All the World's a Stage - Chapter 7 (Patreon)

“I knew it!”

“What?”

“I knew it! Buss, they’re meeting with the Toad Sage right now!”

“What?! Are you sure, Senko?”

“It couldn’t be anyone else. And the head ‘merchant’ is meeting with him now.”

Senko and the eye-patched ninja sped towards the border where Senko had just come from and watched from a safe distance.

Buss swore. “That’s him alright. I’ve heard about a team he leads with a kid with purple eyes in it.”

“That kid the toad is with right now?”

“Yeah.” Buss squinted. He flipped his patch up and looked again. “...Is that a toad? A frog? It looks weird.”

“All summons animals look weird, and a frog is just a smooth toad anyway.”

Buss shrugged, accepting that. “If the Toad Sage is here collecting the caravan, they must be transporting something huge. What could be coming from Suna to Konoha that they’d need to disguise it so much?”

“Peace talks, like we said?”

“Too much actual stuff for that. I see luxury goods in there, not just food and junk.”

“A gift, for good relations.”

Buss snapped his fingers. “That’s a good point.”

They stewed in silence, watching.

“...It’s gotta be something good. What do you think?”

“Precious metals? Wind has plenty of mines. Or glass, from all the sand.”

“Could be. Or, possibly, something better. A peace offering between ninja? What I’d do is send knowledge. ‘Here are some of the techniques we use, so you know how to fight us, to prove we won’t betray you.’”

“You’d be a terrible diplomat,” Senko said, but it was an attractive thought. “It’d probably be poisons and how to cure them.”

We’re right next to Wind. We could make use of those poison cures, they didn’t say. They also didn’t add, It’d make fighting Suna a lot more manageable.

“...Are we really going to fight the Toad Sage?”

“No, of course not,” Buss said. “But we don’t have to. I bet those kids of his would be easier targets… and a bleeding-heart Leaf-nin wouldn’t let his students get hurt.”

“I’ll gather the forces.”

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Nagato turned the puppet over in his hands, curious. “I’d heard of Suna’s puppet brigade before, but I’ve never seen one.”

“It’s a fascinating art,” Sasori said. He pulled Wilkins out of the other boy’s hands and adjusted the frog’s scarf. “The possibilities are endless, really.”

“Is your sensei alright?” Konan asked.

Sasori blinked at her, puzzled. Konan pointed to where Ondori was bracing himself against a tree, struggling to keep from throwing up his stress. Gurosu was surprisingly kind enough to help support him, in between berating him for being an idiot.

“Oh, Ondori-san is not my teacher,” Sasori said, amused. “He’s just a friend. As for how he is doing, hm. We weren’t expecting one of the Sannin to greet us.”

“Right.” Yahiko chuckled awkwardly. “It’s kind of easy to forget how strong he is when he’s…”

“He’s sensei,” Nagato finished. His friends agreed.

Ondori and Gurosu walked over, the former looking a little green himself. “Ugh. That was the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.”

“I’m sure that can’t be true,” Gurosu said.  “I’d say the worst thing that ever happened to you is deciding to turn your puppets into a sideshow.”

“Ugh, leave that nonsense to Yaji and Chosho,” Ondori griped.

“Who are they?” Konan asked, curious.

Sasori was the one who answered, handing Wilkins back to his owner. “A pair of old men who show up to make fun of Ondori whenever he does his performance.”

“I don’t know why they keep showing up, when they hate it so much,” Ondori said.

“I guess we’ll never know.”

Gurosu turned to the Ame kids. “Trust me, it’s like some kind of weird torture.”

Ondori hummed. He tilted his head. “Hm.”

“What?”

“Oh, nothing, just a thought for later.” Ondori turned and started stripping the extra clothes off his puppets. “Let’s go ahead and take care of this. We won’t need them on the way home, probably.”

Nagato’s brows climbed as the puppet’s true form was revealed. It was made of plain, unpainted wood, with a raggy mop of coarse gray hair framing its head. Red glassy eyes looked out over a large, bulbous nose like someone stuck an eggplant on its face. A pair of mismatched fangs stuck up from its bottom jaw. “That’s… strange-looking.” Under the borrowed clothes it wore tattered rags.

Ondori shrugged.

“So what are these shows you keep mentioning?” Yahiko asked.

“A waste of time.”

“Pay Gurosu no mind,” Sasori said. “He is very boring.” To Ondori, he said, “Perhaps you could give them a sample of your work?”

Ondori shook his head. “I left Rowlf at home, and Wilkins isn’t as funny without someone to play off of.”

“Well…”

Sasori suddenly looked bashful, which was a new expression for him.

Ondori picked up on it immediately. “Sasori, you didn’t,” he asked, grinning.

“Yeah, I made a mock-puppet of my own.” Sasori unsealed a new puppet.

Everyone took a look at the subject. It was a small, scraggly blue thing with a huge hooked nose and the most pitiful, pathetic looking eyes anyone there had ever seen.

Ondori looked at Sasori. The kid gave him an embarrassed smile. “It’s… my first try. And I haven’t had much time to work on him, with how busy I am for the Brigade. And I mostly work with wood, I’ve never tried faux-fur or felt before, and--”

“Sasori, Sasori,” Ondori said. “He’s fine. Great, even, and I’m sure he’ll only get better. What do you call him?”

The young puppeteer shuffled. “I’ve been calling him Snarl, but I’m not sure about the name…”

“Hm.”

Ondori bade Wilkins walk over, look Snarl up and down. “Well hey there, kid.”

Snarl looked up at Sasori’s command, and stood. “H-hi.”

The voice Sasori gave him was high and scratchy, and sounded painful. Sasori’s face turned almost as red as his hair, not helped by the Ame kids giggling.

