident too! Yeah! It was all fine!

*SNAP!*

Bran jumped as warm water splashed onto her face. She stumbled back and realized that she was still holding the handle to the sink. What? Why? AH! THE SINK! There was water going everywhere! The bar had naturally low water pressure, so it wasn’t a geyser or anything - WAIT, WHY  WAS BRAN BEING SO CALM ABOUT THIS!? THE SINK! WATER! EVERYWHERE! AAAAAAH!

“What do I do what do I do what do I do what do I do what do I-” Bran stammered as she wildly looked around the bathroom. She needed to turn off the water! The handle- WAS OFF IN HER HAND! FUDGE! Then- Then- Then- the main water valve! She needed to go to that! But she also needed to stop the water! It was going EVERYWHERE! The bathrooms had tile, but the rest of the bar had nice wooden floors! She couldn’t let it get flooded! She needed to block the water off with something! ANYTHING!

Bran tried to cram the broken faucet full of paper towels, but they got pushed right out. Her hands also didn’t do the job - plus she needed to leave to turn off the water. She needed something to put the water in while she turned off the valve! Something-

AH!

Bran pulled her head from its harness and carefully lowered it, mouth first, onto the broken faucet. She latched onto the faucet and shut her lips tight around it, not letting any water escape. Her cheeks quickly puffed out with water and threatened to force her lips apart, but she swallowed. Yes! This would work! Now her body could go deal with the valve! Quickly now!

Bran navigated her body out of the bathroom by touch, then started to feel her way down the hall. Dullahans could be separated from their body for hundreds of miles without any issues, so a quick trip down the hall was nothing. She was pretty sure she knew where the main water valve was. She just needed to guide herself to it without sight.

Warm water continued to flow into Bran’s mouth, making her need to swallow over and over again. She was starting to feel a little full from all this water, but she couldn’t stop! The bathroom floor was almost completely covered in water from how long she had panicked earlier! She couldn’t let a single drop escape the bathroom! Not one!

Bran winced and nearly spat out a mouthful of water as her toe hit something. Had Harold left something in the hall again? Dang it! Bran could walk around alright headless if she knew the layout of a place, but the bar was never safe since Harold kept leaving his junk around! She’d need to go slower so that she didn’t end up hurting herself now!

Going slower might not be an option, though. Bran grunted as a small cramp passed through her stomach. She’d never felt so full before! She could feel her belly rumbling and sloshing as she slowly walked towards where she thought the water valve was.

Ooooh, it was starting to hurt a little from being so tight! Bran’s eyes glazed over as she focused entirely on her body, urging it to go faster despite whatever hazards Harold might have left around. She put a hand to her belly and her heart skipped a beat. It was so round! If she didn’t know better, she might’ve thought she still had her head nestled there beneath her chest. And was that a breeze? Her lower belly felt cold! Her work shirt was sliding up her bloated belly! She was so humiliated! She couldn’t let the customers see her like this! She needed to get the water off, NOW!

Bran’s body found the end of the hall and went to the right. She needed the basement, which was… here! Bran opened the basement door and, fighting the urge to rush, slowly lowered her body down the flight of stairs. She groaned mournfully as her gut wobbled with each step she took, her skin feeling taut as a drum. Just a bit more, Bran! Almost there! You can do it!

Finally, she was down! She quickly worked her way around the edge of the basement, ignoring the dull pains of her feet and legs bumping into things while carefully protecting her tense middle, until - YES! Her hands had found the water valve! Now she just had to-

Uuuh… how did a water valve work again?

Time to panic. Again.

Bran’s head wobbled in place, freaking out as best it could while still keeping every single trickle of water going down into her pained belly. She was so DUMB! How could she forget that she didn’t even know how a water valve worked!? She’d seen it on TV, but she’d never DONE it! CRAP! CRAPCRAPCRAP! What was she going to do? She couldn’t let boss’ bar get ruined, but she was too full! She was going to POP!

The dullahan’s body bent over as she clutched her aching belly. Ooooh, she didn’t feel very good… She was cramping all over and her skin felt hot to the touch, like a giant hot water balloon. Had the water been heating up while she’d been drinking? SHe’d been too preoccupied to notice. Her belly didn’t even slosh around anymore either. It was too full. It was just a giant orb she could feel sticking out of her middle. How big was she now?

