70s Sitcom 4 (Patreon)

Episode Four: Wowzers

Opening Credit: Grainy shots of a gritty, bygone New York City. Big, steel cars patched with bondo line the streets. Women in skirts and dresses scurry along sidewalks crowded with men in suits. We see drug stores and delis, record stores and fancy restaurants with names on their awnings.  Two young men with sharp, collegiate haircuts and polo shirts are seen pointing, gawking, taking in the town as the theme song plays:

Jason lies in bed, his sheet pulled over his face. The sun shines through his narrow, bedroom window. The alarm rings. Jason groans and pulls the sheet off, and we now see the pretty blonde with the Farah Fawcett hair completely. Jason’s own face has disappeared. He rolls out of bed and turns off the alarm, looks down to see he is wearing a teddy.  He plucks at the diaphanous fabric, looking down to see he has impressive d-cups. “Freaky Deaky,” he says in a breathy, woman’s voice.

Laughter.

Jason grabs his throat. “Freakier Deakier!”

Roars of laughter from the invisible audience.

“I have to stop saying that!”

Laughter.

Jason yawns. “My mouth tastes like an ashtray. I need to brush my teeth.” He starts to leave his room to go to the bathroom he shares with Mike, stops. “I don’t want Mike to see me wearing this!” Looking around, he sees the living room is empty and tip-toes to the bathroom. His boobs bounce, and he looks down at them, putting a finger to his lips. “Shhhss!” The audience laughs.

Reading the cramped little bathroom, Jason picks up his toothbrush. He sees himself in the mirror and his mouth drops open. “I am a stone cold fox,” he says.

Chuckles.

“I think I’m going to call in sick. I don’t think I can face another day with Mr. Allen, especially now that I have these jugs!”

Laughter.

Jason turns on the tap and the faucet shakes. We hear knocking sounds from the pipes, but no water comes out. Just then, Mike pokes his head in the door. He also now looks fully female, and is wearing pink polka dot pajamas. “No water?” He says.

“Something is wrong with the pipes!”

“Something is wrong with your pipes,” Mike says. “You sound like a girl.”

“YOU sound like a girl.”

“But you sound more like a girl.”

Chuckles.

Jason turns and tries to cross his arms over his chest, but his breasts are too large. He struggles, before finally crossing them under his boobs.

Laughter.

“I’m going to call in sick. I’ll stay home and fix the pipes.”

“Um, remember what happened the last time you tried to fix something? I’m calling the handyman.”

Mike exits.

Jason shakes his head. “At least he didn’t say anything about my nightclothes.”

Mike pokes his head back in the door. “You look cute in your teddy!”

Laughter as Jason covers his face in shame.

Cut to: Mario the handyman kneeling down under the sink, a pipe wrench in his hands. Mike and Jason, now wearing fluffy bathrobes and fuzzy slippers, stand in the doorway. “So what was it?” Jason asks.

“This,” Mario says, holding up a gloppy lump of hair.

“A dead rat?” Mike says.

“Hair,” Mario says. “Women’s hair. The bane of every plumber in the world!”

The audience chuckles.

“Yuck,” Mike says as Mario gets up, holding the hair out as if it were a dead rat. “I’ll get rid of this, but now that you guys are girls, try not clog up the drain.”

“Wait,” Jason says. “You know we were guys?”

“Sure. Of course. You just turned into girls like all the other guys who rent this unit. Happens all the time.”

“And you didn’t think to warn us?” Mike says.

“Wouldn’t do any good,” Mario says, then heads toward the door. “Let me dispose of this disgusting hairball before it turns into some kind of radioactive monster.”

“Wait!” Jason says. “Hold on. Do you know-- is there any way for us to get out of here?”

“Oh, yeah.” Mario says. Then, he starts toward the door again.

The audience laughs.

“Wait!” Jason says, grabbing Mario’s arm. “Could you possibly tell us?”

