Amber - 18 (Patreon)

It might be a problem with this arc that actually exists, the fact that I managed to lose my buffer to rewriting, or just the general depression I'm in at the moment, but I'm really regretting this sub-arc.

I'm sorry it dragged out as long as it has. Tomorrow's chapter is the last of it; three whole chapters on something that shouldn't have taken that long to get through and I hate it.

Things should pick up after the meeting ends, the final scene of which will come next Saturday. Unless I fuck up writing that too and balloon it. One other event, not related to the Order of Amber directly, in the Blackwald, and then it's on to dealing with the Famine.

My pacing is miserable and I hate it.

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It had taken what felt like half the night of walking to cool off enough to remember that I should be able to purge myself of toxins, to amp up my metabolism and cleanse myself of the poison running through my veins. But for all the magic I threw at it, for all that what I should be doing should be working, I still didn't feel calm like I should. There was still a need burning inside me that made me want to do things that I shouldn't.

That I was being made to want.

As easy as it would be to give in and take care of myself, to stop and relieve the demands of my body and maybe clear some of the fog that clouded my head, the idea felt like surrendering and succumbing to whatever had done this to me. The very thought filled me with shame, shame to mix with the guilt I felt at what Vivi must have thought coming back to look for me and not finding me.

If she had come back.

I almost hoped she hadn't, that she had stayed with Celestine and the children and not come looking for me. That she hadn't been disappointed.

What… What if she had come back, seen me, and found someone else to dance with instead? To… to…

"Fuck." I cried, tightening my arms around my knees as tears fell down my cheeks.

How did this even happen? I never got close enough to the cauldrons, never got close enough to the tea. I was sure of it. And even if I had, that wouldn't explain this; the mix might be a potent aphrodisiac – and fertility aid, my mind gleefully supplied – but a low dose like that couldn't possibly be enough to explain this.

My hand went to my belly, pressing against it. Where if I'd had even a little bit less self-control I could be carrying new life.

"Fuck." How much of this could I even attribute to being drugged? How much of it was me being a randy teenager? Had I even been drugged?

Just how much of the decision to get so close to following my mother's footsteps, of becoming a mother far too young and with someone I didn't truly know, had been my own? How much of it had been me being willing?

I didn't know.

Saying I hadn't enjoyed it would be a lie. Saying I hadn't wanted it would be a lie. I still wanted it, no drugs in my system, just... whatever was left of my randiness pushing me to keep going. I'd been all too willing to let it happen, too happy to go along with it, even though I should have known better sooner. I'd come that close to giving in and letting it happen.

It would be easier if I could say, with certainty, that I'd taken the tea. It would be so much simpler to say that I'd not been in my right mind and blame that instead of myself. But I couldn't think of how, the only strange thing I could remember drinking was Daniel's shitty cider.

For all it was awful, I hadn't had enough of it and it had been sealed.

"Gwen?" A wet voice called out, the owner had clearly been crying recently. I looked up, blinking away tears, and found Vivi standing a few feet away. She stood nervously, her hands wringing in front of her as she seemed to be lost as to what to say. Tear tracks ran down her cheeks, none fresh but present. "Gwen, are... are you okay?"

Shaking my head I let out a manic wet giggle. "No," I said, blinking away a new wave of tears. "I'm not okay. I think I was drugged. I... I don't know. I don't know." I squeezed into a tighter ball. She had come looking for me, and she'd found me. With someone else.

I was the one who made Vivi cry.

"Oh," She mumbled. For a moment I'd briefly hoped she would have rushed over to me, hugged me, comforted me and said it was okay. Or something. Not just standing there, looking tense as new tears appeared at the corners of her eyes. "So... so you didn't... you and him?"

"I..." I swallowed, looking away in shame. "I don't even know his name. He... he was there, and I... I still just feel..." My fingers caught flesh as they clenched, painful but I didn't care. "I'm sorry."

Dancing with her was going to be the only part of the night I didn't regret, but it was still going to be tainted by the rest of it. Ruined by my own lack of control. If she didn't forgive me I would understand, it wasn't like I was forgiving myself right now.

