point-more, or-less (Patreon)

hello loves.

i'm digging out of so much this week - years of email, years of photos, years of backed up backlog in every way....i'm basically doing the world's most impressive deep house cleaning. except i'm not cleaning the house, fuck that. there are diapers everywhere.

(if you follow my twitter / instragram / facebook you'll see some of the treats i've been posting up, and i'll definitely compile them for you all here when it isn't the middle of the night....)

because of all this Cosmic Clean Out, there are a million things to post, things of the Past to share, leftover things to sell you, things to remind you to listen to, and i'm like, FUCK, i really don't want my patreon to become a place where i only share shit like that....

so i am posting at 1:19 am to tell you simply that i love you, that i appreciate you, that i've going through a very weird night of the soul with all this off time.

pointless post. and therefore pointful. the most pointful, when pointless. point more, or less.

ben folds texted me today. he had a party last night and i couldn't go because it was an hour drive from my house and i wound up just doing email and making dinner and going to bed early with the baby.

and i texted him today that i was hiding and Cleaning Out My Life and he asked what i meant by that and i explained that i had boxes and emails from 2013 that i've never opened and Now Was The Time and he asked how that was going and i wrote:

it's frightening. i have to constantly repeat "i have done real things i have done real things i have done real things" 10,000 times a day while i sort emails and do laundry

 and he wrote

you HAVE done real things

and i was like, right. i have.

i'm allowed to clean my Things. it's super fuckingnormal to stop and do that. i know.

but yet. i am still having a hard time.

i will report back.

every zen teacher teaches you this: you must sit with the uncomfortable.

i am extremely uncomfortable with Not Making Anything

i am making lots of things though.

today i made 

-three coffees

-an avacado sandwich for three people

-a lot of emails go into folders

-my new assisatnt understand my life

-my son happy by swinging him around a lot and taking him to see the neighborhood chickens.

yesterday i made

-my friends happy by making dinner with them

-a plastic broken potty come back to life by super-glueing the piece that fell off on the plane

-a gazpacho

-a bottle of wine magically disappear, with help

-it to yoga

-it through eight readings of "the very hungry bum"

i mean...

...that is not nothing.

it's just not a song.

i was just reading in the guardian about kesha's new record.

she made me think of lorde. but so different. she took four years, and she emerges from the darkness of all that with her own soundtrack of survival and forgiveness.

it is funny, what is happening to my music head, as i stop working.

i want to work, but i am thinking a lot about what i've done. a lot of what i've done is really painful to me. like i blogged last week, i wonder why i haven't done what i haven't done, instead of being proud of what i have done. and i'm now pregnant with that possibility of Anything. the delicious blank slate of wonder, where you can pick up any paint or any thread and make Any Thing.

i wonder what will come.

i'm more excited to find out than anyone else.

when i empty my boxes (they will never really be empty) something will be waiting.

..........

i posted this picture of me and neil today.

i wrote

"this is me and neil in our rental house in cambridge, MA, in 2014...we'd loaned it to rachel and her now-wife clare to get married in and they festooned it and we all drank and danced. there wasn't room to fit everybody in one space for the ceremony so the ceremony happened in the front hall and clare and rachel stood on the stairs.

anthony was very sick with his mystery cancer and we didn't know for sure yet if he was going to die. i had given my TED talk but hadn't put my book out. neil and i were having a hard time figuring out how to be married. existence kept rolling. we kept at it. and now...we all have babies. time. space. the end.

(photo by eric sharar)."

it's true.

sometimes it takes time to see what the fuck has happened.

not that i'm saying i know what the fuck has happened.

i'm just as lost as ever. but this time i'm lost with husband and a baby.

..................

i spent the sunset etc tonight with my two yoga friends from sydney and their 8 month old baby, we watched the dark crystal. my fifth time, i think. it never gets old. 

ash fell asleep on me.

i see something like the dark crystal and i think: i will never make anything amazing. i just cannot make something like that.

and then i think: i am so glad that exists.

and then i think: i have made a couple amazing things. at least a little amazing.

and then i think: i am so fucking lucky.

whatever i decide to do, i can do it, because i have my patreon.

and i think that maybe all of the things that i've done on the patreon since ash was born are just some kind of weird warm-up exercise for the real things that i'm actually supposed to make.

and then i stare at my hands, because it makes me freak out a little.

that's all for now.

x

a

---------THE NEVER-ENDING AS ALWAYS---------

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