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baker baker o where art thine oven? (Patreon)

Published:
2018-06-15 15:56:04
Imported:
2023-04

Content

(patron-only post)

hallo my loves.

sorry i haven't written in a few days. i'm writing to you from my office in woodstock, it's 11:30 am on friday. the chickens just came in and i shooed them away, there's a breeze. there's a joni mitchell cover-Thing coming your way on monday hopefully. it's a good one.

this is the moment:

it was two days of long prison and souls, reading your comments, and then a deep, nameless ache and a stupor i can't really put into words here. 

but i can. i will. i can't right now. i gotta. 

and then a pauseless time-thrust into a sweet summer domestic life filled with family visits careening into theater workshops that i was hosting at our house. 

i have barely been alone for about 7 days. 

it's not good really. i'm scrambled like an egg.

being in the prison reformatted my heart, but also sent me to the edge of a cliff. 

and i tipped. overflowing a pot inside that's already full. i already have too much i want to say, and to share, to process and cook into something. why do i have to? i can't help it anymore. everything must be used. it's like i've been poisoned by my own speed of making. as if i have to come up with a concept and a final 150-page thesis within moments of walking out of the lecture. i don't. i don't. i know. things take time. but it doesn't feel like there is time. ideas and experinces get stale, life happens in realtime, inspiration fades. the ache and stupor of prison doesn't feel as real once you've done a couple loads of laundry and run to the store for some muesli. maybe this is my new job: to hold. to hang on. to remember. to freeze. to freeze everything until it's time to cook it. you can't eat everything all at once.

artists are vampires, anya-the-set-designer said last night. 

jason and i laughed. neil wouldn't have laughed, but he knows it's more true than anyone. we are. we suck the blood of the corpse of life and we can't live without it. this vampire can't, at least. 

i'm confused at this point, but not worried. i may need to podcast more. so many of these thoughts and feelings aren't songs, but they aren't straight journalism either. and maybe they're blogs. maybe the blogs are podcasts. i think i can do more with sounds in your ears than words in your eyes. 

while i'm at it, i did a podcast/interview with roisin ingle when i was in dublin, the day of my show at the national concert hall.

we talk about really real things. about abortion, and shame. about teen pregnancy. about tripping on acid in high school. about loneliness. about experimenting with truth. about women judging one another. about "artistry" versus "attention-getting". about what i learned about feminism by being married to neil gaiman. 

about trump. and fear.

about being human.

about getting to know yourself and your thoughts, 

about how to get out.

pregnant pauses.

it's fer real. you may cry. i did. roisin did too.

it's the best interview/podcast i've done this year.

https://www.irishtimes.com/life-and-style/people/r%C3%B3is%C3%ADn-meets 

i talk a lot about afraid. and afraid going away.

 i am less afraid every single day.

ireland set me on fire, melted me. i wasn't expecting it.

listen to the interview, you'll understand.

and then:

prison galvanized me into a new human statue, one who is ready to deliver.

i feel like i'm not in control - the orders are being given to me and i'm happy to take them, but i don't want to fuck up the assignment.

i won't. i won't. i know i won't. everything is working.

it's just slow work.

..........

i'm working on my debut podcast, the one with david eagleman. it's a lighthearted start. but it sounds amazing.

i see much more happening. 

i'm in a weird mood. 

(can you tell?)

i'll be in new york city tomorrow....on coney island...neil and i are the king and queen of the MERMAID PARADE, if you're in new york and not already coming you have a few hours to find a mermaid costume and come to the ocean with us to throw some fruit in.


i'm happy. but i'm overflowing with experiences that i haven't shared.

i find it so foreign that other real human beings have these same harrowing and beautiful experiences and don't put them on a list of things to digest and mine and turn into podcasts and songs art. 

what do you do? i actually want to know. what DO you do?

how do you deal?

do you journal? do you talk to your therapist? wife? friend? mother?

are you one of those magical people who's like "i bake bread, and it's all good?" does your ability to transform feelings and experiences into bread delight all those around you? 

WHAT IF YOU HAVE NO OVEN?? 

WHAT IF YOU HAVE NO SALT? 

