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Book 2 is now available! (Patreon)

Published:
2017-12-24 14:08:34
Imported:
2021-01

Content

Hey everyone,

Amazon has approved eBook2 and it is now available on the site!

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B078LMJLY5/ref=sr_1_3?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1514123670&sr=1-3&keywords=john+blake

Like the first book, this is a directors cut of chapters 11 - 20. I've gone through and improved all the grammar and punctuation, rewritten a big chunk of dialogue and added more details. As well as expanding lots of scenes I've also added in some new ones!

This first edition will have the Alyssa cover art, then after the ebook has been out for about a month, I'll switch covers between books 1 and 2. I think the Alyssa cover is a better for the first book in the series and its from a scene in chapter 5.

Once I've switched covers, I'll create a paperback version, but I want to try and catch any typos before I make that. If you spot any, I'd appreciate it if you could let me know!

I've been so busy writing new chapters, that I hadn't gone back to reread the story from the beginning. It was a lot of fun to finally get a chance to do that, especially knowing how the characters and story develop over the subsequent two years. 

I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed working on it.

Cheers

Tefler


Comments

CJ Mora

Are you going to switch covers in Vol 1 of the paperback to have the Alyssa pic?

Anonymous

Bought it and LOVE that cover art

Anonymous

Got it. Merry Christmas from Australia Tef!

Forbsey

About to get the ebook now. Happy Chrismas Tefler.

Anonymous

I like the covers as they are now

Tefler
>>9070301

Yes, I'll switch that around at the same time too. (End of January).

Tefler
>>9070549

I love the Invictus pic, but I think the Alyssa one is probably a better lure for new readers to the series. The story is as much about the girls as it is the spaceships and fighting, so I think it's more representative of the series as a whole. :-)

Anonymous

Is the title correct in Amazon? "THE JOHN BLAKE CHRONICLES Volume 2: Reaping the Whirlwind (The Unclaimed Legacy Series Book 1". Shouldn't it be Book 2 and you remove Volume 2? I find it a little confusing especially since the first book wasn't linked below as recommended.

Tefler
>>9070909

Yeah, the KDP boxes for all their series and book titles are a bit confusing. I've made a correction to clear that up.

Anonymous

In time for Christmas. ;-) Barely!

palisade

Hey Tefler, you should consider breaking the story up into sections for storiesonline. If part of the story was listed as a completed book then you could be nominated for the Clitoride Awards. As it stands they don't allow nominations of uncompleted stories. This is easily in my top ten stories ever and certainly number one in its niche. It would be great to see you win (and with your fan base I think you could). Oyster50 just finished part 3 of his Community series for just that reason and will be starting part 4 in a few weeks. Give it some thought. I'd love to vote for you.

Anonymous

Thanks Tefler, I just purchased my copy of eBook 2 and will dig into it in today. The very best Merry Christmas to you, your family and the rest of the world. I know the New Year will be better and brighter for you.

Anonymous

Hey Tefler, the following at Location 101 of 8104, doesn't make sense to me (John opened his mouth to reply, but he was quickly cut him off by the blonde at his side. Tefler, M. THE JOHN BLAKE CHRONICLES Volume 2: Reaping the Whirlwind (The Unclaimed Legacy Series Book 1) (Kindle Locations 110-112). Kindle Edition. Should he be she maybe?

Tefler
>>9073125

NIce, thanks! It should have been: John opened his mouth to reply, but he was quickly cut off by the blonde at his side.

Koa

Reading through it now, thanks for the Christmas gift! - found there is two references to sparks forgetting that John is in the bath within 2 pages of each other, seems overtly redundant - I don’t have page numbers on my kindle reader so I can’t give exact reference, sorry

Tefler
>>9074206

Oh right, when she walks past, then after she falls asleep in the tub? I think that's from the original chapter, but I'll tweak it a bit. :-)

Wookey

Happy Christmas everyone

PLRus--Founding member of the TSM F5 club.

