Current Thoughts and Feelings, Reward Tier Additions (Patreon)

Hey, everyone.

I hope you're doing well and staying sane in these wild times.

Thanks again, whether you're a financial supporter of mine or you just continue to stay tuned to my content.

I'm writing this to inform you of a couple of updates to my reward tiers, as well as some of my current thoughts and feelings in relation to my content production.

I want to start by apologizing for my lack of bonus stream content -- commentaries, production tutorials, music, etc.

I have ideas to address this, which I'll get to later in this post and I'm very much interested in your input on.

I work hard on Arby 'n' the Chief, value my supporters tremendously and pause my Patreon income if I can't get something new and substantial out in a month, and I absolutely intended on delivering the bonus stream content and streaming generally when I wrote the tiers, and I did deliver for a time, but recently I've really struggled to get myself in front of the camera, moreso than before, due to anxiety about a number of things both worldly and personal.

You've heard it from me before.

I feel like a broken record.

It's embarrassing.

Regardless, as someone diagnosed with moderate to severe depression and has been managing it (I'd say reasonably well) for most of my life, there's a constant ebb and flow with these feelings.

What do I have to be upset about?

I get enough to eat, have a roof over my head, immense creative satisfaction through my show that I actually enjoy working on most of the time and a dedicated group of fans and supporters helping me do it.

To address the obvious first, I don't think the pandemic (in terms of both physical and mental health), extreme political division, daily media shitstorms and unprecedented uncertainty of the future of our societies due to technology and the boiling of societal tensions are doing anybody's mood any favors.

It's true that I've worked from home far before the pandemic and I've become accustomed to the isolation, at least to a degree I think most people wouldn't be able to tolerate.

It was really difficult, for years, but I've found a lot of satisfaction and peace in my solitude, knowing that what I'm working on has a very positive impact on many people throughout the world, as many emails I've received state.

Considering that and the filmmaking skills I've developed over the past decade, it's hard to picture myself doing anything else.

Still, going for a walk past abandoned playgrounds wound in caution tape or riding the train and hearing scratchy reminders over the intercom of the mask mandate makes me feel we're not far off from living in the setting of the Half-Life 2 opening sequence.

I don't mean to diminish the importance of mask wearing.

It's just that, for me at least, when I combine the realities of the "new normal" with what I've learned about human beings and their suffering-ridden history already, it's a deeply unsettling reminder of how fragile our societies are, and if shit were to really hit the fan down the line, things could get so bad that I think most people of the newest, post-war generations would find it literally unbelievable.

Human beings have been around for a long time, having evolved over millions of years, but not even a hundred years ago there were parts of the world in which passing the corpses of people murdered or killed by starvation on a walk down the street was a regular occurrence, never mind playgrounds wrapped in caution tape.

If the awareness that a reality like that is still within the realm of possibility doesn't shock you to your core, it should at least give one pause for thought.

I realize that's an extreme scenario.

But it's just one worldly example of what's regularly occupying my thoughts recently.

I don't want to go into too much detail of what's been affecting me personally, but there are things I've recently sought and gone to mental health counselling for.

These things are related to most aspects of my life -- family, friends and career, if you can call it a career.

For years, since focusing on my YouTube channel after the disintegration of Machinima, I've struggled with feelings that my methods of generating my primary sources of income aren't respectable.

I was a little more aggressive in promoting my Patreon page when I first launched it than I am now, but I've never demanded money from anybody or exploited anyone, I believe I produce a high-quality product that can stand alongside content on the likes of Netflix and HBO (at least in regard to writing), and I regularly announce my immense gratitude for the support and, often enough, remind my backers that they can cancel their subscription at any time.

That said, I think there's still a stigma at varying levels attached to money earned through the likes of Patreon, YouTube, Twitch and the other modern digital monetization platforms, as opposed to working for a company and receiving a cheque from the middleman of an employer.

Like the latter's legitimate and the former's an over-reliance on handouts.

I combat the sadness that stigma brings me by focusing on putting out an exceptional product.

For that I'm proud of myself.

I also currently have a job as a video editor for another company which makes me feel a bit better about it, though the money I earn from that isn't as much as what I earn currently through Patreon alone.

I think I've recently put out some of the best episodes I've ever done, and will continue to push myself to make the most comedic or otherwise entertaining content I can.

I've always genuinely loved to make people laugh and feel incredibly lucky to have been able to earn a living for the past several years doing so, and it's all thanks to my supporters.

If I wasn't doing what I'm doing, I like the idea of doing stand-up comedy, but as somebody who has studied that art form for a long time, I find the lifestyle and the idea of frequently being on a stage too intimidating.

I've actually recently considered getting some kind of certification in a trade, maybe welding or something like that, something I can fall back on in the event that I get bumped off of the online platforms for making the wrong jokes in these times of sharply increased sensitivity and the blurring of the line between reality and satire.

