All the World's a Stage - Chapter 17 (Patreon)

“And a one, and a two, and a one two three--”

“Hi-ho, Kermit the Frog here, and welcome to an impromptu performance here in lovely this-village-doesn’t-have-a-name in Nohara no Kuni!”

Kermit looked towards Ondori, then back towards where the ceramic monstrosity stood, wavering back and forth like a snake preparing to strike.

“Er. Er.” He turned to the frightened citizens, putting himself between them and the danger. “Not to worry, friends, everything is under control.”

Jiki attacked. From underneath the False Hime’s voluminous robes, a wickedly sharp limb like that of a mantis shot out, all joints and edges. For reasons that probably made sense to her, she chose for her fist attack to be against Kermit, and he stepped smartly aside to avoid it.

“You know,” Jiki called, “I had honestly thought Suna had forgotten about me. Me! It was driving me batty that they just let me go like that!”

Bokken Blue shot from somewhere behind Shikaku, followed closely by Red. The two had retrieved their sheaths; a blade was no good against porcelain. The wooden swords weren’t much better, but they at least were less likely to break if they were swung too hard.

Hime’s perfect face cracked open along the jaw, and a stream of flame poured out. Bokken Blue’s unoccupied hand bent back, and from the hole in the wrist it answered with a splash of water, dousing the fire long enough for the two brothers to get in close. Together, they swung their bokken into the Hime’s chest, knocking the massive puppet back.

It regained its balance quickly, and slammed back down to knock them away.

“But now I think I would prefer to be forgotten if it meant I wasn’t shown this kind of disrespect!” Jiki finished.

“What is she talking about?” Fozzie asked, popping up at Kermit’s side.

“I’m not sure,” the frog admitted. “I don’t think I’ve done anything to disrespect her yet.”

“Maybe she’s talking about the kids from Konoha,” Fozzie suggested. “She seems like the type to hate being in someone’s shadow.”

“That could be it, but I don’t--” Kermit stopped and gave Fozzie an unimpressed look. “I bet you’re real proud of yourself, huh?”

“Haaaaaa!”

Jiki made a disgusted sound and started to attack in earnest, and the muppets had to move in order to avoid getting torn to pieces.

“Sweetums!”

“Coming! Take this!”

------------------------------------

“Hey, Choza,” Shikaku said, distantly. “Remember that one old lady we used to house-sit for when we were doing D-ranks?”

“With the porcelain doll collection,” Choza agreed. “I was just thinking of that.”

“Ugh, that place,” Inoichi groaned, getting his breath back--getting back here before Jiki had meant really pushing himself. “I swear I had nightmares about those things.” He grimaced over the battlefield. “They looked a lot like this, actually.”

The False Hime was a nightmarish contraption, a mess of wood, metal and painted terracotta that wasn’t even humanoid in its battle configuration. None of the teenage ninjas could honestly say they’d seen anything like it before. It was a horrible mish-mash of spider and centipede wrapped in fine pink silks and topped by a disturbingly serene woman’s head on a long serpentine neck.

The ‘Sweetums’ puppet was jumping around trying to get a blow in. Its club was the only weapon on the field with an actual chance of breaking the doll, but it was a little slow. The Hime was too large to be fast, but it was agile enough to avoid the kanabo. The twin puppets were running interference attempting to herd the Hime into a position to be hit, but Jiki kept pulling out new tricks. One minute it was a flamethrower, countered by Bokken Blue’s water balloons. Then Bokken Red tried its flash move, but Jiki always put the Hime’s head between her and the light. Hime fired a volley of senbon, which only served to slow the puppets down.

“How do you think it folded up so small?” Choza wondered. “I’m having trouble picturing how it all fits inside that disguised form.”

In addition to the three combat puppets, the bear and frog puppets were running around the field of battle in an apparent panic, talking to each other and making bad jokes. Shikaku stared at Ondori, the puppeteer. The man was utterly focused. When the twin puppets got thrown into the air, he disengaged the threads on one hand, slapped a seal on his belt to release the dog puppet, and then re-engaged to help the swordsmen land on their feet. The dog ran out to join the bear and frog in panicking in the middle of it all, apparently serving no purpose.

Although, Shikaku thought as he decided to pay closer attention, the cloth puppets were making a big spectacle of themselves, drawing attacks from Hime but never quite being where the attack landed.

“This guy is either a complete idiot or a secret genius,” Shikaku murmured.

“What was that Shika?”

“Inoichi, how many dolls does the average Suna puppeteer have?”