A few typos so far: I will continue to look. John opened his mouth to reply, but he was quickly (cut him off should be cut off) “Thank you,” Spark said (Sparks said) off too then the lovely blonde (off, too. The lovely blonde then) her light blue eyes reminded him a glorious summer sky (of a glorious)

Tefler
>>9076023

Fixed all those, thank you! The bathroom scene paragraph was a bit untidy, so I cleaned that up.

Evan

Just bought my copy, will read it later today.

Anonymous

Bought both books today. Also having a fun time revisiting the beginning. I don't know if it's already been addressed, but reading through e-book 1 found a typo. "...deliberately mispronouncing his rank."I think it's...." missing a space between the period and quotation mark

Tefler
>>9076713

Thanks for buying the eBooks! I fixed that, thank you. I'll push the updated version out when I switch covers.

Anonymous

Thx tefler :) Xmas gift to myself :)

Anonymous

Any set date for the paperback edition? Merry Christmas

DemonHunterCole

You should put a plug about the books being on Amazon on the next chapter you post on Literotica.

Anonymous

Thanks for the gift! Merry Christmas to you and yours. 🌲

JCFenton

Thanks for the Christmas gift. I did notice that a couple of times during the boarding of the Calypso Alyssa appears to reply to John via telepathy which she doesn't learn how to do until they visit ashanath

Anonymous

I think I might hold out for the paperback before I pick up the reworked version. I love collecting physical books, and eagerly anticipate adding yours once it comes out. Thanks for the great work and Merry Christmas Tef!

Anonymous

Got both too !! Thank you !! Will tie me up until the next updates !!

Scott Way

I just got the paperback for book 1 so happy

rich ed

merry xmas telf, thank you for another amazing year of john and the girls's adventures. just bought ebook 1 and 2 for myself for xmas. have a fantastic festive season

Anonymous

Any chance you might put these out in ebook form. Have the Kindle app but rarely use it.

Jedi Khan
>>9083057

It is available on Kindle, unless you're referring to an ebook format other than Kindle.

Jedi Khan

Tefler, just reading through chapter 11 of the ebook now and I've noticed a number of spots that need punctuation corrected, specifically at the end of dialogue segments where the person is asking a question but with no question mark. There's also a few spots where an apostrophe is missing, such as "redheads tiny stomach," which should be "redhead's tiny stomach," as well as the occasional missing word, like "reminded him a glorious" (missing 'of' before 'a'). Small stuff, really. Easily missed unless you were going through with a fine-tooth comb.

rich ed

just up to page 156 in the ebook when alyssa and john take the invicitus out of the shipyard for the first time, alyssa does not ask for clearance to leave.

Anonymous

Purchased and installed. Got to support the author.

Anonymous

Just got a kindle. You get one guess what were the first two books I bought were.

Anonymous

Not sure where it happen to be in the ebook 2. Kindle says loc 2919. You have this in the book. Dana looked unhappy too as she blurted out, "There's still more I want to learn about the Invictus!" Ok. The probem is that you used her name even before she was upset with the name and even telling what the name she wants to go by in the later chapters.

Kim Biel-Nielsen

A good long read - on a quiet day relaxation after the rush of Christmas Eve - a wonderfull present 🎁

Anonymous

Nice Cover Tefler! found a typo in chapter 18: Tthey went their separate ways again after lunch, continuing from where they left off that (Tthey)

Anonymous

Like Eric, I think I might hold out for the paperback. There's just something about having a physical book to hold in our hands and place on a shelf after you're done reading it... but if I'm being honest, I'll probably end up doing both and getting the kindle version too. LOL Anyway, Merry Christmas to you and yours, Tefler, and here's hoping that you all have a wonderful and prosperous New Year.

Anonymous

Awwww Yeah! Now THAT is how to deal with some Astral beasties! :-)

Tefler
>>9084176

Hey. Thanks for the one about "redheads" I searched for that and found all three errors. :-) The reminded him of I've fixed too, and I'll have to issue another updated version to correct them!

Tefler
>>9093363

Ah, thanks for letting me know! I think of her as "Dana" now rather than Sparks, so it's easy to let those slip in. :-)

Tefler
>>9098707

Sure, I'll fix anything you send. Thanks in advance! :-)

Tefler
>>9099887

Thanks for letting me know, I've fixed that one now. :-)

Tefler
>>9100115

What I might do is release a first edition of the paperback with the Alyssa cover for book 2, so that everyone who has already bought book 1 can have a different cover. I'll warn you guys when I release it, then switch covers as I was originally planning after a couple of weeks.

