SIGN HERE, PLEASE (on feeling lonely after shows.) (Patreon)

(patron-only post)

hallo loves.

**edit....and worth notifying you, because i slammed my hand against my head when i realized i hadn’t said it: if you were at ANY of the shows...detroit, montreal, toronto, philly, DC, any of the warm-up shows...go for it. this was meant to be an open invitation to all if it wasnt obvious**

greetings from home...where i landed last night after flying back from the philadephia show (through albany airport) and collapsed in a heap at neil's feet. i posted this to instagram this morning:

first of all...here's me and a bunch of philly patrons in front of an owl, looking scared. photo by hayley:

(photo: hayley rosenblum)

the show in DC was 4.5 hours, the show in philly was a little over three and a half....i think that this show is just gonna be really, really long. there are cities where i'm going to have to cut shit short because there are house and union curfews (i'm waiting to see that list)....but mostly, i think the organic nature of things is that this is a 3.5 hour show in its natural state.

i've never done a show like this. 

it's so weird.

every other time i've toured "solo", i simply do what i want to do, play what i want to play, and adjust the length of the show according to....what i feel like doing. this tour is not like that. this tour is a motherfucker of specificity. i have to Do A Real Thing.

and when planning this tour, i got a few things wrong.

first of all: i thought that playing the songs on this record would be EASY. they are, mostly, not nearly as demanding as some of the material on "theatre is evil" and "who killed amanda palmer". the songs are in my vocal range. most of them are slow.

i figured that this would mean that the show would be easy to play, and easy to deliver night after night. but i didn't really figure in the emotional exhaustion factor.

so....spoiler (but not really? given the album and the way i've been pitching the sho, you probably saw it all coming). i talk on stage. a lot. i talk about a lot of really hard things. i talk about having abortions. i talk about having a miscarriage. i talk about grief, and pain. i connect things. it is, after all, all connected.

i realized i also sort of positioned this show wrong when i sent it to the promotors. it really is....a one-woman show. it's a piece of theater. with a beginning, middle and end. 

and all that being said, i found myself wondering when and where i would have time to also fit in signings. i did a signing in montreal - and that's the only one i've done. so ironic, given we didn't have any merchandise...but hey. it felt wonderful. because...i don't sign things to sell merch, not really. i don't sign things to win hearts.

i have to be honest with y'all: i sign after shows because I NEED IT. i sign after shows because otherwise it's just too goddamn lonely. to share your heart like that and then get in a car with a stranger and go crash in a hotel by an airport is just....i can't explain it. it's the worst feeling.

it's like having sex with no cuddle. it's like climaxing and then running out the door or, worse, watching the other person jump out of bed and scram.

i feel so connected on stage...to you. to the crowd. to everybody. it's such an intense feeling, especially when you're delving into topics like this. it needs....comedown. or i get the bends.

i felt so satisfied after playing in montreal that i got to see and hug people, and hold their hands, and see their growing baby-bellies and hear their miscarriage and cancer stories. i needed it to feel connected.

but here's the thing.

i'm also FUCKING EXHAUSTED after playing a four hour show. at the end of the signing line in montreal, which lasted about 90 minutes, i could barely stand up. i think doing signings on this tour is just gonna be...really rare. 

after the shows in DC and philly this weekend, i met with some of the upper-tier patrons (HI YOU ALL) and it was nice, though somewhat awkward....because everyone is just sitting there going ... wow, that was a thing ... and there i am, standing with my face still caked with tears and make-up, trying to be cheerful while i sign books and ukuleles. and i love doing it. but i wonder if there's a better way. weirdly, the signing line actually feels more intimate than these meet and greets because everybody has allotted, sacred, uninterruptible time with me. there's a ritual. maybe i'll make sure the meet and greet actually has a line. because fuck it.

one of my good friends, malka, came to meet me after the DC show. the one that went 4.5 hours. she went straight into friend-mode, and i felt my brain collapsing. i wanted and needed to be her friend but i actually felt myself unable to deliver my friendship to her...it was as if someone had pulled the drain out of the bottom of my emotional bathtub. i just couldn't even keep my thoughts straight.

i thought: i need to be careful. i shouldn't be offering myself to anyone after this show. it's stupid, and inconsiderate. i can't do anything. i'm useless.

when i went to see hannah gadbsy's show in london, we'd been chattingon DM in twitter, and i asked if she wanted to hang out after the show. 

she said she never sees anybody after the show.

i was like:

that's weird.

i didn't really get it at the time.

now i get it.

.........

but also....it's confusing. 

i need people. i need it. i need the feedback. i kind of die inside without it.

rizo, my singer friend, said something so honest the other night:

she talked about driving back from the gig and checking the twitter feed for comments. i do that. especially on nights where i haven't had time to feel a post-show connection with the hundreds or thousands of people there...i need it. some kind of affirmation.

a "yes - that happened".

i think it's normal.

jason (webley) and i have talked about this as well.

we've talked about the harrowing loneliness - it's a very specific kind - that you feel after leading a huge group of people through the dark and light during a stage performance...and then, there you are, alone, in a room, on a bed....facing the silence. 

i think many musicians and performers feel this and....it's a crushing feeling, the un-easy bends of stage to silence. sometimes we fill that vacancy up with strangers, just so there's someone in the bed. sometimes we attach to the internet. sometimes we drink and collapse. i've done all those things.

..........

what can i do?

here's what i'd like to ask you...and if you're coming to the upcoming shows in chicago and st. paul, we can experiment.

there is no way i'll be signing in chicago. the venue fits over 3,000 people and i have to wake up early the next day to fly to st. paul. i'll probably skip signing in st. paul as well, unless i manage to get a massive second wind after the show. 

i'll do what i did in all the cities thee past few weekends and sign a HUGE amount of vinyl, artbooks and CDS. hundreds. there will be plenty if you want it.

here's me signing a fuck ton of posters in DC:

(photo: hayley rosenblum)

yes, that's michael being awesome.

...............

BUT.....

AND.......

i have an idea.

READY FOR MY IDEA?

okay.

i'll put up a post - either before or after the show - that's a virtual signing line for you guys to comment on for after the show. think of it as a guest book, or a place to say thank you, or fuck you, or whatever you'd like to say to me after the show.

if you were in DC or philly...hit me.

here.

now.

i never got my cuddle.

i want a hug. and your thoughts, and your stories....anything you would have told me in the signing line.

here. i'l read everything tonight and tomorrow morning.

and really....? tbh.....it's more for me than for you, but that's always the way with art and shows...it's for 

us.

don't worry about spoiling the show for others....if people want spoilers, they can read the comments, if they don't, they can skip it.

okay?

okay.

go for it.

................

and then:

virtual signing line, this friday, let's do it. i'll be there, after the show, online for a second, to wave, to bow, to collapse. let's see what we can do with the internet, and us, and this.

i'll need you, chicago.

and i love you.

virtually, really, truly, in all ways.

XX

AFP

p.s. show photo from saturday night in philly, by @andratte on instagram.