ash and amanda, waking up (Patreon)

{public post}

he woke up. he looked at me

 “good morning mama!”

“good morning, ash. i love you.”

“i never want dreams again.”

“did you dream about anything?”

“yes.”

“was it a good dream? or a bad dream?”

“it was a good dream.”

“what happened in the dream?”

“i don’t want to tell you.” 

what does he mean he doesn’t want to tel me. was it really a nightmare too horrific for words. maybe he is afraid to share things with me now. maybe this is all too much for him. maybe this is the moment he can’t handle things anymore. doesn’t he trust me? doesn’t he want to tell me? doesn’t he want to tell me everything? maybe it was a good dream but he doesn’t trust me anymore and i can’t be a part of the good part of his life. maybe i’m the enemy. maybe he’s scared to die. maybe he’s scared i’ll die. maybe he doesn’t want me to know anything good anymore. who the fuck does he think he is? i raised him. i suckled him at my breast for two years. i brought him to new zealand, to the safest place on earth, doesn’t he know how lucky he is? maybe he’s dreaming of home. maybe he hates me. maybe he hates both of us. maybe this will be the moment i lose him. maybe it’s all over. why won’t he tell me his good dream? he should tell me his good dream. why wouldn’t he want to share every dream good or bad with me. why would he want to share every every thing with me. why would he trust me, trust me, love me, love me, love me, love me... 

i blink back tears

 “it’s okay, ash. you don’t have to tell me. i’m glad you had a good dream. i’m so happy you had a good dream.”

more soon. 

overwhelmed at the moment. 

getting there though 

x

a

------THE NEVER-ENDING AS ALWAYS---------

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