[Seriously Dark Content Warning] Journal Entry (Patreon)

This is not fiction. This is just something from my life. Shared in a way I think is artistic. But it is dark.

Also, I'm doing okay. I'm just going through some stuff, and I felt like if you can see my art., you can see this part of my life. So, I feel like I can share this. I'm not gonna tag it so it's gonna sink into the abyss of my patreon.

I had an alcoholic stepdad. I honestly don’t have much hate for the man, but he did make life difficult and unstable during a time of my life that was already a sinking ship. The thing about having an alcoholic in your life is that they aren’t always angry and scary. You spend a lot of time helping them as much as you try and protect yourself from them. Cause at a young age no matter what someone does. it’s hard to watch someone sleep outside.

The first time I had ever met him I was sitting in some place I can’t really remember cause the place was hardly important. What I remember is what he told me.

”I’m gonna protect you. I’m gonna be like your guardian.”

That’s the first thing he ever said to me. My parents had recently divorced. My life was different.

So I had no idea how much this stranger would impact my life. He was a blackout drunk that drank more to destroy himself than to destroy anyone else. He had 3 sons and had lost one to a traffic accident and then had found another who had took his own life with a shotgun to the head. This was a very damaged man. He was abused his whole childhood in ways I can scarcely imagine and don’t wish to describe even after learning the extent.

He became part of my life for 5 years. I won’t make excuses for him. I merely must give the full story if I’m to give my account and explain the impact he had on my life.

He had a sister, who has now passed, that he had protected when they were kids. He once told me he tried to protect her from some children that were bullying her and they beat the shit out of him. That always made me laugh because he didn’t see himself as a hero. Just someone that did things they felt they were supposed to do.

He was addicted to Vicodin because he had nearly died. He had tried showing off to his son by ducking and rolling under a semi-truck. He missed the timing and was pinned under the tire and dragged 100 feet before the truck stopped. He had no skin or muscle on the top of his left leg. This left him in constant pain and required Vicodin just to function.

He was also nearly universally liked. I didn’t see it myself. But it was undeniable that whether drunk or sober the man could get anyone to like him for the time and place they met him. He could hitchhike hundreds of miles faster than you could make it in your own car. That was just who he was.

Finally, he had died. He was struck by a bread delivery truck and had been declared deceased on impact. Then a woman had walked over to his body to pray for his passing, and he began to bleed over the concrete. And so, he was not allowed to die.

I feel like he spent his whole life after his sons passed trying to die but he was catholic so he believed wholeheartedly that he would go to hell if he killed himself. This tortured him because that's where he believed his son was and he couldn't ever see both of them because both had ended up in different places. Isn’t that fucked up? It’s like having to choose which son you loved more cause one way or another you’d spend eternity with only one. I think he spent most of his time just trying to let someone else decide when he died.

I lived a blessed life. 2 good parents. One educated mother and one emotionally competent father. And I had one guardian that gave me something that’s not something I cannot put into words. Maybe empathy and understanding for anyone who was hurt. I don’t love my stepfather. I don’t hate him either. But I can say this. When he saw my drawings. He told me.

“This is the beginning kid and when you’ve made it big, I can say I was there in the beginning.”

He was drunk but you take what you can get as an artist.