All the World's a Stage - Chapter 8 (Patreon)

“It’s been a long time since I went on a caravan mission,” Jiraiya said as he wrapped up the paperwork. “But I’m pretty sure this is a bigger group than normal.”

The speaker for the merchants nodded, smiling. “We had a good time in Suna this time around. It was mostly thanks to Ondori-san, at that.”

“Oh?” Jiraiya handed the clipboard back.

“Oh my yes. Most of his shows were set up near the marketplace, and several of us ended up selling food and drink to his audience, which of course led to some of them going back to our stalls to buy more, which meant good business for all of us.”

Jiraiya made a sound of understanding. “I see.”

“Yes, I’m glad he ended up as part of our escort. Some of us were feeling a little guilty about not giving something back to him for the added business, so it assuaged some consciences to know he’d be getting paid by us after all, in a roundabout way.”

“I don’t suppose you know why his… puppet, thing, was wearing a copy of my hitai-ate?”

“It’s my understanding that Wilkins was partially based on you, shinobi-sama.”

Jiraiya blinked. Then he frowned, thinking. “He must have gotten a real close look to know my symbol that well…” His most recent Bingo Book picture didn’t show the full symbol, cutting off shortly above the eyes. “How long has he been doing this sort of thing?”

The merchant tilted his head. “Hmm… Since shortly before I arrived in Suna, from what I hear. Just over a month.”

Did he meet with a puppeteer that recently? He couldn’t--

Wait a minute. The sacred grove. That guy had a puppet with a kanabo. “That piece of--”

His realization was cut off by a tremor, and he turned back to where he’d left the kids, a ball of dread dropping into his stomach.

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Nagato and Yahiko were already moving before the enemy appeared. They knew what it meant when Konan reacted like that. Yahiko drew his sword and stepped in front of his friends, while Nagato stood on his left, hands ready to fly into signs. Konan recovered herself quickly, pulling a handful of paper shuriken out of her sleeve as she took a position on Yahiko’s right.

Sasori noticed them moving immediately, and he dropped the Gonzo puppet to focus on the two combat dolls he still had out, a hand reaching for his belt to unseal another.

Gurosu noticed too, slightly later than Sasori, and reached for his weapons pouch.

Ondori was distracted with his performance, but he still tensed, noticing the sudden change in atmosphere even if he was slower to react.

One second had passed since Wilkins got trampled.

“The toad is down! Go now!”

The shout rang out and a dozen projectiles flew out from the trees. Yahiko deflected three kunai that would have hit him and his team.

Sasori summoned a new puppet, a circular barrier wall of wood and stone with moving panels that shifted like a puzzle box. It poofed into being around him, and a half-dozen senbon bounced off of it harmlessly.

Gurosu started moving, and was just slightly too slow to avoid a shuriken grazing his side.

Sasori’s puppets, still disguised, had kunai thunk into them harmlessly. One buried itself in a puppet’s forehead. Ondori’s puppets received the same, his still disguised doll getting two shuriken embedded in its shoulders. Sweetums lost a few strands of hair, and even Wilkins, inexplicably, was subject to a kunai in the chest.

Ondori was only just starting to react to the situation. He twisted around with wide eyes, and grunted as a shuriken buried itself in his leg. He sank to one knee--incidentally letting a kunai pass harmlessly through where his head had been, and yanked, dragging Sweetums between him and the attackers.

It was now two seconds since Wilkins got trampled.

Nagato raised a stone wall in front of his team for cover. Then, as an afterthought, he gave one to Ondori too. Yahiko jumped on top of the wall while Konan began rapidly folding paper, and he saw half a dozen ninja in blues, wearing the kanji symbol of Tani on their forehead.

“We’re under attack!” he shouted, needlessly.