Tefler

Thanks to everyone that bought a copy of the eBooks! I hope you enjoyed them. Also, thanks for letting me know about the typos, I've fixed the ones mentioned so far and I'll roll out a new version via KDP to fix them. :-)

PLRus--Founding member of the TSM F5 club.

I would not mention some of these but all the commas tends to break up the sentence and cause the flow to be a little blocky IMHO. So Here goes.... but you've either got very good or very reckless!" (gotten) being so tautly stretched (is this Brittish? In the US we would say tightly. Something is taut or is tightly stretched.) mouth and they saw that the pale (they saw the pale) tummy, and her (comma not needed) Alyssa gave her an affectionate kiss, before (comma not needed) got up to get dressed, so they could get (comma not needed) little while, enjoying each (comma not needed) better wording “little while as they enjoyed each” do that morning, so they split up, Alyssa (first comma not needed but second should be a semi-colon) nothing to do, so he decided to go back to his room and catch up on Galactic news, while waiting for Sparks to wake up. (neither comma is needed) sorts of atrocities, which John recognised (comma not needed) shopping list to start with. (improper grammar....should be “with which to start” It is called a split infinitive) they would head to first. (where they would head first, to is an unnecessary word) his side, so he turned off the Holonet. (comma not needed) her side, and let his (comma not needed) intensity of his stroking his fingers. (second his should be eliminated) girls there too, or just me?" he asked quietly, as he moved (comma not needed) smiled back at her warmly, (comma not needed and warmly is modifying his smile so it should be warmly smiled back) Sparks smiled, nodding agreeably and they (Sparks nodded agreeably and smiled and they--or nodded agreeably, smiled, and they—or Sparks smiled and nodded agreeably as they—or smiled, nodding agreeably, and they: either two commas or none with a rewording?) down to Deck Seven, the floor just above the Cargo Bay and Hangar. (after Seven the rest of the sentence is a dependent clause which would require a semi-colon, since it is a different thought, to make a compound sentence) "Brrt!" came the muted chatter of her assault rifle, dulled by their headphones. (another compound sentence....semi-colon) checked safety and returned (after safety then a comma as it is part of a list) taking any chances, John quickly ushered out the two girls, then led (second comma not needed) asteroid, and had never seen (comma not needed) inexperienced eyes, and the thought (comma not needed) slide lower, and gently (comma not needed) her eyes, and he felt himself get very hard, very quickly. (commas not needed) to go through, surreptitiously adjusting his pants, then followed them to the elevator. (for first comma delete it and put 'while') They went up to the second deck, the sexual tension thick in the air. (replace comma with semi-colon) to John and Alyssa's room, no-one saying anything, but everyone thinking the same thing. (comma splice to a run on sentence. Probably best to put a period and then, “No-one was saying anything but everyone was thinking the same thing.”) Sparks to the bed, and then helped her undress, leaving the pale redhead to climb on to the (first comma is not needed and second should be replaced with 'while') undressing him, and he moved (comma not needed) and began kissing, as Alyssa removed (comma not needed) from their kissing, before leaning (comma not needed) with surprise for a moment, before they became hooded with lust, and she (commas not needed) first time, and found (comma not needed) on Alyssa's tongue, had his (comma not needed) join them, he couldn't wait to replace the blonde's tongue with his hefty cock, and (commas not needed) away at her pussy, and the exciting (comma not needed) sack beneath her, John’s quad full up again and (comma not needed, perhaps rewrite as 'beneath her seeing John's quad was full up again') in his hands, and then he (hands as he) towards his climax now, (comma not needed) by an eager thrill, as her mind reeled (comma not needed) of her stomach, and she moaned (comma not needed) down at Alyssa, but her (comma not needed) was overwhelming, her heart welling (comma not needed 'overwhelming her heart which welled') hushed voice, so that (comma not needed) down a bit, we'll meet you up on the Command (comma not needed) hushed voice, so that he (comma not needed) from her lips, she (comma not needed) against his, getting a quiet chuckle from (comma not needed) Tactical station, focused (replace with semi-colon) join her, he saw that (comma not needed) the panels on the consoles activated one at a time, (activated)

