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It's UP, I DID IT: ASK AMANDA #5 - Should I Have A Kid? (Patreon)

Published:
2022-09-30 01:43:52
Imported:
2023-03

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Dear Ones...

I DID IT!!! It took every spare second of the last few days, but I wrote my heart out and I got it, up. Ask Amanda #5 is OUT!!!!!!!

I've already sent it to three friends who said it brought them to tears.

Yay me. Someday I'll be able to write shit that is't always about crying. But probably not for a few years.

I'm just not there yet.

Hi Amanda,

A couple years ago, my husband and I decided that we wanted to have a baby, and set a date to start trying. Then the pandemic happened, and then I had a series of health problems, so it’s been on hold, and the waiting gave me too much time to overthink it. Now I’m not so sure.

When I think of myself 10 or 20 years from now, I see a mom. I’d like to have a family, since I was pretty much on my own before I met my husband. The problem is that I don’t like being around children. Babies and teens are great, but children (around 2-10 years old) are hard for me to be around, probably because of my own childhood trauma. (I’ve read that unconscious sensory triggers can remind my brain of its own childhood, which was rough.) I know I’ll be a good mom when they’re older, but I’m afraid I won’t be a good mom to a young kid because I won’t want to spend time with them. Should I listen to that impulse? Am I unable to give a kid the mom they deserve?

Thanks a million,

L.H. or “Doubtful in Nebraska”

P.S. I hope you pick me! I see a lot of stuff about women who know they want kids, and about women who know they don’t want kids. Women who are in between and undecided aren’t talked about enough. It’s a lonely position to be in.

......

READ THE ANSWER HERE: 

https://amandapalmer.substack.com/p/ask-amanda-5-should-i-have-a-kid?sd=pf

And please, if you love the piece, share it!!!!, and also tell the story of how your patronage made the writing happen. 

Art doesn't happen in a goddamn vacuum.





It's there - live and published - on the substack "Ask Amanda" page (It's free). Drawings are, as usual, by Sarah Beetson.

This time I played around and took some on-theme photos of Coco Karol (taken here in the woods). This embedded video (here, above) is a live reading of the last draft that also goes to the $5 Substack folks. It's FORTY (40!) minutes long, so go get a drink and a hanky. It was copy-edited by Rina Bander.

Don't forget the Althing is coming out tomorrow, too, with a little video and a lotta text. 

Pace yourselves, yo!

I had a great chat with patreon today, by the way, about moving to a monthly model. IT MAY BE ABLE TO HAPPEN and I THINK THIS WILL BE GOOD. Prepare.

......

I wanted to give a special shout out to everyone for working last-minute on this one, as is becoming embarrassingly usual. Rina (the copy editor, bless her heart) pulled long, weird hours, Coco hopped into the photo session without blinking, and Sarah cranked out some absolutely gorgeous art - and her own words. And, holy shit, it all came together in a glorious package.

Here's me and Coco after our little house-woods photo session. 

SMOOSH!!!!

I love that because I have this patreon, I would up getting to photograph my friend being a strong goddman mom in the woods. 

I even got to PAY HER. YAAAAAAYYYY.

Here's a super-glorious photo of Dancing Woods Coco that I didn't use in the piece...

But also, YOU.

You all - my wonderful, weird and understanding patrons - you really helped along with this one. I wouldn't have gotten off my ass and written it were it not for your support the other night.

Thank you so, so much for being my patrons.

GO READ THE PIECE, CRY IF YOU GOTTA, AND SHARE IT AROUND!!!!!!!