Another six shinobi in water-camo emerged from the river on their other side and began sprinting for them, wielding weapons. The eyepatched  enemy at the front of the forest forces reached Ondori’s disguised puppet and attempted to cut its head off, only for the sword to get lodged in the wood. The sunglasses-wearing man leading the river contingent, grinning nastily, shunshinned right up to the kids and tried to do the same to Konan. Neither Yahiko or Nagato moved to help her, because she didn’t need it; she avoided the strike easily and retaliated by slapping a sheet of paper against his face.

Blinded, the attacker jumped back and tore the sheet off of his eyes, crumpling it and tossing it behind him with a growl.

Konan made a seal with one hand, and the crumpled sheet exploded behind him, instantly killing one of the Tani nin who had been in the middle of stepping over it.

Sunglasses-man’s face paled as he realized what had almost just happened to him. His face twisted in a rictus of anger. “You little bitch!”

It was now five seconds after Wilkins got trampled, and Ondori finally got his head into the game. “What the hell is happening?!”

Ondori connected to his disguised puppet, and it groaned before twisting its neck, incidentally dislodging eyepatch-man’s sword. He didn’t get much time to appreciate that, because the puppet immediately tried to set him on fire, burning the clothes off of it in the process.

“Oi!” Gurosu shouted, holding his injured side. “Those were my clothes!”

“I’ll pay you back, Gurosu-san!”

“You have to survive first, Sand-nin!” Eyepatch declared, and then Ondori couldn’t pay attention to the other anymore.

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The explosion had alerted him of trouble, and Jiraiya fully expected to find out that the Sand-nin had pulled something, with that bastard thief among them. It took him no time at all to reach them; they hadn’t gone far after all, just from one end of the caravan to the other.

Once he got there, instead of the three-on-three he expected, there were a dozen Valley-nin attacking the six of them. Why?

He had been worried about the friendly-seeming Suna shinobi catching them by surprise, but truth be told outside of a sudden betrayal he had full faith in his kids. So when he reached the battlefield, he stood back and watched.

He’d step in if they needed help, but until then he’d watch and see if he could discern the motivation for this attack.

A thought occurred, and Jiraiya quickly summoned two small toads. Well, ‘small.’ They were still the size of large dogs. “You two, make sure no one sneaks off to attack the merchants.”

“Yessir!”

----------------------------

Eyepatch brought his sword around. Sweetums’ club met it and knocked him back.

“Puppeteers,” the man said as if it was a curse.

Ondori nodded in agreement, not taking his eyes off of his opponent. Behind him, a second Valley-nin was fighting his other puppet. Fighting two different foes at the same time was difficult, but not impossibly so. It was like when he had Wilkins dancing while Rowlf played the harp at the same time; splitting your attention got easier over time.

It was the first time it had ever occurred to Ondori that his puppet shows might have been any kind of training.

Sweetums knocked Eyepatch back, and Ondori frowned. “Hey, you got a name? I don’t want to keep calling you Eyepatch in my head.”

His opponent glared at him. “Are you mocking me?”

“No? Why--” Wait. Ondori just realized he was still doing the Sweetums voice. Well, in for a penny… His opponent tried to get around the puppet again, and Sweetums caught him in a bear hug.

“C’mon,” Sweetums said, disappointed. “We ain’t gotta fight! Why don’t we talk this over. I’m Sweetums, and this is the boss. Who’re you?”

Ondori watched with a kind of manic glee as his opponent’s face went through multiple variations of disbelief before settling on incredulity. “Oh kami, you’re one of the insane ones. Senko!”

“Aye!” the other leader called, and Ondori looked over to see the sunglasses man struggling against Yahiko. (A little ways over there he also saw Gurosu do something that looked like a water technique except it was noxious yellow and completely dissolved a kunoichi’s arm when it hit her. What the hell?)

“Switch!”

“Aye!” He pushed the kid off of him and made a tiger seal, and then he and his fellow were in each other’s places.

Senko immediately took in his situation (in Sweetums’ arms) and swore. “Busshitsu you bastard!”

“Sorry, can’t hear you, busy sword fighting!”