DYAAAAMMMMMMM.

it's all ingredients. it's material. the more i live, the better i get at it.
it doesn't feel right, or wrong, but it sure feels weird sometimes. 

the abortion referendum, the whole trip to the UK and ireland, prison. my miscarriage. what i learned at TED. motherhood. patreon. the chipmunk i just ran over. the sky outside. the women i keep meeting and talking to. i can't not say something. everything.

i'm gonna try to bake it. serve all this shit up. make something meaningful out of my blessed chaos.

and i'm not ashamed to tell you...i don't know how i am going to do this at the moment.

podcasts, songs, books, interviews, journalism, blogs, here, there, the trash, the brainpile of whatever happened that won't get shared....i'm just totally lost.

my job is amazing. and it's weird.
artist? vampire? baker? idiot? 

not my place to say. not my choice, i don't think. i have no other way of processing. we're here and there's now.

i have too much in the freezer.

i mean.....i hope you're hungry.

this is all part of it.

this IS it. 

it's all one, friends of spaceship earth.

i love you all so much. i love you and love you and love you.

xx

AFP

 

------THE NEVER-ENDING AS ALWAYS---------

1. please feel very free comment on this post. go deep. share links. this is a community. i love reading comments, and i read 99% of them. and if you feel like it, tell us Where You're Writing From (you can define that how you want).

2. at the very least, if you’ve read this post, indicate that by using the heart symbol. it helps me.

3. see All the Things i've made so far on patreon: http://amandapalmer.net/patreon-things

4. join the official AFP-patron facebook group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/afpland

5. new to my music and TOTALLY OVERWHELMED? TAKE A WALK THROUGH AMANDALANDA….we made a basic list of my greatest hits n stuff on this lovely page: http://amandalanda.amandapalmer.net/

6. general AFP/patreon-related questions? ask away, someone will answer: patronhelp@amandapalmer.net

Files

Comments

Anonymous

This app for iPhone is a piece of shit.

Anonymous

Amanda, just wanted to say that I was catching up on your stuff and in the space of few seconds clicked on the Roisin interview and then in another browser window "Big Yellow Taxi". I was doing work stuff at the time and thought that you were doing a spoken word piece over the top of Big Yellow Taxi - that it was the one track. It was actually a brilliant combination. You should try playing them both together!

Anonymous

I write. But I can’t write nonfiction, I turn my experiences into fictional stories or short poems what have you. My character goes through it and processes it (usually in some mythological/sci-fi/ fantasy way) and then once I have it on the paper I feel more at peace with what happened to me. Like a few month ago: I live in a bad neighborhood, I know this, shootings happen, I’ve been home for a few or hear about them. But then I was home for a drive by that I could fully see and experience. I missed being outside for it by two minutes. And I could hear the women screaming that they killed her kid. The police came, the ems, the firemen, and then the coroner and the crime scene guys. I could see them taking photos outside all night, their flash bursting through my blinds. I shook all night but it didn’t really hit me until the end of the week when I didn’t have any obligations to distract me. I went for a run (exercise is another way I deal with things) did some yoga, ran a bath, still couldn’t stop shaking. So I sat and wrote a poem from the perspective of death asking why people on earth feared him when he comes for all, he comes as a friend. It helped. It helped to put my perspective and feelings into a thing that wasn’t me reflecting back. Fiction is my form of journaling.

Anonymous

I guess it's all about the amygdala. Just turn off that blabbermouth in the front. Some things can't be grasped. And most good punk art comes not from a healthy, tidy, mature place. The art is the remedy, it is mostly of use for the artist, not for anybody else. The art is the cleanse, it washes the dirt out. Many people love your art because they think "Hey! I am similarly insane and broken as you! I am not alone!" Most people don't think "Ha, I am just as enlightened, hyperly empathetic and caring as her. We are godlike, high five.". Radically speaking. I guess it's a teenage thing.. An artsy frontal cortex is most bands' eventual retirement.

Anonymous

and what do i do to cope? by now, yeah, therapist, yoga, do actual political work, drugs, unpublished art, dancing, focussing on family, science and nice people. let go. make space for new stuff. we have to make space for ourselves. our next selves. we have to wait for them, let the old ones go.