I had a backer of mine send me a direct message recently about him -- and suggesting the idea of -- working in Alberta as a truck driver.

He basically told me he lived a quiet, enjoyable life, enjoyed his job, that it was relatively easy to do, worked a very tolerable amount of hours per week and made terrific money doing it.

I actually felt some jealousy, like I sometimes do towards people around me where I live -- family, friends and acquaintances who have highly respectable jobs that don't involve drawing attention to themselves by making jokes -- which necessarily involves toeing the line of good taste in these times of sensitivity and divisiveness, if you want to do it well -- jobs that provide them with considerable benefits, and a substantial amount of money along with the financial security that gives them the peace of mind to create long-term plans for their lives in regard to property ownership and starting families.

I consider myself young at heart, but I find the idea of starting a family one day and having children increasingly attractive, that it would be a difficult, surely, but joyous experience, but I feel like my current lifestyle and unpredictability of my financial success makes the pursuit of a family at this time irresponsible.

For that same reason, I've barely pursued any relationships with women and haven't at all for some time.

Being single has it's perks, but the isolation gets to me sometimes, and the feeling that I'm a failure, that the ultimate victory in life is contributing your genes to the next generation with the stable footing to succeed in life.

I'm not rolling in dough like I think YouTubers are often perceived as, but I don't have a high-roller lifestyle, nor do I want one.

I'm easy to please.

I pay rent for a small space for myself, eat out occasionally -- sometimes frequently if I'm in the middle of a big writing project and I need to get out of the house to be able to concentrate -- and I buy video games and movie tickets (should the pandemic allow for the latter), while still being able to put away a considerable amount of money each month despite earning yearly far less than a salary that would widely be considered low-income.

That, coupled with the fact that I enjoy what I do makes me feel like I'm doing alright, that I could certainly be doing a lot worse.

But I can't know for sure that will last, or for how long.

Maybe everyone's in a similar position, no matter what the field, whether they know it or not, and I'm overestimating the security of those on the other side of the fence.

The grass is always greener over there, after all.

If that's the case, other than a small sense of community in the idea that we could all be fucked -- if our economies collapse and our currencies lose mass value, for instance -- I can't say it makes me feel that much better.

I worry that my role as a comedian online puts my employability in other fields, should the former go south, in serious jeopardy.

I've often found offensive humor really funny, and I think my humor can be considered offensive sometimes, but my intention has never been to hurt or marginalize anyone or any groups of people.

As I've said numerous times before, I'm a live-and-let-live guy.

I want to see people of all backgrounds, ethnicities, races and identities getting along and laughing together, and I consider hatred of anybody based on immutable characteristics -- often bad choices alone, even -- a silly waste of time and energy.

That said, lately I often worry about the kind of community I'm cultivating amidst the current cultural divisiveness.

I stream and I see people spamming slurs in the chat over and over, I read comments on YouTube from individuals on the far end of both the left and right wing of the political spectrum interpreting my jokes or subject matter in a way I completely disagree with, I see people tweeting gratuitously offensive images at me, some images photoshopped of me, and not only can it be difficult to assess whether or not it's all just jokes and those people are just trying to make me laugh through what I've established to a degree as my preferred sense of humor, but I worry what others, including friends and potential employers, would think of me if they were to tune into my live streams out of curiosity and see that chat spam, or the images of me people are tweeting.

I often wonder what my position is in the debate of whether or not content creators are responsible for the statements and actions of their communities.

I don't want to police what people who enjoy my content say and do in the form of comment and chat moderation, but I also don't want some of the things I see fans writing and posting to be a reflection of my values and intentions, because some of it definitely isn't.

Whether or not the intention is to make me alone laugh, I see that chat spam and those comments and tweets and I don't laugh.

I know more than most people how to take a joke, but the stuff I'm talking about I consider so egregious that it just sinks my stomach and makes me feel queasy when I see it, and I wish it'd stop.

But if I act too triggered, I suspect I'll end up incentivizing more of the same.

Trolling is a art, after all.

You may think I'm over-reacting, over-thinking it all, and you could be right.

I certainly don't think the offensive material from fans that I've described comes from the majority of them.

There's a few YouTubers that I watch that I consider my canaries in the coal mine, comedians and podcasts comprised of people who say pretty wild, counter-mainstream shit and occasionally use explicit language who are a hell of a lot popular than me and they're still doing fine.

I wonder if they have similar feelings about the communities they're cultivating, or if they just don't worry about it.

I'm familiar with a number of people on YouTube who don't even read their comments and live chats, and they say they're happier for it.

I believe them.

Personally, over the years I've gotten a tremendous amount of constructive feedback and praise from engaging with my community, at least reading comments.