Tefler
>>9106640

Thanks very much for those! I fixed a bunch of those and tweaked some sentences to make the others more readable. Cheers for letting me know! :-D

Anonymous

Here's another one Tefler. "Damn, you ladies are good," John said, amazed by the trio of young woman. Tefler, M. THE JOHN BLAKE CHRONICLES Volume 2: Reaping the Whirlwind (The Unclaimed Legacy Series Book 1) (Kindle Locations 2875-2876). Kindle Edition. Woman should be women?

PLRus--Founding member of the TSM F5 club.
>>9110361

Yeah, I got to 33% and then things started clearing up a bit...but here is what I have: The crew of the Invictus sat in the Officers' lounge, cuddled (no comma needed. This is not an introductory clause) great success, the girls loving (semi-colon?) for the toast, before they all took a big drink. (no comma needed) enjoyed their company, until (no comma needed) my fault, none (either no comma or two sentences) been topped up, the redhead curled up beside John, with (no commas needed) their intensity, and he felt (no comma needed) do so, he felt himself (no comma needed) awake, staring at the ceiling, before (no commas needed) was awake too. (too requires a comma before it in this instance.) lovingly, and John (no comma needed) of big changes too recently. (too is another word for also. If you said changes also recently it would not flow as well as changes recently also. Perhaps changes recently, too would be better word placement?--note that a comma before too is required.) for me too... I (comma required before too) the pool, until she was (no comma needed) her smile, and beckoned (no comma needed) had been proven correct, when Craig dumped (no comma needed) Alyssa was on all fours, her incredible athletic figure arched, John using his tight grip on her hair for reins as he rode her tight young body. (run on sentence. Perhaps this? “Alyssa was on all fours with her incredibly athletic figure arched while John was using his tight grip on her hair as a set of reins as he rode her tight young body.” This slight change in wording turns the run-on into a compound sentence.) firmly in place, riding her through (tense change in the sentence...perhaps “firmly in place as he rode her through”?) in a soft voice, “It was (comma ok, colon better as the following information is important) girl. His tried to keep her distracted by his company, so that (He tried, and comma not necessary) evening, which gave (semi-colon better for such a strong subordinate clause containing another thought) through lusty eyes, as Sparks started (comma not needed) was done, the redhead (comma not needed) bedmates, before gliding away (comma not needed) her belly too." (comma required after belly) Sparks like these so much!" Calara sighed happily. (likes) to her too, which (move comma to before too) penetrate her, as the tight channel (comma not needed) on the bed, where he could (comma not needed) little bellies, where (comma not needed) the room, as Alyssa rapidly charted (comma not needed) sensor display, as the (comma not needed) out fast, so we can (comma not needed) concentration, as she focused on the holographic (comma not needed) breath, as the Invictus (comma not needed) weapon loadout, showing that the (comma not needed and weapon's load out or weapon loadout Hologram) Lasers were cooling, as the Invictus finally (comma not needed) Griffon, and she smoothly docked the two craft, (first comma not necessary and second should be a semi-colon) controls on the console, and the corvette was (comma not needed) and darted into their walk-in-wardrobe, to hurriedly (comma not needed) up first and after picking up an assault rifle from the weapon rack, he slammed (comma needed after and) body armour, so he handed her (comma not needed) spare mags, then picked (semi-colon or start another sentence?) armour, where he could (comma not needed) doors opened, they (comma not needed) green light indicating it was safe, (comma not needed) on his belt, and feeling (comma should be after and) them, and the sturdy airlock door rotated (comma not needed) from the pirates, so he retrieved (comma not needed) gunfire, coming from what (comma not needed) took point, and moved quickly (comma not needed) oblivious to, was the (comma not needed) the pirates split up, I'll cover the right. (comma not needed) paces or so, just in (comma not needed) intersection, as John tilted his head, straining to (intersection and John tilted his head,) front and rear, until they spotted an open doorway up ahead, the conversation inside getting louder. (sentence fragments) of the door, so that both he and Alyssa (comma not needed) of the room, where (comma not needed) unawares, and were unable (comma not needed) Now they could see him clearly for the first time,(As they could now see him clearly?) killing shot, she heard John roar and the pirate suddenly (replace comma with a period and then start a new sentence or put in a full colon as these are two independent clauses) She cupped his head in her hands and looking into his eyes. (looked) her immediately, so he made no effort to hold back. In record time Alyssa brought him to orgasm, then sucked hungrily (first comma not needed and second should be a semi-colon?) with Calara, then Sparks, over the last few weeks. (then Sparks does not rename Calara so enclosing her in commas might need changing. Perhaps “Calara and Sparks over the last few weeks”?) wake you up too," (comma in front of too) surprise, he didn’t (no comma needed) tactical map, as the incoming (no comma needed) console, as a new holographic display (no comma needed) Calara's looked bleak as she replied, (Calara) the Gas Mining Facility, as well as (no comma needed) and fast, we can wipe (no comma needed) Charles Harris, using (no comma needed) to speak to you too," John replied. (comma before too) don't make it for any reason, (no comma needed) those kind of odds, (no comma needed) need it," (replace comma with a period) see you then" (Missing period) with such huge responsibility seemed (responsibilities) and ten minutes later, the Invictus jumped (no comma needed) asteroid, which (no comma needed) Invictus was upon them, the laser cannon (them and the laser cannon?)