"I'm sorry, Vivi, for leaving you behind." I whispered, my voice unable to go higher. "I should have waited for you. I should have gone with you I should have–"

Vivi pulled my head up, looking me dead in the eye. "No," She said, though her voice was still thick and wet. On the verge of crying again. "They... they separated us. Split us up. Kept me away... and..." Her own hand went to her stomach and she took a deep breath. The gesture sent a spark of fear through me, had someone tried to– "It's not your fault."

"It is." I protested. I was the one who didn't wait for her. "Vivi, did something happen? Did anyone–"

She shook her head and I sighed in relief.

"It hurt, Gwen. Seeing you with him. I... I like you, I wanted, I want to..." She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. "It hurt a lot. I thought you... but, it's not your fault. You never... you escaped from him."

"I did," I giggled wetly, "and I forgot to free him!" Oh, he was probably out by now. But I'd forgotten to let him go.

Vivi giggled too, the sound soft and airy despite how choked she was. "I saw." She said, then blushed. "I may have, um, kicked him. When he couldn't see me. For taking you from me..."

I smiled, hesitating from reaching out. "Playing my knight in enchanted armour again?" The joke felt hollow, but Vivi laughed anyway.

She wasn't angry at me. It felt good knowing that, even if I was still worried and feeling guilty, the knowledge I hadn't hurt my friend so much that she hated me was good. Things could have turned out so much worse. I never should have followed Heather over to the fire, Vivi and I could've just found somewhere else to dance. We didn't need the music.

If only Vivi had been my knight in shining armour, intervening to save me from the brute who had ensorceled me.

It would have been so much better.

"Gwen?" She said, brushing my cheek with a thumb. I shivered, the sensation so similar and yet so different from what had been done to me earlier. "Can I... can I kiss you?"

My mind froze and my heart felt like it stopped. Vivi looked so fragile, so scared; like the barest thing could shatter her.

This was the wrong time, we had both been crying, I had been drugged, she had been hurt by me failing to wait for her and... and being lured away by someone else. Vivi was my friend, close enough to be my best friend if I wasn't so terrible at deciding that. She was gorgeously pretty, strong and dedicated, and so skilled she kept amazing me with what she could do and how far she progressed on the barest instruction or concept.

If she had asked any other day I was sure I would have said yes, would have accepted without even the barest hint of hesitation. I'd dreamed of both her and Lorna enough that the only thing stopping me in the past was my own fear of rejection.

Of Vivi saying no like Lorna had.

Now, it was the situation. Looking at her, at her crying face, her button nose and eyes frowned with worry and fear, I still felt desire. But how much of it was me? How much of what I felt was my own emotions and not the poison I couldn't seem to banish from my system?

"I..." The moment dragged on and her gaze fell, and a leaden weight fell into my stomach with it. Saying no would hurt her, even a justified delay and – and I'd already hurt her enough.

"Yes," I said breathlessly. "Yes, I'd like that."

Vivi slowly lifted her head, her breath tight. A hint of a smile showed, stirring a warmth inside me and lifting that sudden weight I'd felt; my eyes fixated on her lips as she bit down on it lightly, worrying it for a moment as mischievousness worked its way into her gaze. Then, with all the decisiveness I knew she had, she darted forward and pressed her lips against mine.

It was a chaste and simple kiss, yet as she scrabbled to get closer to me, to wind a hand through my hair and hold me to her, I could feel the emotion buried within it. As I processed that this was what Vivi felt like a shiver of excitement ran down my spine.

I pressed back against her, shifting so that we could be closer. Her hand pulled on my hair and

I gasped openly against her, my tongue reaching out to taste her lips for just a moment.

She jolted back in surprise for an instant, her eyes wide and her mouth opening as she touched where I'd touched. In that moment I felt a strangely profound sense of loss, why were they over there and not kissing me?

"Oh," She whispered, smiling again and licking her lips tantalisingly as she tugged on my hair to keep me in place. "Okay, then."

Her mouth returned with a vengeance and I was all too happy to let her take the lead.

-oOoOo-

A cold breeze washed over my skin, stirring me from slumber. Faint rays of sunlight danced over my skin, leaving traces of warmth, while the birds were singing and heralding the advance of a new day. Something heavy was resting on my chest, along with the soft sound of breathing that wasn't coming from me. Prying my eyes open I was greeted by a great curtain of crimson hair and the events of last night caught up to me.

Vivi. Vivianne Mistmantle. My friend, my girlfriend, my...