x

A


Comments

Laura Wellner

OMG Amanda, yes to all of that! Well done! I never planned to have kids, and I didn't think I'd ever meet someone who I'd want to have a kid with until I did. And when I became pregnant at 23 in spite of "being careful" I sucked it up and went with the flow. We got married. I had no clue what I was getting into, I was scared at times, but then, not at all. I felt very brave going through this big life event and taking pleasure in "How fucking cool is this? I'm having a baby! Let's sit and watch the baby kick and roll around inside my belly!" And there were times I felt OMG, who do I think I am bringing a child into this fucked up world, we could all be vaporized by Russian nukes and...(ugh, after all these years, that worry is still there.) The endless list of nightmare scenarios never go away. We had very little money during my pregnancy, thankfully, I had insurance through my job, and we shared a house at times with one to three other people for the first three years of our kid's life. I also had to put up with the echoes of past childhood trauma, and my own self-doubts, I felt so unfit to be a mother. There were times I felt like a shitty parent because I wanted to continue pursuing my creative self, struggling to fit a few hours here and there to follow my bliss and then being pissed off at the kid for foiling my plans because the dramas of child-rearing disrupted everything. And of course, because I wasn't being a "baby factory," I caught plenty of shit for being "selfish" not having more kids. My mom wept when I told her that I was having my "tubes tied," I was 40 at the time, and I didn't want to have another "accident." I was just starting to move forward with my creative self after having it on a semi-hold while raising the kid. Anyways, we couldn't afford it, kids are expensive. Fast forward, it worked out. We raised this kid to become a fully functioning adult and a good example for others to follow. He's so level-headed I don't know how he could be my kid, it's funny, isn't it? He happens to be still living with us, but that's an economic decision during difficult times. He's our built-in best friend. We were kids when we had him, and we grew up together. I have no regrets. It's all good.

Anonymous

Looking forward to reading the comments here; the pieces and comments on substack have been so... Therapeutic... To read. Even the darkest-to-me one speaks to my own anxieties. That said, this post and so many other similar Things have come up for me at the most cosmically timed moments that I can't help but laugh: I'm lying here in my 30s in no small amount of physical pain at 39+ weeks pregnant, in a solidly purple state that is on the knife edge of taking away my future reproductive rights, with a partner who's supported my hemming and hawing for over a decade (no slip-ups, access to Plan B the one time I wanted to be extra sure, and he's always had visions of having a kid with me but didn't say anything for years because he didn't want to pressure me or make me feel weird); survived a devastating miscarriage exactly a year ago, still processing my own very very complicated feelings about parenting and family trauma ... I'm so so so scared. About the process of birth, about what parenting will be like, about what I'm bringing this kid into. And I've already learned so much about myself and this kid and they're not even here yet. I am BEYOND grateful for my Spouse, my therapist, my doula, and the tribe here and on the Shadowbox, for the people who held me last year and who are holding me now; the women in my life who I regret not being closer to when I was younger; i marvel at my mom's strength the more I unpack, and I am trying now for the first time in 30 years to hold a nuanced version of my dad in my head versus the nigh hero-worship of a complicated and traumatized guy who's gone off the deep end (in my mind)... But like I've told my therapist, i can't even be anxious about the nuances of parenting or this kid yet because it's all such an unknown. I don't know who they'll be. Or what they'll experience. And i can do my best and they might still be fucked up. But. Here we are, winds ripping at the window as a hurricane may or may not be heading our way. We'll know by the end of the day I suppose. It'll be what it'll be, at this point. Time to buckle up and buckle in.

Anonymous

I chose not to have children due to my trauma and it was the best choice I ever could have made. I'm a wonderful auntie. I love my friends' children. And I am absolutely sure I made the right choice. I applaud anyone who thinks it through before deciding either way. Our culture is so ill about children.

Anonymous

Thank you for this, Amanda. I needed to read this. I'm also years-deep into questioning and it's such a lonely place to be. Yet again, I feel held by you. I'm 32, about to be 33. In my early twenties, before I trained as a teacher, I was sure I wanted to be a parent. In my mid twenties, with a couple of years of teaching four-year-olds in my pocket, I decided I definitely didn't want to be a parent. I left teaching three years ago, and now I just don't know. I'm so afraid of being too weak not to pass on trauma. I'm seeking an autism diagnosis and I'm afraid that my sensory needs etc. will make it harder to keep my cool. I'm afraid of being in constant meltdown or shutdown. But even if I can do it... how the hell do I afford it? Here in England we're facing a cost of living crisis so huge that I don't know how it can be solved. The heating bills just keep going up. The house prices and mortgage rates too. Four months ago we could afford to finally buy our own house - we've been saving for more than a decade - and today I don't know that we can anymore. I keep looking at the property websites and despairing at the tiny houses we can't afford anyway. I expect my rent to be put up any day. How can I bring a baby into this instability? How can I possibly afford all the nappies and baby clothes and toys? I feel like the choice is being robbed from me.