Anonymous
>>13184487

It's way too early in the morning for me, i just read 'lego' instead of 'let go' and thought 'oh that's a nice way to cope with stuff..' before i realized what you actually wrote xD

Anonymous

Here's what i do when i have too much stuff to deal with or i panic about my life and what i am 'supposed to do': i grab my ukulele and play 'in my mind'. Always works, always calms me down. So thank you for that <3

Anonymous

Well usually I sketch... and by that I mean just randomly start drawing something with a pencil and then once my mind and fingers have wandered a bit, I grab a black pen and start letting more mental meandering take place and as the image gets more defined, I feel better - not fixed, not perfect, but better. It's almost like whats inside finds an outlet and I find that the stuff I draw follows no theme or pattern or even art-style as such but each one is indicative perhaps of where my mind was at, at that time. It's fascinating to me how people who have any kind of creative pursuit in life (career or hobby) can have such outlets and it makes me wonder what non-creative people do. Other times I may write something and in times of lesser turmoil when it's just regular stress, listening to something that makes me happy (like Jack Johnson songs) or even just strumming repetitively on my ukelele which I've been teaching myself to play, just lifts the mind and soul, brings a little smile and allows me to move on to other things in my mind.

Elizabeth Gunn

This is personal and selfish, but I am in a weird mood too. Just had a serious conversation with my husband where he said the following. "I don't want to trade my simple happiness for your complex sadness." Which, duh, who would? But no more do I want to trade in the other direction and I have been for the past two years and thus robbing myself of so much of the beauty and creative power I used to mine that sadness for. I am tired of pointlessness. This is one of the few places I feel I can speak this and have it be okay and not have people telling me to be happier.

Elizabeth Gunn

Amanda, I love you, please keep helping me with your existence. *bow*

Anonymous

Hey Amanda, I know you usually read your comments here, so i am posting this and hoping no one else sees it, because it could be bad if it gets out prematurely. I'm in Tassie working at the Dark MOFO festival, and met up with a friend of mine from highschool who is non-binary, whose partner is also nonbinary. Despite both facing significant health issues and Shit Life Stuff, they are working hard on something for which they could really use some high-profile support. So they asked me if I could ask you since I sort-of-kinda-know-you/have stayed in the Cloud Club/etc, and perhaps if you feel moved to do so, you could make a quick statement to help, and perhaps Neil could do the same. They said "Our campaign hasn't launched yet, so if you find anyone who's willing to help, ask them to please contact me or Rodney Croome before they do anything" (Rodney is a longtime legend of queer rights in Tasmania, since it was actually illegal to even be gay here which I think was as recently as the 60s) they didn't give me those contact details yet but if you're up for it, let me know, and I'll make sure you get the right contacts. My email is tilleysong@Gmail.com Their spiel: "There is an unparalleled opportunity in Tasmania in the next few months to further equality for trans, queer and intersex people. We want legal reform to support our rights and will be launching a campaign very soon to raise public awareness and educate our members of Parliament about how we can do that. To our great shame, Tasmania has historically been incredibly backwards on LGBTQIA issues, with homosexuality still being illegal here until 1997. But we have the chance now to set the gold standard for the rest of Australia, to forge a way forward for queer rights for the whole country. By 7 December, Tasmania has to get rid of "forced divorce" laws for transgender people, in line with the federal direction for marriage equality. But forced divorce is just one small part of the laws that are keeping trans, queer and intersex people from equality in our country. Currently in Tasmania, trans people are required to undergo genital surgery in order to be able to change the gender marker on their birth certificate. Genital surgery that's extremely risky, prohibitively expensive, and flat out not available in most of the country anyway. Even with full insurance, it's too expensive for the vast majority of trans people to pursue- even if they're medically able to have it, even if they want it. And having top surgery doesn't count- it has to be genital surgery, which results in forced sterilisation. We want to remove the surgery requirement in order for trans people to change their legal gender marker. Currently in Tasmania, nonbinary and intersex people "don't exist". Despite international recognition, there is no provision under the Births, Deaths and Marriages Act for people who were born or who identify outside of the gender binary. Despite being recognised federally on passports, by medicare, the ATO and Centrelink, we can't have our birth certificates reflect who we are. We want nonbinary and intersex people to be able to legally exist as themselves. Currently in Tasmania, there is nothing stopping doctors from performing unnecessary surgical procedures on intersex babies. It is common practice for doctors and parents of babies born with ambiguous sex characteristics to essentially "toss a coin" and surgically alter the baby's genitals to appear more "typical". Those children are often given hormones without their consent to ensure they continue to develop "typically" as the sex that adults chose for them. Frequently, those children aren't told of their intersex status, denying them an important part of their identity; but worse, they often turn out to have an actual gender that is inconsistent with the one surgically and medically imposed on them by others, causing untold pain. We want to ensure that unnecessary, non-consensual genital surgeries are no longer performed on babies. We're looking for anyone with a high profile or public following who's proud to call themselves an ally to help us out. We'll have petitions that need signal boosting, but we would also love to have recorded messages from people who support our cause. It doesn't have to be extensive, just a few words in front of a webcam would be huge. We need public interest to put pressure on our politicians. If we can get a conscience vote, or even get just one Liberal to cross the floor, we can get this through and do something truly great for equality in Australia. The science is behind us, international human rights is behind us, the writing is on the wall. It's not a matter of if, but when. And with a bit of help, we can make it now. Please help. I want to exist, I want to be able to get married to my partner without being forced to divorce, and I DON'T want to have knives in my genitals unnecessarily. And I want other people to have those rights too."