Mario thinks. “Sure, I could possibly tell you.” He starts to leave again.

Now Mike grabs his other arm. “Tell us!” Mike and Jason shout in unison.

“You gotta go out on a date with a guy,” Mario says. “Really find out what it’s like as a woman.”

“A date with a guy?” Jason says. “You must be joking.”

“Afraid not. That’s just the way it is. Either that, or get used to those jugs!”

Jason covers his chest, mouth gaping.

“And you only have two days!”

Mario finally exits. The audience applauds.

“There is no way I am going to go on a date with a guy.”

“Maybe we can find some nice fellas?  You know? Sweethearts that won’t try and take advantage of a girl on the first date?”

“On this show?” Jason says.

Laughter.

“Where are we supposed to meet guys, though?” Mike says. “I want someone to take me to a nice place. You know, someplay classy!”

“You’re actually getting excited about going on a date with a guy?” Jason says.

“Hey, there are advantages to being a girl. I won’t have to pay!”

“Oh? Well, just don’t order the lobster.”

Laughter.

“There’s really only one place for us to find dates on this show,” Jason finally says.

“A bar?” Mike asks.

“The office. Looks like I am going to work after all!”

Cut to Jason opening the top drawer of his dresser. He stares down, face a mask of horror, “Noooooooooooo!” He screams.”No! No!” Then, he hesitantly reaches into the drawer and using his first two fingers and pincers, pulls from the drawer a bra.

The audience chuckles.

“I like taking these off, but I never wanted to put one on!”

Laughter.

Mike holds the bra up to the light, turns it this way and that, examining it as if it were some alien species. Finally, he looks down at his boobs and says, “I’m doing this for you.”

Laughter.

Cut to Mike. He’s wearing a red skirt and a polka dot blouse, posing in front of his full length mirror, smiling. “Oh, this old thing?” He says with a giggle. “I just threw on the first thing I saw.”

The camera pulls back to show clothes scattered all over the room.

Laughs.

Mike finishes admiring his outfit and shouts, “Next!” He runs back to the closet, buzzing with excitement.

Cut to Jason with his hands over his eyes, creeping toward his full length mirror. He wears a turquoise jacket and skirt. “Don’t look foxy. Don’t look foxy. Don’t look…”

He takes his hands from his eyes, “Oh, man. I am totally foxy!”

Mike pokes his head in and whistles. “You sure are!”

Laughs.

Mike steps into the room. He is now dressed in a mod look, with a white leather skirt and jacket, knee high white leather boots.  He puts a hand on his hip and dramatically asks, “How do I look?”

“You look--”

“Nevermind!” Mike says. “Next!” He prances off to try another outfit.

“You’re actually enjoying this!” Jason shouts.

“You aren’t?” Mike shouts back.

Cut to the boys walking down the street. They are both wearing skirts and blouses, office wedges, their purses slung over their shoulders.  “I will say I learned something,” Jason says.

“That is?”

“It’s a lot of working being a woman!”

Applause, and the cheers from the audience are mostly women’s voices.

“So, how are we supposed to do this anyway?” Jason says. “I don’t know how to get a date from a guy.”

“Are you kidding? All you need to do is shake those maracas! Guys will be falling all over each other to take you out.”

“I prefer to call them bongos.”

Laughter.

“Think about how hard it will be for me. I’m the perky brunette, the girl a guy wants to marry. How am I supposed to get a date without sullying my reputation?”

‘It’s the 70s,” Jason says. “Just let him know you’ll put out. He won’t care what color hair you have.”

Laughs.

“I’m not that kind of girl!”

More laughs.

“Anyway, I read an article about this in Vogue.”

“You read Vogue?”

“Yeah, but mostly for the pictures.”

Laughs.

“The pictures?”

“There are so many ads for cute clothes you wouldn’t believe it!”

Chuckles.

“What did the article say?”

“Just smile, play with your hair and laugh at all his jokes.”

