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Bard’s Big Fucking Bestiary: BBEGs

There is no such thing as a “standard” BBEG. One is as likely to encounter ravening dragons or fallen angels as scheming queens. The implications for a practiced fucksman are obvious: One cannot rely upon species or physiology in the name of conquest. To be sure, you may reference earlier entries in this guide to tailor your particular approach to bedding your particular BBEG. However, in my (very) extensive experience, there are certain psychological factors that will serve you and your end-game inamorata in good stead. 

Seduction

Your BBEG already already has sycophants and servants by the score. Wealth and power are likewise a given. They may even possess powerful lust-inducing enchantments, and if so are rarely shy about employing them. It is therefore safe to assume that the target of your affections has no shortage of would-be lovers. That in turn means the first and most important step in seduction lies in simply getting noticed. And nothing sets a BBEG’s heart racing like foiling their evil schemes. 

This may seem counterintuitive, but rest assured that it is fact. No self-respecting BBEG is interested in bedding a 1st-level scrub newly returned from slaying rats in the tavern basement. Rather, their interest is piqued when that first loyal lieutenant turns up dead. “Who is this upstart,” they inquire, “That dares to rise and oppose me?” From this point it will not be long before you find yourself bound and shackled and heading towards your lover’s lair. 

Congratulations. You’ve got an in. 

Love Making

Do you know what BBEGs and BDSM have in common? Both deal in the dance of power… as well as whips and chains. Let us assume that you’ve managed to talk your way out of immediate summary execution. That means you are most likely prostrate before your lover, hands bound and flesh vulnerable. In this moment, nothing sets a wicked heart racing quite like defiance. There is no BBEG alive (or undead) who can resist taming a brat. 

As you are pounded into orgiastic oblivion, keep your wits about you. Continue to offer the occasional morsel of snark, no matter how much you might prefer to lay back and enjoy the moment. Classic lines include the following: 

• Is that the best you’ve got? 

• Your power is nothing!

• Good will always triumph over the forces of evil.

• Why don’t you call in your henchmen if you can’t finish me off yourself?
  

Romance

There are two possible roads to romance with a BBEG. The first lies in the classic enemies-to-lover angle, and is widely considered the “good ending.” Yet in my experience, it is entirely too much work to be worth your while. You must escape your bonds, reverse the power dynamic, and give your love a good hard redemption arc. Far too much foreplay for a busy bard! 

Instead, I recommend falling to temptation. When your BBEG asks you to join the “winning side,” simply put on the spiky undergarments and skull-themed lingerie. With a little obsequious fawning and a dash of fanatical loyalty, you can be sure to fan the flames romance. From there you can always opt to betray and usurp your BBEG in turn, trading roles back and forth as the mood strikes.