“His name is Busshitsu?” Ondori asked in his normal voice.

“Poor guy,” Sweetums moaned.

Senko tilted his head. “If you’re going to do that you need to keep your lips from moving.”

“I know, but it’s harder than you’d think--”

Senko clenched his eyes shut and snapped his fingers. A bright flash blinded Ondori and he hissed.

He reflexively grabbed at his eyes. Unfortunately he did so with the hand he was controlling Sweetums with. He realized his mistake immediately but it was enough of a slip for Senko to break free.

Ondori grumbled as he blinked rapidly. Between the spots he saw movement, and he swayed. Metal sang way too close to his ear.

With a muffled apology, he clenched his other hand. He couldn’t see what that puppet was doing anymore, but hopefully he could get a distraction out of it.

The chakra threads connecting him to his ranged puppet turned properly visible as energy surged down them, and then the puppet exploded. Flamethrower fuel detonated all at once, and unspent kunai and shuriken turned into deadly shrapnel that utterly decimated its opponent, while also making Senko turn to see what the hell was happening.

Sweetums leaned back on his heels, legs and back perfectly straight and club held overhead. “Rebā o hiku,” Ondori said, more calmly than he felt, and then pulled.

As Senko turned back to his opponent, Sweetums swung on his heels like the hammer of the gods. Senko’s eyes widened, but luckily for him Ondori didn’t have all of his vision back yet. The attack missed, and made a small crater where the club hit the ground.

Senko whistled. “Freaking puppets, man.”

He snapped his fingers again. Ondori closed his eyes, but wasn’t quite fast enough; it didn’t blind him but it stung, even through his eyelids.

“Damnit! Dragon Breath!”

Sweetums’ mouth opened. Senko’s eyes widened and he flashed through hand signs for a water technique.

What came out of the puppet’s mouth was not fire. It was, instead, an egg. Senko reflexively launched his wall of water meant to douse flames, and the egg sailed right through and cracked against his chest.

Ondori fled after that, but he wasn’t able to escape the stink. “Talk about a rotten egg,” he said, to no one.

While Senko wailed at the assault on his senses, Ondori took in the rest of the battlefield. Nagato and Konan were forming a solid defense that none of the attackers could break, but from what he could see were being held down too much to retaliate; they had six of the remaining shinobi attacking them, so it was impressive for a pair of kids.

Yahiko was still dueling Basshitsu. Both were starting to sweat but neither were slowing down yet.

Sasori was fighting the other two remaining ninja. He was safe inside his battlement puppet, panels sliding this way and that, forming temporary windows for him to direct his puppets through but never staying open long enough to let an attack in.

Gurosu was injured. The woman whose arm he destroyed had managed to drive a kunai into his side before dying. He had staunch the bleeding but he was out of the fight.

(Ondori looked down at the shuriken in his thigh. It wasn’t impeding him much but it was going to hurt like a bitch when the adrenaline wore off.)

Gurosu had surrounded himself with pools of his poison, so he was probably fine. Sasori’s defense wasn’t letting him get a good hit in but he was safe. The two kids were throwing around techniques Ondori didn’t want to go near.

That left Yahiko. Ondori really wanted to change the tides in this fight, and that was the best bet. He and Sweetums ran over.

He also collected Wilkins there on the ground, pulling him up as he passed.

Sweetums brought his club around to slam into Busshitsu’s side. The man avoided it, but got a cut on the cheek from Yahiko for the distraction.

“Ganging up on me, huh? You guys really are getting friendly,” he snarled.

“They’re good kids,” Sweetums growled.

“Shut up, freak!” Busshitsu met Yahiko’s blade and pulled a kunai out for his off hand. “Leaf, Sand, and Rain? Did you think we wouldn’t figure it out?”

Ondori and Yahiko looked at him in confusion.

“You and that stupid toad gave it away! You shouldn’t have been carrying one of the Toad Sage’s summons if you didn’t want anyone to know!”