rich ed

ebook 2, location 1730 Alyssa is in the pool learning to swim and uses telepathy with John before he can hear her. *I'm going to move my hands away in a moment,* she heard him think clearly. Alyssa's eyes flashed open, wide with panic, as she protested, *Wait! Don't!* Tefler, M. THE JOHN BLAKE CHRONICLES Volume 2: Reaping the Whirlwind (The Unclaimed Legacy Series Book 1) (Kindle Locations 1731-1734). Kindle Edition.

Anonymous

Hey Tefler Use grammarly website for early chapters for grammar check. They also have premium version.

Anonymous

Here is another possible typo in eBook 2 Although he should have balked at the thought of letting the (two) girls man his ship into battle, there was an odd sensation in the back of his mind that made him feel surprisingly at ease with the idea... Tefler, M. THE JOHN BLAKE CHRONICLES Volume 2: Reaping the Whirlwind (The Unclaimed Legacy Series Book 1) (Kindle Locations 2979-2982). Kindle Edition. ? (three)

Tefler
>>9117083

For that one, he's specifically talking about Alyssa flying the ship and Calara shooting the guns. It's still early days for Sparks, so John isn't really thinking about her manning the ship in combat.

Anonymous

Tefler, I'm not sure about this one but it seems to say the same thing twice. (ensuring) (sure) Sparks had a beautiful memory of losing her virginity. Tefler, M. THE JOHN BLAKE CHRONICLES Volume 2: Reaping the Whirlwind (The Unclaimed Legacy Series Book 1) (Kindle Locations 3942-3943). Kindle Edition. maybe drop the (sure)

PLRus--Founding member of the TSM F5 club.