A sharp spike of pressure surged all over Bran’s tight belly. She cried out and felt her face flush red. This was it! It was too much! She was going to EXPLODE! Too much water! Ah-! AAAAH-!

The water stopped.

Bran froze for a minute. Then, her whole being collapsed. Her body slumped down onto its knees, cradling her poor belly, while her head released the broken handle and rolled into the sink. Luckily, the drain was working, so the sink wasn’t full of water. Bran moaned softly as she gingerly rubbed her taut skin, trying to soothe it. Her lips and jaw were also sore from clenching so tightly for so long, but her belly was more than enough of a distraction from some minor soreness.

After a couple more minutes, the bathroom door opened. There was some small splashing, then Bran felt her head getting lifted out of the sink’s basin. Her watery eyes shut to stop the room from spinning until she felt the world stabilize around her. She opened her eyes.

“...H-Hi… *HIC* boss…”

Boss just stared at Bran for a second. Then she let out an exasperated sigh and slowly shook her head. “Oh, Branwen… what am I going to do with you…?”

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The walk home was long, arduous, and painful. Bran had explained what had happened and what she’d tried to do as best she could, and had felt bad about it until boss had pointed out that she could have just called for help. That had made Bran feel even worse. What a night…

Obviously, Bran couldn’t work as she was, so boss had given her the rest of the night off. She’d nearly had a heart attack once her stomach had settled enough for her to sluggishly walk her body out of the basement (with boss’ help). Her belly was MASSIVE! She had already felt that it was big, but she hadn’t thought it was THIS big! She could easily pass for being pregnant! Or even double pregnant!

Twins. She was looking for the term ‘pregnant with twins’. Crud.

Bran moaned as she held her poor tummy. She didn’t know how long she would feel this big and bloated, but she hoped that it would go away soon. It hurt so much, and she needed to pee so badly. It didn’t help that her harness was pressing her head so tightly into her belly, putting extra pressure everywhere. Plus, with her head where it was, she could feel every single rumble, tremor, and spasm that passed through her belly on the back of her neck as she walked. Uuuuuugh, her poor, poor tummy…

Finally, she made it to her apartment building. She stumbled through the lobby and just barely made it into the elevator before it shut. After stumbling through town like this alone (Harold had the night off and boss needed to work the bar), Bran was beyond caring if a few people saw her. Still, it was a little embarrassing when her next-door neighbor was the one in the elevator with her.

Her neighbor pressed the button for their floor, then looked Bran up and down. “So… fun night, huh?”

Bran’s face went fully red. “P-Please don’t ask… I-It was an accident…”

“That’s one hell of an accident to have,” The lady chuckled. “But hey, no worries! I don’t mind seeing a food baby like that at all!” The elevator creaked as Bran’s large neighbor shifted her weight. “Y’know, now that I think about it, we’ve never actually talked, have we? What was your name again? Brandon? Bonnie?”

“B-Branwen - *HIC-URP*” Bran felt her belly try and exit through her mouth with that one. She groaned and rubbed her exposed tummy. “B-Bran is fine, though. And you were…?”

The woman smiled, exposing some extra-long canines that hid themselves in her gums. A long, flickering tongue showed itself between said teeth. She held out a hand. “Cass. Pleased to officially meet you~.”

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And it all ties together! Except for Thistle. She's doing her own thing somewhere. 

Branwen is an accident-prone dullahan, which I think will lead to a lot of fun situation~. I don't wanna go too crazy with that and going into a bunch of kink-logic scenarios like 'trips and falls onto garden hose' and junk like that (which I kinda really dislike in writing and comics), but I'll still have some fun with it~.

This'll be the last of the monster gal fics for the time being, methinks. I still wanna do a TON more with even more monstrous ladies and with returning favs, but I also wanna get back to doing some regular human stuff for those of y'all that prefer that. I'll see about keeping the whole of next month monster-free, or with just one.

In other news, I MIGHT actually be posting a short soon! Wild, I know. It depends on when I manage to finish the exclusive fic. The exclusive, as usual, will be up on the last of the month.

Oh, and in poll news, I think that I'll try to post it on the first of next month regardless of if my IRL life has stabilized or not by then. So that'll be a thing too!