Ondori slowly held up Wilkins. “...You thought my puppet was a toad summon?”

Wilkins lifted his head and coughed weakly, owing to the knife in his stomach. “I’m way too handsome to be a toad…”

“Shut up shut up!”

Ondori brought the kanabo around while Yahiko came in from the other side. Busshitsu caught both weapons with his own and started to direct them out of their owners’ hands. Ondori’s eyes widened when he realized that the club was going to hit the kid--

And the Jiraiya was there, catching the kanabo. “Alright, that’s enough.”

The Toad Sage’s presence brought the battle to a halt. A few of the Tani nin even ran away at the sight of him, to Basshitsu’s clear displeasure.

Jiraiya gave Ondori a sideways look that made him nervous, then turned to the enemy shinobi with a magnanimous smile. “I think there’s been a huge misunderstanding here. Why don't we calm down before we all do something you’ll regret?”

“Screw you, your brats killed Ana!”

“You attacked us first,” Gurosu bit out. “You paid the price.”

“Thank you, I’ll handle this,” Jiraiya said sternly. He didn’t want to completely embarrass them, with how tense things were politically; the last thing anyone wanted was another war already.

“Oh yeah?” Senken flashed to Busshitsu’s side, scowling. Everyone’s nose wrinkled at the smell clinging to him.

Ondori’s eyes widened, and he covered his eyes.

Senko pushed his shades up his nose to fully cover his eyes. He raised his hand, middle finger and thumb coated in a visible aura of chakra. “Handle this.”

Even with his eyes closed and through the fabric of his sleeve--and his arm--the light burned. Every ninja on the field, including the other Tani ninja, shouted in alarm and pain.

When Ondori lowered his arm, he saw Basshitsu moving his patch to cover the other eye, mouth set in a grimace. “I hate when you do that.”

Everyone on the battlefield had a noticeable sunburn, except for Gurosu who was already dark-skinned.

“But it always works,” Senko said. He sounded like he was trying to be cheeky but was too pissed off to manage. “Hey, puppet master. Looks like it’s just you and the two of us.. What’s in the carts?”

Ondori stepped back. He moved Sweetums closer, but without his weapon the big lug was just a big log. “Uh?”

“What are you taking to Konoha?!”

“Uh, glass. Mushrooms. Rugs. Crates of high-quality sand meant for rock gardens, food and supplies for the journey--have you tried sand dumplings before? There’s a crate of soy flour in there--”

Busshitsu’s eye twitched. “What else?”

“It’s just a normal merchant escort job, what do you want?!”

“You’re lying!”

The two shinobi charged at him, weapons raised.

Ondori panicked. He threw Wilkins at them.

The puppet made primarily of cloth and feathers flapped against Senko’s face ineffectually. It was so hilariously useless that the pair stopped and looked at the frog as he fell to the ground.

“...”

“..Bass, I think it’s not actually a toad.”

“...” Basshitsu seethed. He looked up at Ondori hatefully.

Ondori panicked again.

“I already told you,” Wilkins said, standing up and dusting himself off. “I’m too handsome to be a toad. I’m a frog.”

Basshitsu looked at Senko. “Is this happening? Have I gone insane?”

“Yes, but not because of this,” Wilkins said matter-of-factly. “Say, do you like coffee? I have an argument with my friend over which is better, tea or--”

Senko slashed. Wilkins hopped up and landed on the blade as it swung. Ondori took a few steps back.

“Come on, I’m only trying to make conversation,” Wilkins said, annoyed.

“Shut up! I’m not going to talk to a puppet!” Basshitsu shouted, trying to grab the frog by the throat.

Wilkins dodged, and somehow--neither Bass nor Senko saw how--he ended up grabbing a seal slip instead. Wilkins mimicked the activation seal with his flippers, and their eyes widened.

