HOW TO EAT LIKE CRAP WHEN YOU'RE A VEGETARIAN (Patreon)

I seem to be the last person anyone expects to be a vegetarian. Heck, it even feels weird to me, writing that sentence down. I don't think of myself as a vegetarian. I don't really think about it at all. I simply stopped eating meat, back in January. 

That said, part of the reason I've not mentioned it more is because I know that vegetarians - particularly vegans - do have a tendency to get a bit preachy. I remember when my youngest daughter and her best friend first became vegan. I mean, they didn't shut up about it. Ever. 

For some people it does become an identity. And I speak from experience; the one other time I tried to be vegetarian, I was 14 or 15, and I lasted about six months, and I only did it so that I could tell people I was a vegetarian. Chips and Pot Noodles do not a healthy, balanced, diet make. 

But really, it's more how others perceive you. Unfortunately, in certain quarters, not eating meat equates to being, y'know, a radicalised tree-hugger. And a twat.

So, I've not really spoken about it publicly. In fact, it hasn't even crossed my mind to talk about it publicly, aside from a few times I've shared some new food I've found on Twitter.

Technically, I'm pescatarian. I do eat seafood, occasionally. Mostly prawns or squid. I hope to stop that too at some point. And yeah, I'm not vegan. I wish I was, and I think I will give it a go sooner or later, but baby steps. 8 months and counting of what I am doing is a milestone I thought I'd never reach, and now I don't think I can go back.

I'd been wanting to give up meat for ages. Sanja was vegan when I met her - which is a challenge, because she also has a gluten intolerance - and she was never preachy about it. Like me, she doesn't care if other people want to eat meat. That's their business. 

My main reason for wanting to do it is - and I'm not going to talk about it much, due to allergy-to-being-preachy reasons - is global warming. I can't remember which documentary convinced me (probably Cowspiracy), but the meat industry, more than any other, even air travel, is what's boiling the planet. 

Even though I had that intention there, I still didn't think I could do it. Most people who know me considered me practically carnivorous. Certainly as a kid I didn't like vegetables, but that's mainly because my mother would buy horrible boil-in-the-bag carrots, and stuff like that, and force me to eat them. I used to shove my vegetables down the back of the sofa, and one day she served up a plate full of weeks' worth of mouldy veg that I'd hidden.

I've gotten a lot better as I've gotten older, and since I met Sanja - who really knows how to cook veg - I wouldn't say I'm anti-vegetables at all. I don't like all of them; broccoli and cabbage can get lost. And I'll still take a lettuce leave out of a burger, because that big stem bit in the middle ruins the taste. I love asparagus, I love the way Sanja cooks peas. I can eat spinach and kale and mushrooms until it's oozing out of my ears. 

Nonetheless, the label stuck. Just the same as my family have inexplicably got it into their heads that I don't like gravy. I love gravy! Yet any time we'd go for a Sunday roast at my parents' house it'll be "Paul doesn't want gravy".

I digress, but bottom line: it wasn't that I don't like vegetables, just that I liked meat more. A lot more.

MEAT ME IN ST. LOUIS

Steaks. Burgers. Bacon. Chicken wings. All of it. Pork belly. Never thought I could say goodbye to all that. Not ever. But I wanted to. So I gave myself last Christmas as a final hurrah, with the promise to myself that I'd give it a go in January. And I did... and it stuck. I can't imagine ever going back now. 

So, I thought I'd share with you how I did it, in the event that any of you might be considering a change. 

Here's what worked for me:

Firstly, I told myself I could eat meat if I wanted to. This wasn't a forever thing; I could have the occasional cheeky burger, or whatever, sometimes. I did that once, a week after I'd gone vegetarian, where I had some chicken fries from Burger King (incidentally, the Rebel Whopper that BK was doing was amazing; literally couldn't taste the difference from the meat one).