Wilkins put his hands on his hips. “Well, don’t just stand there, tell me about yourself. What do you do, how’s your family?”

Sasori blanked, the concentrated. He clearly hadn’t thought that far ahead. “O-Oh,” Snarl said. “I don’t know m-much about my family. After all, m-my mother died before I was born.”

Wilkins’ mouth dropped. “She--She died before you were born?”

“Yeah, she left a note for my f-father telling me what my name should be. Unfortunately he lost it.”

Wilkins turned to look at the kids, giving them a look that said ‘Can you believe this?’

“So, how did you get the name Snarl then?”

“My grandmother said it was the face dad made when he threw me through her window.”

Konan snorted. “That’s awful!”

“I know,” Wilkins agreed. “Glassiers are expensive.”

Gurosu threw his hands up and walked away. “Can’t believe you got Lady Chiyo’s grandson involved in this grumble grumble…”

“What’s his deal?” Snarl asked, watching him go.

“No clue. But hey, since you’re here,” Wilkins said, accepting a sheet of paper from Ondori. “These kids wanted a show, so how do you feel about giving them one?”

Nagato frowned and looked at Yahiko. “Wait, did we want one? I thought Sasori was the one to bring it up,” he whispered.

“Shush, I’m about to watch a foreign ninja sing,” was Yahiko’s response. “That was sheet music he just got out.”

Snarl took the paper and looked it over. Sasori puzzled over what to actually do with it, settling on having Snarl toss it over his shoulder dismissively (and into Sasori’s hands).

“Lyrics? Don’t be silly, frog, I’m an artist! I don’t need lyrics to know the words!”

“If you say so,” Wilkins said. “Now, follow my lead--”

“Wait, I’m singing with you?”

“Of course, do you see anyone else here?”

“Well, what about that guy?” Snarl pointed over Wilkins’ shoulder at Dekukage. “He looks like fun.”

(Ondori gave Sasori an incredulous look.)

“What, him?”

“Yeah, what’s his name?”

(Now he glared. Ondori wasn’t about to call him Dekukage in front of these kids, not when there was a risk the Toad Sage could hear it; that wasn’t a name you gave to a combat puppet unless you were very very confident.)

Wilkins mulled over the question. “...He’s… Sweetums.”

“Sweetums?” Yahiko laughed.

‘Sweetums’ turned to look at them. His mouth hung slightly open, giving him a slack-jawed look.

“Sweetums is very shy,” Wilkins said hesitantly. “And he’s not a good singer anyway, so--”

“And you are, with that voice?”

“And you are with that voice?”

“Hey, you were the one who asked me to sing!”

Wilkins paused and turned to the audience. “Fair point, and well made.” To Snarl, he said, “However:” Wilkins grabbed Snarl’s nose and gave it a twist. “Don’t talk back to me. Sweetums!”

The ‘real’ puppet tapped its fingers together. Ondori gave him a deep, gruff voice. “Oh, I dunno, boss…”

“Well I do know,” Wilkins said testily. “Now get out there and embarrass us, alright?”

“D’okay…”

------------------------

“Two lost souls on the highway of life

We ain’t even got

A sister or a brother!”

“Ain’t it just great?

Ain’t it just grand?

We’ve got each other!”

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The Ame kids clapped once they were finished. Sasori clearly wasn’t comfortable singing, but as it went on he gained more confidence even as Ondori fell into his stride with Sweetums and his ability to be much more expressive with his body language. By the end of it, they almost sounded good. During the song Gurosu wandered back over to pretend he wasn’t listening.

“Wow, that was pretty good,” he said begrudgingly.

“Wow, really?!” Sweetums asked excitedly. Ondori knew what was coming.

“No, of course not really,” Gurosu snapped.

“Oh…”

“Thanks for that,” Ondori said dryly.

Guroso rolled his eyes. “Well, someone had to do it. It doesn’t feel right without the old farts chiming in.”

Ondori grinned and winked at the kids. “Hey, which should I make fun of here; him implying he watches the show, or him implying he’s an old fart?”

“You know,” Sweetums said before Gurosu could continue, “that was a pretty great little number, little guy.”

“You think so?” Snarl asked, after a moment for Sasori to realize who he was talking to.

“Heck yeah! But I don’t really think you look like a ‘Snarl.’ You certainly don’t sound like one!”

“I beg to differ,” Wilkins said as an aside.

“Leave the begging to Rowlf,” Sweetums said. He turned to the audience. “Rowlf’s a dog, see.”

“Can it!”

“I can’t can it, can you?”

“Of course I can, but I want you to can it, can’t you see?”

‘Snarl’ held up a can of beans. “Can it?”

“Can it!” Wilkins said angrily.

“Okay!”

Sasori’s puppet threw the can and hit Wilkins right in the face. The frog groaned and fell over.

Sweetums and the little blue thing looked at the frog, then each other, then moved on.

“But if I’m not Snarl, who am I?”

Sweetums rubbed his chin, working his jaw. Behind him, Ondori made much the same face, which the kids definitely noticed.

“I think you look like… Gonzo.”

Sasori tilted his head, considering the name. “Gonzo, eh? Hm…”

The former Snarl was able to be much more vocal about his feelings. “Gonzo? Gonzo? Gonzo! I love it!”

“Gonzo the Great!” Sweetums declared, stomping around happily.

Wilkins groaned and sat up, rubbing his head. “Urgh, what happened--AGH!” he yelled out as Sweetums trampled him. “You’ll regret this!”

And then, several things happened at once.

It started, however, with Konan suddenly going rigid before a voice from the trees shouted, “The toad is down! Go now!”

And then things took a turn for the confusing.