“That’s it?”

“And wear tight clothes, but you’re already doing that.”

“Am I ever. I feel like I’m suffocating.”

Once more, we hear female dominated laughter.

“Beauty is pain,” Mike says with a wistful air.

‘Well, then these shoes must be gorgeous.”

Laughter.

Cut to Mike at the office. He’s standing with his back against the wall. One of the guys stands very close, and he has an arm planted against the wall, blocking Mike in. “To be frank,” the guy says, “I’d have to change my name.”

Mike delivers bubbly giggles, twisting his hair around his finger. He brushes his fingers down the man’s chest and gushes, “you’re so funny.”

“Say,” the guy says, “wanna go out sometime?”

Cut to Jason. There’s a man sitting at his desk, reading a newspaper. Jason is looking at him from around the corner. “What a dog,” Jason says looking at the man who is fat, sweaty and has a terrible comb over. “He’s perfect.”

Jason adjusts his clothes. Checks his breath. Nods. “You can do this. You can do this,” he whispers. “Smile, play with your hair, laugh at his jokes.”

Jason walks into the office. He’s exaggerating the sway of his hips, looking like a man parodying a feminine woman.

Laughter.

He walks past the guy, who doesn’t even look up from his paper.

“Nothing?” Jason fumes. He waves his arms up and down his body. “I got all this and nothing?”

Laughs.

Jason looks down at his breasts. “You’re not giving up that easy,” he murmurs. Then, he looks back at his butt. “You neither.”

Laughs.

“This guy? Ignoring me, with this body?”

Jason walks back into the office, now sitting boldly on the man’s desk, crossing his legs at the knees, smoothing his skirt. Jason plays with his hair, but it’s awkward and comical. “Smile,” he reminds himself. And he then forces a crazy smile onto his face. The audience laughs. The guy doesn’t look up from his paper.

Jason pushes the man’s paper down, still smiling. “Hey,” he says in an extra breathy and feminine voice. “I’m Josie. Wanna go out sometime?”

The man’s mouth drops open. He kicks and his office chair rolls back until it slams against the wall.

“Hahahaha!” Jason laughs, playing crazily with his hair. “YOU’RE SO FUNNY!”

“Y-y-you’re foxy,” the man says, getting up and running from the room.

Jason turns to the camera. “Freaky Deaky!”

Laughs and applause.

CUT to Jason and Mike the ashtray, smoking.

“Did you get a date?” Jason asks.

“No,” MIke says.

“Me, neither--” Jason starts, relieved, but then Mike cuts him off.

“I didn’t get A date. I got three.”

Laughs.

“Three dates? How?”

“I smiled, laughed and played with my hair! It really is easy for a girl!”

“I got flat turned down.”

“You?”

“Us!” Jason says, looking down at his breasts.

“What kind of guy turns down Lonnie Anderson?”

“Farah Fawcett. I picked him ‘cause he was a dog,” Jason says. “He ran from me like I was Godzilla.”

“Oh. I see.” Mike says, nodding. “You tried to shop discount when you’re a luxury girl.”

“What does that mean?”

“A blonde fox with a body like that? Regular guys are gonna be intimidated. You gotta find a guy with confidence. You better hurry.”

“Where am I supposed to find a guy with confidence on short notice?” Jason asks, puffing smoke into the air.

CUT TO Jason fighting off Woody.  Even as he struggles to keep Woody from kissing him Jason is giggling and smiling. “You’re so funny!” He says, as he struggles to get to the door.

Laughs.

“Come on. Just one kiss, baby.”

“Not until after our date!” Jason squeals, twisting away and running toward the door.

“But I’m crazy for you!” Woody says. “What am I supposed to do with all this burning desire?”

Jason, relieved, gets to the door. He stops and turns, one hand on the knob, the other reaching down to adjust his shoes. “I don’t know,” Jason says. “Sit on it?”

Laughter.

“You’re a cruel, cruel woman!” Woody says.

