DEADLINE: WHENEVER... (Patreon)

I work better with deadlines. 

Actually, I should qualify that; I work better when I have deadlines for things I have to do rather than want to do; y'know... the day job, DIY, chores, paperwork etc. We're all wired differently, and I've come to realise that a core part of my wiring is needing a visible goal. A cut-off point. The knowledge that at some point I'll be able to down tools, and get back to living life. I'm laser-focused when I've got a deadline. Never missed one yet. I like the feeling of clearing my metaphorical in-tray.

Normally, my working year is peppered with deadlines - I have the deadline of having to get scripts written before they're scheduled to film, and then a secondary deadline wherein I typically have a holiday booked as a reward for working my arse off. Everything needs to be done by then. I hate going away and leaving loose ends. That happened last year, and... ugh.

This year... thanks to the coronavirus... I've still no real idea of when anything I've worked on may film, and I haven't got a holiday booked, for obvious reasons. Self-imposed, artificial, deadlines don't help, because when it comes to my job... there's no guarantee that others I'm working with will stick to them. Consequently, I feel like I've sort of... wafted through the last six months or so. 

I have no trouble getting motivated for stuff that I enjoy doing; it's everything else that I need motivation for. I've realised this more than ever during Lockdown, mainly because I've never been without deadlines before. 

Even though I managed to make an entire series of Lost Footage - which includes some of the best material I've ever done - and an album that I really love, this year I've somehow still felt unfocused, and it has started to get to me. And it might be because there isn't an end-point for all this. There's no deadline for the end of coronavirus. 

In recent weeks, I've read reports that suggest even a vaccine might not be enough to end this - that it won't be ready when they're hoping, that it won't be 100% effective. And then there's the ongoing question of how they do tackle this without the world crashing into economic chaos - how do industries survive this? How long is it going to go on for? What happens to all of us? What's the endpoint!?

All of those unknowns - not even knowing when we might have an answer to these questions - is playing on me. I'm sure I'm not alone. I mean, don't get me wrong; it's playing on my mind in a very in-the-background sort of a way. I don't sit and stew, but I know that worry is there, ticking away beneath the surface.

Heck, I'm finally starting to get a bit stir-crazy. I'm an antisocial shut-in and I work from home, so most of this year hasn't been a struggle in that sense, but it turns out that even I have my limits. I'm starting to get bored, and I'm kind of torn between feeling we need to start learning to live with the threat of covid-19 - and getting back to some degree of normality - and still not wanting to go anywhere for fear of catching it. 

A few too many people in my demographic have died from it - including a writer of my acquaintance just last week - and I just don't feel ready to take the risk yet. And yet at the same time... I'm starting to feel like I'm under house arrest. I just want something to look forward to, that'll stimulate my brain. To do something fun that isn't working, or being creative, or watching telly, or stuffing my face. 

There have been positives; aside from what I've achieved with my personal projects, and even though there's a big question mark over my paid work in 2021, my stress levels are far lower than they have been for years. I've realised that, perhaps, I don't need to work as hard as I was in order to make a living. 

I've learned I can balance out the job with stuff that's just for me, and give space to all of it. I've loved making YouTube videos with Sanja - I've enjoyed doing videos that have a little more substance. I got clear that I needed to reclaim the Digitiser brand for me (evidently still ongoing... when I'm still getting comments that "we" need to see - and I quote from a tweet I got sent yesterday - "the old guard" back on the channel... mate, I am the old guard!). I've discovered a very clear sense of where I want to go, creatively-speaking. 

And yet...

The next challenge in all of this is, probably, adapting to the idea that this situation isn't going to end. I somehow need to stop waiting to be given a deadline - in the sense of waiting for life to get back to normal. There has been far too much waiting for me this year. 

It has been six months since Coronavirus first became a thing... I know I need to see this as normal in order to live with it. I think that's an adjustment we might all need to make - and I mean that on not just a personal level, but in every aspect of how we live, how we're governed. We need to adapt in ways best suited to ourselves. Realising that is the first step.

Paul