What I've read hasn't always been pleasant, whether the comments have been rude, overly-critical or just critical, but I think I've grown thanks to those moments, and so I consider that engagement mostly a positive.

So I know plenty of content creators and groups of them that are currently doing fine, but also groups that are doing not-so-fine.

Over the past several months I've been hearing about and watching Rooster Teeth -- a group that was a huge inspiration to me at the start of my own content creation and a once-thriving organization I thought could do no wrong -- crumble piece-by-piece, and I take no pleasure in it.

Maybe it was due to the toxicity in their own community that they've recently acknowledged and admitted to ignoring through their long-term stance of "not feeding the trolls," the departure of some of their core team members, their acquisition by Warner Media, the sanitization of their long-trademark immature sense of humor in order to persist as a big-time, mainstream entertainment organization, the numerous complaints of their staff being overworked by the company, its mismanagement and ineffective counter-measures, and the recent allegations against a couple of their staff members, or a mixture of all of it, but it makes me nervous and sad.

I had a very positive experience briefly working with the Rooster Teeth crew on a couple of short films, and I respect their hosting of the bulk of the Machinima content that went under along with the company.

It's like paddling in a canoe next to a massive, decked-out, seemingly invincible ship in the ocean and watching in shock as it gets blown up and sunk, and you're left in your dinky boat wondering what the fuck went wrong and if you're next.

I think I have a major advantage, however, in being a one-man show. 

I don't work underneath anybody that aims to revise or sanitize what I put out, and I'm supported directly by fans who want to see me keep doing exactly what I've been doing.

On the flip-side of that is a tremendous sense of accountability and responsibility.

Whether I succeed or screw up, it's on me.

Thankfully, despite my occasional usage of strong subject matter and explicit language, I've always been extremely careful with their use and the context surrounding them, and will continue to take the greatest care I can in that regard.

I'm sorry if this has come off as rambling.

One of the reasons I decided to write this was to work through my own feelings and come to a better understanding of the state of things in my own head.

It's helped a little bit.

In short, I want to keep making content that I think is funny, I don't wish to sanitize my humor if I feel that doing so will make it less funny, and if my content does contain explicit language or subject matter or making fun of stereotypes or whatever could be considered offensive, I want everyone to know that my intention has always been about bridging divides through laughter and healing people, regardless of who or what they are, who have figuratively stood at the edge of the abyss of existential dread, where I've been myself plenty of times, letting them know that I know what that dread is, and encouraging them to step back and have faith.

Sometimes, to comfort people who have irreparably peered into the abyss, you have to depict it in your art, and sometimes that can get taken the wrong way.

So those are some of the reasons why I've been to anxious to be on camera, which brings me back to fulfilling the reward tiers.

My plan isn't to add any new tiers, but to add perks to the already existing ones.

I want to start writing on Patreon a lot more, not just updates, but comedic material I think of (like my stupid Godzilla script, my satirical Batman vs. Superman review, or my fake virus story that I tweeted), reviews of movies or games, among other things I haven't thought of yet that fans may recommend that I write, and make those writings available to the Chad $2-tier backers on a regular basis.

For the Gosu $5-tier backers I'm gonna record commentaries on all my Arby 'n' the Chief episodes, but record them offline, not live via a stream -- at least not for now. That might change later.

For that same tier I'm also planning on regularly recording commentary tracks on movies.

These can be so-bad-they're-good movies, actually-good movies, straight-up terrible movies or whatever film I feel like I've got things to say about.

Film production and theory are things I'm very educated on, so I feel that there would be a lot of value in them.

I don't know when exactly I'll start rolling these out, but soon.

I want to get a bunch of writing and commentaries in the can first and get a bit ahead so I don't have the stress of delivering rewards get in the way of producing Arby 'n' the Chief.

It's not that I'm too busy to stream or whatever, and superchats are obviously a huge incentive, but I'm just not feeling it, and I don't want to put on a bad show.

I feel like my streams have really sucked balls recently, I sound miserable as fuck despite trying not to be, as people have pointed out, and I hate to disappoint.

I just can't shake the anxiety right now.

Not even a couple glasses of wine before recording makes me feel better going into it right now.

I'm not saying that I won't stream anymore, but I want to stream when I want to, when I'm feeling funny, like I can have a good time, and not out of a feeling of obligation.

Thank you all so much again for reading this, supporting me with money and/or encouragement, tuning in and your lovely e-mails.

I'm forever grateful to you for allowing me to do what I love for a living and making me feel that I haven't wasted my time doing so, and I again apologize for the lack of bonus content and hope you don't regret your subscription to me, should you have one.

If you do, I encourage you to reach out to me for a refund.

Stay safe, stay sane and stay tuned!

Love,

Jon