All the World's a Stage - Chapter 26 (Patreon)

Ondori looked over the checklist, ticking them off as he went and murmuring under his breath.

Sasori waited patiently with a team of small puppets around him. Not Muppets, but child-sized combat puppets each two heads shorter than himself. They were completely identical save for the color of the raggedy cloaks they wore; red, blue, and green.

Next to him, with much less patience, Jiki had her own trio of puppets. Porcelain heads atop ragdoll bodies with wooden skeletons, and the most beautifully articulated ceramic hands Jiki could make. They wore different colors as well (yellow, purple and pink, all pastel) but they could also be distinguished by their expression. Yellow’s face was a wild grin, Purple’s was an expression of quiet fury, and Pink one of serene grace.

Sasori coughed politely. “Your puppets really are beautiful, Jiki-san.”

Jiki gave him a slightly less-hostile look. “Of course they are.”

Ozu rolled his eyes. He saw Ondori reach for his canteen and smirked. He gave the other two a look of watch this, and said, “Hey Kermit, remind us what the next show’s premise is?”

The frog looked up while Ondori was drinking. “In honor of the Chunin Exams, our puppets will be performing one of their own. Tomorrow night’s show will be training and a social test, and then--” Ondori choked, and so Kermit did too, breaking off with a wheeze.

Sasori and Ozu clapped. “Bravo,” Ozu said. “The ventriloquism is getting better all the time!”

Ondori recovered and looked at him, confused, before his expression cleared and he nodded. “Oh, right. Yes, thank you. Practice makes something like perfect, you know. As I was saying. Monday’s show will be the ‘tournament.’ All of this will be interspersed with the usual music spots, of course. I’ve got a story for the whole thing.”

“I read your story,” Jiki said testily. “Why does your puppet get to be the one in charge?”

Ondori shrugged. “Sweetums was Dekukage first. If you had finished rebuilding Hime, I could have been persuaded to make her the Nidaime, but--”

“That’s not fair! I’ve spent all my time on this stupid show, I haven’t had time to make a new one!” Jiki stomped her foot, growling.

Ozu sighed, annoyed. “Listen, princess, we won’t have time to do a rehearsal tomorrow before the show because I’ll be busy signing Sawa into the exams that morning. Let’s just get through this, alright?”

“Right,” Ondori agreed. “My team is Ms. Piggy, Gonzo and Fozzie, with Rowlf as their sensei. Jiki, scenes with Piggy and your dolls are going to be complicated, so we need to hash out who’s doing what now. Do you want to let me control her and have you do the voice, or--”

“I can do both,” Jiki snapped. “Just because I prefer to use one puppet at a time doesn’t mean I can’t do all four. These ones don’t have as many moving parts as most of mine.”

Ondori nodded happily. “As you say. And you’re acting as the sensei directly?” At her nod, he turned to Sasori. “And what about you, who is your sensei?”

As an answer, the boy unsealed a hulking puppet that resembled, in short, a truncated scorpion with a human torso in place of a head.

Jiki screamed. “Disgusting!”

Sasori’s eyes narrowed. The puppet’s tail brushed against her leg and she screamed again.

Ondori clapped his hands. “Okay, we’re going to run through the script. Yaji and Chosho aren’t here, so Ozu, you’ll handle their lines.”

“About that.” Ozu held up his script. “For their parts, you just have ‘Statler and Waldorf say something funny.’ What am I supposed to do with that?”

“...I’ll get back to you on that.”

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Later

The day the Chunin Exams start.

Sawa was excited. He’d been convinced that there were still a few years before he would be good enough to be chunin, but Ozu-sensei was sure he could do it. Sawa had really grown the past few months, even he could tell. He’d branched out and grown in leaps and bounds, and he’d first realized it during the mission in Bear.

But he didn’t want to get ahead of himself. His combat training wouldn’t help him in the first exam. Right now, he and his team were simply waiting for the First Exam to start. A few examinees were still filtering into the lecture hall being used for the first stage.

It was a shame he was missing the next couple shows. Sawa owed a lot of his progress to Ondori’s hobby and the strange ways it tested his skills. But he’d make up for it afterwards; he already had a new idea for a seal he and Shinema had been working on with Sasori that would improve the sensory feedback from a puppet; a skillfully made puppet could provide limited sight and sound to the puppeteer. Sawa had been working on one that would make the puppet’s eyes more useful, and he was itching to try out the new design in his head. If he made the seal itself look like an eye--

Beside him, between Sawa and Shinema, their third cleared his throat loudly. He was an older genin who had been avoiding them since their assignment to a team. He clearly thought they were just kids, which was unfair.