Jason smiles and plays with his hair. “You’re so funny!”

And then he slams the door.

We see Jason, back against the door, breathing heavy, sighing with relief. “I have gotta get out of here.” He adjusts his clothes, musses his hair, then walks to his desk. We see him sit, seethe and then hiss, “Men!”

The women cheer.

Cut To Jason with his head tilted sideways as he slips a large, golden hoop earring into his ear. When he’s done, he looks himself over, dusts his face with a fluffy camel hair brush.  He wraps a patterned scarf loosely around his neck. Takes it off. Puts it on.

The audience chuckles.

“I just can’t decide,” Jason says. “Scarf or not scarf?”

“Scarf!”

“It’s a date. With Woody,” Jason says, plucking the scarf off and tossing it aside. “He is not scarf worthy!”

Laughs.

Jason gets up, and we see he is wearing a red knee length A line dress with very small polka dots and a plunging V neckline. Sleeveless, the dress celebrates his tiny little arms and pretty rounded shoulders.

The audience cat calls.

“Stop,” Jason says. “This is humiliating.”

He sits to slip on his pumps, looking elegant and feminine as he does so, despite his objections.

Mike pops in. He’s wearing a purple dress, slightly above knee length, with white buttons down the front and a wide, white collar. Darker purple hose. He has his hair in side ponytails, tied off with bows that match his dress. He throws a hand on his hip, tosses his hip out to the side and says, “Dynomite!”

No reaction from the audience.

“I thought that might be my catch phrase.”

“It belongs to someone else,” Jason says. “Anywho, you look great, but isn’t that dress a little short?”

“I have to work harder,” Mike says, “since I don’t have the Boobsy Twins,” he says, pointing to Jason’s breasts.

Laughter.

“You ready to do this?” Jason says.

“I am,” Mike says. “Che Valiant? I mean, it’s only the fanciest restaurant in town!”

“Yeah, well I hope Woody doesn’t expect me to be desert.”

Laughs.

“It’s kinda of funny both our gents invited us to the same restaurant, don’t ya think?”

“Well, we are stuck in a sitcom.”

Laughs.

“My first date with a man,” Mike says, looking through Jason’s makeup collection. “It’s kind of scary.”

“I don’t even know how to be a girl on a date,” Jason says.

“Smile, play with your hair, laugh at his jokes. I read it in Elle.” Mike opens a tube of Jason’s lipstick. “This is a nice color.”

“Smile. Play with hair. Laugh at jokes? Isn’t that the guide to flirting?”

“It’s also their advice for marriage, only you also have to cook.”

Laughter.

“Let’s be men about this,” Jason says. “It’s just a date, and we’re only doing it so we don’t have to be foxes. You know what? I am not going to laugh at his jokes and be all-- hehehe I’m a silly girl and you’re a guy so I have to worship you. I will not laugh at any of his jokes. In fact, if he tells a joke, I will slap him. We are guys. We are men. We are heroes. Agreed?”

“Agreed,” Mike says.

In unison, they pick up their purses. “Your bag is tres chic,” Mike says.

“I love yours,” Jason says. “It’s cute and so perfect with that dress.”

The audience laughs as the men gush on over their purses.

Cut to Woody. He has a pair of tweezers stuck up his nose. “You can run but you can’t hide,” Woody says. “Got ya!” He yanks and thanks to special effects wizardry pulls a thick, fuzzy nose hair out that looks almost like a caterpillar.

The audience groans in disgust.

Woody looks at it appreciatively. “Rest in peace, soldier,” he says, tossing it away. Woody is wearing a white leisure suit, a black silk shirt unbuttoned down to show off a few scraggly chest hairs.  “And now, my secret weapon,” Woody says. “The thing turns all these foxy foxes into puddy in my hands.”

He picks up a bottle of Faberge Brut. Splashes it on, slapping his face.  “I’m a disco warrior,” he says. “And I am going fox hunting!”