Anonymous

I laughed, I cried, I nodded, I felt the agony. I just turned 31 and from the outside looking in a lot of people probably assume my life should be pretty great. However, I have been pretty much battling depression and an existential crisis this past year and the whole question whether or not to have kids has definitely been part of it. Being a woman in the beginning of her thirties it’s hard to avoid that question anyhow. It felt so good to hear you talk about the agony and doubt that I’ve come to know over the past few years. Right now I’m just trying pretty hard to be good to myself and not to try and attempt to solve all of life’s big questions at once. Thank you for this wonderful piece. I felt so seen!

Lynn Robinson

So powerful & honest - that sums you up AFP. I’m a 60 year old with 3 grown up kids. All born when I was in my 30s. Still worry hugely about them all. Eldest has health issues he’s not addressing. Middle child & her partner have recently moved in with us temporarily as they wait for the purchase of their first house to go through. Love my daughter so much but also find her frustrating as an adult at times . I know she also gets annoyed by me too! Youngest has moved back too after a hugely painful breakup with his long term girlfriend. I’ve also been very worried about him & the change in his personality that this breakup has caused. At the end of the day - all we want is for our children to be happy and fulfilled . When they’re not , neither are we. I hope whatever decision Doubtful in Nebraska makes/ made brings her peace xxx

Anonymous
>>92650704

right here with you on the 'jesus christ england is really making this a lot harder' angle. i saw someone say the other day that their electricity is going to be £10 a DAY from today. we don't have a smart meter, and i'm scared about this winter. and it's just us two. no tiny baby that needs the house to be kept warm and free from damp and all these things that are somehow really, really expensive. i'm only 25 but i have a condition that impacts my fertility.. so i feel it. i'm thinking about it. i'm scared. i also have ADHD and a lot of sensitivities, meltdowns (when i was unmedicated). my partner also has ADHD. our baby would probably have ADHD. if we struggle to buy groceries for ourselves, how do we know we wouldn't fail our kid(s)? but then i get so mad at myself, because i would never say to another disabled person that they shouldn't have a child because of their disability. i will say, that if you have good people around you, pretty much any situation can be made to work, from what i've seen. if you have a strong network of close friends, who have demonstrable affinity towards picking you up, helping you out, The Village can materialise and make it ok. and i do have a faith that whatever happens, it will be ok. and this faith is what keeps me on the edge of saying 'why not? let's do it!' i want to finish my MA first. but other than that... everything else can shift around to accommodate, i think. even that probably could if it happened. i'm loved, and in a loving relationship, and even if that fell away i could probably make it work on my own. i live near family, who could help. i spend every day trying to identify my 'Village'. and the 'it will be ok' comes from knowing that they would be there to pick me up.

Anonymous

I'll keep this short. Be happy if it's possible. I've never had a relationship so I can't fully understand. But if it comes from love that is beautiful

Anonymous

I really enjoyed how honest you were about parenting. In fact, your journey was happening along side my journey. Yes and what a crazy crazy world it is. And yes my whole world is suffering because of it unfortunately. I love my daughter, but in all honesty, I should have listened to my gut. I really should not have had her. I do regret it. But I will carry on and be the best momma to her I can possibly be. However, in the end.....I wish I hadn't. I was not in the right situation, did not have the support. My marriage was struggling. The child tore it apart. Not her fault. The relationships fault. I actually have more support now that I'm divorced than I did married. I have completely lost myself, I feel it physically. I will prevail yes, yes I will. But I wish I didn't have to...."prevail." Just an ode to those who do regret it. We will also be ok. I am a life lover. But this kid runs me to the ground. P.S This is definitely me venting. Thank you for the safe space to do so!

Dorit

Thank you so much for this! I have a feeling I will be rewatching as time goes on.

Anonymous

Just catching up on Patreon. Thank you Amanda for being open and honest and complete.