prison, day 1 (Patreon)

my loves.

i just left. it was a very disturbing and very emotional day. and it was beautiful. because humans are beautiful. in every form. and because healing is beautiful. in every form.

i went in open. i had no idea what it would be like. i didn't realize it would mean a day of sitting in a small room with a dozen male prisoners who'd been convicted of murder (and worse), listening to their stories one by one. it was beyond describing.

many of these men will never see life again outside prison, double life sentences, no chance of  parole. some of the stories are more than a heart could handle. 

and you. i started reading your 200+ prison-comments from the other day before i went to bed early last night (the prison day started at 7 am and was a one hour drive from my apartment) and i only got halfway through, because i want to read every word every one of you has to say. so if you haven't written me yet, please do, and if you're written already, i'm over there now, slowly commenting (and will be for the rest of the night). please use that thread, not this one. i'll be up at 5:30 am again tomorrow to go back for day #2.

you. you all. you, my community. sometimes i want to fall on my knees in gratitude to you all in moments like these. it's so fucking special. do you know how special it is? it's really special. i do not take it for granted. so many of you are going in so deep, sharing personal details that are so harrowing and vivid and painful....i feel so deeply grateful to have a window into all of your experiences. your experiences working in prisons, your experiences being in prisons, having loved ones in prisons. and most of all, your experiences  - in the prison of the heart, the mind, the cageless cell of trauma - with abuse and the ravaging aftermaths and aftershocks and the long, painfully slow road to forgiveness and reconciliation. i don't know what is breaking my heart open more right now, all these comments, or the stories of the men inside and the families and victims who have come to this retreat. it's the combination of it all, i think. you, me and all of it.

i love you all so, so much. i will have so much more to say soon. right now my heart is bleeding like an open soar (sic).

i am not going to do any work tonight or check my email. i am going to read your comments (keep them coming), think a lot, read some books, take a bath, call my husband, look at some toddler photos, and go to bed at 10. before i do that, though, i'm also going to go buy a real pair of adult pants, because you have to wear adult pants in prison (no jeans, including black jeans, allowed, no kidding) and the only adult pants i had were old pregnancy pants and they don't fit anymore and were dragging around on the prison ground today. there's some poetry for you.

more coming. so much more. you have no idea.

meanwhile, do go read/comment/keep the conversation flowing on the other post: that's where i'll be reading (not here).

yours in humanity and humble art and togetherness

love, love love.

xxx

a

p.s. a reminder to not mention this on internet/social media, thanks

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