All the World's a Stage - Chapter 18 (Patreon)

The Kazekage looked over the report in his hand. Then he traded it for the report on the desk. They were both the same handwriting, and had almost exactly the same content, but the second was written with a different cadence and slightly altered diction.

Ondori had written two mission reports. One from himself… and one, allegedly, from Kermit the Frog.

Satoshi was genuinely unsure whether Ondori was pulling a joke or not. He chose to believe so, because the alternative promised to be a headache.

“And you’re certain these three shinobi were Nara Shikaku, Yamanaka Inoichi, and Akimichi Choza?”

“That’s what they said,” Ondori confirmed. “Why, are they important?” The Kazekage started to respond, but Ondori kept going. “I mean, I know that those clans are close with each other and have a history of working together. That’s common, right?”

Satoshi felt Rasa shift behind him. On his other side, a kunoichi named Pakura murmured something unflattering towards Ondori’s intelligence. Satoshi wondered if Ondori heard; the man himself didn’t appear to notice, but the frog on his shoulder turned to look at her.

“It is not uncommon,” Satoshi responded. “Ondori, are you up to date on the latest Bingo Book?”

“The wh--oh, those things. I never liked bingo much,” Ondori said. “I preferred sudoku.”

The other three ninja stared at him.

Rasa broke first. “Are you jok--”

“I’m joking, yes. Sorry.”

“I thought it was funny,” Kermit said quietly, shrinking back when Satoshi glanced at him.

“Droll. Get yourself a copy at the mission center,” the Kazekage ordered.

“Yes sir.”

The man was completely unaware that he had found himself in a battle with a team of clan heirs. Even if it was only two-thirds, it was the deadlier two-thirds. And if his report was accurate--and Satoshi suspected it never even occurred to Ondori to embellish--then he was able to give them a very frustrating fight indeed.

“How have you stayed chunin so long?” Satoshi wondered out loud.

“Sir?”

“Nevermind. Speaking of missions and chunin…”

“Another mission already? Oh, boy…” Kermit groaned. Ondori reached up to cover his mouth.

“Relax, you two.” Satoshi paused, then pressed on. “As you know, the Chunin Exams will begin in two weeks.”

“Did we know that?”

“I didn’t know that.”

“No wait, I think I knew that.”

“And as a consequence,” the Kage raised his voice, “there will be a surplus of visitors to our village. Nobles, merchants, representatives of the Daimyo, enemy spies, and more. The Chunin Exams, more than simply a test for our genin, are an advertisement to our potential clients and a display of our power to… others.”

Ondori waited patiently for the point. Satoshi smiled.

“I would like to have something new for our visitors to engage with between phases of the exam. That’s where you come in.”

Ondori’s eyes widened. He and the frog gave each other a look. “We--I--Yes?”

“Excellent.” The Kazekage leaned back in his chair. “This will be treated as a long-term A-rank mission with appropriate pay, on top of a discretionary budget I’ve prepared for you.”

“You’re giving me--” Ondori stopped to think, winced, then started again. “I don’t know,” he said reluctantly. “Is it really in the best interests of the village to spend all that money on a glorified puppet show?”

Kermit slapped a limp arm against his head. Ondori made a face at himself for doing that.

Satoshi nodded. “Under normal circumstances you’d be correct, but as it happens Jiki had quite the small hoard of trinkets and resources to liquidate. As the one who brought her in, it seems only right you have access to a portion of the wealth you captured.” At Ondori’s surprise, he smirked. “And, of course, you are owed the bounty for bringing her back home.”

“Wow. Uh. I guess I accept, then,” Ondori said dumbly.

Pakura leaned over towards Rasa. “How much is it?” she asked quietly.

Rasa told her.

Pakura’s eyes widened. “That’s…more than I expected.”

Satoshi smiled again. Odd, he was doing that a lot recently. His jaw felt sore. “If things go well--as I expect them to--then perhaps we can see about finding you a more permanent theatre. Until then, I expect you to make the most of this opportunity, Ondori.”

He nodded, speechless.

The Kazekage set the reports aside to be sorted later. “Jiki is being processed through T&I right now. If you’re correct, then hopefully after a suitable penance she can reintegrate into our forces with a minimum of fuss. I expect you’ll be helpful in that. I request--not demand, mind you--that you visit her cell sometime tomorrow.”

“Y-Yessir.”

“You are dismissed.”

Ondori clutched the chit to his chest, unsure of what to do. He picked Kermit up, dusted him off, and turned to leave the Kage’s office.

“And don’t forget to pick up your new vest at the front desk, special jounin” he called idly.

Ondori tripped at the threshold. “What?!”

Something must be wrong with me, Satoshi thought. It’s been a long time since I laughed.

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The Hokage looked over the report in his hand. He looked out from under his hat at the teenagers arrayed before him.