This is important: if you want to make the change, just do what you can. Start by reducing your meat intake if you have to, before taking the plunge fully.

Secondly, Lockdown helped massively. At the beginning, I told myself that I'd only be veggie at home. If I went out, I'd eat meat. I never went out. We've had takeaways, but still haven't been to a restaurant. Now, if we did, I'd go for the vegetarian or seafood option.

Thirdly, I've been on a voyage of fake-meat discovery! In the past couple of years, the fake meat industry has exploded. It may be that a few years ago I wouldn't have stuck to this. There's an absurd amount of choice, which seems to have started after the Impossible Burger came out in America, and people realised that one of the biggest barriers to giving up meat was... giving up meat. If you could make vegetables pretend to be meat, in a convincing fashion, then there was no need to even eat meat.

My diet has become, if anything, more varied, because I'm forever trying new stuff. I love browsing the veggie section at the supermarket. Here are a few of my recommended meat replacements: 

Vegetarian sausage rolls. Doesn't matter which ones. I've not had a single one yet, of any brand, which hasn't tasted EXACTLY like real sausage rolls. Quorn and Linda McCartney are particularly good. In fact, most Linda McCartney stuff is excellent. 

Viv Era kebab "meat". This is a revelation. They do two types; shawarma and Greek, but I prefer the shawarma. Tastes convincingly doner-like, but without the fatty heaviness you'd normally get after a kebab. 

Beyond Meat burgers. Hard to find, but once you've got the cheese and ketchup and pickles on there, you wouldn't know any difference. Viv Era - who also do a great 'steak' - do a burger, but it has a weird aftertaste. Avoid. One good thing about pretty much all non-meat burgers - especially now we've moved away from revolving bean burgers - is that the don't fall apart. They hang together while cooking better than meat burgers. 

Mheat from Sgaia, who do a whole bunch of stuff that is very meat-like, including steaks and burgers. The steaks are amazing. They won't convince you that they're ribeye, but they're enough like a sandwich steak. They also do a charcuterie range with pastrami and the like. Again, very, very good.

This Is Not Bacon is about as good as fake bacon gets. It's really, really hard to replicate that bacon taste and texture it seems. In a sandwich, however, with some ketchup or brown sauce, this is good enough that it'll trick your brain into thinking you've had a real one. I'm afraid to say that bacon, generally, is something you'll have to say goodbye to, because I've not really found a decent replacement (unlike others, it's not bacon I'm missing most but chicken wings). Talking of: This Is Not Chicken is also decent.

Quorn has been around forever, but there's a reason for that; so much of what they do is really good. Their fake chicken nuggets - the frozen, crispy ones - taste EXACTLY like McDonald's nuggets. They also do excellent 'steak' pies. Also, their mince is fantastic. Sanja makes an amazing vegetarian lasagne that has convinced even her meat-loving brother. 

Stahly vegetarian haggis is excellent. Wasn't keen on the McSween one, which is a bit too carrot-y. Hate cooked carrots.

Scottish butcher Simon Howie does an amazing vegetarian breakfast pack, with square sausage and black pudding. The black pudding - incredibly - is INDISTINGUISHABLE from a real one. It's witchcraft. 

A company called Wheaty does a bunch of different stuff, and everything I've tried was spot-on. I wasn't sure about them, because their packaging is a bit basic, but their merguez African-style sausage is delicious, likewise their Virginia steaks, which are big and chunky and tasty.

And that's just the tip of the iceberg. 

You can find a lot of this on Amazon, or for a more ethical shop, I go to these two places:

www.thevegankindsupermarket.com/ 

https://www.yumbles.com 

And that's it. That's my I've-gone-vegetarian blog post. Do I feel better for it? Dunno. I've been less ill this year - fewer colds - but that might be lockdown and facemasks. I mean, I still eat crisps and sweets, so I can't say my diet has improved for the better particularly, but if I save the life of even one polar bear it'll have been worth it.

Paul