Handbook of Erotic Fantasy: Second Round (Patreon)

“As part of your onboarding process, I’m going to ask you a few standard questions. How old is your character?”

“By the reckoning of the prime material plane, I’m schlorp-lick-mmmm—.”

“Are your parents still alive?

“I’m not comfortable discussing my parents right at this mfff-shplorch-lap-lap-lap—.”

“Uh-huh. Got it. If one or both of your parents are dead when and how did they die?”

“Shclap-smack-mphmm-lick was the last thing I heard before I passed out. The portal was gone when I came to. I’m still not sure how I made it out alive.”

“You’d be surprised how common that is. Who raised you after your parents died?”

“The order of the suck-whimper-moan-mmMMMMph-ouch. Seriously ouch. You don’t skip leg day, do you?”

“These thighs crush orc skulls. Do you have any siblings?”

“Once again, kind of weird to discuss my long-lost lap-lap-lick-lick-sphmurch right now. Especially after the night of the erf-mrff-lap-like. I still cannot bear to be alone in the small hours when the moon is on the wane. Can we move on?”

“I think we have all we need on that score, yes. Is your character married?”

“I’d have expected that question before you inspected my tongue for piercings. Fortunately, it so happens that I’m numph-armfurd.”

“Does your character have children?”

“No.”

“Would you like to?”

“I sincerely hope that is not a requirement of the jrmm. Umph, urm-uhrm.”

“What social class is your character from?”

“Ishf-unff eeg. Ffff oomph with a certain dignity and grace. It’s amazing what circles you can rruunph-errn.”

“How has your upbringing affected your world view?”

“I can safely say that it’s grrnf-ma’en-apeeerccn for the job. There’s not much sermphan in the world. But a clean kill and the reassuring weight of gold in yer-ken-pooush helps a fellow carry on.”

“How did your character get started in his chosen class?”

“One does what one can to gehh-buhhy. Take a little shronaahm-jmphb here. A couple of seuhr-ee-omp there. Work private contracts for a time, prove yourself loyal and discreet, and suddenly the powers that be are infurm-umm-err earity. I’ve certainly found that it beats begging fer-ooin on street corners.”

“Does your character have any heroes or inspirational figures?”

“At the moment, I count pearl divers, mermaids, and marine mammals amongst my role models. Wonderful their ability to hold a breath.”

“Does your character have any significant personal items?”

“I try not to let myself get tied down tooom-errrermph-lick-ings.”

“Is your character religious?”

“Recently converted, in point of fact. There must be a juft-n-lap-lap-eity-hoovemp  permitting me to survive this er-ernern arr-gompn thus far.”

“What is your character’s view on magic?”

“Arr-lly ish-amf ouud tag in an unseen servant right about now.”

“Has your character ever been arrested? What for?”

“Let’s mph-ar ownmp non-voting felon and move on with our lives. I still want you to re-fec me in the morning.”

“Has your character ever crossed anyone?”

“Oh afo-lo-lumphly. But you can trust me when I say mph-ey oh fee mph-offem.”

“Does your character have any enemies?”

“Lap.”

“What are your character’s goals in life?”

“Lap lap lap.”

“How important is… How important is…?”

“Lap lap lap lap.”

“Where… Where… WhooooOOOOOOOere did your character learn or train their skills?”

“BA in linguistics at community college. Care to show me to my desk now?”

“Cigarettes first.”