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one short wave (Patreon)

Published:
2019-07-10 03:12:11
Imported:
2023-04

Content

(patron-only post)

my loves 

this is ash this morning. and this is a short wave post to tell you that i am buried but alive and flailing a haply but tired arm your way. i’ve been collapsed - deliciously, relentlessly - under family, friends, guests and a not-unusual constellation of post-tour collapse, work and recording promises, email backlog and ceaseless domestic life. 

as i have learned to do: i’m not panicking, i refuse to. and i refuse to feel overwhelmed. i’m just slowing down and trying to do one thing at a time, knowing i’ll barely make a dent each day. 

and everytime i power down at the end of the day, tenoted as hell to be, disappointed in my own progress, and face the luxury of gping to sleep (BUT I DIDNT GET ENOUGH DONE) i say: i did enough. 

i know this mental trap. 

i didn’t get enough work done. i didn’t get enough things crossed off the list. i didn’t try hard enough. i didn’t spend enough tine with ash. the quality of my attention wasn’t enough. it all wasn’t enough. 

and yet. i know i’m wrong. i did enough. 

because it’s what i did. 

and i know you understand and that’s why youre my fucking patrons. writing a note like this makes me feel better, though. it’s nice and real, now. 

so yeah. 

almost up at bat: the june state of all things, a big missive about merch, blog reflecting on the retreat i just went on (with lots of you), and more. and when i truly catch up (will i?) a lot of questions and discussions about what is coming next after this album is over. 

i love you all. 

this is life. 

i hope whenever you are you’re being patient with yourself. 

it is impossible to get everything done and done right. 

make sure you are, in the wise words of a fatally ill warren zevon, enjoying every sandwich. 

i will try, too. 

and i’ll write soon. 

a


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Comments

Anonymous

I believe that I have patience. I think I have patience with you. And i try to have patience with myself too. Anyway... Hey! I Love You! And I try to love myself too ...

Anonymous

As someone who often says I feel like I need to pack as much as possible into a day, I'm really feeling this.

Laura Wellner

Patience...if anything, I've learned that valuable way of being...patient with myself and with others. I've gotten better at it lately. Today I finally got to move the 200 odd pieces of artwork in the collection that needed to be relocated to make room for more stuff...so I was happily going about my business totally OCD happy, and when someone asked me if I needed any help, I yelped "NOPE! I've got this." It's what I do best at the day job, juggling art, making things fit. But in the back of my mind all day was worry about my wee donkey and her sore hoof, one of those tiny teacup hooves has an abscess, it's that time of year for abscesses according to my farrier (it seems it's always that time of year, too wet, too dry, too hot, too cold...grass is too sweet, first cut hay is the worst...) This is my wee girl's second one in a month, poor thing. No treats (she's begging for a banana, but can't have one.) I've had to weed-whack the entire paddock down to near dirt so she doesn't get to eat any grass...again, my OCD had a ball until the batteries ran out. I do believe the wee girl is feeling better tonight, it hurts my heart to see her limping, then she gives me attitude when I'm trying to apply the poultice and give her a pain reliever, (speaking of patience...for fuck sake stand still wee donkey, i'm not trying to kill you!) I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the poultice is working to soothe her wee pin. Her 28th birthday was on Sunday, and she's doing well for an old gal in spite of the abscess (in human years she'd be considered to be 80-ish). After all that sweating and worry, I sat out in the yard with my Fred drinking beers until the fireflies twinkled, it was lovely (except for the fucking mosquitoes.) I didn't want tonight to end. So glad to hear from you, and will catch up on all the news in the State o' Things. Ash is so precious! Love n' hugs!!

Anonymous

Thank you many times for this, Amanda – as many of your other loving patrons have said. I need to remember this too, and not to berate myself for being still up at 10 of three in the morning, having not studied or read a book for the upcoming panel but having just edited Wikipedia for hours to get something working right. Love and kisses.

Anonymous

Needed that today. Thank you x

Anonymous

I’m going to try to repeat that to myself — I will not get overwhelmed by the enormity of what I have to accomplish/to do. I

Anonymous

But how do you do that practically? I’m building my fan base and it requires a lot of time — that I’m happy to give, but it feels like I’m always running behind, always have more to do. I consistently feel that I’m not doing enough. It takes time to post on all the platforms, and also to interact, respond, etc. I’m happy doing it — connecting with people over art is what I live for — but I’m also exhausted and shake the feeling that I’m not growing fast enough and not doing enough. How do you handle the pressure from the never-ending needs of the social media space?

Anonymous

This is the second post of yours I have seen today that I absolutely needed to see. Thank you, Amanda. As always. &lt;3

Fanny von B

Thank you. Thank you for being real, honest. I am learning to be enough, having been a yes person my whole life, I am learning to say no and taking time to realize my worth in what I am at any given moment in time. It isn't easy. Reading this affirmed, we are all enough, we really need to remind ourselves more often. Love to you &lt;3