It didn’t explode properly. It was just smoke and noise. Ondori was well away now, keeping an eye on the fight while trying to pry the club out of Jiraiya’s hands. He couldn’t even get to it. The man had responded to being blinded by doing some technique that turned his mane of hair into an impassable spiky shield.

The Tani nin waved the smoke away. Wilkins was perched on Senko’s shoulder and slapped another tag down. “Say cheese!”

The fake explosive went off, and now they were getting angry.

“C’mon, big guy,” Ondori pleaded. “Either give me my weapon or un-blind yourself! Preferably the second actually, you can handle this--”

“Get off of me, thief!” Jiraiya swung Ondori’s own kanabo at him. It didn’t hit, but it made it clear that that avenue was closed.

What was he going to do? Sweetums couldn’t fight both of them, Wilkins couldn’t fight them at all, and what was Ondori going to do in a straight fight?

“Well…”

Senko charged out of the smoke and tried to cut Wilkins in half. Ondori used his free hand to attach a chakra thread to his foot, making him trip. Wilkins slapped another seal on him, and it went off just as Bass fought his way out of the last smokescreen.

“Damnit!”

“You bastard!”

(Nagato recovered first. Those fancy eyes of his came with a few perks, after all. He saw the battle going on between the two Tani leaders and… the frog puppet? Nagato wasn’t sure what was going on.)

He was going to run out of fake explosives soon. Wilkins had a few inside him, but not many.

“Ragdoll Embrace!” Ondori shouted.

The enemy ninja tensed, eyes on Wilkins like they were expecting a trick. The trick turned out to be Sweetums throwing his own limp body at them from a different direction. He wrapped his wooden limbs around Senko again, who tried to do his flash. Sweetums grabbed his hand and stopped it.

Basshitsu snarled and bashed the hilt of his sword on an exposed joint. It took three hits, but finally the doll’s elbow broke off. In that time, Wilkins--incredibly light and easily missed by angry, distracted shinobi--had planted his remaining seals on them. Smoke enshrouded them again, followed by angry shouting.

(Sasori had gotten only a fraction of the flash, hidden as he was by his battlement. It hadn’t been pleasant by any means, but he was already starting to blink the stars out of his eyes when Ondori-san suddenly stuck his face through one of the open panels.

“Sasori! I need explosive tags!”

“Ondori-san? What’s--”

“No time, now! Please.”

Caught wrong-footed, Sasori fished three tags out of his pockets and handed them over. He had a front-row seat to Ondori stuffing two of them inside the gash in Wilkins.)

“You never answered my question you know,” Wilkins said as the two ninja recovered, radiating killing intent. “What’s your opinion on coffee?”

(Sasori blinked. Something was wrong, but it wasn’t immediately obvious what. Once he realized, his eyes widened and he gave the elder puppeteer a bewildered look. But for a moment, even though Ondori was standing right next to him, Wilkins’ voice actually sounded like it was coming from the puppet itself.)

“Screw you and your coffee!”

“I don’t want any of that garbage!”

Wilkins tsked and shook his head sadly. “Well that’s just a shame…”

He held out another tag.

The pair of them sneered. “We’re not scared of your stupid fake explos--”

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The ground shook, and Jiraiya swore. He dropped the kanabo and rubbed at his eyes. This was getting out of hand, he needed to stop holding back. It’s what he gets for underestimating these guys. What was that explosion?!

Blinking away spots, Jiraiya got his bearings.

There was a crater and lots of smoke. Ondori, the thief, was crouched in front of the crater looking lost.

The Valley-nin were scattered around wherever they’d been standing, only just starting to get their own vision back. They were looking disturbed, and obviously noticing the lack of their leaders.

This is going to be a hell of a report. So much paperwork…

The puppeteer picked up a white rock with a black line marked on it.

“What happened?” he demanded.

Ondori looked up at him. “...I killed my frog.”

…

…

…

He waved a hand dismissively. “And those two guys, but I c-can’t really be bothered about that right now.”

Jiraiya groaned. This was supposed to be a C-rank!