Laughs.

Cut to Harry picking Mike up. He opens the passenger door for him, and as Mike gets into the car, Harry puts a hand on the small of Mike’s back. “Oh!” Mike says. “You’re such a gentleman!”

Cut to Woody picking up Jason. Woody opens the passenger door. “Are you serious?” Jason says.

“I know how to treat a lady,” Woody answers.

“That’ll come in handy one day if you meet the queen.”

Laughter.

As Jason tries to get into the car, Woody reaches out and puts his hand on the small of Jason’s back. Jason squirms away. “Don’t touch me!” He says.

Woody looks at the camera. “Raaarrrrr!”

Cut to Mike and Harry in the car. They are laughing and singing along to “Play That Funky Music White Boy

“Lay down that boogie and play that funky music till you die.”

“Till you die?” Mike says. “That’s a little grim.”

Harry laughs. “You’re so funny.”

Cut to Jason and Woody. Jason is sitting pressed up against the passenger door. He bats Woody’s reaching hand away with a kind of detached boredom.

Laughter.

“I have the best toilet of anyone in my building,” Woody says as he tries to grope Jason. “It’s a Kruegler-Hassan. Imported from Germany. It’s like the BMW of toilets.”

The audience laughs.

“That’s so impressive,” Jason says, in a dead, flat voice.

“My neighbors are seething. Seething. And I don’t even want to get started on my new television.”

“Then don’t,” Jason says. “Follow your instincts.”

Chuckles.

“It’s a Panasonic!” Woody shouts. “The Excelsior!”

“Um, hey?” Jason says.

“Yeah?”

“Do you know any good jokes? Please, tell a joke.”

“Do I know-- do I know a few jokes? I’ve memorized over 5000 jokes. I am known as the Joke Guy down at my club. People are always begging for me to tell my jokes!”

Jason looks at the camera, which is set outside the passenger side window, and he whispers, “I get dressed up for this?”

Laughter.

Cut back to MIke and Harry. They are now bobbing their heads up and down, singing, “meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow.”

“Meow Mix Catfood,” the voiceover guys says as the ad finishes. “Your cat will sing for it!”

Mike and Harry laugh. Harry playful bumps his shoulder up against Harry. “Once I hear that ad, I can never get it out of my head.”

“I’m the same way,” Harry says.

They drive for a time in silence. Then Mike starts whispering, “meow meow meow…”

Cut to Woody talking to the valet. “This is no ordinary Cadillac. It’s a one of a limited edition, extra big engine.”

Jason groans. “Talk about overcompensating.”

Jason opens his own door, but when he tries to reach one leg out as he did as a man, he can’t due to his tight dress.

Chuckles from the audience.

He shifts from side to side, pulls the hem on his dress up a little, but he still can’t get a leg out. “It’s not a dress,” he says, “it’s a prison!”

Laughs.

Mike finally lifts both legs higher than he needs to, then swings them out and plants them on the sidewalk. Then, he grabs the door frame and struggles to get to his feet in the most awkward and clumsy car exit of all time. Finally, he gets to his feet and sighs dramatically.

The camera pulls back, and we now see Woody has come around the car and is watching along with a small crowd of pedestrians, who are all chuckling at Jason’s antics. Jason suddenly realizes he has an audience.

“Whaddya looking at?” Jason bellows.

The audience scatters.

Laughs.

“People,” Jason says, tossing his hair. “You’d think they never saw anyone get out of a car before.”

‘Not like that, they didn’t.” Woody says.

Woody approaches Jason and tries to walk him into the restaurant. Once more, he goes for the hand on the small of the back move, and Jason keeps squirming away. “Stop!”

Inside the restaurant, Woody pulls Jason’s chair out for him. Jason glares. “You’re joking, right? When are you gonna get that I don’t want all this fru fru stuff?”

“I know how to treat a lady,” Woody says. “Whether she wants it or not.”