“Rather unfortunate timing, going after this ‘Jiki’ at the same time Sand decided to send someone to retrieve her,” he said.

The three of them stayed quiet, but Shikaku’s mouth twitched downward.

“You have something to say, Shikaku?”

The Nara heir grimaced. “If I’m honest, Hokage-sama, I’m not convinced Ondori had any idea what he was doing.”

That was more common than most people realized, Hiruzen felt, but he didn’t say that out loud. “What makes you say that?”

“He kept treating his puppets like they were real people, and wouldn’t stop making stupid jokes.”

“They weren’t that bad,” Choza protested.

“I can’t say, I wasn’t there for most of this,” Inoichi admitted.

“And then,” Shikaku continued, “He stopped fighting a dangerous opponent to write down notes about his stupid jokes. What sane person does that?”

“And yet it seems to have worked in his favor,” the Hokage pointed out, holding up Choza’s report. “He distracted her long enough for you to destroy her weapon without resistance.”

Shikaku scowled but didn’t argue. He definitely managed to convey that he didn’t think it should have.

Hiruzen set Choza’s aside in favor of Shikaku’s rather more comprehensive one, puffing on his pipe. Despite the shadow manipulator’s opinion of the puppeteer, he had dutifully recorded the content of his performance. Hiruzen snorted at one of the jokes.

Shikaku looked betrayed.

“I’m sure this Ondori character will have an entry in the bingo books soon, if he keeps making splashes like this,” the Hokage said finally. “You may go.” He handed them the receipt for their payment.

As they shut the door behind them, Hiruzen swiveled in his chair to look out the window. He pulled a picture of the ‘Hime’ doll’s head that had been included with the report. The actual head was currently in R&D, being combed over for anything they could use. Hiruzen rather suspected they wouldn’t find anything; odd though he may be, Ondori was a puppeteer himself. He no doubt tore out anything they might have been able to copy.

Hiruzen’s eyes flickered, and he smiled. “Impressive. I was looking the entire time and I still barely caught you.”

Jiraiya faded into existence, the illusion over the window fading to reveal it open. “Not bad, huh? Stopping the creak was the real trick.” He closed the window behind him and took a seat opposite the Hokage desk. “So, they met the puppet show guy, huh?”

Hiruzen didn’t bother asking how he knew already. “Indeed. I can see why you’re interested in him. He sounds interesting.”

Jiraiya grinned. “Looking to go see a show for yourself, old man?”

Hiruzen chuckled. Then it slowly built into a full laugh as he passed Shikaku’s report to his old student. “I wish I could!” he said. “Alas, I am tied to the village.”

Jiraiya snorted as he read. “This is the Nara kid alright. Wow, he really didn’t have fun with this one.”

“It seems so.” The Hokage’s eyes twinkled. “I’m tempted to pass these along to their fathers. Shikakori would get a kick out of this, don’t you think?”

Jiraiya laughed. “So, about my proposal?”

“Ah yes, that.” The Hokage stood and turned to face the village once more. “It would be a risk. The Hidden Villages are tense right now. It feels as though everyone is waiting for the other shoe to drop. Perhaps a diplomatic mission would be worthwhile… or it could be considered a threat.”

“I think it’s worth the risk,” Jiraiya said. “Like you said, the Nations are a powder keg right now. Anything could set it off. I’d rather we have allies when it all comes down rather than have to fight alone.”

“Hm.” Hiruzen blew a smoke ring. “You aren’t wrong.” Facing away from his student, he grinned. “Yes, I think a diplomatic mission could bear fruit, especially given that the last two times our ninja and Suna’s interacted we ended up fighting together. And I know just who to send as our ambassador.”

Jiraiya drew himself up, smirking. “Well, of course. It can only be--”

“Orochimaru.”

“Orochima--who?!” Jiraiya deflated. “Sensei, you can’t be serious! Orochi doesn’t have a diplomatic bone in his body! And no offense to him, but he can be creepy if you don’t know him well.”

Hiruzen glared over his shoulder. “You shouldn’t talk about your teammate that way, Jiraiya.” He hummed. “But it would be difficult to pry him out of his labs for anything short of a war. Perhaps Tsunade, then. She’s been more and more difficult these past few months. Perhaps traveling and seeing new things would cheer her up finally.”

“No! Send--” Jiraiya faltered. “She’s still… mourning?”

The jovial atmosphere fell away and the Hokage sighed. “Yes. Shizune was able to get her to start working again, but she’s not as she used to be. She’s been drinking.”

Jiraiya winced. “Maybe… she could come with me?” he offered. “Heck, maybe all three of us could, just like old times. Make it into a team vacation.”