My breath hitched and my cheeks warmed as Vivi stirred, shifting lightly in her sleep but still clinging to me. Vivi, my... my lover.

I couldn't help but smile at the cute little snores she was making, the utterly peaceful expression on her face, nor could I stop myself from reaching out to brush my fingers through her hair. Had I really told her to give her hair to me? To let me take care of it since she didn't care to take care of it properly herself?

Keepers, that had been corny... and kind of embarrassing.

Not that it had been the most embarrassing thing to happen last night. We hadn't gone... all the way, but there had been plenty involved. From all the kisses, so many wonderful kisses, to the caresses and less chaste touches. I had never really thought I'd go that far so quickly even with someone I cared about and already knew like Vivi, but considering the–

My mind stuttered and I shot up, Vivi falling from my chest into my lap as I pushed myself upright.

There was no way I would have done what I did last night so soon after entering a relationship if I hadn't been drugged. There was no way I would have done anything I did last night if I hadn't been drugged. More importantly, I'd been drugged. My hands clenched into the grass carpet of the forest floor and I sucked in a harsh breath.

"Gwen?" Vivi mumbled softly, looking up at me blearily.

Had I gone too far? What if I'd pushed Vivi into something she wasn't ready for? I'd been– I thought I'd cleansed myself–

But... but I didn't regret it. So long as Vivi was okay, it was... it wasn't okay. But I didn't regret what happened with her, it would have been better if it hadn't, if our first time, hells, our first kiss could have been when we were both ourselves, but I was happy it was Vivi all the same. The only one who could compete was Lorna, and even then... Vivi was precious, always trying to be interested and willing to find time for me.

How had I been so blind?

If only last night hadn't been tainted it would've been perfect.

"Morning, Vivi," I said, trying to push the hurt and disgust aside for a moment. My nails dug into my palms, it wasn't working. "Sleep well?"

I didn't know the name of the man who nearly– who I nearly– Keepers, I'd just left him there. Was he still stuck? No, surely not, I hadn't even tied him up that tightly. Served him right if he was stuck all night.

He'd taken advantage of me. He hadn't listened when I said no. When I finally mustered enough control to refuse he'd pressed, tried to take what he didn't have the right to have. What I would have killed him for taking. And... and... it all felt too contrived. Too coincidental to be real.

Slowly Vivi blinked, then broke out into a wondrous smile as she realised it was all real. The radiant joy on her face distracted me from my thoughts. "Good morn–" She started, then she blinked again as she took in my state of undress – the state she put me in – and flushed a deep, deep crimson. "Ah!" She squeaked as she scrambled backwards, realising her own situation and working to cover herself up and glancing around us as if someone was going to burst out of the trees to see us half naked at any moment.

The sight was a welcome balm, putting a real smile on my face for a moment as I burst into giggles.

"It's not funny!" Vivi protested, turning half to the side before thinking better of it as she started doing her buttons back up. "You're– ugh, Gwen, what if someone sees?!"

"What if I want you to see?" I teased, tilting my head, my heart fluttering as her breath hitched and her fingers stopped working. But, still, as I said it, I started reclaiming my own clothes. Buttons and corset straps needed to be done back up, and my skirt was... somewhere. "As much as I want to just..." I trailed off, my gaze drifting away as my mind wandered back to what happened last night.

Not Vivi, before her.

My hands clenched into my shirt and shook.

"Just...?" Vivi asked, seeming to not notice.

Taking a deep breath and squeezing my eyes shut for a moment I forced myself to regain my composure and put a smile on my face. I crawled forward, closer to Vivi, enjoying but not properly appreciating how she looked at me with how I felt and planted a short chaste kiss on her lips. "That," I said, though the smug tone I wanted didn't come through.

Vivi smiled for a moment before furrowing her brow. "Gwen?" She asked, "Are you okay?"

I didn't answer, just closing my eyes again and taking in a deep breath.

She put her arms around me and pulled me into a hug. She smelled like apples, her favourite soap, it was... it wasn't enough.

"No," I said, shaking my head, "I'm not okay." My fingers dug into her shirt, her back, hard enough that I felt her wince. "I was drugged, Vivi, I–"

"It's okay," She said nervously and held me tight. "Nothing hap–

"No!" I yelled, forcing my way out of her arms. Fuck. "No, it is not okay, I was drugged. I nearly– I forgot about you and– what if I–"

How did it happen? How did it happen?