The Yamanaka frowned, thinking. “I don’t know… I don’t think I’ve personally ever seen one field more than three puppets at a time.”

“My pops mentioned one in the last great war,” Choza offered. “That one fought with five, and pops made it sound like that was unusual.”

And this one currently has six, even if only three were actually fighting. “...Troublesome,” Shikaku settled on. “What do we want to do now?”

“Our mission was to deal with the ‘mad puppeteer’ attacking people in Field Country.” Inoichi said. “Far as I see it, all we need to do is sit back and watch whats-his-name--”

“Ondori.”

“Yeah him. All we need is to let him--”

Inoichi stumbled, and all three looked down at the dog standing in front of them. “Howdy. Name’s Rowlf. The boss is Ondori.”

Shikaku looked over. The puppeteer wasn’t even looking at them. No, wait, there was a short glance. “Hello?”

“Hi,” Rowlf said, waving.

“How can you hear us from over there? How are we hearing you?” Inoichi asked.

Rowlf looked down at himself. “What do you mean, I’m only five feet from you.”

Every moment spent interacting with this guy made Shikaku feel like he was going insane.

Thankfully Choza was more tolerant of all this. “Course you are, ‘course you are,” he said jovially, bending down to look Rowlf in the ‘eyes.’ “Look, we’ve kind of got our own mission involving that woman. What are the chances we can get a piece of that puppet once it’s all over to take back to Konoha, just to prove we actually saw her?”

Rowlf brushed an ear out of his face. “If you want a prize, you have to play the game first. We’d appreciate a helping hand, you know?”

Shikaku sighed. “What a drag. Fine, fine. Let’s just get this over with so we can go home and never see each other again.”

“That’s the spirit!”

------------------------------------------

Kermit found an unscathed patch of grass to catch his breath on. “Uh, sorry about the extended break folks. The show’s running a little long, but we still have our finale to go, so stay in your seats and--AAGH!”

A bladed limb buried itself in the earth too close for comfort, and Kermit found himself clinging to it when it rose back up.

Jiki pulled the frog close and sneered at him. “Such a waste of talent. You clearly have some skill, and you use it on the most unfabulous puppets I’ve ever seen. Blank-faced dolls, ugly trolls, and this. And somehow you still have fans!”

Kermit gulped. “I-I think we might have g-gotten off on the wrong foot. C-Can we talk this over?”

“Will you take this seriously?!” Jiki snapped, grabbing Kermit around the neck and throwing him towards Ondori, who caught him and set him down carefully. “At least give me the courtesy of a real fight and not this… farce!”

“Mahna mahna.”

Jiki jumped, and whirled to find a hideous little raggedy puppet with wild hair and empty tubes for eyes looking up at her from Hime’s back. Jiki kicked it with an outraged scream, but it avoided her and rammed itself into her. Of course, it wasn’t heavy enough to actually do anything, but it was annoying.

“Get off of me! Get off! Get… OFF!”

“Mahna mahna!”

“Shut up you little rag mop!”

“RAGG MOPP!” something yelled in her ear, and her hand snapped out to grab a--

Jiki blinked, uncomprehending, at the actual mop, as in the kind for cleaning the floor, held in her hand.

Then it opened a hidden mouth and gave her a toothless, dopey smile.

The noise Jiki made was completely enraged as she snapped the mop over her knee. “How dare you!”

“Relax,” the bear said, appearing by her feet. “It’s just part of the show. And you’re the star!”

“I am the star!” Jiki shrieked, kicking him away. “I’m the only one here who matters! I made this! Me! No one else! And I’m not going to be upstaged by an idiot who plays with children’s toys and does dumb comedy routines that aren’t even funny! I am Perfect Porcelain Jiki!”

Ondori stopped short, his puppets faltering in the middle of their assaults. “That voice… Hm.”

And then he dropped all his threads to pull out his notebook and began writing. “Yes, I have an idea, It’s perfect! You’re perfect!”

Jiki blinked. “I… what?”

“Your voice… your attitude… even your fashion sense, since I assume the doll is representative of your actual sense of style,” Ondori went on. “This could go somewhere. Kermit’s too much of a soft touch, Rowlf’s too low-key, and Fozzie’s a wet noodle. The show needs a stronger personality to add some pizzazz to it!”

Jiki flushed. “Well, your show definitely needs some work!”

“I’ll say. But it’s improving all the time. You know, my first two muppets were based on Jiraiya the Toad Sage and the White Fang. I’d like to make one based on you.”

Those were two very big names to compare herself to. Despite herself, Jiki was flattered. Even if it was such a ridiculous way of being honored, being held up next to them would be a major boost to her ego. “You would?”