“I was thinking the same thing when you were mauling me on the couch in your office.”

“You gonna sit down, or we gonna stand here like this all night?”

Jason reluctantly sits.

Woody looks at the camera. “Hard to get is one thing. Hard to sit is another.”

A waiter arrives and hands them menus, fills their glasses with water. “Can I get you started with some drinks?”

“Wine!” Jason says. “Bring the bottle.”

“Sir?” The waiter says.

“Make it two bottles,” Woody says.

The waiter leaves.

“I love a woman who drinks,” Woody says.

“Well, don’t get any ideas, because nothing is gonna happen.”

Jason starts looking over his menu. Woody sets his down without looking and gazes in wonder at Jason. “You’re eyes, the way they sparkle, they are like--”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Jason says. “I hope you brought your wallet ‘cause this place ain’t cheap.” He notices Woody isn’t looking at the menu.  “You aren’t eating?””

“I know the menu,” Woody says. “And I did bring my wallet. It’s the biggest wallet you ever...”

Cut to Mike and Harry, leaning toward each other, their hand son the table, fingers just touching. They gaze into each other’s eyes. “Tell me about yourself,” Harry says. “I find you so fascinating.”

Mike giggles. “I don’t know what to say. I mean, I work as a secretary. And, trust me, it’s not that interesting.”

“Hilarious,” Harry says. “Is that what you wanted to be?”

“Not hardly,” Mike says, chuckling. “I was actually a-- let’s say I was a tomboy.”

“Groovy,” Harry says. “Far out. What else?”

“Well, actually, I’m cold,” Mike says, wrapping his arms around himself and shivering.

“Let’s take care of that,” Harry says, getting up, taking off his jacket and draping it over Mike’s shoulders.

Mike smiles, pulling the jacket tight, delighted. “That’s so nice of you.”

“Better?”

“Much,” Mike says.  “It’s not so bad being a fox,” he says.

Laughs.

Cut Back to Jason and Harry. “Are you ready to order?” The waiter says.

“Yes, I--”

“I’ll have the Porterhouse,” Woody says. “And the lady will have a caesar salad.”

“Very well,” the waiter says, jotting the order down in his little book.

“Hold on,” Jason says. “I can order for myself.”

The waiter looks at him, chuckles and says, “blondes.” Then he walks off.

“What, am I a child? You have to order my food for me?”

“It’s a manly gesture,” Woody says. “It shows I can take charge. As a woman, you love that whether you realize it or not.”

“As a woman,” Jason says, “I am about to kick you in the shin.”

“Kick you in the shin. Is that some hip, new, OW! You just kicked me in the shin!”

“You’re lucky I didn’t aim a little higher!”

The audience roars.

Woody looks at the camera and grins. “I like it when they play rough!” He waggles his eyebrows. I am going to enjoy watching this one eat with those lips”

Laughs.

Jason groans. “Waiter!” He calls. “More wine!”

“Sir?” The waiter says, turning to Woody for permission.

“What are you asking him for? Sexist? Don’t think a woman can make up her own mind?”

“It has nothing to do with your being a woman,’ the waiter says.

“What then?”

“It’s because you’re blonde.” He turns on his heel and marches off to get more wine.

“This Farah Fawcett hair isn’t worth the trouble,” Jason says.

“To me, you look more like Lonnie Anderson,” Woody says.

Laughter.

Cut to Mike in the ladies room, at the mirror, fussing with his hair. He is humming, “meow, meow, meow, meow…”

Jason storms into the room, slamming the door behind him. “Whew!” He says. “Finally the eyes of every guy in the place aren’t burning a hole in my booty!”

“Meow, meow, meow, meow meow?” Mike finishes, then adds, “stop bragging.”

“Har de har har,” Jason responds, not catching Mike’s sincere tone. “I am so done being a fox.”  Jason walks to the bathroom mirror, fishes his compact out of his purse and powders his nose.