It wasn't Daniel's drink, the cider, it wasn't my water either since I kept my own skin on me all the time, it wasn't... the tea. The sweet honeyed tea I'd down to get the taste of the cider out of my mouth.

"Gwen?" Vivi looked up at me worriedly.

"Janice." I hissed.

-oOoOo-

No matter how much I wanted to ransack the camp and find Janice, to hunt her down so that I could string her up and make her suffer for putting me in the situation she did before I forced out of her whoever else was in on it, I knew that was the wrong choice. She couldn't have done it alone and if I made a spectacle of finding her they'd be aware in advance. And besides, I knew better ways of finding someone than just looking for them.

I just needed to be in the right spot to do it, or here and now somewhere that would make it easier to do it.

"Shouldn't we be going to Celestine?" Vivi asked softly, looking off towards our cluster of tents that we were marching past. She was still trying in vain to smooth out the creases in her clothes and put her hair straight; I had scarcely bothered. Right now, I just didn't care enough to bother. "She–"

"No!" I snapped, regretting it immediately as she looked at me in shock. A part of me knew that was the right choice, the sensible one, but I quashed it. I didn't want to be sensible right now, I wanted to find Janice and make her hurt. "No, I'm doing this. I need to." I said more softly, my hand twitching as I wondered if I should apologise for snapping.

Wondering. I knew I should, but the words didn't want to come out. I didn't want to say it.

Vivi stared at me a moment, not faltering in following me, then took my hand and smiled sadly. "Okay, I'm with you."

I swallowed thickly, the anger I felt faltering for a brief moment.

"Thank you." I squeezed out, the words sounding wrong to my ears in some way; and yet she still squeezed my hand reassuringly.

She didn't let go as we continued on, and nor did I want her to. Her presence helped me focus on what I should do to find Janice rather than what I wanted to do to find her; we had spent an extended amount of time beneath Tal'Doren, all in a group. I didn't know if there were any traces of her left there but even just being in the right spot would be enough to do a proper scrying.

If anyone took note of us as we made our way to Tal'Doren they didn't make any fuss over it. The camp was still only just waking up, a few of the more dutiful witches going about their morning routines and starting to clean up the mess of last night. It was going to start all over again tonight before it finished, a thought that made my stomach churn and my chest tighten; bile burned at my throat as disgust washed through me.

I was going to have to stay far, far away this time. Far away and keep a close on everything I ate or drank to make sure it couldn't possibly happen again. I didn't want to be the sort that tested everything they ate out of paranoia... but I was going to have to for a time, I think.

Vivi stood silently as I scoured the spot by Tal'Doren's root, searching for anything that had been left behind. I glowered as I saw the stupid spider bottle from yesterday lying in the grass; if I'd been in my right mind I would have collected it and taken it away myself. Daniel should've been the one to do it, and wasting actual glass was absurd, but if no one else had I would have done it.

Should have done it.

Still, as objects went it was enough for my purposes. Hardly perfect since she wasn't the only one who had taken a drink from it – most of us had – but I didn't mind seeing them if it found me Janice.

The mug I'd drunk from would have been better, but it seemed she was smart enough to leave with it.

"Give me a minute," I said irritably.

"Magic stuff, got it." Vivi said, a hint of concern in her voice. "I'll keep an eye out."

I nodded stiffly and put the bottle in front of me, tracing a faint circle in the dirt and grass around it. Much as Modera had taught me years ago, it wasn't strictly necessary; but even a faint scratch in the dirt, nothing more than a vague self-defined barrier between the object and the rest of the world, helped delineate the chosen focus from all else. It was more for the caster's mind than the spell, a mental construct rather than a magical one, but it did help.

Most magic could be done purely mentally, without gestures, words, or foci and using only Mana and pure Will. It was just so much harder.

And reciting random magical trivia to myself was almost working to distract myself from the gnawing pit of disgust and violation I felt in my gut.

Almost.

Taking a deep breath I raised my head skyward, looking through the shifting indifferent leaves of Tal'Doren.

The lack of care of what had happened to me from the Great Tree, which had to be aware of what happened in its grove, sparked my fury for a moment – but of course, it didn't care. It was the Wild Home. And wild beasts cared little for how they reproduced, cared little for consent, and certainly cared not at all for a situation like mine. For every species that lived in natural monogamy, there were others like ducks and their natural gang rapes.

