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before i really wake, i talk to you. {patron-only, voiceramble) (Patreon)

Published:
2020-08-31 03:20:42
Imported:
2023-03

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hallo loves.

i woke up before ash did this morning, so i hid under a blanket and said the first things that came to mind before the clock struck 7am.

it's 6 minutes. 

i've missed doing these....it helps.

here, too on soundcloud, as a private link, downloadable:

https://soundcloud.com/amandapalmer/voiceramble-august-31-2020/s-VPL024l2gDC

the website should be thinged tomorrow if all goes well.

readin comments. and i'm slowwwwly going through these as well. they're sall o beautiful. thank you for everything you wrote. 

i love you. all. a lot. i hope you're all hanging in there, whatever that means. life is ... quite a ride.

speaking of which, go see this amazing "it's just a ride" tattoo story on instagram. it's a good one. someone made art and posted it and then someone else got it tattooed the next day.

the synchronicities of the internet and this life never cease to bring me joy.

also...

i now officially need reading glasses ALMOST ALL THE TIME.

i think it was lockdown that did it.

my poor eyes. anyway, i feel smarter.


xa



 

------THE NEVER-ENDING AS ALWAYS---------

IF YOU'RE IN THE USA.....DON'T FORGET TO REGISTER TO VOTE IN THE NOVEMBER 2020 ELECTION. DO NOT BE CONFUSED!!! help is there: you can register to vote, find your local voter registration deadlines, update your voter registration, check that your registration is still on the books, find your polling place and other important election information HERE at http://headcount.org

..........

1. if you’re a patron, please click through to comment on this post. at the very least, if you’ve read it, indicate that by using the heart symbol. that's always nice for me to see, so i know who's reading. 

2. see All the Things (over 100 of them) i've made so far on patreon: http://amandapalmer.net/patreon-things

3. JOIN THE SHADOWBOX COMMUNITY FORUM, find your people, and discuss everything: https://forum.theshadowbox.net/

4. new to my music and TOTALLY OVERWHELMED? TAKE A WALK THROUGH AMANDALANDA….we made a basic list of my greatest hits n stuff (at least up until a few years ago, this desperately needs updating) on this lovely page: http://amandalanda.amandapalmer.net/

5. general AFP/patreon-related questions? ask away, someone will answer: patronhelp@amandapalmer.net


Files

Comments

Pedro B. Gorman

Just listened to “The Man Who Até Too Much”... the ethereal quality to the mix is airy, light at times, but also dense, menacing... it took me through such a palette of emotions. I’m gonna have to listen again and again to peel back all the sonic/poetic lyrics! You, rock, Mama! Xoxoxo I... Love... You! Gonna listen to you ramble before I sleep. There is always something about the frequency of your voice I find healing. :)

Pedro B. Gorman

Just listened to your voiceramble... here are my thoughts: with love, from Portugal. Dear Amanda, It seems that, if nothing else, the pandemic has been an opportunity for many of us to rethink our old lifestyles; in fact, it's been more of an opportunity for the planet to show us that the only thing that is permanent is impermanence. Such a shame that the man in the White House is adverse to learning, and thinking, and feeling. How typical, that we as a race, over the millennia, have become so arrogant and so full of our own conceit — beautiful though it might be at times – that we demand that it be the earth that roll with our punches, rather than the other way around. I must say I cried a little with emotion when I listened to your voice ramble, because an unconscious, unwilling part of my first seconds of wakefulness includes my beating myself up over this or that or why am I not what if I… I, like you, am trying to redefine my old script, and slink my calloused feet into shoes that are as yet unworn and pinched the heel. We are in this together... all of us... love to you all, my darlings! Pedro Xoxoxo

Anonymous

I'm just listening to this at the end of my day here in NH after having a day of crying and stress and fear over where I'm going to move and how I'm going to afford it with my kids as a single mom... and listening to your ramble somehow made me feel a lot better. Your voice is endlessly calming for me. I hope things get better for all of us, everywhere, soon... Don't beat yourself up, we're all proud of you and even if you aren't putting out constant content we still love you. You are kicking ass, Amanda... be proud of your strength and all the things you do.

Anonymous

Hang in there - sending love to you and everyone struggling ❤️

Anonymous

I'm nodding along. This morning I made myself almost apologise to myself for thinking I was a pathetic loser who couldn't do anything and wasn't going anywhere. I want to be an artist but think all my art is shit. I think if we are doing it we are it. like you write songs so you are a song writer. I have the same problem. I do a lot of different stuff and cant focus one thing because I enjoy so many different things. I used to want to be someone who's voice was heard, who could help people and was influential. Now I want a nice girl friend (preferably who has a dog) with a job that pays the bills that I dont hate, and a house by the river in Camden. Thats a huge dream for me. I am growing a lot by fuuuck I'm lonely. It reminds me of when I moved home. I lived away from home for 6 years then couldnt aford it anymore so came back home. I had a few friends and social nights I liked to go to. I came home to nothing. 2 years later I have a few friends who live near me that I met through a trans group and few people who I don't know if we are 'friends' but I know from your gigs and facebook and they are gorgeous people who I feel so lucky to know (shout out Cassie, Mike, Sue, Robin, Dylan, Ellen, Marley, Peter, Toby, Casey and anyone I forgot) . I built it all up from nothing and it got shot down. At the same time my job that I got a year ago, running an LGBT youth group. about 3 or four people would come and it was not run well and I was finding my feet. Over the year I got 9 people coming, found my feet and started partnership working with other organisations. Then in January I was told I was being made redundant. The redudancy got drawn out and I interviewed for what was my job mixed with a different role last month. I didn't get it. So now I'm in a position I was two years ago. Isolated. Everything I built gone. It's so werid, and I'm trying so hard to see it as an oportunity. Anyway I dunno if I'm even writing this to anyone anymore, just to me laid out what I already knew, but easy to see.