Okay, thinking this is the last major set of suggested fixes as things are reaching the point where you vastly improved your writing. Hope this is received as intended: the Invictus’ nose up hard, to avoid (no comma needed) rooms, so John led them (no comma needed) rooms, so John led them (no comma needed) double doors, so they darted up to them, getting (no commas needed—perhaps rewording for flow?--”as they prepared to storm”) console wall and covered (need a comma after wall) blackened, scorched ruins, with (should be “scorched, ruins with” the incinerated tiling, and a few (either change the comma to a semi-colon or make 2 sentences? This is a run on.) still moving, even though (no comma needed) reinforcements?" the Captain ask, his expression grim. (asked) corridor, then with the (corridor and, with the) right?!" Command Richards (Commander) start given directions (giving) soak in the shower, and (no comma needed) John dimmed the lights, so that the room was (no comma needed and maybe sub 'to where' in place of 'so that'?) angled mirrors, which allowed the subject in their (no comma needed) eyes now, gorgeous," (no comma needed) Sparks opened her eyes cautiously (perhaps “Sparks cautiously opened her eyes would flow better?) carefully pull back, before (no comma needed) grow, while repeating (no comma needed) time, ensuring sure Sparks had (delete sure) the girls entertained, to be worrying about (no comma needed) He entered the well-stocked kitchen and grabbed sheets of pasta, white sauce, herbs, (umm, as a minor point—John, being a cook, would not grab white sauce---he would make it from flour, milk, butter, salt, and pepper) asteroid belt for a few second, then replied (seconds) leaving it a hollowed out ruined shell. (need a comma after out) desperately tried to shift their stubborn pursuer, (shake) manoeuvrability to shake them. (successfully evade them? And maneuverability may be misspelled.) the dropship, where three (no comma needed) Nymph, who was planting (no comma needed) Jade waited for them patiently outside, (patiently waited)

Anonymous
>>9123289

some of your suggestions are downgrades if you ask me; commas are underrated,

Anonymous

Hey Tef, are you going to leave the "Three Square Meals" at the beginning of the chapter names?

Anonymous

Chapter 14 location 2769 "Wow! The bruises have all gone!" I think have should be are.

Muledrvr

I just got finished with the book (2). I was going to mention that I found a few typos, but didn't take notes. Glad I read through the comments... They may have already found and posted them for you LOL.

Muledrvr

LOL X-Mas was good.... Just looked, both books are currently #1 and #2 in sci-fi category.... :D

Jedi Khan
>>9149740

Well, the caveat to that is that it's the Sci-Fi subcategory of Erotica, not the overall Sci-Fi category. Still pretty good, just well...you get the idea.

Jedi Khan

At the start of chapter 14, when did the Invictus exit FTL? It almost sounds like they'd been going sublight prior to getting the distress call, even though they should have been in FTL on their way to the Chendar system.

Tefler
>>9147552

I toyed with changing it, but figured I'd just leave the chapter names the same to avoid more confusion. Eg chapter 11 - reaping the whirlwind.... (Where's chapters 1-10?)

PLRus--Founding member of the TSM F5 club.

Tefler: I have finished my proofreading...here is the last of the items I thought needed your attention: comforting presence, with his stream of thoughts from (comma not needed) nodded to let him know she was ready for me. (him) "Mmm, you really wants it too, (want) making her come over and over (cum or climax?) it, gathering his focus and centring (centering) gently as he felt the urge to come rising (cum or climax?) the moment, so continued (so he continued) gently ran it along her flesh, feeling for any join but finding only perfect smoothness, (Joint?) devote herself so completely at him. (to?) those caring arms and feel fast asleep. (fell) Tthey went their separate (double tap on the T) that much money and he agreed!" (please consider an exclamation point after money and making 'And he agreed!' As another sentence?) return. "Between all the last-minute revision and the exams, I'm worn out!" (a bit confusing....revision of what?) Alyssa looked at her in surprise then said gave her a reassuring smile. (thinking 'then said' should go with the next sentence) anything you're looking at in particular ('looking for'?) smile lighting up her very attractive feature. (features or lighting up her very attractive smile?) as the occupant began to rouse from their slumber. (its slumber....their is plural)

James Glass

I must preface this with the fact that I love this story and eagerly anticipate every chapter, but I have a suggestion for the book versions. I bought Books 1 & 2 to see what all the added scenes (which were awesome btw) and the final edits were like, but when I started book 2 I felt a little jarred. It drops right back in where book 1 left off, almost literally. It may just be my sensibilities, but when I think of "books" in a series, they usually have a little bit of ability to stand on their own, and have a brief synopsis or catchup at the beginning of subsequent books to refresh the reader with what's gone on so far. Kinda like the "When we last left our intrepid adventurers..." bit. IMO, these are less "books" and more "parts". I can completely understand that making these parts into more stand-alone-able books is a bit more work, and if you want to stick with the process you have, I'll support it. Just thought you'd appreciate an alternate perspective.