Animals would fight, they would kill, and they would force themselves on others to ensure their bloodlines continued. Nature was a competition and there was no such thing as cheating in the struggle to survive.

Tal'Doren had no reason to care.

Even knowing that a well of anger bubbled inside me. "At least you don't approve." I hissed before taking another deep breath and refocusing on the distant stars above, shrouded and hidden by the sun's light.

If Vivi heard me, any response she made to my words was drowned out by the old and familiar alien chill of Starlight falling to Azeroth, that natural yet unnatural order that formed their being. Even through the light of day, they descended upon our world, the alien nature somewhat filtered and changed by the sun's rays as they bridged the unimaginable gulf of the Great Dark Beyond, but it didn't matter to me. I could still tease out the feeling and find them amongst the sun's light.

Show me those that touched this bottle last night. I asked without words.

First, I saw: Heather lying in the grass, a wide smile on her face as she lay atop a satisfied–

No. Then: Two girls, one red of hair and one of brown, beneath the boughs–

Again, no. Third: A flaxen-haired woman with dimpled cheeks resting in a tent beside her lover–

I breathed out and opened my eyes, ignoring Tal'Doren rustling loudly above me. "There you are," I said grimly, a dark smile forming on my face. It wasn't her tent, not by the clothes there, but I knew where she was. "Vivi, I found her."

She looked back at me. "Already?"

Biting back a retort that, yes, I'd obviously already found her, I nodded. Vivi wasn't the one I was angry at and shouldn't take how I felt out on her. Shouldn't. She took my hand again and I squeezed tight, focusing on my breathing as tears pricked at the edge of my eyes.

I hated this.

"Let's go." I said, pushing it aside.

Even though it hadn't taken long, dawn had well and truly happened now and more people were starting to wake and move about. I spied Joseline leaning against one of her partners from last night, chatting away as if nothing had happened. The sight of her, and dozens of other people waking up and just talking to each other, or even exchanging chaste and not so chaste kisses, only set my blood boiling all over again and a horrid wrenching feeling in my gut.

That should've been me and Vivi, happy and just enjoying each other's presence. Vivi winced and I glanced at her, then let go of her hand as if it burned me; I'd squeezed hard enough that it hurt.

"Viv–"

"Gwen! Vivi!" Trix yelled, running up to us and blocking my way towards Janice. "Where were you? Celestine said not to worry but you were supposed to come back! Gwen?" She slowed, looking up at me confusedly as Richard caught up with her.

The two of them just looked at me, my students, my apprentice, the ones I'd been supposed to be looking after but I hadn't because of being drugged.

I grimaced, taking in a sharp breath.

"Gwen?" Trix looked between us, narrowing her eyes at me and putting her hands on her hips. "Did you kiss? Did you go off to have sex like all the other adults, Gwen? With Vivi?" She huffed loudly and threw her hands into the air. "You should've said! I wouldn't have stayed up waiting for you!"

"But they're both girls," Richard said confusedly.

Trix rolled her eyes at him and crossed her arms. "Doesn't matter if they love each other." She said with the absolute certainty of a child who knew they were right.

"Yeah, but how? They've got girl–"

"Stop." I snapped, struggling with the annoyance I was feeling. They were being cute, in their own way, and I was glad Trix was supportive. But... "Just, stop. I don't have time." Stepping around Trix I continued in the direction of Janice's tent. "Go back to Celestine, Trix."

"What? No!" She protested, "I didn't get to see you–"

"I said stop, Patricia!" I snapped again, louder and harsher, and she recoiled as if I'd struck her. I gritted my teeth and kept my mouth shut. They. Did. Not. Deserve. This.

"My name's Trix!" She retorted automatically. There was a moment of silence, where normally I would tease her, and once it passed she looked scared.

Damnit.

Vivi put a hand on my shoulder and I closed my eyes. "It's not a good time, Trix." She said softly.

"But–"

"C'mon, Trix," Richard said, grabbing her and pulling her away. "The other apprentices are waking up."

"They were mean to you!" Trix protested, her voice getting fainter.

