Text Convo: Frank, Queen of the Gnomes (Patreon)

Group Text between Sam, Frank and James.

Frank: We need to talk about the gnomes.

Sam: An evergreen text if ever there was one.

James: What have they done now?

Frank: For once, I think they’re actually quiet. Which unnerved me, so Brooke has been discreetly checking on them in ghost-form.

Sam: It’s not that I don’t love hearing from you, Frank, but if they’re not doing anything, then why do we need to talk?

Frank: Have you ever wondered why all the gnomes are male? We only have male gnomes.

Sam: I have literally never thought about it.

Frank: You spend less time with them. But it made me wonder about how they reproduce, so I’ve been looking up whether or not female gnomes exist or if they maybe work in sort of a queen bee/drone set up, or some other exciting nature thing.

James: Female gnomes exist. Douglas only wanted male gnomes. It was intentional.

Sam: Okay, now I’m curious. Why only male gnomes?

James: Gnomish society is matriarchal. If we had a female gnome, she might not take orders from us. She would be in charge of the tribe, not us, which would cause extra complications.

Frank: But they listen to me and I’m not female. Wait, do they think I’m a lady?

Sam: You are queen of the gnomes, Frank. Embrace it.

Frank: I will! Can I have a tiara?

Sam: Yes.

James: They are listening to you because they are essentially a pack of bachelor gnomes, which in gnomish terms, means they are at the lowest rung of their society. They don’t consider themselves complete without a matriarch.

Sam: That’s a very binary system.

James: It can be, but in cases where a gnomish tribe produces a nonbinary member, they’re considered a gift to the tribe. Their role is to keep balance between the two factions—a sort of mediator at times.

Sam: *The more you know gif*

Frank: I still want a tiara.

Sam: Look at us, learning about new cultures. But oddly I’m uncomfortable with anything Douglas set up intentionally. For reasons. Which means we have a problem.

Frank: We do?

Sam: Yes, I hate to say it, but we need to find more gnomes. Which means James, we need to add “bulk size antacids” to the grocery list.

James: Already on the list. I’ll start making calls.

Sam: Don’t forget Frank’s tiara.

Frank: Should I say anything to the gnomes?

Sam: Let’s wait until we have some leads. I don’t want to get their hopes up.

A week later

Sam: Frank got his tiara. He’s very pleased.

James: Yes, he’s sent me approximately 800 photos of himself in it. He’s now disappointed that I didn’t get him a matching bracelet.

James: Which I actually did get him, but I’m saving as a reward/bribe for later.

Sam: Of course you are. Any word on the gnome situation?

James: It’s been more difficult than I thought. Turns out our group is considered a bit of a “fixer upper.”

Sam: I’m simultaneously offended and in agreement.

James: Any healthy tribe I’ve contacted doesn’t want them. They’re considered severely out of balance.

Sam: That doesn’t sound good.

James: It’s not. As far as the other gnomes are considered, it’s like ours have been raised by wolves. Completely feral, socially speaking. They’ve been without female influence for decades.

Sam: So basically, we need to find someone desperate enough to take on a project?

James: Yes, and I think I do have a lead, but there’s a problem.

Sam: There’s always a problem. What is it?

James: We’ll have to go to them to negotiate, and we’ll need to take a gnome with us.

Sam: Reasonable. What’s the problem?

James: They’re in Mississippi. We’ll have to be gone for weeks. Which means you’ll have to figure out some excuse to leave the council for that long, because as the owner of the land the tribe would reside on, you have to be part of the negotiations.

Sam: Just what I’ve always want to do, travel to Mississippi in September. It’s going to be a freaking sauna. I wilt, James. I’m a delicate flower.

James: You can’t see me, but I’m rolling my eyes.

Sam: You could just use the eyeroll emoji, you know.

James: I would rather die.

Sam: *eyeroll emoji*

James: I’ll be in charge of booking your flight, you know. I can seat you next to the toilet. On the aisle.

Sam: *crying emoji*

James: I’m putting myself in first class. The rest of you are going in the luggage.

Sam: *sad face emoji*