Sawa wished they could have taken it with Sasori, but he was already a chunin sadly.

“Alright, now that we’re together we should take a moment to assess each other’s skills,” the older genin said. He hadn’t volunteered his name as yet, and neither Shinema or Sawa had asked.

…They probably should, that could make things difficult later on. But first…

“Here?” Shinema asked, incredulous. “Right now?”

He frowned, annoyed. “We’re not going to have another chance before the survival test,” he said pointedly.

“He’s right,” Sawa said, smiling innocently. “After all, we haven’t had a chance to talk to him all week. It’s not like we could have talked then.”

Before the older genin could retort, Shinema continued, “But here, now? Surrounded by our potential opponents?”

“Listen, it’s fine,” he insisted. “I’ve taken the chunin exams before, it’s not a big deal.”

Sawa and Shinema exchanged a look; somehow, knowing that their teammates had taken the promotion exams multiple times did not inspire confidence. “Alright,” he said at length. “Why don’t you start?”

The genin leaned back, looking smug. “I’m medic-nin working in the hospital. I can heal bones and use chakra scalpels in close quarters, and I also know plenty of genjutsu.”

Sawa’s eyebrows rose. “A healer, that’s good.”

“They won’t let me learn proper surgery until I’m at least chunin, so I need this promotion. What about you, girl?”

“My name is Shinema,” she said flatly. “I’m a sealing specialist. I am carrying one hundred and thirty-two high-yield explosive seals on my person right now, and also a variety of more special effects. I’ve already packed my storage seals full of enough supplies for all three of us for two weeks. And I also use a naginata and Lightning-release techniques.”

She turned to Sawa, who took the cue. “And my name is Sawa. I’m also learning seals and I have a variety of effects available to me, including reusable smoke tags and flashbangs. I’m also apprenticed under a kenjutsu master, and have on me a tanto, a katana, and an odachi. I’ve been experimenting with applying elemental seals to them as well, but it only kind of works right now. I also have a couple puppets, but I’ve never used them in combat before.”

Their teammates stared at them, jaw flapping.

“Oh, and I have Wind release.”

“Did I hear someone say odachi?”

The older genin was saved from having to respond by the arrival of a team of genin a couple years younger than Shinema and Sawa that neither of them had ever met before.

“I did, yes,” Sawa said guardedly. He shot the older genin, who still hadn’t introduced himself, a look of See?

The tallest boy took a seat directly behind them, flanked by his team. “I’ve been looking into getting an--I mean, taking up kenjutsu lessons. I’ve always wanted an odachi.”

Sawa hesitated, then shrugged. “I prefer the standard katana. The extra reach and power are nice, but I’ll take speed and maneuverability any day.”

“Agree to disagree! If you get strong enough you can make the odachi just as fast as the katana!” He stuck out his hand. “I’m, ah, Koya.”

“Sawa.” His eyes narrowed, but ignored the hesitation. Probably just a young ninja getting nervous at his first exam.

“Did you mention puppets?” The shorter boy asked. Sawa had to stop himself from flinching--something about the kid’s eyes was off.

“Yes, I, uh, I help out on the Muppet Show a lot.”

Sawa prepared for their reaction. It was kind of a toss-up what any given Suna shinobi thought about Ondori’s ongoing project. A lot of ninja were coming around on it, or at least acknowledging its right to exist, but there were still a few who viewed it as a waste of time, or worse, and affront to the art of ninja puppetry.

Thankfully, these three turned out to be fans.

“That’s so cool!” the girl shouted just a little too loudly. “Hey, can you tell me something?”

“Uh, sure?”

“What’s up with band? Why are they all so weird, and why is the red one like that?”

“All drummers are animals,” Shinema said. “Or at least that’s what Kokoro said.” She grinned. “As for why they look like that, Kokoro-san got her three- and five-year-old to help design them. I’m told.”

“Do you work on the show too?”

“I help out.”

“Shut up,” their teammates murmured. “The proctor just stepped in the door.”

Sawa nodded goodbye and turned to face the front. While he hadn’t been looking, a sheet of paper had been placed in front of them.

The proctor, an ANBU operative wearing a half-veil patterned after a scarab, glared over them until they were all quiet.

“It took some of you as many as fourteen seconds to notice me. That’s thirteen and a half seconds more than is acceptable for a chunin.” He swept his gaze across the room. “If the exam had started yet, half of you would already be disqualified.”

Sawa swallowed. Oh, this is going to be fun.