“Can you sing?”

“I--I’ve never tried,” Jiki said honestly, hopping down from Hime’s back. She felt a weight on her leg and scowled. “Do you mind?”

Ondori flexed his pinky finger and Mahna Mahna let go of her. “I’m thinking… fine silk dress, yes, pearl necklace of course--might have to use fakes, I can’t really justify using real ones, too expensive.”

“I have spares,” Jiki offered quickly. “You’d be amazed how many pearls I sto--found. How many I found.”

Ondori looked up over the top of his notebook and met Jiki’s eyes for the first time that whole encounter. Jiki turned pink.

Ondori squinted. “...Hey wait, did we go to the Academy together? How old are you?”

“I’m not telling you that!”

“Oh, that’s a good one,” Ondori said, writing it down. “Never ask a woman her age. But I feel like I’ve seen you before. I’d heard of you, obviously--”

“You have?” Jiki asked, surprised.

“Of course!” Ondori put away his notebook to give her his full attention, and she blushed deeper. “Ceramics are an interesting material, practically fireproof and lightning-proof, water resistant, heavy enough to put some real force behind each blow, and you can make it absolutely beautiful!” Ondori grinned, rubbing his chin, “I tried to figure it out myself a couple years ago, but I could never get anywhere. For one thing it’s so hard to get good clay in Wind--”

“I know,” Jiki agreed. “That’s half the reason I left! That and the ceramic village refusing to sell to me…”

“I think I heard a new deposit was found on the south coast last year, but by that time I gave up on it and had turned to alternatives.”

“The puppets? Muppets, you said?”

“No, that was only a month or so ago. No, I went and tried--” Ondori stopped himself. “It’s not important. The point is I think your methods were really something, and Suna wants your expertise back. Plus, you could perform on the Muppet Show!”

Jiki considered it, hostility almost forgotten. “I don’t know. You really want me to do a… character?”

“Sure!” Ondori beamed. “I’m thinking of a massive diva with anger issues and not as much talent as she thinks.”

Oh, no, wait, there was the anger again. “...Pardon me?”

Ondori’s smile froze as he realized how what he just said could be construed. “Uh. That is to say…”

Jiki raised a hand and chakra threads shot back out to Hime, which creaked and groaned as it rose back up--

And then a giant Akimichi Cannonball, having been slingshotted by a Nara Shadow Tether, shot through the porcelain puppet at full speed, and the doll might as well have exploded.

Ceramic shards and mud flew everywhere. Ondori got away clean, but only because Jiki was standing in front of him.

“Mud… Ooh, how about a pig?” Ondori suggested, fishing the booklet back out. “Pearls before swine and all that?”

Jiki made a strangled sound, then fainted dead away.

Fozzie stood up and tried to wipe mud out of his fur. “Ugh, I’m going to need a bath.”

“You did anyway, Fozzie,” Kermit said. “I don’t mind baths.”

“Of course you don’t, frog.”

Rowlf checked Jiki’s pulse. “Yup. Out cold.”

Ondori shook himself. “Well, that saves me the effort of subduing her.”

He sealed everyone away, leaving just Kermit. Then he thought better of it and sealed him too; he didn’t want mud on his clothes.

“Well, that was easy,” Choza said cheerfully, walking over with the others following. He hefted the Hime’s oversized head on his shoulder. “”What do you think, can we keep it?”

Ondori gestured, and Choza passed the head over. He inspected it, tore a few pieces of the inner mechanism out, and handed it back. “That should be fine. Thank you for your help.”

“Good job on that distraction,” Inoichi said. “Getting her guard down by pretending to praise her was in interesting choice.”

“Pretending?”

“Oh. Nevermind.”

“Let’s get out of here,” Shikaku growled. “We have what we came for. I want to go home and forget this ever happened.”

“Hey, this was fun,” Ondori said cheerfully. “Maybe someday I can treat you to a proper performance!”

Shikaku glared at him. “I sincerely hope we never cross paths again.”

Ondori shrugged. He turned to start sweeping up the pieces of the big puppet to seal, and came face to face with a crowd of villagers. “Oh. Can I help you?”

“What just happened?” Shen demanded. “Was that the Hime? What did you do?”

“I knew she was too good to be true!” Horu called from the back of the group.

“Shut up! Talk, shinobi!”

Ondori rubbed the back of his neck. “Uh. How are we going to explain this, guys?” Silence. “Guys?”

He turned. The Konoha shinobi were already running through the village gates.

Ondori sighed. “Okay, so let’s start from the beginning…”