Jedi Khan
>>9159284

It does make sense to do a little recap at the start of each book, but right now, it fits with the way the story is written and how we all know it. When bingeing out on your favorite TV show, do you want them to do a recap before every episode or just get on with the story? Of course, with the books not being stand alone, there is the possibility that this story could be a contender for the Guinness World Record for Longest Novel. I believe the criteria for that is that the story has to be one contiguous piece, not broken into stand alone pieces, as well as been published by mainstream publisher. The current record holder is Marcel Proust for his book "A la recherche du temps perdu" (translated "Remembrance of Things Past"), released in 1912. It measures at 9,609,000 characters (each letter counts as one character, including spaces).

Jedi Khan

Huh. Just had a brainwave. We're all fairly certain that projectile weapons have no effect on shields, right? Well, I just read the section in book 2 where the pirate cruiser Stalingrad ambushed the Invictus. "Alyssa dipped the Invictus and was yawing to the right to avoid fire from the pursuing corvettes, which meant that the enormous shells from the Heavy cannons sailed wide. They detonated a few hundred metres away from their hull with colossal explosive force, the huge waves of energy caressing their shields. Unfortunately, the incoming fire from their Beam Laser battery was much more accurate, with four of the six lasers scything across the shields over the rear of the dodging assult cruiser. 'Shields down to 28%!' the redhead cried in alarm." Just before that paragraph, the Invictus' shields were at 60%. So did the four beam laser hits knock the shields down 32%, or did the explosions from the heavy cannon shells contribute? We know the shells themselves do nothing to shields on impact, but what if the shells had proximity fuses set to detonate just before impact with the shields? Would the explosions do damage to the shields, or if close enough, the armor? If so, then perhaps the Terran's favored projectile weapons won't be as useless as expected in the coming fight against the Kintark. At the very least, filling the space around the Kintark ships with a barrage of heavy ordnance should help mitigate the damage output of the Kintark ships, as the shots from their plasma weapons would have to travel through a cloud of explosions and shrapnel before reaching the Terran ships. A lot can be said for the defensive benefits of a well coordinated flak screen.

Jedi Khan
>>9168612

Then there's this paragraph: "The Invictus trembled a second later as the rail guns fired, the hyper warp shells slamming into two fo the corvettes. Normally ineffective against shielded targets, the shells still had sufficient momentum to send the tiny corvettes spiraling out of control, each one colliding with massive chunks of ice that were drifting nearby." Even if the Terran's projectile weapons do nothing to the Kintark shields, the raw kinetic energy from the impact of a barrage against the shields should give the Kintark ships a good shake, possibly knocking crewmen from their seats, throwing off targeting, and maybe causing some critical components to rattle loose. Think of it like a submarine weathering a depth charge run: even if the sub is lucky enough to avoid having a depth charge connect directly with its hull, the sub will still suffer mightily.

Evan

Command Blake! What's going on here?! -> Commander Blake! What's going on here?!

Hunter Morgan

I purchased both ebooks today

Evan

desperately needed a good clean -> desperately needed a good cleaning

Evan

Mmm, you really wants it too, don't you beautiful? -> Mmm, you really want it, too; don't you, beautiful?

Jedi Khan

In chapter 18, just after Sparks finds out that John agreed to knock up both Alyssa and Clara, John telepathically apologizes to Alyssa, and she replied telepathically as well, even though she supposedly didn't learn to do that until the trip to Ashana. Don't suppose this was intentional, to have them actually converse telepathically without really realizing it?

Anonymous

In many of the preafrooding comments I worry that you (collectively) may be pulling Tefler away from his style to something else. And, sadly, changing the language from English to American in the process. Sometimes it needs a delicate touch to let the author's voice through. Yes I've been over-edited from English to American in some of my magazine article writing; for me the best editors had a light touch and subtle guidance. With the occasional "WTF?" when I strayed too far from the point. But still letting my language come through.

Anonymous
>>9180945

OMG; no, the semicolon totally ruins the flow in that. I would suggest the first comma is unnecessary, and resist the parenthetical comma after you as well.

Anonymous
>>9158034

revision? Not confusing at all, you revise for the exams.