70s sitcom 5 (Patreon)

Episode Four

Cold open.  Mike and Jason’s apartment is shadowy and blue, as if early morning. We hear keys clicking in the lock. The door creaks open and we see Jason wince. He’s holding his heels with the fingers of one hand, and begins to tip toe across the apartment floor.  Just as he reaches his bedroom door and puts his hand on it, the lights turn on.

Jason leaps and screams.

We now see Mike was sitting on the couch the whole time.

“Well, well, well,” he says. “Look who’s walking the walk of shame.”

“You scared me half to death!” Jason says, then turns back to his door. “Bye.”

“Hold on,” Mike says. “You don’t get off that easy.”

“Whatever do you mean?” Jason says, his body language all uptight and cringy.

“I mean you sneaking back in the early morning hours? After a date? With Woody? You have to tell me what it was like!”

“I can’t,” Jason says.

“Why not?”

“Because this is a 70s sitcom and that kind of talk wasn’t allowed.”

The audience laughs.

“Well, can you at least give it a thumbs up or down?”

Jason nods. He slowly raises his arm. Once more we hear the theme from Rocky. Jason holds his hand out, waiting for the chant, and then gives an emphatic thumbs down.

The music screethces to a halt.

“Bad?” Mike says.”Worse than heels,” Jason says.

Laughs.

“But, why are we still foxes?” He looks at himself, at MIke.

“Good point,” Mike says. “Mario said we’d get out of the sitcom if we went on dates.”

“We’ll have to talk to him.” Jason says. “Maybe we missed something.”

Cut to Mario. “You didn’t miss nothing,” he says.

Laughs.

Mario, Jason and Mike are gathered in the kitchen area now. Mike and Jason smoke. “So, then, why?” Jason says, gesturing down at his body.

“It means you were too far gone already,” Mario says. “You waited too long.”

“Too long?” Jason says. “No. That’s not fair.”

“It’s not fair,” Mike says. “It’s blogus!”

The audience roars.

“THIS is not the time!” Jason says.

Mike smiles sheepishly. “Blogus!”

Laughs.

Jason, fuming, turns back to Mario. “There has to be another way. Some way. We can’t be stuck like this. We can’t!”

“I wish I had a better answer for you,” Mario says. “But listen, ladies. If you want a guy to show you the ropes, so to speak, you know, the birds and the bees, I am a very sweet and gentle lover.”

“Really?” Mike says. “I wouldn’t have guessed that.”

“I know,” Mario says. “And you’re both just my type.”

Laughs.

“Are you seriously hitting on us?” Jason says.

Mario pauses to think. Looks down at Jason’s breasts, looks up and nods. “I could spend a few hours watching the boob tubes.”

“GET OUT!”

“Hey, no reason to throw a hissy…”

“OUT! OUT!” Jason screams, slapping Mario toward the door. “OUT!”

Mario pauses in the door. ”Maybe one quick kiss?”

“OUT!”

Jason slams the door.

“So, what do we do now?” Mike says.

“We handle it. Like men!” Jason says.

CUT TO Jason crying, mascara running down his cheeks, cigarette in one had, glass of wine in the other. “I don’t want to be a fox…” he murmurs.

“Oh, sweetie,” it could be worse, Mike says.

“How?”

“You could be a dog?”

Jason sobs.

Montage Jason doing his makeup. Fixing his hair. Mike posing in a skirt and blouse, smiling. Mike and Jason walking to work. Mike walking down the hall, and all the men poking their heads out their doorways to check out his booty. Jason on the office couch, struggling to fight off Woody’s advances.  Mike and Harry ice-skating at Roosevelt Center.

Mike standing outside office doors, smoking with the other girls.

“How are things with Harry?”

“Really, really, good. He’s such a perfect gentleman. But, I’m kind of ready for him to be a little dirty.”

The girls laugh. “Well, just so you know, the first time is usually a drag.”

“The first time?”

“Yeah. The first time. You know. You’re first time as a girl?”

“My?” Mike is shocked. “You mean, you know?”