Laura Wellner

I loved your ramble yesterday morning, it helped. I didn't get back to give it love or to send you my hugs n' love because it was that kind of morning and I got distracted and didn't get to get back to you. I'm having a "time." Today, I totally screamed at my laptop out of pure frustration with to much of too many things all at once...simply too much shit. I lost count how may FUCK THIS I said (or rather screamed.) I have to say, I fucking feel better for blowing off the steam. I needed it. Nothing like a primal scream at 2PM in the afternoon...amazingly I didn't turn into a sobbing hot mess ugly crying all by myself. Thankfully, my neighbor was mowing his lawn so he didn't hear me. OMG. Cleansing. Not sure how healthy it was, or any other negative connotations of having a screaming meltdown when the last straw happened, but...whatever, I feel more "quiet" inside. Shit happens. I screamed and got clarity afterwards. Dealing with the fucktastrophy (is that a word? It would be useful...) pandemic shit storm and our dumpster fire country...etc...Part of the days stress (a small part, but still...), there's a very slight chance that I've been exposed to COVID19. A VERY slight chance. But even the slightest possibility is disconcerting. Still waiting to hear if the person being tested is positive. It's certainly been a ride...I'm glad you're here. Art making is so very important to me, and I barely have time for it, but I'm making the time, I must. Even if it's just 5 minutes to scratch out a few lines or smudges in my nightly drawing (I'm on drawing #18 of my COVID19 Series.) It's so important. Part of the making stuff is the struggle to get to making it. That sweet spot where it all pours out after a spell, when the time is right it flows. No worries. Sweet little Ash. Hug him for me, he's such a beautiful child. Hug yourself from me, you're such a beautiful soul. Love.

Anonymous

Just...WOW... totally NAILED how I feel about...every f’cking thing right now, love. I think isolation is revving up the ol’ psychic hot wire. Be kind to yourself. ♥️

Anonymous

Ive only now had a moment and sit with this and I just wanted to say thank you. I appreciate your real, raw, thoughts and emotions. Your ability to say things I think so many of us feel or have felt and maybe haven’t been able to say aloud. I feel a little less crazy tonight listening and reading the responses of others. Thank you Amanda for this space and everyone here for just being amazing.

Anonymous

Letting go of ideas is painful, and requires and deserves a grieving process. Changing the things we do is easier than changing how we think about it. You have already changed the output. Today you make ART, and build a worldwide village, run the business, and raise a child . . . . When there is time and space for the grieving process you can get to the hard work of letting go of the ideas. We don't have to carve those chunks out of ourselves to change them, they are the foundations for a new me, you, us. Love you too

Anonymous

One reason I am grateful for the pandemic is it led me to you. Tired of scrolling through what felt like heartless emotionless IG posts, I decided to look for someone to Patreon. I read an article about artists to Patreon and I discovered you. Approaching 50 and still filled with child-like dreams, I love creating whatever it is I am compelled to create. You are touching the world, keep reaching in whatever way your heart desires.

Anonymous

I was laying in my bed, yelling at me, when I heard your voice ramble. Then, I stopped asking myself, what's next, what I have to do today, what I have to do more, what I have to do less ... Thank you for sharing.

Anonymous

I too haven't felt like an artist during this "lockdown" or "quarantine". Even when the stay-at-home orders ended and everyone insisted things were "going back to normal", it wasn't and it couldn't. I live somewhere where it seems at least half of the people "don't believe in the coronavirus" or don't take it seriously. So when the "lockdown ended", some people went back to work, to their studios, their friends and familes' homes, to some small semblance of normallcy. but for those of us who are high-risk, who know whether from doctors or in our heart of hearts we would die if we ever got this virus, it feels like it will never end. This isolation, whether literal or social, has sucked so much joy out of my life lately. My ambitiom and motivation to move foreward has been beaten and strangled. Sure, I still find moments of happiness, but that high only joy in one's life can bring has evaporated. I'm utterly dehydrated from the lack of joy. My poetry comes from these painful, dark corners and recesses of my life. but my art? My art celebrates the happiness, the beauty of life. How can one be inspired or create art that acts as an ode to the world the artist cannot even step out and see without fear, defeat, and discouragement? I am not afraid of death, but in some ways I am afraid of pain. I am afraid of hurting others, of leaving things behind unfinished. but everything I do I leave unfinished. Numerous paintings, a handful of blogs, a handful of poems, my meals, my relationships. So why am I so afraid of something which is so prevalent in my life? It's as if I've forgotten how to be creative. As if a natural part of myself I've always had, like a well during a drought, has gone bone dry....