Anonymous

Amanda, to be very frank, I don't know how you do all you do, it boggles my mind no end. It's like this satirical bit that was making the rounds of album rock radio stations on the east coast in the mid-80's, "A Day In The Life of Phil Collins," where Phil Collins, through the use of a Concorde jet was able to perform sets at both Live Aids(which he did) and also simultaneously guest appear with Mike And The Mechanics, direct traffic in PIccadilly Circus, and cure cancer. Your job, which is yours only, is being Amanda Palmer. You can create all these marvelous Things, or you can "have a motorcycle accident" and spend an unspecified amount at home in your PJs. You get to set your own hours. As for me, being Chris Coolidge entails serving my wife, teenage daughters and cats, and in the longview finishing some of my unrecorded songs and writing some new ones, I wrote something like 500 songs in the late 70's, 80's and early 90's(only about 50 are complete and/or any good), maybe ten since I got married and had twin daughters. My family is not among the few fans of my work, they'd rather not hear me sing in public(and most of those I know agree, and I must admit I have a rather quirky voice, try to imagine a cross between Jules Shear and Richard OBrien(Riffraff) and you got the idea.). Having said that, I've got some songs I still haven't recorded that aren't bad. The trick is finding the time to do it. My employer wants to retire, so maybe it's time to wind down the day job. And my wife and daughters will try to put me to work with honeydew lists.

Anonymous

What do I do? Sometimes I sit down and focus and organize as a distraction tactic. This might mean starting a new project where I overhaul and realize that I've got doubles in my iTunes of podcasts that I might never listen to of over 7GB. So I get to distract myself in numbers and things that only have one meaning. I escape into fanfiction. Been an avid reader of it. Fanfic to me is what trashy romance and mystery novels are to others. It's a universe that I'm already familiar with with characters I already know intimately, with similar stories. Just told over and over and over again. I'm working on trying to find light fun things to watch. 'Nailed It,' 'Great British Baking Show,' 'Lip Sync Battles' and just...joy. A friend of mine sends out daily resistance poetry that I like to fall into every once and a while: <a href="https://tinyletter.com/poemsfortheresistance" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">https://tinyletter.com/poemsfortheresistance</a> Samantha Bee just started a thing for Full Frontal where they send out Little Victory File every Friday. Basically stuff like that. I talk to my therapist. I talk to people. I try to do my mantra: Practice Random Acts of Kindness and Endless Beauty. I have playlists with or without lyrics depending on my mood. Ludovico Einauldi is one of my FAVORITE piano composers. Aromatherapy, petting my cat. I've been writing a lot of cards to my friends when they're going through good or bad times. For me it's a lot of venting, absorbing some good to go with the deluge of all the things, balancing between people and no people. Trying to figure out how to relax and not just numb myself.