The girls all laugh. “We could see the “guy” on your first day.  Of course.”

“I had no idea,” Mike says. “I’m so embarrassed.”

“Oh, don’t be. We’ve all been through it.”

“Yeah, well that makes me-- WAIT!”

Laughter.

“You’ve all been through it?”

“Sure.  All the girls who work here were guys. We all got trapped in the sitcom.

“Or decided to stay,” a petite brunette added.

“You decided to stay?” Mike says. “You mean you waited to long.”

“No, decided. When the handyman took me to the VCR, I just broke it.”

“Mine was a laserdisc.”

“Laserdisc?” Mike says.

“Outdated video format that never really caught on.” One of the girls says. “You mean your handyman didn’t tell you? The handyman is really supposed to tell you.”

“Ours didn’t,” Mike says, taking a toke. “Because he is totally blogus!”

The audience roars.

“So what are you going to do?”

“Oh, jelly brain, that part is easy. I am going to Freak Out!”

“Far out.”

The girls look at Mike, who is still just standing there. “I thought you were going to freak out?”

“I am. But I have to finish this cigarette first.”

CUT TO: Mario sitting as Jason and Mike shout at him, wagging their fingers. Each time Mario tries to speak, they shout even louder.

“I-”

“You-”

“But--”

We hear them shouting, but the image now fades to a clock with the hour hand spinning round and round. Fade back to Mario, glazed eyes, drooling. Jason and Mike are now sitting, legs crossed, smoking.  They both look very relieved and satisfied.

“Can I say something now?” Mario says sheepishly.

“NO!” Mike and Jason shout in unison.

“But I have to go to the bathroom!”

“Ha!” Jason laughs. “This is a 70s sitcom. No one ever goes to the bathroom!”

“Sometimes on Fish they--”

“This isn’t Fish.”

“So, what now, Mario says? You gonna break my knee caps?”

“I probably should,” Jason says. “But, instead I am happy for you to just show us where this VCR is so we can get out of here.”

“Okay. Okay. Done.” Mario says, raising his hands in surrender. “It’s down in the basement. You wanna go now, or you need to freshen up first?”

Jason raises a fist. “I swear to God!”

“Okay. Okay!” Mario says. “Right this way.”

Cut to Mario leading Mike and Jason down a old set of concrete stairs into a basement room-- pipes run along the ceiling, wires, there is a huge boiler, steam hisses from one of the pipes.

“Hold on,” Mike says, patting his head. “That steam is going to ruin my hairdo.”

Laughs.

“Who cares? You’ll be a guy again soon.”

“It’s in the storage room.” Mario fishes a key from the ring on his belt, unlocks a big, metal door. “Ladies?” He says, gesturing.

“Merci!” Mike says, entering.

Jason glares.

“Okay. Okay.”

Mario takes a cart from the corner, there is a huge, old-fashioned VCR, bulky and as large as four DVD players stacked on top of each other.

“Wow,” Mike says. “That thing is ancient.”

“Ancient? It’s the hottest thing out there. Latest and greatest, man. This is like NASA stuff. I there’s even a store out in California where you can rent movies on video tapes! How crazy is that?”

The audience laughs, knowingly.  They seem to have knowledge of the contemporary world.

“Just set it up,” Jason says.  “I can’t wait to get out of this-- prison.”

“It’s not so bad,” Mike says. “I actually kind of had fun dating Harry.” He lights up a cigarette. “One more. I don’t smoke in my other life.”

“Bum one?” Jason says.

The two light up, puff. “Is it really so bad being a fox?” Mario asks.

“It’s not so bad,” Mike says.

“It’s terrible,” Jason says, putting a hand on his generous hip, waving his cigarette around for emphasis. “Like I said before, it’s a prison, and I can’t wait to be free, free from teetering around on heels, mincing in tight little skirts, and you have no idea what it’s like to have these!” He looks down at his chest. “Back aches. They give me back aches! And at night when I come home from work, I have welts on my shoulders from the stupid bra digging into my skin! Plus, I get stared at by guys, hit on constantly, and my boss won’t keep his hands to himself, and--Oh!”