I stood there, starting to shake as I took in sharp breaths, while Vivi kept her arm on me. A single anchor in the mess of emotions I was feeling. Hurting Trix was the last thing I wanted to do. No, what I wanted, what I needed to do was find Janice. To get some bloody answers to what she was doing and why. To beat out of her whoever else was involved so I could feel safe again.

Taking a deep breath again I clenched my hands until they stopped shaking, then started walking again. Vivi's fingers trailed softly on my shoulder for a moment before she moved to catch up, marching beside me.

"I'm sorry," Vivi said, sounding small. "I hadn't realised how much this had hurt you. I... Light, Gwen I'm sorry. I should have stopped this. I could have stopped this." Her hand gripped the sword at her hip, clenching so hard that her knuckles were turning white.

Something bubbled up inside me. "Don't blame yourself, I could've stopped it myself if I'd..." I said bitterly, trailing off at the end and shaking my head. "Just don't."

Even if I wished she had really been my knight in enchanted armour last night like I'd joked, found me when it was happening and stopped it rather than after. She had followed me, clearly, even if she saw me with him. Had seen all of it happen. She could have stopped it.

I crushed that thought beneath the anger I felt. It wasn't her fault.

It was the man's, it was Janice's, it was whoever had helped her drug me. Whoever set her up to do it. Someone who thought I was involved in changing things, someone who wanted things to remain as they were striking at me instead of Celestine because I was just a child. I'd show them the mistake of that.

"Back when Celestine first brought me here she had to put me to sleep, to preserve the secret of the Tal'Doren's location." I said, the words tumbling out in a rush. "Like I did for you." Vivi nodded, acknowledging what I said. "But, she didn't tell me she was going to do it. I didn't know. I ate a meal, a meal in a warm cottage that she made out to be safe, and just... fell asleep. Only to wake up miles away, half in a stupor from the soporific she had forced on me."

A half-crazed laugh ripped its way out of me, remembering my fury at Celestine from back then. There was a reason I didn't want to go to Celestine over this. She hadn't understood; she learned from her mistake with me but hadn't understood why it was a mistake.

Maybe she did now. Or maybe she would think drugging someone without their consent was okay and brush aside what had happened to me.

"It terrified me. Celestine betrayed me doing that, and if– if we hadn't been attacked by a spider the size of a man soon after I don't think I'd have forgiven her." Then, Mama left and I felt betrayed all over again because she hadn't told me.

Vivi opened her mouth, concern mixed with a flicker of something else as she was about to say something. Only, she bit her tongue and ducked her head.

I looked at her for a few moments, wondering what that meant, but shook my head. It didn't matter. We'd reached the tent Janice was hiding in. I flexed a hand, torn between the thoughts I'd had on how to do this; I was stronger than her. Physically, magically, and... I wanted her to be afraid.

It wasn't hard to feel her inside the tent, a little mote of Life, her magic, lying beside another. Their flavours were oh-so-subtly different, feminine and masculine; but I didn't care about whoever he was, just her. I planted my feet and reached, the forest here was reluctant as ever, Tal'Doren dominant and unwilling to let me just exert my will. But I was adamant. Here and now I needed this.

With more force than grace, the forest moved, a thunderous crack and tumultuous snapping and groaning as roots burst from the soil, sprouting leaves and roots turning into grasping branches as they tore the tent from its moorings and lifted it into the air. Janice, still half asleep and dressed only in a nightshirt, was dragged into the air and suspended there.

There were a few gasps and shouts of alarm, but I ignored them, my eyes fixated on the woman who had drugged me.

She gasps as the branches tighten around her arms, binding her tighter, squeezing and constricting as they wound their way around her. "Janice," I hissed, catching her fear-stricken eyes. She tried to use her own magic, to combat what I was doing, but she didn't hold a candle to me. "You drugged me. You set me up."

"No–" She gasped, "I–"

"Who made you do it?!" I shouted, ignoring the man who was hastily pulling on trousers as he hopped away. He didn't matter. "Who told you to drug me? Who did this?!"

"Gwen–"

"Not now, Vivi!" I snapped.

"Yes, now, Gwyneth." Celestine said tiredly, her hand landing on my shoulder and forcing me to turn away from Janice. There was a Duskwing Raven on her shoulder, the one from yesterday – before Janice drugged me – and it was preening its feathers of sand. She, herself, looked more exhausted than angry; like she had only just woken up. "I think now is exactly when you need to tell me what you're doing."