“What’s so bad about it?” Mike says, doing the same.

“What’s not so bad? Heels? Dresses? Spending two hours to get ready?” He puts his compact down, starts to grab at the bra strap across his back. “And this bra! It pinches and cuts and chokes me!  Who designed this thing, the Marquis Desade?”

Laughs and applause of recognition from the audience.

“Yeah, but besides all that?” Mike says.

“Besides all that? Isn’t it enough?”

“Maybe you're wearing the wrong bra, sister. My maidenform bra gives me support and freedom!” Mike says, turning side to side, proudly.

“That does really give you a nice shape,” Jason says.

“Thanks!”

“So, it’s not so bad being a fox!” Mike giggles, taking out his lipstick.

“It’s terrible! Because all that, plus, men. Why are men so-- so---?”

“Manly?”

“No. They are apes! Apely! That’s what they are!”

“I take it the date isn’t going well?”

“What gave you that idea?” Jason says, now slipping one of his heels off and rubbing his foot while leaning against the counter. “How about yours?”

“Mine? Oh, it’s okay.” The soundtrack swells: “We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun” as Mike smiles and talks, he waves his hands and we see a montage of Harry’s gentlemanly behavior.

The music fades. “When he put his coat over my shoulders? Oh! It was just perfect!”

Jason throws his shoe at Mike. It hits him on the chest and falls to the ground. “That’s blogus!” Mike shrieks.

The audience roars. Mike does a double take. Claps. “I found my catchprase!” He heads toward the bathroom door.

“Blogus isn’t even a word.”

“It’s more than a word, it’s my catchprase!” Laughter. Mike exists.

“Don’t let that guy talk you into sleeping with him!” Jason yells, turning back to the mirror.  Mussing his hair. “He will! They are all the same!”

“Blogus!” Mike says, adding an index finger wave.

The audience roars some more.

“That is so much better than dynomite,” Mike murmurs as he leaves.

“Catchphrases,” Jason grumbles.  “Ask me this whole thing is getting even freakier and deakier!”

Laughs.

Jason fusses with his hair for a bit. The set is quiet. Then, Jason starts to sing, “meow, meow, meow. meow….”

Montage: Mike and Harry eating a piece of spaghetti like the dogs from The Lady and the Tramp. Jason drinking wine. Woody talking. Jason pouring more wine into his glass. Jason pouring more wine. Harry and Mike sharing desert, gazing into each other’s eyes.  Woody talking. Jason picking up the whole bottle of wine and guzzling.

CUT TO Harry helping Mike out of the car.  He walks Mike to the door to his building. The two are laughing and talking.

Music: We hear the opening trumpets from the Theme From Rocky. Mike lingers at the door, smiling up at Harry, who tugs at his collar.  The Theme From Rocky rises toward its crescendo. Then, he steps forward and kisses Mike.  MIke’s leg kicks up as he leans into the kiss. We hear the chant begin in the wong “Gonna Fly Now…”

Cut to Jason. Extreme closeup. We see only his face. He stares into the camera. He looks stunned.  The camera pulls back, and we see his neck, then his bare shoulders, and then a sheet pulled across his chest. It pulls back further and we see he is lying in bed, a cigarette in his hand, tendrils of smoke curling up toward the camera.

“I was really on tonight,” he hear Woody call from off cameras. “Welcome to the big leagues, kid. I know it was good for you, so I don’t need to ask.”

Jason takes a puff on his cigarette. Blows the smoke toward the camera, which keeps rising away from him. He whispers, “meow, meow, meow, meow , meow…”

The camera pulls away and rises up to show the Empire State Building. We hear the theme song play:

The closing credits roll as the theme song plays out:

Guys. Guys just moved to the city

Thinking that life was so pretty

But then they found

Themselves wearing gowns

And it’s heels

And skirts all day

And it’s hands

Just groping away

But somehow these two guys

Will learn to be women

Will learn to be women