Mario has gotten the VCR running, and it is projecting onto the wall. There is an image of Mike and Jason at a bar, drinking beer, checking out the ladies. “Oh, wow!”

The image is actually grainy, but Mario nods. “Look at that picture! Clear as can be!”

Laughs.

Jason starts walking toward the screen. “How do we go back there?”

“It’s easy. Just walk into the image. You’ll find yourself back in your old lives.” Mario picks up a pitcher and fills it from the utility sink. “So parched.”

Jason stares at the image of his old self. “Freaky Deaky,” he whispers.

Laughter.

“Oh!” Jason says, admiring his old self from a female’s perspective.” Look at my stubble! Those arms! I’m a stud!”

“Come on,” Jason says to Mike. “Let’s blow this taco stand.”

“I-- I don’t know,” Mike says, stepping back, away from the screen.

“You don’t what?”

“I’m not sure i want to go back,” Mike says. “I kind of like it here.”

“Here is not real,” Jason says. “It’s some weird sitcom world, where you are always being watched by an invisible audience.  Where your life will consist of a series of sketchy plots and you are always played for comic effect. How can you want that?”

“I’ve fallen for Harry. I just-  I don’t know. I feel so happy with him, and besides, it’s kinda fun being a fox. I like the attention.”

“Buddy, this isn’t you. It’s Mary, the character you’re becoming.”

“I’m fine with that.”

“Buddy? Really?”

“Yes. I’m sure. I want to stay.”

“I’ll miss you,” Jason says. “I gotta go. I can’t spend my life as a woman.”

“I understand. You’ve always been a good friend. I’ll miss you.”

“You, too. Mary.”

Jason starts toward the screen. “No more dresses. No more high heels. No more shaving my legs.” He reaches his hand toward the screen, his fingers just entering the image, going from grainy VCR to HD.

Mario, behind him, pours the water onto the VCR. It sparks and smokes, and the image sputters. “No!” Jason screams, throwing himself at the image, but it is gone and he bounces off the wall, falls to the ground on one knee.  He looks back at Mario. “Why?” Jason asks.

“I have a thing for Lonnie Anderson,” Mario says.

“I look like Farah Fawcett!” Jason yells.

Laughs.

Cut to Mike and Jason sitting in their living room smoking, legs crossed. Jason wears a dress. Mike a skirt. They each have a ladies’ magazine in their lap, which they page through idly.  Mario is painting the door. “How much more work I gotta do to make it up to you?” He says.

“Infinity,” Jason says. “Plus one.”

Laughs.

“Well, I’m done with the door. I’ll be back tomorrow for the next job.”

“Bye!” Mike says.

Mario exits.

The audience claps.

“So, I wonder what zany antics today holds?” Mike says.

“The writers always seem to come up with something.”

The phone rings. “Yes?” Jason says, effortlessly slipping an earring off and answering. “Of course. Yes. YES, I will be ready on time! Okay. Bye.” Jason hangs up, slipping his earring back on. “That was Woody. We’re going to meet his parents.”

“Oh! Wow! That’s gonna be full of laughs!”

“And a wrestling match or two.!”

Laughs.

“I’m surprised you and Woody ended up getting together.”

“Really? Why?”

“I thought you hated him.”

“Oh, I do. I hate him. I mean, I hate hate hate him.”

“Then why are you two together?”

Jason thinks, shrugs. “He makes me laugh.”

The audience laughs.

“Also, conflict is more entertaining, so I guess the writers wanted to keep that going for the fun of our invisible friends.”

“That’s so blogus! Mike says.

The audience roars.

“Freaky Deaky!” Jason shouts.

More roars and applause as the scene fades, and the credits start to roll.

Guys. Guys just moved to the city

Thinking that life was so pretty

But then they found

Themselves wearing gowns

And it’s heels

And skirts all day

And it’s hands

Just groping away

But somehow these two guys

Will learn to be women

Will learn to be women

9 to 5 they will learn

To be women—

The End-- thanks for reading!