But Hiruzen was already shaking his head before he finished. “As much as I’d love that, what kind of message would it send? One Sannin is a show of respect. Three of you, or even just two? That would only be received as a threat. No.”

Jiraiya grumbled. “Yeah, you’re right.”

“But you’re still welcome to take your students,” the Hokage said, trying to cheer up again. “In fact. You wanted to visit during the Chunin exams, yes?”

“I was originally thinking of making it a stealth mission,” Jiraiya said. “Good training for them. But if it really is going to be a peace mission…”

Hiruzen sat back down and pulled up a blank sheet of parchment. “You know, the Nidaime once mentioned an idea. Where the different villages would hold Chunin Exams together, as a show of trust in peacetime.” He inked his pen and started writing.

Jiraiya paused as he parsed that statement. “...Wait, but what if… Hmm.”

“I see you’re already following my train of thought.” The Hokage handed his student the finished letter. “Can your Toads deliver this to the Kazekage?”

“They should,” Jiraiya confirmed. He scanned the letter and grinned. “Oh, sensei, you clever old monkey.”

“Indeed. The Ame children are far too strong to be mere genin, aren’t they?”

Jiariya frowned suddenly. “...I don’t know. The Exams are a public event, after all. All their training would be pointless if word gets to Hanzo about what they can do.”

“Jiraiya, is it a stealth mission of not?” the Sandaime asked cheekily. “You and Yahiko’s team may be leaving Konoha, but as far as anyone other than Satoshi-san knows, it won’t be you who arrives in Suna.”

Jiraiya nodded. “Right. Assuming he agrees.”

“Assuming he agrees.”

---------------------------------------------

The Raikage looked over the report in his hand. He looked down at the grey squirrel in miniature Kumo fatigues, sitting on his desk.

“Is this some kind of joke?”

“Mostly puns,” the squirrel said blithely. “Can I go now?”

“Not yet.” A read through the letter again. His spy in Suna had become fascinated with a particular puppeteer who had started doing puppet shows--sorry, Muppet shows, he was adamant there was a difference--and had taken up more than half of his most recent report to explain at length about them.

It was… amusing, but nothing all that important. The attention his spy was giving it would have been grounds for immediate recall and a psychiatric evaluation, except that the Kazekage seemed to be taking an interest as well. And if A knew anything about Satoshi it was that he never did anything without a reason.

“Alright. Tell your master to keep it up. But I expect a more… varied report next month.”

“Hai.”

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The Warhawk wasn’t holding a report, because he did not receive written accounts. He only took verbal reports, which he noted down later in a private, ciphered, thrice-sealed document only he could access.

The shinobi in front of him was fully covered in purposefully-concealing robes, wearing a minimally-painted mask whose eyes conveyed no emotion whatsoever. And yet, under the unimpressed eyes of Shimura Danzo, he nevertheless managed to look nervous.

They’d need to work on that.

“So to summarize,” Danzo said slowly, “The heirs encountered enemy forces, who took the nukenin with them.”

“...Yessir.”

Danzo grunted. “...It is not a complete loss. Your mission was to prevent Porcelain Jiki from selling secrets to Kusa.”

“Which I did, by ensuring her correspondence was never delivered. I sent her fake messages to keep her from growing suspicious.”

“Yes. However, while the puppeteer could have been an asset to Konoha, it is more important at this time that our enemies not gain new weapons that could be used against us. Though I would have preferred that Suna not regain her expertise, it is the best of bad outcomes.”

The shinobi relaxed minutely. Danzo narrowed his eyes. Bull would definitely need remedial training. But that could wait for another day.

“Return to Nohara ni Kuni and infiltrate Kusagakure,” he said instead. “You will take the guise of a civilian from this potter’s village and stir discontent using the presence of a battle between Suna and Konoha in the country with no Grass-nin in sight to rile the populace. Your goal is to undermine Kusa’s support structure through the civilians who feed and supply it. Is that understood?”

Bull nodded. “Is this a solo mission or will I have a team.”

“You may collect up to two teammates from the barracks. My recommendations are Rat and Eagle. You may go.”

Bull left. Danzo leaned back.

War was inevitable. The peace left by the Second War was tense and uneasy, and it couldn’t last forever. Danzo personally predicted that something would happen to set it off before the end of the year. Konoha was in a good position at the moment to fight the coming battles, but Danzo would make it his mission to tilt the scales ever more in their favor. If Kusa could not feed its forces, then they could not field their forces.

He was running similar sabotage missions in Shimo, Taki and Yuga, with attempts being made to add Kiri to the list. Suna needed no attention from him. It was already the weakest of the major villages, and had no resources for Konoha to want to steal. Danzo privately believed that in time it would simply fade away. Sarutobi’s half-baked peace mission could succeed or fail, it would make no difference.

The next operative entered his office, and he straightened again. “Report.”